El Jefe
This big swinging hammer crushed TacoCorp's dreams back in Week 1, so just like contracting herpes at Blush, this one somehow feels unfortunately inevitable. It's been 4 years since this team saw a Top 3 MillerKuz finish, and turned in a 2014 performance that was so embarrassing we probably should have just kicked him out of the league. This award was fairly earned but nonetheless comes with a caveat, because while we know that a win is a win is consent because she was definitely 18, this team's 4-0 record is also based on the fewest Points Against in the entire league - you're El Jefe today, but could you be El Perdedor tomorrow? Either way, I hope you bitches packed lots of apple juice in your lunch this week, because it's time for another Big Sandwich. Following what was a "low" Week 3 of 117 points, TBS is right back in the sex swing with a 150-point beatdown of the ailing United, sending them into that warm, league-subsidizing 1-3 record that all 49ers fans know so so well. A breakout week from both Philip Rivers and Martellus "Jay Cutler is pretty much Jesus" Bennett helped propel TBS over a depleted Nolans roster. Good call by the Nolans for hanging onto Jarryd Hayne rather than waking up long enough to waiver any TE that wasn't injured and useless. Nolans, I assume you are at least beating TBS in the secret Fantasy Rugby league you joined.
Senor Lowman
Frankly, this one was pretty tough to call. On one hand, you've got Travis "Yes I'm still in the league" Dunn putting up his lowest score for the week, or Pavlik rolling around in the mud with an 85-point tragedy caused by 4 simultaneous season lows from your running backs AND receivers...but on the other, you've got the Polacks' and their "pierogi curse" 0-4 record, who only narrowly eked out the Givashits for points. This one ultimately came down to a tale of the tape. Sometimes an 0-4 record happens because of unlucky matchups where your 140 point week is frustratingly edged out because Cairo Santos somehow outscored all but 1 running back in the entire fucking league. This happened, but it didn't happen here. No, friends, this is not a story of bad beats or even one where the team manager decided to pull a Taco and just skip setting the lineup for a few weeks to focus on launching a Kickstarter for dick scented tea light candles (seriously, people on there buy anything). Alas, woe is the owner of the can't-get-right Polacks, who just turned in their 3rd consecutive week under 100 points. Look, it's not necessarily your fault - Marshawn Lynch has gone from being the #3 RB in both 2013 and 2014 Fantasy, to being a gimpy sidelined Skittle Goblin who stands precariously close to becoming the kind of depreciated draft albatross that your brain knows probably belongs in a situational RB3 right now, but who you'll keep playing week after week because he can't possibly be that bad, right? Sure, Polacks. Sure. Add to that a lineup that is now basically all P's and Q's, including "House Party 9" extra Davante Adams, and you've put together a sad little recipe for several weeks of soggy ball soup. God help you and Travis Kelce's mock turtleneck, Mrs. Miller.
Hacerlo Mejor Silla
Dunn Givashit. Ignoring Week 4, Travis is averaging a big-kid 140 points per week and sitting in 4th place for overall scoring. You might say that this is a small sample size (something I suspect Travis hears a lot), but the Givashits lineup seems to be good at sharing the load (you can make your own joke here) of putting up multiple 20-point performers. This week, he was pulled down by poor play from Ameer Abdullah and a stinging no-TD performance from the previously unstoppable Julio Jones. In fairness, the only hindsight mistake Dunn really made was playing Derek Carr over Drew Brees, but with a frighteningly injured or ineffective bench, even that correction wouldn't have put him in the running for a victory against the unstoppable Throbby Johnsons, whose gameday poundings suggest the team should just be renamed Instagram Photo, because bitches have to think about the angle they need to take it. With no tough BYE exclusions in Week 5, will Dunn Givashit hop right out of the do better chair, or sit there choking on a Knuckle sandwich?
Tac-oh-no-you-didn't!
This one goes out to the mad Syrian, who not only almost broke the internet, but also left 60 points on the bench and still managed to rise above the pathetic flailing of the Barrister's. Despite a strong Panthers D and a surprisingly productive waiver pickup in Karlos Williams, the Balls just didn't have anything for Fadi. This beat is made a little more painful when you also note that DJ paid $1/point to grab Thomas Rawls and put him into the flex, while leaving the 12-point delta he needed for victory sitting on the bench with Isaiah Crowell and Terrance "I'm not quite Dez Bryant" Williams. Kudos to Sir Fadrick, who was apparently too busy chilling with Tomlin to make any lineup changes after making it rain with even more bench points (111.9, actually) despite also benching two donuts in Week 3. In truth, Fadi did actually modify his roster on Saturday night...and then changed it back on Sunday morning. Rosterbating aside, the Big Mac Virus is squirreling it away like a fat chick next to a chocolate fountain in a Jeff Foxworthy commercial. Folks, if this guy starts playing Fantasy Football, there are going to be some tears.
Nacho Best Decision
I usually think of the bench bomb as one of those moments where you clearly just stepped in it because the universe couldn't protect you from yourself. Like when you put whipped cream on the free jell-o shots and don't understand why you're waking up like a dried out piece of balsa wood next to a 3-ton dump truck with rainbow food coloring all over her face and your own Town Square looking like it just hosted the 2015 Holi Festival. But just as we all grow old and that stuff starts only happening on weekends instead of Tuesdays, it seems like the truly offensive bench bomb has become an elusive temptress, conveniently appearing only in weeks that I'm not writing the newsletter. Fear not, my boon companions on this Fantastic Voyage...[pause so you can pour some out for Coolio]...as I will not sully the gilded TacoCorp Newsletter reputation by merely throwing my hands in the air and mumbling "I guess I'll say it was me" a la The Reluctant Sandwich. That said, I have no choice but to hand out the slightly less satisfying Aggregate Bench Bomb. The Boners didn't make 1 big bad decision, but a series of small tactical errors that cost them what could have been their very first victory over a very week Junction performance. Despite the surprise flop from Randall Cobb and a bad luck hammy from Stevie Johnson, Pav still could have mustered more than 85 points. In fact, in what ended up as a 13.7 point loss the 53 bench points shared between 1 back and 2 receivers, compared to all 11.8 points that actually came in from the starting ground game, says that Pavlik just screwed this up. A single substitution with Todd Gurley would have done it. Or let's call it a waiver bomb and ask why in the name of infant baby jesus riding on the back of a tyrannosaurus you thought starting the Eagles D against Grandpa Manning was the right play. No matter how you cut it, you did this to your own self, and for that, I don't feel bad about handing you the Bomb.
Good luck to everyone in the rest of Week 5, and best wishes for a turnaround by next week's author, the Polack's. Sorry this one came late (something Cropcho never has to worry about).W
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