Semi-Finals - Just Call Me "Eric Football"

It didn’t take long.

It couldn’t have been later than 1:15 pm. Cleveland had just run their first four offensive plays. A six-yard hand off. A one-yard hand off. A broken play and one-yard QB scramble. Punt. Thanks for nothing, Johnny Manziel.

Admittedly, starting Johnny Football wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. With the exception of Julio Jones, my team is a dumpster fire and has been most of this year. I somehow ended up in the semi-finals and I had to something.

Denard “The Nard Dog” Robinson had to go. Cut. Julio Jones injured his hip sticking it to the Green Bay Packers to the tune of 44+ fantasy points. So he was out too. I added four new players and started three players for the first time all season. One of which was Johnny Football.

I honestly think that Cropcho would look a whole lot like Johnny Manziel if he started an NFL game at QB against the Cincinnati Bengals. And that's saying something as I’m not entirely certain I’ve ever seen Crop throw a spiral.

It doesn’t stop there. I also started Donte Moncrief. He’s a WR for the Indianapolis Colts, or so says ESPN.com. It wasn’t until about 2:30 pm that I had confirmed that Donte was even playing in an NFL game on Sunday. He did make one catch – a 48 yard touchdown…that was called back due to an offensive holding call. I guess I’ll just go fuck myself.

Ladies and gentleman, your Willy Lowman of the Week – Knuckle Junction.

Stud of the Week: To make matters worse for the Lowman, his arch-nemesis, Nolan United not only laughed its way past KJ and into the finals; they did so as the Stud of the Week.

Led by Antonio Brown, the Nolans put up a not-so-impressive and completely beatable 127.4 points. Let’s play a game. How many times has AB scored less than 20 fantasy points this season? No, you’re wrong. It’s four. FOUR. And, how many times has AB scored less than 15 points this fantasy season? Yes, two. TWO. And, lastly, how many times has AB scored more than 30 points this fantasy season? Five. FIVE. So for those of you keeping score at home, AB has scored 30 points more times than he has scored less than 20. How is that real life? Two Steelers in the first round next year. When was the last time that happened? Kordell Stewart and Yancey Thigpen?

Otherwise, the Nolans are going to need Matt Forte to be Matt Forte again – even if Jimmy Clausen will be his starting quarterback this week, if they have a shot to beat the Ball’s next week.

Nolans – you were a worthy semi-final opponent and rivalry aside, the better team won this week.

Shut up, Sam. Your team might have scored the most points, but your game (and all of the other games and teams intentionally not discussed in this newsletter) DID NOT MATTER. Get over it.

The only other matchup that mattered: The Barrister’s Balls edged out Dunn Givashit. DG scored a measly 105.1 points this week. Measly is a relative term. This week’s total was the lowest posted by DG ALL SEASON. In fact, it is the lowest weekly total for DG by over 15 points. His previous low was 120.2 in week 9 win over the Nolans. Talk about bad luck.

Great team this season, Travis. You’re a lock for some “points” money even with a loss this week. Here’s hoping you poop your pants this week too so I can sneak in there and win some money. Or should I say “more money?” Thanks, Sam.

Odell Beckham Jr’s dinner plate hands carried the Balls to a victory this week. You know what they say about guys with huge hands, right DJ? Yep. That’s it. Huge gloves. You’re such a Dad.

Eli also scored more points than the benched Tony Romo. When you agonize over a lineup decision and you actually get it right (albeit by 0.3 points), you know things are going your way. J-Mail Charles didn’t have to even suit up this week. Thanks a lot, Oakland. But none of the other players mattered. OBJ scored 44+ points and carried you to an easy win over DG on what we’ve already established was an unlucky down week from his squad.

I Can’t Decide Who I Hate Less: I thought long and hard about who I was going to support this week in our championship game. Obviously, without DJ in this league, these newsletters wouldn’t write themselves and none of us would have any fun laughing at him every week. But, he’s not going to quit if he loses. On the other hand, the Nolans have been bad for the better part of the last three seasons, AND they’re also my sworn enemy. The Hatfield to my McCoy. The Michigan to my Ohio State. The Lime to my Tunafish. (10 bonus points for anyone who knows that move reference).

Needless to say, I’m torn. But, ultimately, it’s not a hard decision, and I encourage you all to follow my lead here. This week, I am supporting the United States of Nolan. Nothing personal, Deej. But, you’re already leading the points race and you’ve won this league before. You’ve had your turn. It’s someone else’s turn.

Besides, I don’t think the trophy can handle another set of testicles.

I look forward to reading the runner-ups newsletter next week. And you thought this one was bitter.

Go Nolans. 

I hate myself.

Raging Pollacks Back for More

This is dumb. This is super dumb. I was totally on board with the round robin newsletter format now that you clowns are all gainfully (?) employed. But I'm not sure why E thought it would be a good idea for the low man of the playoffs to write the newsletter. Clearly the low man no longer cares. Why?  Cause I fucking lost (to be fair I barely cared before). What we should've done is had the lowest scoring team STILL IN the playoff hunt write the newsletter. Because if I had my way this newsletter would say blah blah blah, go fuck yourselves. A person still in the hunt would at least have a slight interest in the week that was and how this whole thing plays out. But I don't make the rules, I just follow 'em. So here goes:

Stud of the week: DJM. I don't know when his team got so good. If you suffered through Sundays with us you'd assume (like I did) that he was constantly getting Taco-ed (who returned to Taco Standard Time this week). Runner up- Travis. Luckily Peyton's 6.whatever points didn't impact your trouncing of Fadi.

Willy Loman of the week: spoiler alert jerks…it's me! Runner up- Pavlik. While you fell short of your goal you did avoid newsletter duty. So congratulations.

Bench bomb: Pavlik, while it wouldn't have mattered if you would have played Riveria, it would have made E sweat last night. And he was already up past his bedtime. But in the end, no one's bench could have saved their season. I guess that helps you nut jobs sleep at night.

Jimmy Graham jock slap: Rams D. Of all the weird players DJ said I NEEDED to pick up this season, I don't think this was one of them. Funny how that works...

Do better chair: The logical choice would be me. But instead I'll vote for the lowest of the teams still in the playoff hunt- Knuckle. If you do better next week, you have a chance of putting away your rival the Nolans. I can't wait to watch that fun unfold while they are at our mutual friend's son's 3rd birthday party Sunday afternoon.

Ok. Best of luck in round 2 dummies. While no one wants another set of truck nuts on the trophy (and I don't want that thing in my house for a year), I gotta say...let's go DJM. We have to cover our/your transaction fees and still afford to send our kids to college.

See you suckers in January,
RP

E's Back for More

I've been exposed.

After 11 consecutive newsletters written by every team but mine, it slowly became evident that I am a fraud and should not have been solely responsible for the newsletter and podcast content these past three years. You guys are much better at it. With the exception of a largely clueless Vandelay Industries who thought there was no one left to nominate two weeks ago, I did not have to write one word in the last 11 weeks and, I have to say, it was glorious. 

I've never been more excited to pen a newsletter. Well, except for the 300 lb Ellen-Show Guest Elephant in the Room. Seriously, Taco, how can anyone follow that? You've injected at least two phrases into my every-day vernacular: "For the liberal arts majors..." and I'll let you guess the other. (Hint: it rhymes with Clowndown Gravitation.)

But at any rate, I’m back like Kevin Durant and, unlike Kevin Durant, I don’t have to save a 5-12 OKC squad with my silky jumper. I’m merely here to wrap up Week 13 and preview the 2014 Millerkuz League Playoffs.

Stud of the Week: Dunn Givashit slapped up a cool 172.3. In a league seemingly devoid of every down backs, LaGarrette Blount’s orchestrated departure to New England all but guarantees that Le’Veon Bell will stand behind Big Ben’s Fat Face on every snap until the Steelers inevitably play themselves out of the playoffs. To that end, Le’Veon “Chocolate Diamond” Bell contributed 40.4 points to DG’s league-leading weekly (and yearly) total. Even though Peyton Manning scored a Ryan-Tannehill-like 13.3 points – his lowest of the season, DG still managed to out-pace the league this week by 11+ points. Even more incredulously, DG’s bench tallied a ghastly 143.4 points which happens to be enough points to beat SEVEN starting rosters in this league. Special shout out to DeAndre Hopkins who, undaunted by his delegation to DG’s bench, scored exactly 15.8% of his total points (52.8 out of 334) this season in ONE WEEK. It’s official, it’s Dunn Givashit’s world; we’re just living in it.

Honorable Mention: In what can only be described as “pulling a Deej,” the Barrister’s Balls are this week’s second-highest scorer and they still added one to the “L” column thanks to our aforementioned Stud. Well, DJ might not be the only honorable mention to fall to the stud, but to hear him talk about his team after a loss, you’d think he was the most unlucky fantasy football player to ever waste a draft pick on Ladarius Green. Tony Romo did his best to submarine the Balls on Turkey Day by posting less than eight total points while he ran around looking more afraid to get hit than a pigeon on the sidewalk. But alas, the Balls tallied a round 161 points due in large part to the 48 points the St. Louis Ram’s D/ST managed to amass. I’ll never understand how defenses in this league score points, but take a bow, Deej, you scored the second-most points this week and still loss. It’s so hard being you.

Willy Loman of the Week: Vocabulary time: Microcosm (n) a situation regarded as encapsulating in miniature the characteristic qualities or features of something much larger. This is the only appropriate word to describe the fantasy football week Wicked of Lately had. WL aka the Paper Champs, managed to squeeze out a league-worst 95.2 points which is commiserate with his team’s performance all year. It doesn’t help that he started a goose-egg in the form of this year’s Underperformer of the Year – Julius Thomas. The squad looks really good but when it comes time to perform, they go flaccid. And they have all year. It’s all too fitting a week like this officially eliminated WL from the playoffs.

Honorable Mention: The United Nolans of Regent Square (shout out to that awesome logo which I only just discovered). Oh how the mighty have fallen. After Week 7, the Nolans were in first place with an impressive 6-1 record. They round out the regular season with a middle-of-the-playoff-pack 8-5. Less than impressively, the Nolans were two garbage-time touchdowns and two point conversions from Antonio Brown from being sub-100 and the Willy Loman of the Week. ABNot the best way to roll into the playoffs. AB, whose back has to be ailing from carrying the likes of Benjamin Cunningham (?!) and the rest of the Nolans squad, scored (approximately) 30 of his 31.7 points with four minutes left in the laugher against the Saints.

The All-Irrelevant Team: Hey, Big Sandwich, Limp Dixons, Wicked of Lately and Newsletter MVP, Taco – you don’t play so good. Have a nice off-season. The four of you and the garbage heaps you’ve been passing off as fantasy teams this season were rendered utterly irrelevant at the conclusion of the Dolphins-Jets game last night. When asked if Crop or he would like to write a short playoff preview from an outsider’s perspective to accompany this newsletter, Sam promptly responded: “Here’s your playoff preview. Fuck all y’all. Go Fadi. Love, Sam and Crop =).” So to all four of you: Do Better.

Bench Bomb: The easy answer is Travis and his highest scoring bench of all time. But I don’t ever take the easy way out, unless manual labor is involved. My hands are far too soft for that noise. Lucky for you, no manual labor here. But, unlucky for Raging Pollacks, I did some more digging. Lucky for no one, RP probably won’t even read this far down. But I digress. The Bench Bomb of the Week belongs to RP who decided to play Marques Colston over Eddie Royal. At first blush, it may seem like she made the right call, but again – not so easy. Over the course of this season, Colston has scored more than 10 points five times. Royal has scored more than 10 points six times. Additionally, Royal has scored more than 20 points three times this season. Colston has scored more than 20 points the same amount of times as Estella this season. Easy decision – has to be Royal there. Not only did RP make the wrong decision for her WR, but it also cost her a win in Week 13 and the opportunity to play my hit-or-miss (mostly miss) Looney Tune squad in Week 1 of the playoffs. Your loss, my gain.

Playoff Match Ups: If you are in the Playoffs and you do not know who you play this week, then I hate you. I won’t even bother to type it here. Go on your phone or the internet and look it up. If you won’t do that, there’s no helping you and I hope you lose miserably. Also, I wish you all terrible luck. May your decisions be comically bad and may you all lose unpleasantly.

Newsletter Rules to Remember: Each week, the lowest scorer of the playoff participants will write the newsletter for that week, culminating with the second-place finisher writing the final newsletter of the year. So next week, if you are the Willy Loman of the Week then you are writing that week’s newsletter. Irrelevant Teams need not apply.