“Dad, I want to watch the ipad!”
“No Marlo, I’m
watching football.” “
“But football’s on
the TV.”
“It’s on the ipad
too.”
“ooooohhhh, mom, dad
won’t let me watch TV or ipad!”
“I know Marlo,
because your father is a child.”
That’s pretty much
the scene every Sunday afternoon, and has been since Marlo could talk. As much as I say I’m going to ignore football
and just let it happen, my compulsion has me locking my eyes on the goddamn
fantasy-cast and watching the numbers move up and down. I’ve even tried to get out of the house on
Sundays – even going so far as competing in a swim meet during normal football
hours. No matter, I sat in the stands as
I waited my turn to swim and watched the fantasy-cast. It’s not healthy. It’s incredibly annoying to be around. But it’s what we do when we’re in a league
that gives a shit. And that’s what we
are. We all might have other leagues
that are fun and our families are in them and so forth, but this one
matters. Probably not for the money, but
definitely for the spirit. We all want
to look across the room from one another twice per year at our gatherings and
say to ourselves, “You know, I beat that asshole twice last season, but goddamnit,
I respect him (or her).” Let’s always
remember that our league is different from the others, and let’s continue to
keep it that way.
On to the award
show.
Stud of the Week:
Lobos Latinos
With a cool 167.2 points, we anoint Taco, for the third time
this season, as our SOW. What perhaps is
more impressive about this week’s effort is that he did it with a zero in his
lineup Antoine Baldwin aka Anquan Boldin.
With Gronk being Gronk, and Palmer apparently being Brady, not to
mention the resurgence of Larry Fitzgerald, Taco is looking like a legitimate
contender for this year’s crown. He’s
not just a pretty face – what with his high cheekbones, symmetrical features,
messily sculpted salad and sharp metro-chic style – he’s a fantasy dynamo. Now some might say that he had nothing to do
with the drafting of his team and he’s hasn’t been all that active on the
waiver wire, so there isn’t really any fantasy acumen on display, and they
would be 100% accurate. I’m still
holding out hope that he manages his squad calamitously and that we can all point
and laugh and say, “that’s the Taco we know and love.” Until then, however, he’s in third place in
the standings, second place in points, and number 1 on Tinder. Or so I’m told.
I’m going to hand out an honorary Stud(ess) of the week to
the woman at the helm of not only this entire family, but also those Raging
Polacks. It only took her until week 8
to get off the schneid, but she did it in impressive fashion with a convincing
133.5 to 114.8 victory over the now-decimated squad of Cropcho’s Throbbing
Johnsons. Seriously tough week for him,
losing three starters Bell (IR), Allen (IR) and Randle (Women’s Lingerie
Department at Dillard’s). We’ll see how
everyone’s favorite phallicly-themed team weathers the storm. But in any event, things may be looking up
for the Polacks with a solid slate of RB’s and Cooks showing signs of
life. Maybe time to get Watson in the
lineup with Brees throwing TD passes like beads at Mardi Gras. All she’ll need to do to make the playoffs is
win out. Go get ‘em Polacks!
Willy Lowman:
Vandelay Industries
I wasn’t even sure Jim was still in the league until Fadi
told me he voted to veto the trade that Travis tried to swindle. And by the look of his team, I’m not sure
he’s too excited about being in the league either. There’s nothing to be excited about over in
the Industries dressing room, except maybe Calvin’s johnson. He had Michael Floyd score almost 40% of his
points then had five guys in single digits, with Knile Davis almost eeking out
a point (we’ll round it up Jim). 82.3 points won’t win you any weeks you aren’t
playing the Nolans, and with VI at 2-6 at this point in the season, he’s
probably on the outside looking in come December. But the nice part about having Jim in the
league is how much we all get to hang out with him. The kid hasn’t played poker since 2010 and
his refusal to get an iphone prevents him from ever being a part of the myriad
group text circles that occupy countless hours of my time. Jim, I should give you the do-better chair
for being such a cat-loving hermit. I’m
not going to though, because I have just enough Cafaro in my life as it is –
which is, see you randomly once every six months on the street.
The Jockslap:
This award will no longer be known as the Jimmy Graham
Jockslap, because Jimmy Graham gargles balls.
Just ask Sam. Not because he had
his balls gargled by Jimmy Graham – well, maybe that’s why you should ask
him. It will be known simply as the Jock
Slap award until one player proves to be as utterly dominant as Graham was back
in 2011 when we coined the phrase.
Whatever moniker upon which we decide, Drew Brees slapped some jocks
this weekend to the tune of 7 TDs, 500+ yards and 49.4 fantasy points. That’ll win you you’re game, especially with Julio-get-the-stretch-Jones
chipping in with his usual 30+ effort.
49.4 fantasy points from your QB is ridiculous, record-setting and
downright frightening. The Big Sandwich
never stood a chance. Congrats on taking
down the team everyone loves to hate (if for no other reason than their insipid
prose). Congrats to Brees as well for
edging out Beckham’s 46 points, which weren’t quite enough for the Balls to
edge out that smug sonofabitch Toner and his boners.
Bench Bomb:
Nothing real sexy here.
I’d really love to avoid giving it to myself, but my game was the only
game that really had an outcome decided by a lineup decision. Ellington’s zero was outscored by Kamar Aiken’s
12.2 points, but that was hardly a slamdunk terrible decision. I’m still not sure who Kamar Aiken actually
is. Cropcho benched Snead for Benjamin –
which was probably a bad idea, and ended up being one because the 20 points
difference may also have cost him his game.
I don’t really feel like looking anything else up at this point to know
whether it did make a difference or not.
Let’s all assume it did.
Do Better Chair:
This one goes to Fadi.
Not for anything he did during Week 8, but for the “WTF” trade he and
Travis put together after Week 8. Travis
should have known better, but I can’t really fault him for making a deal. Chris Johnson – who is a top 15 RB – should
never be traded for a middling defense.
I’m sure that Fadi instantly regretted his decision when he clicked
accept, but he barely had time to do that before he had four vetoes in his
inbox. I’m a little surprised too, given
that he’s actually not terrible at bluffing/negotiating. But let’s chalk this up to the fact that he’s
still pretty green and not quite as savvy as the rest of us. Fadi, sit your ass down in the do better
chair and go to school.
Looking ahead:
As we head into the final five weeks of the regular season,
the Nolans, Polacks and Industries have some real work to do to work into a
playoff spot. It’s unlikely for you
though, so you should probably stop making transactions and look ahead to
2016. The Balls and Boners are gonna be
duking it out for that 8
th spot, and I gotta say, I’d take a boner
over balls. Sam is likely hanging by a
thread, and his team could go either way.
I’m betting he does ok and hangs around in the bottom rungs. Dunn’s a pretender and he’ll be down there
too. Fadi and E are solid squads, and
Crop should be ok if he can deal with his injuries, but I think we have a
two-horse race between TBS and Taco. As
much as I love my sister and tolerate
my brother-in-law,
I’m pulling for Taco all the way.
I apologize for the delay in getting the newsletter out, but
such is the life of someone who works for a crazy person. Also, we haven’t had any Sunday festivities
lately and I feel that a change is in order.
Let’s get something organized for the next few weeks.
In the meantime, we can all look forward to the musings of
the Raging Polacks next week.
Balls out.
