Week Five - Fluctuation

I'd like to think it was for the pretzel, but I can't be sure.

On Sunday, I was on my way to the city of Philadelphia, which anyone with a map and an IQ over 50 knows involves an unhealthy amount of I-76 and toll rate north of $25.00.

When I travel alone, I don't like to stop. It was only a 4.5 hour trip, I've done that in a car alone before. I'm not old enough to have a prostate problem, and I can eat/drink while driving because I'm not a chimp, so its easy enough to just keep driving.

Unless. Unless, of course, there are fantasy scores to be checked.

Public Service Announcement: Don't text and/or check fantasy football scores while driving in excess of 75 mph. It. Can. Wait.

I stopped at one of those deceptively convenient rest stops right along the Turnpike. I didn't even pee. I almost didn't get out of the car.  I stopped really just to check on my match up with The Big Mac Attack. I couldn't lose in consecutive weeks to Taco and BMA, our perpetual Lowmen. At that point, I was tied 95-95 with BMA with my new QB, P. Rivers and his kicker still to play. It was in the bag. I could finish my journey.

But not after I got my pretzel. Even though a bus of what looked like 8th graders walked in right before, I still figured it prudent to go in and cop myself an Auntie Anne original soft pretzel. After all, I do have a pulse.

Last week in the standings, I was in 9th place. This week I'm in 5th. I can't go back and check on everyone else's previous place in the standings, but I'm assuming I'm not the only one who's position has fluctuated. I mean, the Nolans were in first place three weeks ago. They've lost each week since. Landing them squarely in 10th place, and apparently, at the precipice of divorce court. That's some serious fluctuation.

Stud of the Week: Wicked of Lately finally emerges from underneath the massive pile of points his opponents were lumping on them the last couple of weeks to beat the Barrister's Balls and the rest of the league with a commendable 158 points. Only Marques Colston (3) did not break the double-digit barrier. It also never hurts that he owns the Tony Romo who not only lost his actual game and still scored 46 points, but also ruined DJ's Sunday (or season). WL really milked the Cowboys this week, also getting a relatively massive 26 point contribution from Jason Witten. For those of you who read this newsletter without a calculator, that's 72 Cowboy points. Also, shame on you.

Lowman of the Week: Oh sure, Taco. Score 168 points last week when you're playing my lowly squad and save your normal 82 point week for Vandelay Industries. Like Mr. 202 needs the help. It only took five weeks, but Taco finally started a "zero." Thanks for that, Ryan Matthews. In quarterback news, Sammy Bradford scored 12 more points than Thomas Brady. It's always good when your first round pick is considerably out-performed by the Ram's quarterback. And by good I mean "yikes."

Nolan (Quarterback) Update: Congrats, Nolans. You didn't make a mistake with your starting quarterbacks this week. This ends the good news. Fortunately, for comedy's sake, both of your quarterbacks scored a laughable 12 points. Mike Vick finally hurt himself and Colin Kaepernick lost his powers to the Monstars from Space Jam. The 49'er's D/ST is destroying the rest of the league and making me (and everyone else in the league) laugh hysterically in the process. Also, your kicker was your team's high scorer this week. Oh, and I may have mentioned this already, but since receiving a compliment from this very Newsletter, you've gone 0-3 and plummeted 9 spots in the standings. Still sure it's not a free fall?

The Opposite of a Bench Bomb: The Big Sandwich fell short of 100 points this week with their measly 92. But, did you look at their bench production? Their bench totaled 1 point. That's not a typographical error. ONE point. The only player who wasn't on a bye week and/or injured was Kenny Britt. Kenny scored one point. I can't be sure, but that might be the lowest bench production this league has ever seen. Sadly, the lineup could have been improved. Replace Andre Roberts' zero with Kenny's one and now you have 93. Congrats.

Conversely, Toner's Boner's, TBS' week five opponent, netted 99 bench points. His bench beat three starting lineups this week.

Shut Up, DJ: Yes, you scored the second most points this week. Yes, you lost to the only person in the league who could have beaten you. No, we do not care. No, you didn't make any lineup mistakes, but we still do not feel bad for you. For some perspective, take a look at the Points Against column on the standings page. Yes, you have the second most points against scored upon you thus far this year. But, seriously. Look at WL's total Points Against. It is 111 points more than you. New Rule: until these number change drastically, the only one allowed to complain is the 3-2 Wicked of Lately. But really, if you're in fourth place, you shouldn't be complaining anymore. Everyone has their plight.

James Jones!: Jimmy, stop hating James Jones. He will haunt you forever. OR TRADE HIM TO ME.

Charles Clay: Crop, stop the nonsense. Sit Clay down and let Vernon Davis run free. You should be commended for merely benching Davis though. It could have been worse, you could have dropped the 49er at the first sign of sub-par performance...

Week Four - Jimmy's Big Week

It felt a whole lot like rock bottom.

I was sitting on my toilet. Phone in hand. Lights off.

Okay, so that beginning sounds a lot worse than it actually was, but it's still the truth. I guess I was too lazy to turn the switch.

I never watch Sunday night football unless a player of mine is playing. I especially don't watch Sunday night football when a player I benched is playing (Thanks for being irrelevant, Mike Wallace). This night was another Sunday night sans football. But, I went to the bathroom and checked my fantasy team as I am wont to do. I was scrolling through the league scores. My matchup with Taco had long been over. You're welcome, Taco. I was, at this point of the night, checking merely to see if I would be the Willy Lowman of the Week. At that exact moment moment (some point during the second half), I was not. Big Mac still owned that dubious title.

I flipped to the standings, and as I flipped back to the scoreboard, I realized Big Mac had just scored 11 more points, (**SPOILER ALERT**) making me the Lowman. Thanks a lot, Jimmy Graham.

Not only was I the Lowman of the Week, but I watched it happen. On my phone. Sitting on my toilet. In the dark.

Stud of the Week: If my embarrassingly true story makes me the least happy league participant this week, our Stud of the Week is the happiest. His name is James Cafaro. He owns/operates Vandelay Industries. He scored 202 points this week. 202! As if eclipsing 200 points in any given week weren't cause enough for a legitimate celebration with alcohol and friends, James also got engaged this past weekend. I'm told he proposed to his lovely fiance, Caitlin, at Phipps. They drank champagne. Congrats, James.

But let's get back to the business at hand. I did not know until I sat down to write this Newsletter that James scored 202 points. I think I audibly gasped. Every single started scored at least 20 points except for Giovonni Bernard (because hes about 5'1") and Sebastian Janikowski (because he's a kicker). This is the first week he didn't mess up his receivers. The ageless Tony Gonzalez led his squad with 39 points. Jimmy Graham and the Saints may have made me the Lowman and won the game, but Good Old Uncle Tony walked away with the Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap honors for Week 4. Sorrys go out to Sam and Amy this week, but when it's James' week, just get out of his way.

Willy Lowman of the Week: Yours truly. I am currently entertaining offers for anyone not named Adrian Peterson. Actually, you can have AP if you bring the noise. But don't waste my time.

I only scored 92 points and was the only league member who managed to stay sub-100. My flex, 2 WR and TE combined for 6 points. Four position players = 6 points. Somehow, I managed to start a QB who is worse than Eli Manning. Seriously, is this real life?

If you take my score (92) and double it (184) it is still less than James' total (202) BY 18 POINTS. I think I'm going to cry.

Nolan's QB Decisions: I think I'm going to start tracking this on a weekly basis. The Nolan's picked the wrong quarterback this week. They started Colin Kaepernick. He scored 14 points. Mike Vick lost to Peyton by about 63 (real) points and still scored more than Kaepernick (16). Keep up the good work. Solid 0-2 showing since the compliment heard 'round the Newsletter in Week 2. I might just start complimenting everyone.

DJ's Quarterback Decisions: DJ picked up and started Matt Flynn of the Oakland Raiders. DJ, you know how I know you made a bad decision? I felt a very real need to say who Matt Flynn played for when I just typed his name in that last sentence. He was as bad as anyone would expect Oakland's backup quarterback to be. He scored 12 points. Funnier still: that's the same amount Russell Wilson scored this week. One of the best QB competitions you read about for the Balls in the coming weeks.

Overcoming Bombs: Raging Pollacks left two big weeks from receivers on her bench. Andre Johnson and Nate Washington combined for 54 points on her bench. RP still managed to bone Toner by 17 points. This was due in most part to the fact that Toner's Boner's RBs were almost as bad as my WRs/TE/Flex this week. This was due also in part to the fact that DJ told Laura to bench Fred Jackson and play Ray Rice and she completely ignored him. The lesson - as always: DJ has no idea what he's talking about.

Taco Making Moves: Public Service Announcement: Taco's Lobos Latinos have scored 138 and 168 points respectively in the last two weeks. Somebody learned how to play. He got his first win this week thanks in large part to the Colts D/ST and the atrocious conglomeration of players we call "Knuckle Junction."

Who the Hell is Charles Clay?: Some guy named Charles Clay scored 16 points for Boris Kochler this week. I have no idea who that is. Maybe that's why my team is awful. Cropcho proving once again that he knows more than he lets on set a balanced line up to beat The Big Sandwich. Everyone on his team scored in the double digits except for Dan Bailey (because he's a kicker. Amy, did you hear that...he scored only three points BECAUSE HE'S A KICKER.)

Week Three - Status Quo

The real reason this week's Newsletter is late?

I've just now stopped laughing at the Nolan's performance in Week 3.

Apparently, last week's Newsletter went to their heads. I'd be lying if I said last week, as I was writing the nicest Newsletter to date, I wasn't thinking about the comedy that would come if the Nolans returned to their truer form. Luckily for me, and the rest of the league as a whole, the Nolans are no longer in first place. All is right in the world.

Word also came down this morning that the Nolans Doug (prudently) dropped the 49ers D/ST. I have a hard time believing our resident die-hard 49er's fan - Natalie - will be okay with losing 11 49er's all at once. It was inevitable, but the Nolans free-fall in the standings not-so-coincidentally coincides with our annual Nolan un-uniting. Doug: I am willing to take Colin Kaepernick off of your hands. Send me an offer. Lance Moore is available.

The Nolan's have been restored to their rightful place in the league standings and, infuriatingly, The Big Sandwich has ascended to their frustratingly normal spot atop the league standing.

So, it only took three weeks, but we're back to status quo.

Stud of the Week: Really? Again? Yes, it's true. Dunngivashit is a repeat offender. Almost half of this league has never been the Stud of the Week (you know who you are), and Travis has managed to pull it off twice in as many weeks. This week's performance, while it's not the jaw-dropping 190 total from last week, is still a more-than-respectable 144. More impressively, his bench only scored 19 points this week, 16 of which from his necessary back-up quarterback. All but Kyle Rudolph and Blair Walsh managed to put up double digits and Antonio Brown proved to all the long-time listeners, first-time callers that he is worthy of getting more targets and that his bone-head Offensive Coordinator would be better served to throw him the damn ball. Brown's 41 points came in another Steeler loss.

Travis is having a good year, but Jimmy Cafaro has to be hurting what with his hometown Steelers win-less and his train wreck of a fantasy team imploding before his very eyes. Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm sure your boy, Benny Fat Face, will save the day. Pause. Not. They're laughably terrible.

Willy Low-man of the Week: The Lowman goes to the jet-setting Boris Kochler. I’ve said it plenty of times in this Newsletter, but it’s worth repeating – Excuses are only reasons why you aren’t good at things. While BK was and/or still is overseas for a lavish Italian wedding of two American citizens. I’m not what people would describe as “cultured” mostly because I hate museums, I’ve never been to Europe and I would eat hot dogs three times a week if it were up to me. So, I can’t be sure that Italy has access to the Internet, but even if it doesn’t, BK still could have set his lineup before he left or called a friend to set it for him. Internet or no-Internet aside, his starters scored exactly 6 points more than his bench. His starting WRs combined for as many fantasy points as Luke Stipanovich, and while we’re at it, Toney Douglas’ (third-string point guard for the NBA’s New York Knickerbockers) older brother, Harry, is done starting in this league. We’re better than that. You might not be, but we are. Clean yourself up.

Bench Bomb: It’s easy just to say that literally every WR on Vandelay Industries’ bench is the bench bomb of the week. Seriously, look at his bench. It wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t true. Like I said; Train. Wreck. It’s also fun to point out that two of Boris Kochler’s benched WRs combined for 56 points, mostly because his starting WRs, as you may remember, combined for 0 points. These are worthy bench bombs, but far be it from me to deny our first ever self nomination. The Nolans (still United at time of email) sent me a note that nominated their decision to start Greg Olsen over Jordan “Jimmy Graham, Jr.” Cameron. Cameron caught three touchdowns. Greg Olsen did not. Cameron’s 30 points would have easily cinched victory for the Nolans, but when you can start a tight end who has scored 26 and 14 points respectively in the first two weeks, then you probably have to, right? Brian Hoyer aside, start Cameron. Every week.

Luck of the Sandwich: If you’re not new to this league (Boners, earmuffs) you’re well aware of the luck the Sandwich has enjoyed over the past three seasons. Brandon Pettigrew’s improbably great spot-start in a playoff game comes to mind. Well, unfortunately for the rest of us, the luck is back. TBS is atop the standings with a 3-0 record. Week three saw TBS win with the third worst point total. So for those of you who need me to hold your hand; that means only two teams scored lower than TBS, and TBS was lucky enough to be matched up against one of those two this week. It really is absurd.

Blood Feud: If anyone missed any of the emails exchanged between Amy and Taco this week, you need to stop reading this and immediately find those emails. Great entertainment. Amy was winning the battle by pointing out that Larry Fitzgerald should never be on Taco’s bench and if he hadn’t been, Taco would have won this week and been named Stud of the Week. But if TBS has all the luck, Taco has none. He is one of the esteemed second-best point totals to lose to the Stud. But, Taco got off the mat and punched back and won by TKO for pointing out that Amy not only drafted two kickers as she is wont to do, but picked two kickers WITH THE SAME BYE WEEK. There’s no coming back from that Ames. Taco may have won that exchange of electronic mail messages, but that doesn’t mean he’ll win any fantasy match ups this season. Here’s hoping…

Week Two - It Can't Last

Normally, I'm here to mock one of you for the terrible fantasy football decisions you've made this week. And, by "one of you," I obviously mean DJ.

This week I'd like to go where no newsletter has gone before. I'd like to compliment one of our team owners on borderline genius line up decision. As if it couldn't get any weirder, that team is Nolan United. So, if you're keeping score at home, I'm going to compliment the Nolans and we're going to make it through this introduction section without me mocking DJ.

Nolans: I am seriously impressed with your decision to start Michael Vick over Colin Kaepernick in Week Two of this 2013 fantasy football season.

Yes, I know the Eagles were playing the Chargers and the 49er's had the distinct displeasure of playing on the road in Seattle, but still. Kaepernick scored 33 points in his season debut. Vick posted a pedestrian 26.  Moreover, Kaepernick is a 49er. Last I checked, the Nolans don't sit 49ers.

I know you're all sitting there saying you would do exactly what the Nolans did. What you don't realize, though, is that you're all liars.

The call paid off in a big way. Vick went for 40 (in a loss) and Kaepernick pooped his pants on national television to the tune of 10 total points.

Also, the Nolans are in first place for what has to be the first time in our leagues history. Just know, Nolans, this cannot last. It will not last and I can't wait to laugh when the exact opposite of this quarterback scenario happens, but until then, enjoy the compliment.

Stud of the Week: Hide your wife, hide your kids, cause Dunn Givashit is still scoring points. 180 points is no joke and a new 2013 points record. Every single starter - with the expected exception of Jacquizz Rogers (yes, that's his real name) - scored in the double-digits. Julio Jones scored only one touchdown but still posted 42 points. I'm remembering a career-long TD reception for young Julio in there somewhere, but, as always, I can't be sure. I hope Julio enjoys carrying around Jimmy Graham's jock around this week because he certainly earned it. He also got 28 points of that Aaron Rodger's Money in the form of Randall "Corn on the" Cobb.

Antonio Brown did manage to score 11 points, which is one more than the Steelers managed to score this week. Consider this your warning, League: we are another ghastly week away from banning Steelers employees from starting lineups.

Willy Lowman of the Week: Taco has found the line of terrible and has crossed it. Again. This week's low-man and new owner of the lowest one-week point total is the Lobos Latinos and his 89 points. His bench scored only 15 points worse than his starters. On my phone, it lists players names with just their first initial and their last name and I have to admit that I had no idea who V. Brown, SD WR was. Then I looked up his stats and realized that there's a very legitimate reason why I don't know this man. He's caught exactly six passes for exactly 39 yards this season. Maybe it's time he found a spot on your bench as permanent as your place as our Lowman, Taco.

Bench Bomb of the Week: I really do love when you guys do your job for me. I woke up to a message from Boris Kochler that read "Jamblow bench bombing over Baghdad." Yes, that's actually what it said. Jamblow is Jimmy, and Boris is right. Not one, but two bench bombs this week from our large-chested owner of Vandelay Industries. VI lost a close match up to yours truly by a mere 12 points. He also left James Jones (29 points) and Gio Bernard (18 points) on his bench. Playing either of those players instead of the Shermanated Anquan Boldin or Danarius Moore (!) would have given him the win. Seriously, James, you are aware that Tyrelle Pryor is responsible for throwing the ball to Moore, right? Get your life together.

Unfathomable Amounts of Awful: Big Mac. Oh, Big Mac. What on Google Earth were you doing this week? Were you actively trying to destroy ESPN's Fantasy Site? Were you trying to make history? Is this all just a big joke? Sadly, and hysterically, I'm sure none of those ever crossed your mind. Let's take a look at Big Mac's week in fantasy: BM scored 134 points this week, narrowly losing to Boris Kochler's 139. BM's bench scored an astounding 130 points. Somehow, there are only 3 actual bench bombs on his bench. It makes more sense if you realize his bench includes two QBs behind Aaron Rodgers, which makes little sense in and of itself, but you get my point. Also, his worse player - Micheal Bush (0 points) - was on his bench and Cody Fleener wasn't going to outscore Jimmy Graham's 40 points at TE. The only way it could have been funnier is if Boris would have lost to that disaster. Because I'm feeling kind, let's look at the Silver Lining - there is a potential for your team to score 264 total points, so a few better considered decisions, and you'll get a 'W.'

Because I Can't Resist: Barrister's Balls did not have a good week. He lost to his fantasy arch nemisis, The Big Sandwich, his highest scoring player was a week-one waiver claim and he spent his early Sunday afternoon at Wholey's. (Please see DJ Quote of the Week to the right). At least Reggie Bush is healthy and Julius Thomas was in your starting lineup. Oops. Only one of those last two things are true. And we both know Reggie Bush isn't healthy. Speaking of injuries: How long until you "trade" your wife Bernard Pierce for Dez Bryant?

Week One - Welcome Back

September 5, 2013 was the day after our draft. It was also the first day of the 2013 NFL regular season. It was also that day, at 7:26pm EST, that I reveived this message:

"Already having a lineup crisis. Thomas or Sudfeld? Whomever I sit will go off. Welcome to the new season."

If you don't know who sent this, please stop reading.

You know the rest.

Our fearless commissioner sat Julian Thomas. Julian Thomas had 29 points. He started Zach Sudfeld. Zach Sudfeld had 0 points. That, my friends, is a bench bomb.

You can't make this stuff up.

Welcome to the 2013 edition of the MillerKuz Fantasy Football League Newsletter.

It may be some consolation for the Balls that even if Julian's jock-slapping performance on Thursday night had counted toward his actual total he still would have lost to this week's Stud of the Week. Probably not. But here's to silver linings.

Stud of the Week: Knuckle Junction did not reach 173 points until the fourth week of the season last year. (All statistics approximate, and more accurately, made-up hyperbole.) This week thanks to three 30+ point performers and a solid dose of luck KJ slapped up the (unofficial) third-best single week in league history. The Mouth Breathing Dummy somehow lost a game, threw three INTs and still scored 36 fantasy points. He was so bad that the Cowboys D/ST posted a 30-point opening night. So, for those keeping score at home, Eli Manning was directly responsible for 66 points toward KJ's total - the likes of which haven't been seen this side of Tim Tebow vs. Detroit Lions circa 2011.

Willy Low-Man of the Week: No stranger to the bad side of the Newsletter, Lobos Latinos posted the lowest score of the inaugural week of 2013 (105). Next time maybe you'll draft your own squad. Somehow, this isn't as much fun to write knowing that you aren't directly responsible for the train wreck we're all pretending is a real fantasy roster.

Also, a new rule is in place for the 2013 MillerKuzFFL: No owner will start a New York Jet. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Not even Chris Ivory's 5th grade piano teacher starts him in her knitting club league. There are only 12 teams in this league, if you can't find someone not on the Jets to start for your team, you just don't deserve to play. Chris Ivory, and the rest of the NY Jets are on a permanent bye week, Taco. Do the right thing.

Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap: The Sheriff, Peyton Manning. Vandelay Industry benefited hansomely in Week one from Manning's 7 TD's and 49 fantasy points. For a week at least, I won't criticize VI for taking Peyton in the third round of a 12 team draft.  Side note: two of those seven TD's were thrown to Julian Thomas, whom you may know, was on the Ball's bench.

New Additon: Toner's Boners, on behalf of all of us at the Newsletter, welcome to the league. TB had a decent first week out. He even has the dubious distinction of scoring the most points in a loss (148). There will be decisions to be made for TB down the road here as a quarterback competion seems to have broken out. Improbably, Carson Palmer's Corpse totaled 21 points - 9 more points than (S)cam Newton. Luckily for TB, that decision won't matter; he plays the artist formerly known as Taco Corp (TM) next week.

Awkward Team Photos and Abbreviations: Boris Kochler has been known to have some absurd names that make you feel weird if your grandmother or any other real adult saw a list of team names in your fantasy league. But this year he has taken it to a new level. Inexplicably, his team photo is Dick Cheney making a face that somehow simultaneously says "I don't care how much it costs, make her go away" and "I'm serious, son, don't touch my nachos." And the cherry on the top is his team abbreviation, which simply reads, XOXO. I'm just going to let that fact hang there without comment.