Semi-Finals - Just Call Me "Eric Football"

It didn’t take long.

It couldn’t have been later than 1:15 pm. Cleveland had just run their first four offensive plays. A six-yard hand off. A one-yard hand off. A broken play and one-yard QB scramble. Punt. Thanks for nothing, Johnny Manziel.

Admittedly, starting Johnny Football wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. With the exception of Julio Jones, my team is a dumpster fire and has been most of this year. I somehow ended up in the semi-finals and I had to something.

Denard “The Nard Dog” Robinson had to go. Cut. Julio Jones injured his hip sticking it to the Green Bay Packers to the tune of 44+ fantasy points. So he was out too. I added four new players and started three players for the first time all season. One of which was Johnny Football.

I honestly think that Cropcho would look a whole lot like Johnny Manziel if he started an NFL game at QB against the Cincinnati Bengals. And that's saying something as I’m not entirely certain I’ve ever seen Crop throw a spiral.

It doesn’t stop there. I also started Donte Moncrief. He’s a WR for the Indianapolis Colts, or so says ESPN.com. It wasn’t until about 2:30 pm that I had confirmed that Donte was even playing in an NFL game on Sunday. He did make one catch – a 48 yard touchdown…that was called back due to an offensive holding call. I guess I’ll just go fuck myself.

Ladies and gentleman, your Willy Lowman of the Week – Knuckle Junction.

Stud of the Week: To make matters worse for the Lowman, his arch-nemesis, Nolan United not only laughed its way past KJ and into the finals; they did so as the Stud of the Week.

Led by Antonio Brown, the Nolans put up a not-so-impressive and completely beatable 127.4 points. Let’s play a game. How many times has AB scored less than 20 fantasy points this season? No, you’re wrong. It’s four. FOUR. And, how many times has AB scored less than 15 points this fantasy season? Yes, two. TWO. And, lastly, how many times has AB scored more than 30 points this fantasy season? Five. FIVE. So for those of you keeping score at home, AB has scored 30 points more times than he has scored less than 20. How is that real life? Two Steelers in the first round next year. When was the last time that happened? Kordell Stewart and Yancey Thigpen?

Otherwise, the Nolans are going to need Matt Forte to be Matt Forte again – even if Jimmy Clausen will be his starting quarterback this week, if they have a shot to beat the Ball’s next week.

Nolans – you were a worthy semi-final opponent and rivalry aside, the better team won this week.

Shut up, Sam. Your team might have scored the most points, but your game (and all of the other games and teams intentionally not discussed in this newsletter) DID NOT MATTER. Get over it.

The only other matchup that mattered: The Barrister’s Balls edged out Dunn Givashit. DG scored a measly 105.1 points this week. Measly is a relative term. This week’s total was the lowest posted by DG ALL SEASON. In fact, it is the lowest weekly total for DG by over 15 points. His previous low was 120.2 in week 9 win over the Nolans. Talk about bad luck.

Great team this season, Travis. You’re a lock for some “points” money even with a loss this week. Here’s hoping you poop your pants this week too so I can sneak in there and win some money. Or should I say “more money?” Thanks, Sam.

Odell Beckham Jr’s dinner plate hands carried the Balls to a victory this week. You know what they say about guys with huge hands, right DJ? Yep. That’s it. Huge gloves. You’re such a Dad.

Eli also scored more points than the benched Tony Romo. When you agonize over a lineup decision and you actually get it right (albeit by 0.3 points), you know things are going your way. J-Mail Charles didn’t have to even suit up this week. Thanks a lot, Oakland. But none of the other players mattered. OBJ scored 44+ points and carried you to an easy win over DG on what we’ve already established was an unlucky down week from his squad.

I Can’t Decide Who I Hate Less: I thought long and hard about who I was going to support this week in our championship game. Obviously, without DJ in this league, these newsletters wouldn’t write themselves and none of us would have any fun laughing at him every week. But, he’s not going to quit if he loses. On the other hand, the Nolans have been bad for the better part of the last three seasons, AND they’re also my sworn enemy. The Hatfield to my McCoy. The Michigan to my Ohio State. The Lime to my Tunafish. (10 bonus points for anyone who knows that move reference).

Needless to say, I’m torn. But, ultimately, it’s not a hard decision, and I encourage you all to follow my lead here. This week, I am supporting the United States of Nolan. Nothing personal, Deej. But, you’re already leading the points race and you’ve won this league before. You’ve had your turn. It’s someone else’s turn.

Besides, I don’t think the trophy can handle another set of testicles.

I look forward to reading the runner-ups newsletter next week. And you thought this one was bitter.

Go Nolans. 

I hate myself.

Raging Pollacks Back for More

This is dumb. This is super dumb. I was totally on board with the round robin newsletter format now that you clowns are all gainfully (?) employed. But I'm not sure why E thought it would be a good idea for the low man of the playoffs to write the newsletter. Clearly the low man no longer cares. Why?  Cause I fucking lost (to be fair I barely cared before). What we should've done is had the lowest scoring team STILL IN the playoff hunt write the newsletter. Because if I had my way this newsletter would say blah blah blah, go fuck yourselves. A person still in the hunt would at least have a slight interest in the week that was and how this whole thing plays out. But I don't make the rules, I just follow 'em. So here goes:

Stud of the week: DJM. I don't know when his team got so good. If you suffered through Sundays with us you'd assume (like I did) that he was constantly getting Taco-ed (who returned to Taco Standard Time this week). Runner up- Travis. Luckily Peyton's 6.whatever points didn't impact your trouncing of Fadi.

Willy Loman of the week: spoiler alert jerks…it's me! Runner up- Pavlik. While you fell short of your goal you did avoid newsletter duty. So congratulations.

Bench bomb: Pavlik, while it wouldn't have mattered if you would have played Riveria, it would have made E sweat last night. And he was already up past his bedtime. But in the end, no one's bench could have saved their season. I guess that helps you nut jobs sleep at night.

Jimmy Graham jock slap: Rams D. Of all the weird players DJ said I NEEDED to pick up this season, I don't think this was one of them. Funny how that works...

Do better chair: The logical choice would be me. But instead I'll vote for the lowest of the teams still in the playoff hunt- Knuckle. If you do better next week, you have a chance of putting away your rival the Nolans. I can't wait to watch that fun unfold while they are at our mutual friend's son's 3rd birthday party Sunday afternoon.

Ok. Best of luck in round 2 dummies. While no one wants another set of truck nuts on the trophy (and I don't want that thing in my house for a year), I gotta say...let's go DJM. We have to cover our/your transaction fees and still afford to send our kids to college.

See you suckers in January,
RP

E's Back for More

I've been exposed.

After 11 consecutive newsletters written by every team but mine, it slowly became evident that I am a fraud and should not have been solely responsible for the newsletter and podcast content these past three years. You guys are much better at it. With the exception of a largely clueless Vandelay Industries who thought there was no one left to nominate two weeks ago, I did not have to write one word in the last 11 weeks and, I have to say, it was glorious. 

I've never been more excited to pen a newsletter. Well, except for the 300 lb Ellen-Show Guest Elephant in the Room. Seriously, Taco, how can anyone follow that? You've injected at least two phrases into my every-day vernacular: "For the liberal arts majors..." and I'll let you guess the other. (Hint: it rhymes with Clowndown Gravitation.)

But at any rate, I’m back like Kevin Durant and, unlike Kevin Durant, I don’t have to save a 5-12 OKC squad with my silky jumper. I’m merely here to wrap up Week 13 and preview the 2014 Millerkuz League Playoffs.

Stud of the Week: Dunn Givashit slapped up a cool 172.3. In a league seemingly devoid of every down backs, LaGarrette Blount’s orchestrated departure to New England all but guarantees that Le’Veon Bell will stand behind Big Ben’s Fat Face on every snap until the Steelers inevitably play themselves out of the playoffs. To that end, Le’Veon “Chocolate Diamond” Bell contributed 40.4 points to DG’s league-leading weekly (and yearly) total. Even though Peyton Manning scored a Ryan-Tannehill-like 13.3 points – his lowest of the season, DG still managed to out-pace the league this week by 11+ points. Even more incredulously, DG’s bench tallied a ghastly 143.4 points which happens to be enough points to beat SEVEN starting rosters in this league. Special shout out to DeAndre Hopkins who, undaunted by his delegation to DG’s bench, scored exactly 15.8% of his total points (52.8 out of 334) this season in ONE WEEK. It’s official, it’s Dunn Givashit’s world; we’re just living in it.

Honorable Mention: In what can only be described as “pulling a Deej,” the Barrister’s Balls are this week’s second-highest scorer and they still added one to the “L” column thanks to our aforementioned Stud. Well, DJ might not be the only honorable mention to fall to the stud, but to hear him talk about his team after a loss, you’d think he was the most unlucky fantasy football player to ever waste a draft pick on Ladarius Green. Tony Romo did his best to submarine the Balls on Turkey Day by posting less than eight total points while he ran around looking more afraid to get hit than a pigeon on the sidewalk. But alas, the Balls tallied a round 161 points due in large part to the 48 points the St. Louis Ram’s D/ST managed to amass. I’ll never understand how defenses in this league score points, but take a bow, Deej, you scored the second-most points this week and still loss. It’s so hard being you.

Willy Loman of the Week: Vocabulary time: Microcosm (n) a situation regarded as encapsulating in miniature the characteristic qualities or features of something much larger. This is the only appropriate word to describe the fantasy football week Wicked of Lately had. WL aka the Paper Champs, managed to squeeze out a league-worst 95.2 points which is commiserate with his team’s performance all year. It doesn’t help that he started a goose-egg in the form of this year’s Underperformer of the Year – Julius Thomas. The squad looks really good but when it comes time to perform, they go flaccid. And they have all year. It’s all too fitting a week like this officially eliminated WL from the playoffs.

Honorable Mention: The United Nolans of Regent Square (shout out to that awesome logo which I only just discovered). Oh how the mighty have fallen. After Week 7, the Nolans were in first place with an impressive 6-1 record. They round out the regular season with a middle-of-the-playoff-pack 8-5. Less than impressively, the Nolans were two garbage-time touchdowns and two point conversions from Antonio Brown from being sub-100 and the Willy Loman of the Week. ABNot the best way to roll into the playoffs. AB, whose back has to be ailing from carrying the likes of Benjamin Cunningham (?!) and the rest of the Nolans squad, scored (approximately) 30 of his 31.7 points with four minutes left in the laugher against the Saints.

The All-Irrelevant Team: Hey, Big Sandwich, Limp Dixons, Wicked of Lately and Newsletter MVP, Taco – you don’t play so good. Have a nice off-season. The four of you and the garbage heaps you’ve been passing off as fantasy teams this season were rendered utterly irrelevant at the conclusion of the Dolphins-Jets game last night. When asked if Crop or he would like to write a short playoff preview from an outsider’s perspective to accompany this newsletter, Sam promptly responded: “Here’s your playoff preview. Fuck all y’all. Go Fadi. Love, Sam and Crop =).” So to all four of you: Do Better.

Bench Bomb: The easy answer is Travis and his highest scoring bench of all time. But I don’t ever take the easy way out, unless manual labor is involved. My hands are far too soft for that noise. Lucky for you, no manual labor here. But, unlucky for Raging Pollacks, I did some more digging. Lucky for no one, RP probably won’t even read this far down. But I digress. The Bench Bomb of the Week belongs to RP who decided to play Marques Colston over Eddie Royal. At first blush, it may seem like she made the right call, but again – not so easy. Over the course of this season, Colston has scored more than 10 points five times. Royal has scored more than 10 points six times. Additionally, Royal has scored more than 20 points three times this season. Colston has scored more than 20 points the same amount of times as Estella this season. Easy decision – has to be Royal there. Not only did RP make the wrong decision for her WR, but it also cost her a win in Week 13 and the opportunity to play my hit-or-miss (mostly miss) Looney Tune squad in Week 1 of the playoffs. Your loss, my gain.

Playoff Match Ups: If you are in the Playoffs and you do not know who you play this week, then I hate you. I won’t even bother to type it here. Go on your phone or the internet and look it up. If you won’t do that, there’s no helping you and I hope you lose miserably. Also, I wish you all terrible luck. May your decisions be comically bad and may you all lose unpleasantly.

Newsletter Rules to Remember: Each week, the lowest scorer of the playoff participants will write the newsletter for that week, culminating with the second-place finisher writing the final newsletter of the year. So next week, if you are the Willy Loman of the Week then you are writing that week’s newsletter. Irrelevant Teams need not apply. 

Taco's Opus

Despite an exciting consensual three-way  tie for first and what could be a hotly contested 8th seed (is that how you use seed in this context?  Normally I don’t say “seed” unless we’re talking about semen and even then I’m just using it to sound classier than the other guys at Cheerleaders) in the playoffs, the best battle heading into Monday night was an essentially meaningless competition between the ever ailing TacoCorp™ Firebreathing Zombie Wolf Death Machine and the Andrew Cropcho Droopy Pickles (NASDAQ: ACDP).  After Sunday, the DPs (not that kind) were cuddling an 8 point lead that TacoCorp™ had, in a move I can only describe as “yes, again,” given away by failing to bench a player who was very clearly out due to injury.  Luckily, Cropcho was either too lazy or too dumb to drag K. Allen (the app won’t let me look up his first name right now) off of his bench, which meant that Torrey Smith’s approximation of an NFL wide receiver was enough to eke out a pointless victory for TacoCorp™ in the 4^th quarter.  Accordingly, this week’s “Worse than Taco” award goes to Cropcho, who has pretty unceremoniously used this season to usurp my long-running stint at the back of the human centipede that is this league.

As a brief aside, I don’t know just how many NFL Players have decided that tweeting and scrambling to remove dick pics from social media is so inadequate for their exposure that they need to erect (ha) a personal garbage dump out in the wasteland of the internet, but Larry Darnell Fitzgerald is among the band of self-aggrandizing jackasses that has his own extensive website.  Larryfitzgerald.com includes such epic content as Larr-Bear hocking stem cell banking services in front of a huge American flag, interviewing his dad, promoting something called Fitzgerald Style which I guess just means getting old while praying for a real quarterback, and participating in the Gillette “can he catch it challenge.”  I assume they mean chlamydia and let me just assure you, “Yes.”

Anyway, on to the tale of the tape…  (I was going to say “Tales from the Scales” but that phrase is trademarked by UPMC, seriously.)

Stud of the Week:

Look, this was not exactly a hot contest.  I spent a lot of time staring at the Scoreboard trying to justify giving this award to literally anyone else, but you guys stink worse than my Aunt Donna’s septic leg.  Last week more than one player eclipsed 40 points.  The week before that FIVE players at four different positions hit 40.  Unfortunately, not only did David “My Team Name Hasn’t Been Relevant Since 2012” Miller hand the Knucklers a Velveeta 59 point beat down, he did so riding the crippled back of this week’s highest solo score and resident No. 2 pencil Odell Beckham, Jr.  I can only assume the breakout performance was inspired by DJ’s continued use of law school humor coupled with Odell’s unwillingness to stop paying his barber to make him look like he’s trying to steal Christopher Reid’s role in the next House Party sequel.  As I reluctantly give this award, I take solace in the fact that I’m physically incapable of giving DJ more than about 9/10 of a thumbs up.

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:

Dunn Givashit.  Heading into Monday night, things looked on track for Team DG to grab a 10-2 lock and bask like R. Kelly in the golden glory of entering Week 13 with both the #1 record and the overall scoring lead.  LNKM must have channeled the TacoCorp™ board of directors when she chose to play the dumpy 23^rd rank Buccaneers D rather than the #6 Colts D who, mind you, were facing off against the ONE AND TEN Jaguars.  Sadly our pal Travis, heavily constrained by a Steelers bye week that had eliminated half his bench, was apparently counting on rookie Bishop Sankey to protect what looked like a very solid lead.  Turns out Bishop is even worse at preventing team owner teabagging than he is at actually scoring touchdowns, because by the end of Monday night Travis had the ripe scent of Justin Forsett’s downtown situation all over his face.

Dishonorable Mention:

Wicked of Lately and Family.  Like Cropcho’s burning sensation that just won’t go away, Dr. “It’s Mathematically Possible” has managed to survive yet another week by taking advantage of a slipping Nolan United that hasn’t been able to repeat anything close to their 6-dub dominance in weeks 3 through 8.  This is even more impressive when you consider that Sam, fighting for survival, tapped Jacob Tamme for TE duty.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  This is a man who, over seven (7) seasons in the NFL, has logged a career 10 touchdowns.  For the liberal arts majors, this amounts to less than one touchdown over every 10 games.  It comes as no surprise then that TamTam, despite the TD clinic put on by Peyton Manning this week, posted yet another statistical vomit stain amounting to 0.9 points;  and was outscored by at least two dozen tight ends available on the waiver.  If I could find a Jacob Tamme fathead I would buy it for the $0.23 it has to cost and move that the Commish impose sanctions requiring you to display it in your office for the entire 2015 season.  Look at his face.  There’s no way your wife approved.

Willy Lowman:

You know, Aleppo Faith’s middling 5-7 record is actually almost impressive when you consider that over the course of this season he has scored only 83 points more than Cropcho’s ditch digging band of idiots (and that’s 56 points more than the Taco Corp™ Locker Room Broadway Show©).  Looking at the Faith’s Start/Sit chart and [lack of] available bench talent, it’s actually hard to call Fadi out on specific failures here (other than multiple obvious failures in drafting and thinking that anyone who played for the Huskies in college could succeed in life [sick burn]).  Sure he could have worked the wire like someone who is actually paying attention, but perhaps that is just the life of Willy Lowman…a random luck-driven peak of average success followed by a sad, plodding march into dark, depressing obscurity.  Keep the Faith, Fadi, you can always blame it on the Big Mac logo.

Bench Bomb:

United we Stand.  Or United we make terrible lineup selections in the second half of the season.  Just kidding, you couldn’t have known…but seriously, get a different kicker because that shit is offensive.  Honestly the bench bomb this week is more like a pipe bomb that someone hid deep inside a body cavity while they sat in the waiting room of the free clinic, sweating and listening to some lady on her iphone bitch about how her ACCESS card never works when she goes to buy new vape cartridges and I mean obviously she needs them because it’s better than cigarettes for her kids so if those assholes at the welfare office want to be like this then she’s just gonna go back to smoking Black & Milds…because Latavius Murray’s big boy 30-point performance came from nowhere.  Even though it was surprising to everyone (including Latavius Murray), you still get not only the Double B’s (if you can even find them under the sweater), but before you enter the playoffs you’re also going for some time in the “do better” chair, because you sat 11- and 12-point average receivers in order to play captain of industry Cecil Shorts “the third,” who incidentally has yet to score his second, let alone third, touchdown this season.  Are you shocked?  Because the 1-10 Jaguars are not.  Did you know they have something called “Jagsgiving?”  I didn’t check it out but I assume the title ends with “sad handjobs.”

And so ends another chapter in the MKFFL logbook.  I have been waiting around all season to make fun of you shit sipping frittata’s, so I’m only half-sorry this thing is so long.  That’s what I say to your moms, too.  TacoCorp™…AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Vandelay Industries

“If the playoffs were to start today (fill in the blank) would be in the playoffs.”  You will hear these annoying words uttered on ESPN, Fox Sports, NBC and various other “sports news” outlets until the regular season ends.  You may even hear them from our esteemed commish himself (after listening to 1 of his 8 Matthew Berry Fantasy Sit em or Start em podcasts for the day).   One team you will NOT fill in the blank with is the Limp Dixons or Calvin Johnson’s Ankle or whatever other dumb name you’ve decided on for this week.  1-10!  That’s not just bad, that’s Taco bad.  You have earned your seat in the “Do Better Chair” for the rest of the season. 

A few members of the MillerKuz FFL were playing a friendly game of poker at the awesome home of our newest member, Aleppo Faith.  In the midst of the game Fadrick mentioned a text message chain for the league.  Roger, E and Crop all laughed at what was said by other members of the league: Travis and Sam.

VI: What text chain are you talking about?

AF: The text chain for our fantasy football league, aren’t you on it?

VI: I have no clue what you’re talking about; I’m not on any text chain.

LD: You have to have an iPhone to be in it, ya f#*&$t.

RG: I don’t like looking at blue messages.  Get an iPhone and you can be on it.

At this point it all became clear.  For weeks I had thought that Roger was at Dave and Buster’s watching football on Sundays.  He listens to everything else Matthew Berry says, so I didn’t think this would be any different.  Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud9cEXeTToc.  I didn’t realize having a Droid was the equivalent of having to drink from the “colored” water fountain. 

Well now that we have seen proof of who the real minority is in this league, here is this week’s breakdown:

Stud of the Week:     

Raging Polacks.  With 162.4 points, that makes 2 out of the past 3 weeks in the league, and 260 out of the past 260 weeks in her marriage, that Laura has been the SOTW.  RP, one of the hottest teams in the league, beat up on Knuckle Junction, one of the coldest teams in the league, this week.  KJ is really in a tailspin, losing 4 straight.  You will still make the playoffs, though, with the teams below you barely surpassing your win total when you combine all of theirs.  You know things are going badly when you have Mark Sanchez on your bench and he outscores Philip Rivers, not that it would have mattered.  Well done Laura. 

Honorable Mention:

Barrister’s Balls, owned by our commissioner, Roger Good, er I mean, DJ.  A very respectable 144.7 this week beating, yours truly, Vandelay Industries.  I hate to give you any credit, but you were able to post the 2^nd highest point total this week with a 0 in your lineup.  You must have listened to Matthew Berry’s podcast on “deep leagues” and picked up CJ Anderson.  We all know you had never heard of him until Berry said to pick him up.  Just like a storm trooper with a weak mind, you listen to whatever Matthew Berry tells you.  Just do me a favor and don’t veto any masterful trades this year on Thanksgiving.  Fadrick, I’ll be in touch next Thursday around noon. 

The Willy Lowman:

Aleppo Faith.  The length and grueling nature of the MillerKuz FFL season may finally be getting to our newest member, Dr. Danny Fadi Grey.  His bench, with only 3 players playing and 4 on a bye, nearly outscored his starters this week.  Granted, he did have 4 players on a bye, but judging who those players were, he could have done worse.  There is some good news, Fadi, you are still in the playoff hunt with 5 wins and you do have 4 more wins than Cropcho.  The man who has changed his team name more times this year than he has wins.  Embarrassing. 

Bench Bomb:

There was not truly a real bench bomb this week, as no team’s highest bench scorer would have made a difference.  But in the interest of completing this section, Kenny Britt with 29.8, was left on Fadrick’s bench.  As previously stated, it would not have made a difference. 

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap of the Week:

Mike Evans of the Raging Polacks with an absurd 47.9 points!  Yes, the same Mike Evans who made Johnny Manziel the overhyped QB he was at Texas A&M. 

There it is ladies and gentlemen, Week 11 is complete.  What will the final 2 weeks of the season bring?  Unfortunately, nothing more than playoff positioning.  Sam, Crop and Taco are all mathematically eliminated and Sowerby pretty much is too.  Regardless, you all had horrible seasons.  The only thing Sam defended was his awful draft day decision to waste money to move up in the draft. 

I guess we saved the best for last – Taco, you’re up. Time for Vandelay Industries to go manufacture some latex.   

The Big Sandwich

Well, at least we weren’t picked last for dodgeball.  The Big Sandwich has been anxiously waiting to be chosen to pen the weekly newsletter as neither team owner is a stellar writer.  The fantasy week started for us on Thursday with the following conversation:

BS1: Hey, Ben Tate just got a touchdown.

BS2: Is he on our team?

BS1: Yes and I hope we played him.

Fantasy is more fun when your team actually does well.  

Since The Big Sandwich is rarely mentioned, let’s spend a few minutes on their matchup with the Limp Dixons.  Fortunately for us, Cropcho decided to play Nick Novak, who was on a bye, Antone Smith who score 0.3 points, and Zach Ertz with 2.7 points.  That 3 combined points for 3  starting players, while guys like Jared Cook and Jordan Matthews on the bench combining for 56.2 points not going toward his score.  Maybe he was positioning himself in case there was a tie and he would win the tie breaker based on more bench points.  As hard as it may seem to actually have 3 players score 3 total points, including one player with zero, the lowest scoring, player in this game actually belong to TBS.  Nick Novack actually out scored TBS's defense by 3 points as Carolina D put up -3 yes that a negative sign in front of the 3 not a dash.

Thanks to a text from DJ, we learned that Barrister’s Balls and Wicked of Lately had a "Battle Royale" that came down to the decimals with BB as victor by a mere 1.5 points.  Tough break for WOL who could’ve improved to a not-so-impressive 3-7 with a win.  Had there been a tie WOL would have won the game because they had more total points when all players were taken into account.  Wait a minute, just remember, the team that actually had more bad players won the tie breaker.  And thank goodness we went the decimal system this year so we don’t have to read through 37 emails motioning this and that and trying to understand lawyer speak (as two of the very few non-lawyers in the league, we prefer it simple and not having to rely on Google to make it through an email.)

Stud of the week - Barrister's Balls with 186.2. Way to go Deej. Surely you've been waiting all season for this accolade. 

Jimmy graham jock slap – a tight race this week with multiple players in the 40s but the award goes to Toner’s Boners thanks to Matt Lynch's 4 TDs and 140 yards posting 42.3 points

Willy Lowman – Just beating out Limp Dixons for the lowman of the week is Nolan United posting only 102.7 points.  Not a bad week for everyone if the lowest is still in triple digits.

Bench Bomb - Jordan Mathew's 36 points and Jared Cook 22.4 points share this weeks award cause it's not too often that the top two bench bombs are from the same team.  Thanks Limp for keeping our slim playoff hopes alive one more week.   

Next up,  Vandelay Industries

Aleppo Faith

In the name of Allah the most merciful, most the times, here is the newsletter from Aleppo Faith.

Fellow Fantasy Jihadists, I was recruited by David Miller to join your league two days prior to the draft, I was told I will be receiving a crash course, in 15 minutes, on the rules of the draft.  Draft went smoothly, as I just followed the app’s recommendations for players and the sign language of David Miller in picking my team.  That was my entire knowledge of what I needed to do, pick your team, sit back enjoy an old fashioned, and watch your team win.  Fucking Liar!!!!!  It turned out I have to “bench” players “trade” players, “Drop” players, and pretend I knew what I was doing in the process.   

To my surprise, I did Ok the first few games, until the Nolans in their newsletter called me out.  I started a player who was on BYE week, I never changed my logo, and I kept the name picked by DJ of “Aleppo Faith”.  That prompted me to start paying close attention to what I was doing, and it was downhill from there.  Yet even with my lack of football knowledge, I am doing better than, the Big Sandwich, Lobos Latinos, Wicked of Lately, and our worst team ever Limp Dixons.  

I have to wrap this up as I only have few minutes to finish, before the patient sitting in the room ,mouth wide open ,will start to notice the dentist is not in the room.

Stud of the week: Raging Polacks, Laura deserves this title not only for having the highest score, but for not listening or trading with DJ. Moreover, for making a kick ass chili.  At one point on Sunday, I recall Barrister’s Ball telling Raging Polacks: “  you have no chance of winning this week” .  well ,we all know who’s the boss of the Miller’s household. She proved him wrong, way to go Polacks!

The Willy Lowman:  For the entire season has been and will continue to be Limp Dixons.  Crop: “do you know what time football is?”  For those of you who don’t know, this is Crop’s exact words to me when I asked a simple question about football before. Way to go Crop, keep up the good work.  And Crop: أكل الخراء ويموت

Bench Bomb: I am going with Nolan’s United, 36 points from Dolphins,D/ST , VS 14 points from Seahawks.  Dunn Givashit thanks for your that decision.  Speaking of Nolans, we were told that we should ask you about Big Mac chance encounter in Vegas, which according to DJ is “Fucking Legendary” please share.

I am not sure if I followed the format as required, nor do I care.  But, I would like to end this letter with few quotes from a chain texts between Sam, DJ, Travis, E, Crop, and myself.  Enjoy

Sam to all “ I am not at mercy a-holes.  That being said. I’ve sent many ppl home in body bags.  If only Deej Knew. He’d be on rollin in $$$”

Crop to me “ do you know what time football usually starts Fadrick?”

Dj to Me “Fadi Bring me an old fashioned”

Sam to all “ Far Asia Vulterong the TD that hurts”  we still don’t know what he is trying to say

DJ to Sam “ Type in Farsi then”

Me to all “ Blame the mother fucking Syrian!!!”

DJ to all “ I’ll settle for a chest hair sandwich”

Travis to all “ Ellen Blessed Taco with a good fantasy team this week”

Travis to crop “ Crop I cant believe you had no player with more than 14 points. And only tow players with double digits”

Crop to Travis” you cant believe it? Is this the first time you’ve seen my team all year? They keep confusing fantasy football scores with golf scores”

DJ to all talking about Laura” she told me she wouldn’t trade with me if it were just the two of us in the league”

The Big Sandwich , you are up next

Toner's Boners

Boners here.  Going to try to alleviate the pressure from the previous newsletters.  I want to start by going back to Raging Polack’s Week 3 Newsletter:

“Speaking of, DJ asked me last night if I knew the only unbeaten team.  Let me guess . . . you, you asshole?”  

My how things have changed.  After starting the season 4-0, Matthew Berry disciple, and everybody’s least favorite Commish, DJ has now lost four straight weeks.  His matchup this week against yours truly was really a reflection of his season to date.  A quick start on Thursday night led by Manny Sanders matching his career numbers with the Steelers in one game with Peyton (This is a fact.  Don’t bother looking it up).  But just like this season and life, DJ peaked too early.  Through the 1 o’clock games, Commissioner Miller maintained a large lead with a Stud of the Week potential projected total.   Enter the 4 o’clock games and Michael Floyd’s inability to score.  You can’t win Stud of the Week when a starter gets shut out (or can you?).   Michael Floyd’s failures brought new life to my squad.  Almost as soon as the Sunday night game started, Randall Cobb had shifted the momentum completely in my favor.  I went on to cruise to a comfortable victory as Deej withered away just as his season is withering away.  Enough about our grey haired friend though.  Let’s talk about the ridiculous scoring that went on this week.

Stud of the Week: I’m pulling a Commish and making up a rule midseason.  Any team that puts up 200+ points automatically wins the Stud of the Week award.  Somehow we had two teams exceed this threshold this week.  Nolan United put up an absurd 205.3 points behind 30+ point performances from Forte, AB, Sammy Watkins, and Blake Bortles two touchdown passes to the Dolphins.  Nolan’s opponent, Knuckle Junction, put up 162.9 points, but still lost by 42.4.  That’s the definition of a bad beat.  Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.

Amazingly, 205.3 points was not the high score of the week.  That honor belongs to Vandelay Industries and his 206.4 points.  Cafaro was paced by Jeremy Maclin, the Gronk, ARodge, and 30 points from his D.  *Note to Commissioner: Defenses score way too many points in this league.  The most impressive aspect of this point total, however, would be the fact that he started Trent Richardson who did not play a snap in the Steelers beat down of the Colts.  Looking at his bench, he didn’t even have an option to play over Richardson.  That is, as long as you don’t consider spending $5 to drop Eric F’n Ebron a reasonable option.  

The Willy Lowman: Calvin Johnson’s Ankle.  Get it together Crop.  First off, stop blaming Megatron’s ankle.  Such a New Ken thing to do.  This week, Crop started two players that he drafted.  He has 5 players total still on the roster from his 2014 draft class.  That is astounding.  The Ankle’s starting lineup this week was a who’s who from a Christopher Harris article.   Some advice Crop.  Lay off the Deeper League Finds.  Half of his roster is the result of having the number 2 waiver position virtually all season long behind Taco who thinks a waiver pickup is an alternative way of picking up beef filled tortillas from Taco Bell.  

Speaking of Taco; he wins honorable mention Willy Lowman, which I believe is a victory in his book.  Congrats.  Taco rode Tom Brady to his moral victory.  Make sure you thank Amy (and Tom Brady’s smile).  

Jimmy Graham Jock Strap: Not sure if I’m breaking the rules here, but I’m going with Antonio Brown.  He didn’t put up the most fantasy points this week (Jeremy Maclin did), but he is currently the number 1 fantasy receiver in the league and 4th highest scorer overall.   Just an unbelievable talent.  If we redrafted today, two Steelers would undoubtedly go in the first round.  No excuse for why it took the Steelers offense this long to break out.  

Bench Bomb: Dunngiveashit played PEYTON MANNING (23.3 points) over Ben Roethlisberger (46 points).  What kind of decision is that?  Roethlisberger against Indy.  Indy’s D coming off that performance against Cincinnati.  How did you not see a 500 yard, 6 touchdown game coming?  You must be new to fantasy Travis.  Either way, he Dunngiveashit.  

Do Better Chair: I’m going with my lowest scorer for the week, aka, my first round pick, Marshawn Lynch.  3 consecutive single digit point totals.  Unacceptable.  Maybe it’s me who should have Done Better with my first round pick.  Still can’t believe you took Demaryius at 7 Polacks.  Interested in swapping first rounders.  I’ll throw in LaGarrette’s Blount to make it fair.

Alright.  That’s it from Boners.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  Your turn Fadi.  I have Faith.  

Travis Dunngiveshit

28.5…. With that number, Dunngiveshit was able to bring joy to the league by putting our very own Matthew Berry to bed with the career night from Le’Veon “because I got high” Bell.  Usually my Monday blows worse than Cropcho’s fantasy squad, but this Monday was different.  This Monday brought with it a meaningful contribution in the form of a 4.8 point victory and the continued downward slide of the Saggy Balls.  Although I was unable to watch any games this Sunday I missed none of the action.  Throughout my day I received play-by-play from our very own Bob Ueker.  

The following are a few of my favorite excerpts I received as I handed our fearless leader his 3^rd straight loss of the season.  Sunday 1:13 p.m. “you’ve been Jordied.”  Sunday 2:09 p.m. “Bernard is out…Just died.”  9:54 p.m. “.7 away. Fuck it I’m going to bed. Blow me.”  Tuesday 8:12 a.m. “choke on your breakfast.”  Ball Coozy, maybe you should stick to play dates on Sunday because your fantasy play has been less then desirable as of late.  Almost forgot, thanks for keeping Odell Beckham on the bench this weekend.  That really worked out well for both of us. 

Stud of the Week: Them Raging Polacks with a solid 155.5 to defeat the Boner himself, Anthony Pavlik.  Solid performances by DT, Amish Andy and the vaunted Colts D allowed the Polacks to cruise to a 34 point victory.  Realistically, the Raging Polacks should receive stud of the week every week for putting up with the comish on a daily basis. Bravo, Laura.  I’m hoping you rubbed in your win while DJ wept into his pillow Monday night as Le’Veon “if you smoke like I smoke then you high like every day” Bell shit on his hopes for a week 7 victory.  Good week overall.

Honorable Mention: The Nolans keep on rolling as they stole a victory from James the Chest Cafaro with an impressive showing by AB.  Too bad your beloved 49ers aren’t as dominant in the NFL as you have been in MillerKuz FFL this year.  Although it brings me great joy to continually rub in my victory over Barry J. Balls, I Dunngiveashit to discuss my own point total.  The Polacks still would have rolled everyone by almost 30 points.  Moving on…

Will I.M. Lowman:  The man, the myth, the Meximelt.  I was surprised you didn’t get yourself some taco bell during your 15 minutes of fame.  Taco gets a pass on the measly 77.1 points he put up this week as he was scoring some serious Ellen Swag.  Congrats, glad something good came out of all the bad luck.  One request now that you’re a local celebrity, don’t forget about us little people in your fantasy league. 

Honorable Mention: Sandwich.  For the second week in a row the Big Sandwich received the second lowest point total.  Due to the fact that I play you this upcoming week, my fingers are crossed that you keep up the great work.  Cropcho’s ankle also gets a shout out in the honorable mention column.  Solid squad you drafted…. Keep on racking up those points.

Bench Bomb: Nolans left Sammy Watkins (34.2 points) and Aleppo Faith made the decision to keep both Stafford (22.1 points) and Chris Ivory (23.5 points) on the bench.  All were major bench bombs, but since both were still victorious I cannot consider them a true bench bomb.  Therefore, the honor goes to the suck pump himself, Ahmad Bradshaw.  Had the Sandwich went against the advice of Balls and started the suck pump he would have stolen a victory from the OG himself, Knuckle Junction.  Instead he went with the Brown Bomber who managed a staggering 4.4 points.  Maybe you need some time in the Do Better Chair to reconsider your fantasy decisions. 

Now that I have completed my newsletter I am going back to yawning my way through.  E, I don’t know how you did this every week for several seasons.  Very impressive, so props on that.  Crop, I haven’t included enough about you.  Suck one…that is all. 

Boner, you’re up next.  Hope you can rise to the occasion. 

Since I am writing this on Tuesday night I will leave you all with words of wisdom from Mr. Truck Nuts, “Fuck it, I’m going to bed.  Blow me.”

Dunngiveashit out.  

Balls

Week 6 Newsletter

Barrister’s Balls

Dateline – McCandless, PA, 10/12/14 - After spending the first two hours of my Sunday morning in what I can only describe as one of the circles of Hell (Picture People, Ross Park Mall), it was just about time to partake in my Sunday ritual, i.e., planting myself in front of my television for [almost] as long as it takes to develop blood clots in my legs.  But alas, the NFL RedZone this past Sunday was as useless as Cropcho’s pecker in high school.  You see, instead of ascending to the familiar heavenly environs of my Fantasy Football Nirvana, Laura had instead arranged a play-date even farther north of McCandless (Ontario?), in some place that I can only describe as one of the deeper circles of Hell:  Cranberry…  at a house with antenna cable...  and get this, standard definition picture.  For reals.  I’m as shocked as you are that human beings actually voluntarily subject themselves to standard definition.  Utterly unacceptable. 

Anyway, yes, Marlo and Estella allegedly had a wonderful time with the two young peers they were there to see, and Laura tells me she was even mildly entertained by the woman she was paired with for the afternoon.  I can’t imagine that said woman’s husband was psyched to try and make small-talk with a guy buried in his phone crushing the refresh button.  He, at one point, told me he’s a fantasy football “fanatic” as well – a claim that I quickly dismissed and even admonished him for uttering based on the vague forms of grown men moving around on his television screen. 

No self-respecting fantasy footballer would have put me through what I experienced from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm this past weekend.  It’s a place I’ll never return to, and wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy (Eric).  Therefore, for the rest of the season I cordially invite all of you (even Eric) to drop by and pull up a couch cushion in fantasy football Utopia, with literally nothing but football, slow-cooked meals, fancy-cut hot dogs, and certainly no shortage of vitriol.

Without further ado, here are this week’s acknowledgements:

Stud of the Week: Travis. Some of you are probably thinking, “Who? You mean Travis, that kid who is constantly reminding us all what a joy he is to have in our league on account of his constant participation and meaningful contributions?  You sure you don’t mean Pavlik?”  No, no, I mean the Travis that kid whom you all forgot was even in this league until 7 seconds ago (15 seconds for our “English as a Second Language Contingent”). Dunn Givashit, who seemingly embodies his very own moniker, yawned his way to 181+ points this week, fueled by not only the white hot waiver added Eagles D, but also this week’s Jimmy Graham Jock Slap of the Week, Thank You Hilton, which I can only assume is what TY stands for.  The heir-apparent to the massive hotel fortune had many catches for many yards and a TD to account for over 20% of DG’s points, much to the chagrin of the Raging Polacks who were soundly defeated as a consequence of Tomahawk Yoyo bandying his peen all over Thursday Night Football (Author’s Note:  I’m sick of being force fed football on Thursday, and I will continue my protest by watching each and every Thursday night game).  It feels a bit odd presenting an accomplishment to Travis wherein my wife gets crotch-slapped by someone other than me, but she has her own Half-Sloth-Half-Amish-Manchild QB to thank for Tool Yanker's monster week, so she's actually partly to blame. And if there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the NFL this year, it's definitely “blame the victim.”

Honorable Mention:  Lobos Latinos (136.2 - WHAT!), Nolan United (136.1) and Raging Polacks (136).  Caleb’s off the schnide with an impressive week.  Nolan keeps rollin’ and the Polacks, although up against a buzzsaw (what goes around comes around) still slated an impressive 136 points.  The fact that we had these three teams separated by .2 points could have made for some high drama had the matchups been slightly different. Never in our league’s history have three teams been so close in points.  (This may or may not be true, I literally just typed it after having done no fact-checking).  Caleb could be poised for a big run here, and will no doubt use his upcoming appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show as a springboard to fantasy football dominance relevance.  Also, that last sentence is not a typo.  Apparently having a string of bad luck coupled with a brief stint as a Mexican government refugee is newsworthy.  Hope you get some free shit, man.  Say hi to Portia for me.

The Willy Lowman:  The fantasy Gods doth have a sense of humor as I am forced to acknowledge myself as the low-scorer of the week.  Although, it was the highest point total in our league’s history to ever have been the Lowman.  (Again, no fact-checking, just assuming/hoping/willing that to be true).  Last week's Stud of the Week got to pen the newsletter so I suppose it’s only fitting that the Lowman writes it this week. As I disclosed to a few of you on Monday night, my fate as the Lowman was sealed on Sunday morning at 12:23 pm (in Picture People, no less, surrounded by demons and incubi) when I switched Floyd (14.7 pts) for Asiata (2.5 pts) from my mobile phone.  The move cost me the game against a pedestrian and very beatable Knuckle Junction.  I was so disgusted at one point that I actually tried to concede my game to E, like a real bitch, at 3:46 pm.  He really tried to let me, even asking for it in writing, which I refused. 

The aforementioned Floyd takes home the Bench Bomb honors as starting him would have propelled me to victory and left the Big Sandwich as the Lowman, with E a VERY close second.  Matt Asiata, aka Fat Asia, rounds out the dreaded sweep for the Balls by landing himself in the Do Better Chair after 2 carries for -5 yards and one catch for 18 yards.  Have yourself a day, son.  The butterfly effect of that one move is such that one lineup move sweeps for me a whole host of shitty awards, instead of chalking up another win. Instead E squeaks out the win, and oh, Eli gets an honorable mention for being the worst human ever. Goddamn mouth-breathing dickhead.

Honorable Mention:  The Big Sandwich comes in second to last with 117.3 points, no thanks to Welker’s one catch and Garret Graham’s O-for.  His other Graham TE, Jimmy, was on a bye and scored the same amount.  Oh, and be tee dubs, J. Graham is dead for a few weeks, so by all means don’t spend five dollars on a decent TE replacement and keep rolling out GG.  Thanks for playing.

Miscellany:

I’ve mentioned that Taco’s off the schnide, but haven’t discussed the absolute perfect fashion in which it happened.  Monday night, Crop had Kaepernick going against Be Quick and Niners D (excellent possible band/team name), and needed stars to align to pull off a comeback from a heavy deficit.  Kaepernick improbably had himself a night and he pulled to within two points of Caleb as the fourth quarter drew to a close.  All he needed was one more TD pass from Kap, or any Ram other than Quick to score.  What happened in the final minutes was really what I enjoy most about fantasy football:  other people’s misfortune and semi-public shortcomings.  As Vernon Davis squared off to collect a sure Kaepernick TD and the win for Crop, another San Fran player made sure that Crop would absolutely not win and ran right into Davis causing neither to catch the ball.  Cue the FG unit.  Two points short.  The Rams then have a chance to score on the next drive.  A TD would have won it for Crop.  Instead the Rams receiver (not Be Quick) runs away from the ball as if it were loaded with arsenic.  Cue the FG unit.  Two points short.  SF goes three and out, STL gets the ball back, and Crop’s in business.  Austin Davis drops back, finds an open man and it’s a TD!  Pick-six the other way for Caleb’s D/ST to put the nail in the coffin and move him to 1-5.  Also, Crop becomes the first annual recipient of the Tacotastic Trophy – the team that succumbs to Taco first each year supplies a party box of tacos at the wrap party.  Congrats Crop!

Monday night wasn’t all doom and gloom as Vandelay pulled off an impressive comeback thanks to Antoine Baldwin’s big night.  I’d write more about it here, but I just can’t care anymore about at this point, and frankly, neither do any of you.

And there you have it, Week 6 is in the books.  Despite some of your records, this is still anyone’s league.  Yes Fadi, despite the horrendous trade you made, you still have a shot.  (Doom on you Sam for ass-handling a rookie.  For shame).  I look forward to seeing you all in my happy place on a Sunday soon, where you may all soon revel in high definition, commercial free fantasy football viewing, and watching me be forever plagued by my perpetually worse over-tinkering.  To Laura’s buddy up in Cranberry:  DO BETTER!

Travis Dunn, I’m hoping that you too can do better next week for your turn on the keyboard.  Balls out.

Wicked of Lately

1. Wheeling and Dealing

This week saw more trades in one week that some previous season and no doubt more than any week in prior MillerKuz seasons.

1. Barrister’s Ball & Taco – swap 1st round pics. The Ball’s give up hope on McCoy and move him over to Taco Corp for Jamal Charles coming off a huge week. Despite some objections and allegations of trade rape it goes through and triggers a flurry of activity.  I guess it’s not sexual assault if you’re the commish – too soon?
2. Knuckle Junction & Vandalay – Phillip Rivers and Gates for Cam Newton and Kniles Davis. KJ makes out like a bandit getting 44 points from his new found wealth to take the win against Dunn Giveashit
3. Croppy (I honestly don’t know what team name to refer to his as, since it changes every 6 hours) offers Toby Gerhart for Roy Helu – immediately rejected.
4. Wicked of Lately & Croppy – Roddy White switches 0-4 teams as Croppy takes a gamble on McKinnon as the next great Vikings RB.
5. Wicked of Lately & Aleppo Faith – Greg Olson & Reggie Wayne for Julius Thomas and Randel. After harassing The Big Sandwich with multiple Jimmy Graham trade offers WoL moves on to Julius Thomas (dodged a bullet there) and a TE swap which benefitted both teams as Olsen had his revenge game against the Bears catching two TD and putting up a solid 25 points.  Despite another round of allegations of trade rape I would like to point out that Wayne and Olsen were Aleppo’s two highest scorers (yes this article is biased, deal with it)

2. Name 3 White RB other not named Mike Alstott…

I’ll admit I couldn’t do it.

Below is a list of players that RAN for more yards than Toby Gerhart this week:

Andre Luck, Jay Cutler, Mathew Stafford, Ausin Davis, Nick Foles, Jake Locker, Christian Ponder, Tom Brady, Russel Wilson and almost every RB in the league

For those of you still trying to think of other white RBs:

Peyton Hillis

Danny Woodhead

That’s all I got; which is why I feel that we need a Gerhart rule: no monetary penalty for dropping a white RB if they fail to run for 10 yards in a game.

3. And now for the awards…

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap award: Demaryius Thomas with 50.6. In the battle of the Miller’s, Laura rode Demaryius and Andre Ellington to over 130 points in just the 4pm games to own the biggest margin of victory with 54.5 points. This scenario is made even more perfect by Laura’s apathy to the ass whooping she was laying down.

Willy low man of the week: Calvin Johnson Ankle. Please refer to Section II: White RBs for more details.

4. Always start your studs – don’t get cute about it.

Barrister’s Balls: Tony Romo benched for Eli Manning, point differential: 7

Aleppo: Golden Tate benched for Eric Decker – a move that was applauded by half of Wicked of Lately, alas it lead to a point differential of 27.4

Taco: Gostowski benched for Robbie Gould (if only Amy knew you benched Gostowski) and Desean Jackson benched for Greg Jenning: point differential: 32 – which would’ve netted the easy win and thus giving you the Bench bomb Award. This matchup was quite stressful for the Nolan’s no doubt as up until the 3rd quarter of the Monday night game there was less than a 2 point differential.  Luckily AlMo shat the bed and despite 3 Percy Harvin TDs being called back Russel Wilson (who I must admit is quite an attractive man) took off for 35 points and gave the Nolan’s a comfortable win. Congratulations Nolan’s for not being the first team to lose to Taco. Stay tuned next week when Megatron’s gimpy ankle tries to avoid this dubious distinction.

Dunn: Peyton Manning benched for Big Ben.  Seriously?  He was the 3rd overall pick. That’s almost more stupid than paying money to move up 6 picks and not drafting Marshawn Lynch. Point Differential: 23 – would not have changed the outcome of the game but would’ve made Eric lose a little more hair. For benching Peyton Manning you have the dubious honor of the Do better award this week

5. Fun Fact of the week

Aleppo Faith’s team image is still of Big Mac Attack. Is this a tribute to his predecessor, love of the Big Mac or simple laziness, please discuss.

6. Text of the Week

DJ Miller after a Jordy Nelson 66 yr TD: “I can’t get my lips around his Dong fast enough”

On that note the Pakraftars nominate the Ball’s for next week.