Knuckle Junction - Week 13

We simply wouldn't be gearing up for the first week of the MillerKuz FFL playoffs if Knuckle Junction wasn't writing another newsletter riding a 4-week losing streak.

But before we get into the playoff match ups, let's recap the week that was. 

The Tale of Two Jimmys

No surprise here, but Jimmy - he of TBS fame - Big Benned his way to another Stud of the Week crown. Another impressive total of 187.2 points and even more impressive is that his bench scored 92.5 points as well. Big Ben and The Antonio Brown Show combined for 70.3 points. Special shout outs to the Indianapolis Colts who forgot that they played a competitive football game Sunday night downtown. As always, this league is TBS' world and we're all just living in it. As a wise man once said (today, via text) "They're playing for second though." He wasn't talking about TBS, but then again, maybe he was. TBS is this league's Jordan Smith. We're all just playing for second.

We're all playing for second. That's true. Unless your Jimmy (aka Jamblow) - he of VI infamy. 

Dear Jamblow,

Your team is so bad I can't even make a joke about it. Your starters BARELY edged out TBS' bench. Congrats on another Willy Lowman title. Out of 13 weeks, your team scored less than 100 points 5 times. That is not good. Maybe next year you'll draft a real team wearing a jersey that spells your team's name correctly.

Sincerely,

Knuckle Junction

Your names might both be Jimmy but you are worlds 528.4 points apart. 

Beer Muscles - Nolan United

The Nolans probably feel real good about themselves right about now. They finished one spot ahead of their arch-nemesis (KJ) and haven't lost a match up in 6 weeks. So, it's a good thing I'm here. 

Out of the 8 playoff teams, the Nolans have tallied the second fewest points (DG). Out of the 12 teams in this league, only one team (RP) had fewer points scored against their squad. You made the playoffs, congrats. But even I feel strong after a couple of drinks.

(Permanent Do Better Chair - Raging Pollacks. Your team was scored on less than any other team this year. By a wide margin (49.1 points). Given this, there is simply no excuse that makes it acceptable for your squad to miss the playoffs in this league. Do better.

Those two things together sound a whole lot like luck. It's true that it's better to be lucky than good. But then again, its better to be lucky AND good. Let's ask Fadi - he's scored the 4th most points in this league and only 3 teams have been scored upon less. Yes, Fadi. You're lucky and good-ish. Congrats. I hope you're ready for a first round exit. 

All this to say that Nolan will be enjoying an early playoff exit if reality decides to crash the bracket this year. But I guess every bracket needs a Cinderella. Consider this your annual reminder that The University of Dayton Flyers were in the Elite 8 two tournaments ago. 

Boned Toner

Only 4 teams have scored more points than Toner's Boner's this year, and, yet, TB finds himself on the outside looking in of this year's playoffs. Talk about a bitter pill to swallow. 

Further, only two teams had the misfortune of seeing more points scored against them (KJ and VI). Thus proving my theory that people always have their best weeks against yours truly. The world hates me. But, back to TB, his luck has been the exact opposite of the Nolan's this year. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. Here's hoping you score the fourth-most points next year and still miss the playoffs. 

So the match ups are as follows:

TBS v. Dunn

Fadi v. Knuckle

Dix v. Nolan

Taco v. Balls

Also, I have been advised to invite anyone who may care to have fun this Sunday to come to Fadi's house with other league members to enjoy some pizza, wings and hopefully soul-crushing victories and losses. I promise Fadi invited all of you. I advised against it, but it is his house after all. So, come. Fadi also informs us that he does, in fact, get the football channels. 

The highest scorer of playoff teams will write the newsletter next week. Here's hoping KJ pens his third newsletter next week. 

Vandelay Industries - Week 12

Is this miserable season over yet?

This is the 5^th year of this league.  And every year up until this point you could count on a few things:

-Vandelay Industries would make the playoffs (I need 1 positive thing said about me in a blog)

-Taco would finish dead last

-Crop would make more penis references than his total points scored

-Despite his preseason claims, DJ would still be overly obsessed with fantasy football and make Laura ponder, would I be here right now if this league was in existence before we got married?

-And many others

However….this year is an anomaly, an outlier, something we may never see again.  I know there is still one week left, but this season has been over for me since week 3.  Despite my horrendous season, this is the tightest playoff race we’ve had to date.  10 teams are still alive and it will all come down to this final week.  Will Taco finally make the playoffs?  In 5 years I think he’s been to 1 draft; and in that draft he selected Hines Ward with his 2^nd round pick.  Maybe he’s finally discovered the secret, have Amy pick your team based on smiles.  Whatever works, viva los playoffs.   Will Laura, who cares as much about this league as Crop does about being politically correct, sneak into one of the final spots?  Will Dunn, who scored a whopping 65 points this week, squeak in?  Seriously, how are you 6-6?  So many questions, so many intriguing story lines and I couldn’t care less.  I’m focused on next season.

Onto the awards:

Stud of the Week:  The Balls, dropping 177.1 this week.  This win put the Balls to an even 6-6 on the season and into the 5^th spot.  That’s 3 in a row for the commish who dropped KJ to 6-6.  Even with CJ “Garbage Man” Anderson with 32.3 on your bench, you still managed to be the stud of the week.  Spencer Ware dropping 21.5?  You must have listened to 5 Matthew Berry podcasts instead of the usual 4.  Well done.  

Honorable mention: Myself, Vandelay Industries.  Yes, I’m giving myself honorable mention for Stud of the Week.  This was by far my best week of the season.  Matthew Stafford finally decided to throw the ball to Megatron and look what happened, points on the scoreboard and points in fantasy.  The saying is better late than never, except for in this case.  The only thing I can take away from this week is beating TBS.  It’s always enjoyable to beat the Sandwich, especially when he’s the best team in the league.  This is easily the only positive thing to happen to VI this season, but it wasn’t even that enjoyable.  It was rubbing salt in the wound, as it doesn’t matter.  No playoffs for the first time in the league’s existence.

Willy Lowman of the Week/Do Better Chair/Bench Bomb:  Dunn Givashit.  What the hell happened to your team this week? Were you in a tryptophan coma when you set your lineup?  Did you not realize you’re still in playoff contention?  Did you summon your inner Taco from years past? Your bench destroyed your starting lineup.  You left Sammy Watkins (34.8), Markus Wheaton (43.1) and Eddie Lacy (23.9) on your bench.  That’s freaking 101.8 points, from 3 players….ON YOUR BENCH!  But I guess that a 56 year old Frank Gore and James Jones were worthy of the start this week.  This is the stretch run.  You need to be at your best, not act like the Cleveland Browns.  Step your game up, bro.  65 TOTAL points, that is worse than Taco always picking the wrong kicker.  DO BETTER!

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:  Russell Wilson with 37.7 points from the Raging Polacks.  Although she has barely been better than me this season, she’s in playoff contention and she probably pays less attention than Taco.  Although, to be fair, she is a single mother raising 2 small children.  I know technically she is married to DJ, but she may as well be single during football season.  Between his obsession with fantasy football and his new found hobby of swimming, DJ is around less than Jarrod Hayne receives playing time.  Great draft pick, by the way, Nolans.

The Jock Slap would have been Markus Wheaton, but he was on Dunn’s bench (see above). 

  

That’s it.  I’m done with this season.  I should have know it was going to be bad when I thought it was going to be great to show up to the draft with a Vandelay Industries jersey, only to have it say Vandealy Industries on it.  It’s really awesome when Jamaal Charles falls into your lap in the 6^th spot and you draft Knile Davis as insurance.  Only to have Davis steal a couple of touchdowns early in the season to fall to 7^th string after Charles gets injured. 

I’m currently watching the SNL Christmas Special and Robert Goulet’s Holiday Special just came on.  I not only laughed when Will Ferrell sang, but laughed even harder thinking of Taco telling his story of singing Goulet during a seminar at UPMC, which included people making far more money than any of us combined (except for Fadrick). E, you’re up next to bring us home.  Looks like I’m on the clock for next season.  Good luck in the playoffs. 

Wicked of Lately - Week 11

The bigger they are, the bigger they fall. 

This week WoL steps off the “doing better won’t save your season bench” to bring down TBS a notch despite the fact that WoL was without a QB. As much as WoL enjoyed our seat on the DBWSYSB also known as the “Todd Gurley Draft Award Bench,” WoL got a second wind and has new hope moving forward. Perhaps this is the worst thing that could’ve happened, because lets be honest, WoL’s team is horrible and this new found hope will undoubtedly be crushed this week. 

In addition to TBS going down faster than Croppy at a TuckBob Halloween party, Fadi fell to Dunn and, because Gronk had his worst game of the season, team Taco (my wife associates herself with team Taco more than WoL – as I quote “I like to be a part of a winning team”) fell to Toner’s Boners; though, for the life of me, I can’t figure out why he is doing as badly as he is - his team is pretty well rounded. Nolan United reverted Throbby Johnson back to a Limp Dixon on the shoulders of Doug Marting and Aaron Rodgers. We now have one of the most congested standings this league has had in a long time. TBS is basically counting his money and Vandalay industries has undergone a hostile take over by Marriage Inc. and is inconsequential to the standings. That leaves 2 games separating 8 teams, and 3 games separating 10 teams.  TBS plays VI next week, thus every other matchup has playoff implications. 

Uncle Charlie’s it just tastes better award: De Andre Hopkins, who made Revis and the Jets look silly even with his 3^rd stringer QB. Hopkins, who Fadi got in the 3^rd round, is second only to Julio Jones for highest scoring WR this year and is anchoring Fadi Goes Viral in a solid 2^nd place standing. 

Jimmy Graham I eat a bag of dicks award – Willie Lowman: Dear Jimmy, you lost again, and you did shitty again in case you forgot your password for the league.  Can’t really fault him too much as his bench scored 0 total points so he did put his best team forward. I was happy to see that Starks was outplayed by Fatty Lacy, and despite Stafford and Johnson putting up decent numbers, VI couldn’t break 70 points.

Jock Slapper Award: It pains so much so to say this – yes, I ignored Rawl’s 42 points for the Uncle Charlie even after all the texts reminding us about his greatness from Deej all day Sunday, but I must give credit where it is due and the Jock Slapper goes to the Balls who slapped their balls all over VI. Crocket Gilmore, Panthers D and Good Andy carried the Balls to yet another Jock Slapper award. I only take solace in the fact that Matt Jones’ pedestrian 2 points gave you more gray hair and this is the start of your hatred for him. 

Benchbomb: TBS and Marcus Marriota who, if he had started, would’ve pulled off the win (not like it really matters). Give him the trophy already, DJ. 

P.S. I have repaired 5 Rosebuds already this year. Fun fact to ponder while eating turkey on Thursday. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Throbby Johnson - Week 10

Wanna hear how confident I am that I'm going to take down TBS this week? I'm writing this newsletter on November 14th like a real OG. Also, laura's newsletter from last week seemed like it needed a supplement. Anyway, sure, maybe my only losses have come to the worst teams in the league - SĀmy (is it too late for that nickname to be a thing?) your 7th place standing isn't fooling anyone, go take a seat next to Laura on Jimmy's lap on the "Doing Better Won't Save Your Season Bench". Side note - Did anyone notice that we have two Lauras and two Jims in our league? I guess that's not really cool, but it's something. 

Pav, your 3-6 record is fooling a lot of people. While you're awfully close to my third place position in points, it's painfully obvious that when it's time to perform against your adversary, your Boner does not throb as long and hard as the Johnsons. 

I'm just starting to realize that I'm wasting a lot of time right now considering that my references will be totally irrelevant within the next two days, so I'm stopping here. Hopefully my dick jokes feel a lot less forced and more natural once Tuesday rolls around. Johnson, out. And in. And out. And in. And out 🏼️. 

...........

Well, as it turns out, I was the victim of another TBS heartbreak this week. I may have crushed Marlo in hide and seek on Sunday, but talking shit to her after discovering that a giggling couch cushion isn't always what it seems just doesn't really give me the same satisfaction on Tuesday morning. 

I'd like to start this off by comparing my tidbits from last week to how the subsequent games played out. Pav - you finally played down to your record. Way to be. I would like to note that if the Nolans' team wasn't trash they wouldn't have been able to claim J. Langford, and instead would have had to start Isaiah Crowell (who is much more of a Nolan-caliber player), and they would've lost to you, Tone. Instead, have fun rolling around in the dumpster fire with Jamblow and his stable of second string running backs while Laura is somehow sneaking her way out of that mess. I think it's also safe to say that Sam and Travis have jumped head first into that fire as well. Way to really shuffle the shit around in that trade, you guys. Great snag with Eddie Lacy, Trav. 

And now your awards:

The Big Sandwich Award (fka the Jimmy G J-Slapper):

DJ. Whatever. He did well, it has to happen sometimes, right? The only exciting thing about that happening is the bet Fadi lost by being outscored by DJ. Those Chic-Fil-A nuggets will taste good next time we play cards. I would like to give DJ a special shoutout for starting Matt Jones over Latavius Murray. I got to witness the struggle first hand on Sunday as I watched beads of sweat drip from his brow for a solid 15 minutes trying to decide who to stick into his RB2 spot. Pretty sure there was a little but if blood/brain leaking for his nose too. I'll be happy to watch your hate for him develop in the same fashion as it did for Almo. 

Willie Lowmen:

Because sometimes one willie just isn't enough, and it's way too obvious to give this award to only Travis, I'm going to throw a boner into the mix as well. Somehow all of Tony's players scored points and I still managed to outscore him. Amy and Taco managed to double Travis's score. I'm still not sure what in the hell is going on with that, but as long as shit gets back to normal soon I'll be fine. 

Benchbomb:

Not much is going on in week 10's bench bomb world. I guess I'll have to give it to Sam for not letting Amy, or probably even Cam at this point, draft his team. Why do all of the people in your family only have three letters in their names? So weird. AND TWO OF THE LETTERS ARE "A" and "M"!!!! Are you fucking kidding me???? Get outta here. 

Do better chair:

The big sandwich gets the award this week for not deploying the magic horseshoe in their ass and starting Big Ben. If anyone would have accidentally started him on one of his biggest games of the season (when he wasn't even supposed to play) it would be yinz two. 

Thanks to the UPMC Health Plan team for giving me a free Uber ride this weekend. I'm not sure what type of diseases Caleb and Laura filled those cars with, but I'm sure our favorite non-profit company is about to add another comma onto its revenue stream this quarter. 

Sammy, you're up next week. I'll save you the trouble and let you know that Jamblowny will be up after you, in Week 12. Throb out. 

Raging Pollacks - Week 9

If we're being honest, before Sunday afternoon I had some small glimmer of hope that I'd still make the playoffs this year. That was until Crop informed me that the lowest 4 teams don't make cut.  I thought it was lowest 2 - because while I don't really care (i.e. DJ's Rudy-esque rant in last week's newsletter about how this league matters made me want to punch him in the mouth)- historically I've made the playoffs only to lose in the first round.  So despite my recent resurgence, looks like I'll be on the outside looking in this year. So let's get this over with. I have to tend to two kids being neglected by their father until week 16.

The Uncle Charlie's #Itjusttastesbetter  (artist formerly known as the JJJS) award- Antonio Brown. For his insane performance this week and in the aforementioned commercial. I much prefer it to the Hines Ward C. Harper or Bettis S & T bank commercials. If those guys could make ballon animals I'd hire them for Marlo's next birthday party. Cause apparently in this region you hire an athlete for $200 and some VIP tickets to Matrix.

Bench bomb- alright I've spend a considerable amount of time studying benches and there isn't a clear bench bomb. So now I'm just mad about wasting my time. Fun fact: TBS's bench beat WOL this week. And Taco has more cats than I had active players on my bench. Hooray!

Stud of the week- Is this a serious question? TBS.  And that's I'll I'm gonna write. Because dominance is boring. I'm just happy to get this damn trophy out of my house. Honorable mention to Pav- good work. Don't let your dreams be dreams!

Willy Lowman- Wicked of Lately. I don't even know what happened here. But I think you meant to do that. And my fragile FF ego thanks you.

Do better chair- I picked up a kicker that didn't kick this week. When did I notice? Sunday at 3. I feel shame.

Crop, you're up. I'll mentally prepare myself for all the penis analogies.

Week 8 – Balls on ya

 “Dad, I want to watch the ipad!”

“No Marlo, I’m watching football.”  “

“But football’s on the TV.”

“It’s on the ipad too.”

“ooooohhhh, mom, dad won’t let me watch TV or ipad!”

“I know Marlo, because your father is a child.”

That’s pretty much the scene every Sunday afternoon, and has been since Marlo could talk.  As much as I say I’m going to ignore football and just let it happen, my compulsion has me locking my eyes on the goddamn fantasy-cast and watching the numbers move up and down.  I’ve even tried to get out of the house on Sundays – even going so far as competing in a swim meet during normal football hours.  No matter, I sat in the stands as I waited my turn to swim and watched the fantasy-cast.  It’s not healthy.  It’s incredibly annoying to be around.  But it’s what we do when we’re in a league that gives a shit.  And that’s what we are.  We all might have other leagues that are fun and our families are in them and so forth, but this one matters.  Probably not for the money, but definitely for the spirit.  We all want to look across the room from one another twice per year at our gatherings and say to ourselves, “You know, I beat that asshole twice last season, but goddamnit, I respect him (or her).”  Let’s always remember that our league is different from the others, and let’s continue to keep it that way.

On to the award show.

Stud of the Week:  Lobos Latinos

With a cool 167.2 points, we anoint Taco, for the third time this season, as our SOW.  What perhaps is more impressive about this week’s effort is that he did it with a zero in his lineup Antoine Baldwin aka Anquan Boldin.  With Gronk being Gronk, and Palmer apparently being Brady, not to mention the resurgence of Larry Fitzgerald, Taco is looking like a legitimate contender for this year’s crown.  He’s not just a pretty face – what with his high cheekbones, symmetrical features, messily sculpted salad and sharp metro-chic style – he’s a fantasy dynamo.  Now some might say that he had nothing to do with the drafting of his team and he’s hasn’t been all that active on the waiver wire, so there isn’t really any fantasy acumen on display, and they would be 100% accurate.  I’m still holding out hope that he manages his squad calamitously and that we can all point and laugh and say, “that’s the Taco we know and love.”  Until then, however, he’s in third place in the standings, second place in points, and number 1 on Tinder.  Or so I’m told.

I’m going to hand out an honorary Stud(ess) of the week to the woman at the helm of not only this entire family, but also those Raging Polacks.  It only took her until week 8 to get off the schneid, but she did it in impressive fashion with a convincing 133.5 to 114.8 victory over the now-decimated squad of Cropcho’s Throbbing Johnsons.  Seriously tough week for him, losing three starters Bell (IR), Allen (IR) and Randle (Women’s Lingerie Department at Dillard’s).  We’ll see how everyone’s favorite phallicly-themed team weathers the storm.  But in any event, things may be looking up for the Polacks with a solid slate of RB’s and Cooks showing signs of life.  Maybe time to get Watson in the lineup with Brees throwing TD passes like beads at Mardi Gras.  All she’ll need to do to make the playoffs is win out.  Go get ‘em Polacks!

Willy Lowman:  Vandelay Industries

I wasn’t even sure Jim was still in the league until Fadi told me he voted to veto the trade that Travis tried to swindle.  And by the look of his team, I’m not sure he’s too excited about being in the league either.  There’s nothing to be excited about over in the Industries dressing room, except maybe Calvin’s johnson.  He had Michael Floyd score almost 40% of his points then had five guys in single digits, with Knile Davis almost eeking out a point (we’ll round it up Jim). 82.3 points won’t win you any weeks you aren’t playing the Nolans, and with VI at 2-6 at this point in the season, he’s probably on the outside looking in come December.  But the nice part about having Jim in the league is how much we all get to hang out with him.  The kid hasn’t played poker since 2010 and his refusal to get an iphone prevents him from ever being a part of the myriad group text circles that occupy countless hours of my time.  Jim, I should give you the do-better chair for being such a cat-loving hermit.  I’m not going to though, because I have just enough Cafaro in my life as it is – which is, see you randomly once every six months on the street.

The Jockslap:

This award will no longer be known as the Jimmy Graham Jockslap, because Jimmy Graham gargles balls.  Just ask Sam.  Not because he had his balls gargled by Jimmy Graham – well, maybe that’s why you should ask him.  It will be known simply as the Jock Slap award until one player proves to be as utterly dominant as Graham was back in 2011 when we coined the phrase.  Whatever moniker upon which we decide, Drew Brees slapped some jocks this weekend to the tune of 7 TDs, 500+ yards and 49.4 fantasy points.  That’ll win you you’re game, especially with Julio-get-the-stretch-Jones chipping in with his usual 30+ effort.  49.4 fantasy points from your QB is ridiculous, record-setting and downright frightening.  The Big Sandwich never stood a chance.  Congrats on taking down the team everyone loves to hate (if for no other reason than their insipid prose).  Congrats to Brees as well for edging out Beckham’s 46 points, which weren’t quite enough for the Balls to edge out that smug sonofabitch Toner and his boners.

Bench Bomb:

Nothing real sexy here.  I’d really love to avoid giving it to myself, but my game was the only game that really had an outcome decided by a lineup decision.  Ellington’s zero was outscored by Kamar Aiken’s 12.2 points, but that was hardly a slamdunk terrible decision.  I’m still not sure who Kamar Aiken actually is.  Cropcho benched Snead for Benjamin – which was probably a bad idea, and ended up being one because the 20 points difference may also have cost him his game.  I don’t really feel like looking anything else up at this point to know whether it did make a difference or not.  Let’s all assume it did.

Do Better Chair:

This one goes to Fadi.  Not for anything he did during Week 8, but for the “WTF” trade he and Travis put together after Week 8.  Travis should have known better, but I can’t really fault him for making a deal.  Chris Johnson – who is a top 15 RB – should never be traded for a middling defense.  I’m sure that Fadi instantly regretted his decision when he clicked accept, but he barely had time to do that before he had four vetoes in his inbox.  I’m a little surprised too, given that he’s actually not terrible at bluffing/negotiating.  But let’s chalk this up to the fact that he’s still pretty green and not quite as savvy as the rest of us.  Fadi, sit your ass down in the do better chair and go to school.

Looking ahead:

As we head into the final five weeks of the regular season, the Nolans, Polacks and Industries have some real work to do to work into a playoff spot.  It’s unlikely for you though, so you should probably stop making transactions and look ahead to 2016.  The Balls and Boners are gonna be duking it out for that 8^th spot, and I gotta say, I’d take a boner over balls.  Sam is likely hanging by a thread, and his team could go either way.  I’m betting he does ok and hangs around in the bottom rungs.  Dunn’s a pretender and he’ll be down there too.  Fadi and E are solid squads, and Crop should be ok if he can deal with his injuries, but I think we have a two-horse race between TBS and Taco.  As much as I love my sister and tolerate my brother-in-law, I’m pulling for Taco all the way. 

I apologize for the delay in getting the newsletter out, but such is the life of someone who works for a crazy person.  Also, we haven’t had any Sunday festivities lately and I feel that a change is in order.  Let’s get something organized for the next few weeks.

In the meantime, we can all look forward to the musings of the Raging Polacks next week.

Balls out.

Dunngivashit - Week 7

Although my season is beginning to look worse than Crop, I have temporarily swallowed my pride to write this newsletter.  This week I hit rock bottom as I lost by a large margin to DJ, “at my age my balls sag to my ankles”, Miller.  Hard loss to shake off.  However, the tyrant himself has yet to give me any shit for the tardiness of this newsletter and for that, I thank you.  And now, on with this newsletter.

Stud of the Week

The Big Sammy continues to bully the entire league with another studly performance.  E put up a respectable 152.9, but was still no match for Lamar Miller and the undefeated Sandwich.  I hope you have been talking shit to DJ all season as you continue to shit on the competition.  I hope all of your players decide they don’t want to play this week for our matchup.  Otherwise, it will be another long day for my squad. 

Willy Lowman

Nolan United captured their sixth straight loss with a poor showing of 71 points against the Best Chest in the West.  6 losses in a row also gets you the Do Better Chair award.  Tough season so far.  To make matters worse, your beloved 49ers continue with their dominate performances.  If it makes you feel any better, I can throw some ice cubes out my window in your general direction.  My team isn’t much better, so I feel your pain.

James Graham Jock Slap

Lamar Miller absolutely killed it this week with a 51.6 point performance.  The coaching change in Miami is really paying dividends for both the Big Sammy and Lamar Miller.  Let’s see if he can keep putting up the points he has the last two weeks or if this is a fluke in the bizarro league. 

Bench Bomb

There were quite a few bench bombs this week, however, none would have changed the outcome of any games.  The biggest bench bomb being, Amari Cooper who could not be covered by the Chargers defense.  However, the Samich still won by almost 50 points so let’s move on.  Pav I haven’t said anything about you yet.  Pav left Ryan Matthews and his 27.1 points on the bench because Pav isn’t good at fantasy football.  That’s about all I got.  Terrible diss, I am ashamed of myself. 

As I end this newsletter to once again ponder my terrible fantasy team I think about a great quote for times like this.  When life gives you lemons, say fuck the lemons and bail.  Fadi, Pav and Crop, suck one.

Dunngiveashit out.  

Fadi - Week 6

Many of you have labeled me as a heartless drunk who laughs at the mentally handicapped while refusing offers of cocaine and blow jobs at PNC Park.  The stories of the Raging Polack’s father throwing ice-cubes in road rages, herself screaming at drivers in the waterfront and getting in verbal fights while holding her toddler at hand, never went viral.  I had always known and was aware of my bad luck. Theory that was proven during a recent trip to Vegas,  missing the Millers little angels birthday party I offered to place 2 bets on roulette of $30 on number  11 and $30 on number 18, their birthdates.  After a long day and  half a night of drinking, up for 24 hours,  with a bourbon at hand, I chose a table and placed $30 on 11 and $30 on 18 announcing in inebriated and loud voice , THIS IS FOR ESTELLA AND MARLO!!!!,   my first bet hits on 18.  Considering the state of my intoxication, friends had to explain to me that I, or Estella, won over $1000.  One would think, and based on people’s views of me online; someone with my lack of morals will pocket that money and pretend it never happened.  Instead, at 1 AM Vegas time, 4 AM Pittsburgh time, I texted the Millers with pictures of the winnings.   I even kept the exact 10, $100 bills tucked away in my wallet and did not spend it on any kind of blow. I did manage to lose close to $900 of my own money during that trip.

Enough about nonsense stuff and on to football crap.

It is with great pleasure that I announce to you the Stud of the week

Fadi Mother Fucking Viral, dominated this week with a total points of 168.9.  while Toner was getting flaccid watching Bryant’s well-rested return with almost 40 points, and Hopkins 37.8 points, combined are almost the entire Raging Polacks score, but we will get to her soon. Although I enjoyed dominating Toner ,at one point during Monday Night Football, with the Eagles defense 28 points, and Mirray with 22 points the gap between Toner and me was getting too close.  If Toner would have played Brown, Stewart and Bortles, he would have been the Stud of the week. Instead, Toner wins for bench bomb of the week. Toner’s highest scoring game for the season was no match to Viral.

I should mention that TBS should also be included in the stud of the week, I do not like to share the spot light but their skills/luck deserver a mention in this week.

Willy Lowman

I feel that she already knows what we are about to say. Mrs Miller is holding on to this spot and seems to be proud of it. Every Sunday as I am walking into the gym I hear her voice teaching her class, hearing her energetic, authoritative voice one would appreciate the competitive nature of the Raging Polack but when it comes to fantasy she does not have that spark in her anymore.   Jordan Reed out with a concussion, Matt Jones with some sort of a toe injury, and your highest scoring player Sims on Bye week, you did not stand a chance.

Do better ChairS

Nolans United:

Few weeks back, during the week we played against each other, Mrs. Kreter had referred to my physique as that of a Manatee, while Mr. Stipanovich said it is more like a Porpoise.  With all fairness it all started out when I said I look like a whale in the pool in comparison to DJ.  Instead of saying “ Get out of here” or “ no you don’t” they both opted to find different animals that I may resemble.  With that said, DO better on your fantasy team; this is an embarrassment to see the Nolans underperform in such manners as to be 1-5 at the end of week 6.  One would expect this kind of results from ThRobby, Lobos, or even from ME.  Your bench is a rehab waiting room, Joique Bell (ankle), Vernon Davis ( Knee), Percy Harvin (Hip) plus two players on BYE week, I hope you did not spend a second looking at your fantasy app this week.

Vandelay:

I hope Vandelay industry wore their Manzierrs as they bottomed last week for TBS.  I am predicting a huge come back from Vandelay once they have the support they need from the Manzierr. (For those youngsters, this is a Seinfeld reference)  vandelay should  be considered as a bench-bomb for the week benching Starks, and Stafford, but it would have not made a difference against TBS. 

Kimmy Graham Jock Strap

Martavis Bryant coming out of four week suspensioin and a week of injury had proven he was worth the wait. Drafting him early proved beneficial after 5 long weeks of bench warming

I would like to add a new section

The Stop spending money

Barrister’s Balls has managed to spend $70 in transaction fees, plus numerous hours researching different football websites.  Barrister’s helped me last season with my lineup so I feel that I owe him, but it kills me to see his performance this season.  Maybe all the chlorine in the pool is affecting his judgment.  Learn from your family members,  TBS had managed to be in first place, with spending $0 in acquisitions and  with no Trades,

Wicked Sam, just because DJ is spending money doesn’t mean you have to as well. $65 13 acquisitions and one trade, please take your ADHD meds and relax. You might want to start asking for Amy’s help while you are watching Gilmore Girls rerun on Netflix.

Taco, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING BIKE!!!!!!! Natalie had offered me $10 for it and I am about to drop it off at her house in the next few days.  Beside the bike, way to go Caleb/Amy team overall  highest points for the season so far, 897 points.  ThRobby dropped you down to third place, working 100 hours/week had proven to be beneficial for Crop when it comes to fantasy, the less time he spent on his line up the better his results are.  Fuck you crop for not been included in the viral picture as you were standing right there!

Knuckle junction had been staying up way past his bedtime, in his onesie,  thinking Barrister had a chance with Beckham to change the outcome. Although beckham 19.1 points was Dj’s highest score for the week, he needed to almost double that for a win. Get some rest and enjoy your 5-1 standing until next week when TBS will be manhandling you as much as Crop gets manhandled in his Kick-tease/ dodge ball league.

Has anyone heard from Dunn? I know he dunn Givashit but his lack of participation is concerning.  Is that what marriage does? That doesn’t seem to be the case in the Millers/Nolans/ and Tardiff households, yes I did say Tardiff and not Pakraftar as we all know who wears the pants in that relationship.   With that said Dunn, you are up next. 

Boners - Week 5

WHAT IS HAPPENING?  After 5 weeks, the top of the standings looks like this:

1. TBS

2. Lobos Latinos

3. thRobby Johnsons

Ted Turner, at 5-0, already has 2 more wins this year than all of last year.  The Team formerly known as Limp Dixons has doubled his win total from last year.  Meanwhile, perpetual draft dodger, Lobos Latinos, is leading the MillerKuz league in points scored by a 55.6-point margin over TBS.  While the Zero RB draft strategy was being pushed by the “experts” this preseason, Amy, Taco Corp’s Chief Drafting Officer, has proven that Best Smile Available (“BSA”) is the most successful data driven approach to the draft. 

On the other end of the spectrum, here is the bottom of the standings:

9.     Latex U

10. The Fighting Parramatta Eels

11. Toner’s Purple Headed Yogurt Slingers

12. Raging Bulgers

These four teams had a combined .673 winning percentage last year, but currently have 3 wins between them.  Ouch.  The only explanation I have is this is the Bizarro MillerKuz League.  Thus:

Bizarro Stud of the Week:

TBS takes home his third Stud of the Week honors in 5 weeks with a 151.8 point performance, led by Devonta Freeman third consecutive 30 plus point performance.  Freeman is defying science being the number 1 ranked running back while not smiling in his profile picture.  Amy’s team of smile analysts considers Freeman’s early season success to be an outlier, but this is Bizarro World where nothing makes sense.  Like Forsett’s 28 points and Robinson’s 26.2 also leading TBS to back to back Stud of the Week awards, while his number 1 pick, AB, struggles to produce with the extremely accurate Michael Vick under center.  In the Bizarro MillerKuz League, TBS is a force to be reckoned with. 

Bizarro Willie Lowman of the Week:

Raging Polacks.  Congrats on the three-peat.  To be fair though, I believe Mrs. Bulger, I mean Miller, had the same strategy as me this year.  We both saw how Balls used high waiver priorities last year to pick up OBJ and the Garbage Man, which led him to a championship.  What I’m sure everybody has figured out by now is Laura and I have been tanking on purpose early with the intent of picking up this year’s waiver wire stud and riding him to a championship.  Well, I flinched this past week, and Laura beat me at this game of fantasy football loser chicken.  Enjoy Charcandrick West.  In this Bizarro World, he is sure to be the next OBJ.

Bizarro Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:

Apparently the Bizarro MillerKuz League takes place in 2012, because Doug Martin is this weeks Jimmy Graham Jock Slap award winner with 37.8 points.  Currently, the Muscle Hamster is the 4th ranked running back in fantasy with 85.9 points.  4.1 more points than he had all of last year.  Is anyone else starting to believe this Bizarro World theory?

Bizarro Bench Bomb:

Losing by 1.6 points, thRobby Johnson could have easily won if…wait a minute.  I can’t go any further until we talk about Crop’s most recent name change? thRobby Johnsons?  Does he think this is clever?  He doesn’t even have a player named Johnson on his team.  Crop.  There are 14 players available named Johnson.  Spend $5 and pick one up so your team name at least kind of makes sense.  And good job benching Willie Snead for Danny Woodhead.  It’s Bizarro World.  That was an easy choice. 

Bizarro Do Better Chair:

Dunn Fullashit, because Eff You Trav.  Mic drop.

Boners picks up mic embarrassed.

O yeah.  Fadi, you’re up next week.  Please try to refrain from insulting the mentally handicapped.

Taco - Week 4

Welcome ladies, gentlemen, and tiny humans who sort of like soccer but also like tee ball but not really, to this week's newsletter.  Frankly I expected to be writing this at the end of the season, but as usual TBS has about as much tact as a flaming diaper filled with yesterday's Indian food buffet, so you'll just have to ride this sensual Mexican mind massage all the way into the painful, dry grass end of the slip'n slide that is Week 13.  Arriba!

El Jefe

This big swinging hammer crushed TacoCorp's dreams back in Week 1, so just like contracting herpes at Blush, this one somehow feels unfortunately inevitable.  It's been 4 years since this team saw a Top 3 MillerKuz finish, and turned in a 2014 performance that was so embarrassing we probably should have just kicked him out of the league.  This award was fairly earned but nonetheless comes with a caveat, because while we know that a win is a win is consent because she was definitely 18, this team's 4-0 record is also based on the fewest Points Against in the entire league - you're El Jefe today, but could you be El Perdedor tomorrow?  Either way, I hope you bitches packed lots of apple juice in your lunch this week, because it's time for another Big Sandwich.  Following what was a "low" Week 3 of 117 points, TBS is right back in the sex swing with a 150-point beatdown of the ailing United, sending them into that warm, league-subsidizing 1-3 record that all 49ers fans know so so well. A breakout week from both Philip Rivers and Martellus "Jay Cutler is pretty much Jesus" Bennett helped propel TBS over a depleted Nolans roster.  Good call by the Nolans for hanging onto Jarryd Hayne rather than waking up long enough to waiver any TE that wasn't injured and useless.  Nolans, I assume you are at least beating TBS in the secret Fantasy Rugby league you joined.

Senor Lowman

Frankly, this one was pretty tough to call.  On one hand, you've got Travis "Yes I'm still in the league" Dunn putting up his lowest score for the week, or Pavlik rolling around in the mud with an 85-point tragedy caused by 4 simultaneous season lows from your running backs AND receivers...but on the other, you've got the Polacks' and their "pierogi curse" 0-4 record, who only narrowly eked out the Givashits for points.  This one ultimately came down to a tale of the tape.  Sometimes an 0-4 record happens because of unlucky matchups where your 140 point week is frustratingly edged out because Cairo Santos somehow outscored all but 1 running back in the entire fucking league.  This happened, but it didn't happen here.  No, friends, this is not a story of bad beats or even one where the team manager decided to pull a Taco and just skip setting the lineup for a few weeks to focus on launching a Kickstarter for dick scented tea light candles (seriously, people on there buy anything).  Alas, woe is the owner of the can't-get-right Polacks, who just turned in their 3rd consecutive week under 100 points.  Look, it's not necessarily your fault - Marshawn Lynch has gone from being the #3 RB in both 2013 and 2014 Fantasy, to being a gimpy sidelined Skittle Goblin who stands precariously close to becoming the kind of depreciated draft albatross that your brain knows probably belongs in a situational RB3 right now, but who you'll keep playing week after week because he can't possibly be that bad, right?  Sure, Polacks.  Sure.  Add to that a lineup that is now basically all P's and Q's, including "House Party 9" extra Davante Adams, and you've put together a sad little recipe for several weeks of soggy ball soup.  God help you and Travis Kelce's mock turtleneck, Mrs. Miller.

Hacerlo Mejor Silla 

Dunn Givashit.  Ignoring Week 4, Travis is averaging a big-kid 140 points per week and sitting in 4th place for overall scoring.  You might say that this is a small sample size (something I suspect Travis hears a lot), but the Givashits lineup seems to be good at sharing the load (you can make your own joke here) of putting up multiple 20-point performers.  This week, he was pulled down by poor play from Ameer Abdullah and a stinging no-TD performance from the previously unstoppable Julio Jones.  In fairness, the only hindsight mistake Dunn really made was playing Derek Carr over Drew Brees, but with a frighteningly injured or ineffective bench, even that correction wouldn't have put him in the running for a victory against the unstoppable Throbby Johnsons, whose gameday poundings suggest the team should just be renamed Instagram Photo, because bitches have to think about the angle they need to take it.  With no tough BYE exclusions in Week 5, will Dunn Givashit hop right out of the do better chair, or sit there choking on a Knuckle sandwich?

Tac-oh-no-you-didn't!

This one goes out to the mad Syrian, who not only almost broke the internet, but also left 60 points on the bench and still managed to rise above the pathetic flailing of the Barrister's.  Despite a strong Panthers D and a surprisingly productive waiver pickup in Karlos Williams, the Balls just didn't have anything for Fadi.  This beat is made a little more painful when you also note that DJ paid $1/point to grab Thomas Rawls and put him into the flex, while leaving the 12-point delta he needed for victory sitting on the bench with Isaiah Crowell and Terrance "I'm not quite Dez Bryant" Williams.  Kudos to Sir Fadrick, who was apparently too busy chilling with Tomlin to make any lineup changes after making it rain with even more bench points (111.9, actually) despite also benching two donuts in Week 3.  In truth, Fadi did actually modify his roster on Saturday night...and then changed it back on Sunday morning.  Rosterbating aside, the Big Mac Virus is squirreling it away like a fat chick next to a chocolate fountain in a Jeff Foxworthy commercial.  Folks, if this guy starts playing Fantasy Football, there are going to be some tears.

Nacho Best Decision

I usually think of the bench bomb as one of those moments where you clearly just stepped in it because the universe couldn't protect you from yourself.  Like when you put whipped cream on the free jell-o shots and don't understand why you're waking up like a dried out piece of balsa wood next to a 3-ton dump truck with rainbow food coloring all over her face and your own Town Square looking like it just hosted the 2015 Holi Festival.  But just as we all grow old and that stuff starts only happening on weekends instead of Tuesdays, it seems like the truly offensive bench bomb has become an elusive temptress, conveniently appearing only in weeks that I'm not writing the newsletter.  Fear not, my boon companions on this Fantastic Voyage...[pause so you can pour some out for Coolio]...as I will not sully the gilded TacoCorp Newsletter reputation by merely throwing my hands in the air and mumbling "I guess I'll say it was me" a la The Reluctant Sandwich.  That said, I have no choice but to hand out the slightly less satisfying Aggregate Bench Bomb.  The Boners didn't make 1 big bad decision, but a series of small tactical errors that cost them what could have been their very first victory over a very week Junction performance.  Despite the surprise flop from Randall Cobb and a bad luck hammy from Stevie Johnson, Pav still could have mustered more than 85 points.  In fact, in what ended up as a 13.7 point loss the 53 bench points shared between 1 back and 2 receivers, compared to all 11.8 points that actually came in from the starting ground game, says that Pavlik just screwed this up.  A single substitution with Todd Gurley would have done it.  Or let's call it a waiver bomb and ask why in the name of infant baby jesus riding on the back of a tyrannosaurus you thought starting the Eagles D against Grandpa Manning was the right play.  No matter how you cut it, you did this to your own self, and for that, I don't feel bad about handing you the Bomb.

Good luck to everyone in the rest of Week 5, and best wishes for a turnaround by next week's author, the Polack's.  Sorry this one came late (something Cropcho never has to worry about).W

The Big Sandwich - Week 3

Of all the weeks TBS gets nominated to write a newsletter, it just happens to be the week that they are involved with hosting a two day conference that includes all day meetings, presentations, and.  evenings hosting out of town guests.  Total isolation of any outside activity or events of the week to date.  The early morning breakfast meetings and late evening dinners are over and it's time to sit down and relax. Then I hear a BUZZ.  The TBS batphone is buzzing.  I reach for the phone and there it is a single word text that reads NEWSLETTER!  Yaaaa, the newsletter.  If timing is everything then TBS has nothing.  Then I realized that I didn't have my laptop, and decided to write this week's letter with the Evernote app on my iPad.  In the back of my mind I wondered if E could accept and post in such a format, but then realized if he couldn't the league would turn on him and he'd be the fall guy for not posting this week's newsletter. We got picked early for the newsletter this year so and we are 3-0, so here it is.

Stud of the Week

Lobos Latinos – 189.5 points, not just Stud of the Week but Stud of the season. 

Willy Lowman

Raging Polacks – 72.7 points.  Averaging 96 points on the season so far.  And keeps dropping by 20 points each week. This should be the standing award until something happens.  Which also leads to the Do Better Chair award to Mrs. Miller. Don’t necessarily have any advice, but simply just that you need to do better!

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap

Lobos Latinos.  Barrister’s Balls didn’t have much of a chance against this team, but the 52.7 points put up by AJ Green sure didn’t help matters.  Good luck to Raging Polacks next week when she takes on Lobos Latinos.

Bench Bomb

Surprisingly, nothing stands out as a bench bomb.  So we nominate ourselves, for playng Eifert over Bennett.  After having a couple of good weeks on the bench and elevating himself to a top TE to date he was promoted from the TBS bench only to have one catch that should’ve been a touchdown called as an incomplete pass.  Thanks for the 0 and TBS is now 3 for 3 in selecting the wrong TE.

We are now into week 4 of the season, and I think it's time we get to hear from the league Stud.  Lobos is up.

The Garbage Man Cometh – Episode 2

In between posting a pure piece of feminist propaganda introducing the dishwasher in sheer mockery of his fellow man and lamenting how Disney has managed to soil his delicate kitchen with “pessimistic semantics” on his Facebook page, the Balls managed to find yet another Garbage Man. 

The irony is immeasurable.  Last year Nolan United lost the championship due to the garbage points CJ Anderson racked up in the last 5 minutes of the Monday Night Matchup.  This year, that Garbage Man Cameth and laid an 3.9 egg on Thursday night.   Nolan United was feeling quite optimistic about its shot at redemption.  To add to it, the Millers actually called the Nolans and asked if they could bring over their garbage to put out with ours as their garbage man didn’t show up.  We can’t make this stuff up.  It was a sign from above.  (Side note: it was one bag of garbage.  What family with a 4 and 2 year old produces one bag of trash in a week?   We submit to you that it is impossible and, although this is unrelated to football, demand an inquest by Advisor HO.)  Alas, their garbage man indeed showed up. On Sunday.  Wearing Black and Gold.  And sporting bedazzled pink tips at the end of his dreads.

Mr. and Mrs. Nolan had a bird’s eye view from section 507 at Heinz Field as Antonio Brown repeatedly caught long passes just to be tackled short of the goal line just so that DeAngelo Williams – the new Garbage Man – could come in and sweep up the garbage points.  77 yards rushing with 3 TDs.  31.2 points.  The Balls beat Nolan United by 5.5 points.  The Nolans were only United in one way at the Steelers-Niners game and that was in their disdain for DeAngelo Williams.  Damn you Garbage Man.  May you rot in Garbage Man Hell.  I’m sure the Pink-haired Garbage Man is still wondering who those crazies were who pulled up beside him and chucked ice cubes at his windshield as he drove home from the game.  If anyone asks, it was Dunn, who is a fellow graduate of the Joe Kuz School of Highway Terrorism.

Now on to business.  There were some fine performances this week.  Big Sammich (181.3 pts none of which came from his D) with a big win over a surprising Lobos Latinos coalition, which had the second highest point total (143.6).  Could we be witnessing a Mexican miracle in the making?  Hopefully the Commish doesn’t go all Trump on you and send you back to Tijuana before you can realize your destiny.  Congrats to TBS for winning Stud of the Week.  Honorable Mention to KJ, Dunn Givashit, and thRobby Johnsons (?) for moving to 2-0.

There were also some rather embarrassing performances – We are looking at you Raging Polacks and Toner’s Boners.  Both teams failed to break 100 points.  While sad, it is nothing compared to one truly sad performance.  After tallying only 87.2 points in Week 1, Wicked of Lately not-so-impressively rebounded with 87.7 points in Week 2.  Rather Sadly of Lately – don’t you think?  Congrats on being Willy Lowman of the Week.

While we are very tempted to award Sadly of Lately the Do Better Chair Award, it’s simply too easy.  Rather, we vote KJ as the winner for failing to even acknowledge the beloved Do Better Chair in the Week 1 newsletter. 

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap: A good number of candidates here – The Pink-haired Garbage Man, OBJ (34.6 pts), Edelman (33.9 pts).  Yet, we just can’t ignore the 4 players who scored over 30 for TBS: Roethlisberger (32.4), Allen Robinson (34.5), AB (37.5), and Cooper (30.9).  Downright impressive.  The award goes to the collaborative effort of TBS in jock slapping all of us.

Bench Bomb: Gotta go with Vandealy Industries choice to start Sam Bradford (12.1) over Stafford (21.3).  It cost our favorite Latex Salesman his first victory as he fell to 0-2.

Given his pure shit-stomping this week, it only seems right that TBS authors the next newsletter.  Sammich – you’re up.  Good luck this week to all of our fine owners.  Even Dr. Fadi and his mockery of those less fortunate souls.  (Hey, it’s not defamatory if it’s true and we have photographic proof).  #FadiGoesViral 

Peace & Love,

Nolan United

Week One - Fuck Everything

This league is in it's fifth year of existence.

So far, I'll remember this fifth year as the year that a casual "Fuck You" was no longer acceptable during our annual draft party.

Seriously, five years ago this league was child-less. Now, there are approximately 14 children under the age of four at each league function. Don't get me wrong. I love all of your children, but if I can't yell "Fuck You" at Travis for picking Julio Jones one spot in front of me, then I just can't be me anymore. I am what I am.

This isn't a protest, or even a declaration that I do not care about the development of your children as functional members of society (and this league). It's simply another indication that I'm a real adult which is unequivocally unfortunate (That's an alliteration, Crop - not irony). But, guess what, kids under four can't read and that means the whole league won't groan at me when I pop off a few "Fuck Yous" in this here newsletter.

At least I'll always have the newsletter.

Speaking of the newsletter, you'll remember the few rules of the newsletter:

1. The person writing the newsletter will nominate the author for the next week.
2. I write the first and last newsletter of the regular season.
3. This year (unlike last year) the highest scoring team in each playoff round will write the newsletter that week.
4. Each author should email me their newsletter in a Word format. My computer remembers the password to edit this blog, but I do not, so we're kind of stuck. Again, I am what I am.

That's not hard, so here's hoping the newsletter process goes as smoothly as last year.

Stud of the Week: There might have been 14 children under four at this years' draft, but, as is his way, Taco was conspicuously absent yet again for the draft. Something about Ellen DeGeneres paying for a vacation on some tropical island. I'm not really sure. I don't ask questions. Regardless, Taco actually elected Amy (the better drafting half of WL) to pick her squad. It proved to be the best decision Taco has ever made (at least so far) in the context of this fantasy league with the glaring exception of the entirety of his newsletter last year.

Yes, Taco's squad scored more points than any other team in Week One. And, it wasn't even that close.

It certainly helped his cause that the Steeler's pass defense is quickly becoming the Taco of the NFL. Rob Gronkowski (his first round pick) steam-rolled his way to 32.4 points. Gronk only caught five passes. You'll note, however, that he caught three touchdowns. That will happen though when you neglect to line up a defender across from literally the best red zone option for the Patriots - or any team for that matter. The week started off well for Taco last Thursday with the Gronk's production, but the Gronk was not even Taco's highest scorer. That distinction belongs to Carlos Hyde who ran all over the Vikings. I don't think its an exaggeration to say that Hyde was the most impressive running back this past week. So, if you're keeping score at home, Taco owns the best TE and the best RB this season so far. It's a good thing San Francisco shipped the artist formally known as Frank Gore to the Colts and decided that Hyde should handle all of the RB responsibilities. Frank Gore might be as old as Peyton Manning and if you watched Peyton this week, well, you're patently terrified if you own a Broncos WR and/or CJ Anderson.

Also, I'm not certain, but Taco might not have even logged in to check his team yet. It honestly looks like his line up reflects his draft order. There's no way to tell, but, let's be honest, none of us would be surprised if reading this newsletter is the first affirmative action (settle down Fadi and Sam - not that kind) Taco has performed as a member of the league this season.

Willy Lowman of the Week: If Amy is our defacto Stud of the Week since she single-handedly picked Taco's week one squad, then it would be too perfect if WL was the Lowman of the week. Well, welcome to perfect, friends. After week one, Sam has the worst team and his wife picked the best team. I'm sure, somehow, Sam will try to take credit for Amy's knowledge regarding all things fantasy football. But, if I know Amy, I'm sure she employed her time-honored draft strategy of selecting players based solely on their smile in there ESPN Profile photos. Try again, Sam. No way around it, you don't play so good.

Andrew Luck, Eddie Lacy and Jimmy Graham were the only double-digit players in WL's starting line up. His WR's combined age is 99 years old. This is not a joke. Please look it up if you don't believe me. That's three starting WRs whose age adds up to NINETY-NINE YEARS OLD. In case any one is unclear, old WRs is NOT a good thing. No wonder they only combined for 14.1 points (!). FOURTEEN POINT ONE! Hilariously, there doesn't seem to be much more room for improvement. WL's entire bench combined for 21 points. Here's hoping you remember how to work that wire.

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap: The incomparable Julio Jones. I have a feeling this won't be the last time Julio slaps his jock all over this league. Once again, Travis, Fuck You.

Bench Bomb: Incredibly, there isn't a Bench Bomb that sticks out. No one really deserves to be hammered for their decisions this week. Don't get it twisted, some of you drafted terribly, but given your choices, your line ups make sense. Somehow.

Mr. Irrelevant: I'm pretty sure this is the name the NFL grants to the last person drafted in the seventh round of its entry draft annually. This is also the name that I am unilaterally granting to the Nolan's Jarryd Hayne. If you remember, this is the player who was literally not listed in ESPN's list of available NFL players. A list which included DJ's swimming buddy Charlie Batch by the way. At any rate, Hayne is returning punts for the 49'ers and got 4 carries on Monday after Hyde got the lion's share and Bush predictably sprained his vagina in the first game of the season. On Hayne's first punt return, and first regular season NFL action, he muffed the punt and the Vikings recovered. Fortunately for Haynes, Teddy Bridgewater is awful at his job and it didn't cost the 9'ers. Fortunately for the Nolans, ESPN decided to add Haynes to their list. Somehow, I just don't see Haynes factoring into this fantasy season. That is, of course, until, Hyde gets hurt, Reggie remains hurt and DJ starts offering the Nolans some combination of DeAngelo Williams, Tre Mason and Tony Romo's slipped disc.

I knew I couldn't make it without at least one DJ dig.

Next week's newsletter will be brought to you by the great minds of Nolan United.

So until I return on the last week of the season, Go Fuck Yourselves.

THE GARBAGE MAN COMETH

First, a pseudo-apology from Nolan United for the belated newsletter.  Fact is, we lost and stopped caring – like the rest of you (save one).  We are writing this newsletter under protest.  We agree with RP that the “loser-writes” program must be addressed during the owners meeting.  Does NU have an alternative suggestion?  No.  We stopped caring, remember?  The only reason we are even going along with this is because the Commish threatened to withhold our winnings if we did not issue the newsletter prior to the wrap-party.  So here it is.

There has only been one person who has hounded, nay, harassed BOTH NU and KJ over this stupid newsletter.  Any guesses?  Gee, who could be the only person who really cares?  You guessed it – our beloved Commish, BB.  Side note:  One other person complained about the belated newsletter – AF, but we are convinced it was only a means to satisfy his sadistic dentisterial desire:

​​​​​Now, on to business.  DJ won.  Yay.  Good for him.  Congrats.  Blah, blah, blah.

The manner in which BB won, though, was both an exploitation and indictment of the PPR scoring system.  Let us flash back to championship weekend…. NU was nearing an epic upset after a (fully inflated) balls out effort led by Russell Wilson (40+ pts) and the Seattle defense that resulted in NU heading in to the last game of the day with a 23ish point lead (it was so long ago that we can’t remember such details – although I’m sure DJ will).  BB had CJ Anderson left to go.  The Broncos were playing some other team (who in the hell remembers?).  Anderson was projected to get some amount of points that were less than 23ish.  NU settled in to watch anxiously to see if they could hold on – all the while DJ texted repeatedly to reassure NU that they had it in the bag.  Despite the near concession, NU knew better.

We watched CJ Anderson on EVERY play.  We never really paid much attention to CJ Anderson before and it donned on us rather early in the game that he was a bum.  We started to feel pretty good about our chances as Anderson was held in check for the first 50 minutes of the game.  He eeked into double digits, but wasn’t really threatening to do much.  Then it happened.  It started to rain heavily and whatever team the Broncos were playing built a 2 or 3 possession lead.  The heavy rain and the prevent D made Manning gun-shy, so all of a sudden, Anderson turned into "Super Garbageman" who dominated garbage time.  

If it wasn’t so crushing, it would have been interesting to watch.  On every play, this freakin’ guy would simply slip through the line of scrimmage and stand 1 ½ yards past the pass rush and a good 7 yards from the nearest defender.  Stupid Franken-Manning, with everyone else being covered, dumped it off to this bum what felt like a dozen times.  Boom – 1 point plus 5-7 garbage yards.  Over and over and over and over and over again.  Then, he busts a long one.  Then another.  NU maintained its lead until the last 3 minutes of the game, before it was over for NU.  Garbage points for a garbage player in garbage time.  Yet, that is the PPR world we live in and kuddos to BB for spotting the true value in this garbage sucker named CJ Anderson.  NU has decided next year that we will be drafting Fred Sanford, Oscar the Grouch, and the Garbage Pail Kids to take us that final step to a championship.

Stud of the Week

Winner and 2014 Champs – Barrister’s Balls.  Enough said.

Willy Lowman of the Week

Loser and Runner-Up  - Nolan Untied.  

Do Better Chair

Everyone except BB.  The chase is on for 2015.

In all seriousness, congrats to our humble Commish for a great season and championship #2.  Is there room for a second set of balls on the trophy?  We look forward to seeing everyone at the Wrap-Up Party where awards and winnings (at least we hope) will be disbursed.

Peace & Love,

NU