Watch Where You Put That Stroller, Buddy

For once in my life, I was actually just minding my own business.

This past Sunday, I suffered a fate worse than watching a benched Jamal Charles go for 29 points.  I was Christmas shopping at Ross Park Mall.  Quite possibly the worst thing you can do on a Sunday, but seeing as I've been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs since about Halloween, I figured I better buy some things.

I was casually perusing the atrocious Christmas sweater collection that J. Crew passes off as fashionably acceptable while my brother bought his girlfriend a gift card. The next thing I know there is a baby stroller (with a baby in it) coming right at my shins. I stepped to my left without looking up and the stroller swerved into my path again. Then again to the right. I eventually looked up at the stroller's driver to find my fantasy football arch nemesis, Doug "That's Not My Real Name" Nolan. The Nolans, also not in the playoffs, thought Sunday a good day to get Rory's picture taken with Santa.

This Week's Reason Why Our Fantasy League Is Better Than Most: The best part of this chance encounter, other than the pleasure of the Nolan's company for about 4.5 minutes, was Doug recounting last Sunday's fantasy stare-down.  I've been bad this year. It's well documented. But I'll be damned if I didn't lock up the first overall pick for next year's draft. The Nolans have been bad this year too are always bad.

Up until last week, they had a chance to take next year's first overall pick. So, the final minutes leading up to the first kickoff at 1 pm last Sunday, Nolan United stood at the ready making sure I didn't purposefully tank the match up and secure the first pick. Ethical assumption aside, this pleased me greatly.  They were ready to go into full-blown suck mode if I was willing to do the same for the first pick.  A team that has been out of playoff contention for months was still sitting at their computer in the final minutes leading up to kickoff to make sure they did everything they could to be the worst team on a given Sunday. Little do they know, KJ does not lay down, we're simply terrible. I lost by 2 points - big shout out to Mike Nugent for being hurt - and secured the first pick.

That match up didn't matter, but don't tell the Nolans, they were committed to being terrible if that's what needed to be done.  That kind of dedication cannot be found in just any office/family/college friend/internet strangers league. But then again we spent the better part of November posting pictures of heinous facial hair to Facebook. So we're not exactly "just any league."

Only two match ups this week mattered.  This is your newsletter for the playoff semi-finals.

Stud of the Week: This is easily the worst part of my week - having to acknowledge that the Barrister's Balls scored the most points this week. The machine Minnesota scientists have created to mimic Adrian Peterson's human emotion, but physically destroy anything in it's path on its way to the end zone led the way in scoring yet again. Thirty five points and another 80+ yard TD is just obscene. The Robot Formerly Known As Adrian Peterson is only 249 yards (took a guess, can't be sure) away from shredding the NFL record for yards in a season. Seemingly unrelated: he shredded his ACL/MCL less than a year ago. The Seattle Defense also posted another big week. While 29 is not 54, it's still a solid showing from a defense that just refuses to be average. Unfortunately for everyone, there were no comically horrendous line up decisions this week, but, there is still hope: Ray Rice and Jamal Charles combined for 5 points. Here's hoping Ray Rice touches the ball 4 times (estimated) again next week and the Chief's offensive line continues to be terrible. Both likely. DJ, you did it. You scored the most points. I hope you're as embarrassingly giddy as I imagine you are. (P.S. DJ, your team logo is terrible.)

Honorable Mention: We have a tie. Both Dunngivashit and Whore Hands scored a second-best 111 points. Fortunately for everyone, I don't have time to write about both teams, so I'll pick one. Whore Hands hasn't paid attention to this league since I talked him in to trading me Matt Forte for Steven Jackson's corpse, so he loses. Dunngivashit it is. Travis scored enough points to beat everyone except for DJ. That's got to sting. Martin, Morris and Miller combined for 37 points. Green and Hernandez combined for 26. Once again, Dunn got the better of the blockbuster trade between he and the Balls. Heywerd-Bay posted a goose egg though, and at this point in the season that is just unacceptable and generally from DHB, expected. A great little end-of-year run from Dunn, there's no shame in losing in the semi-finals. There also isn't a great draft pick in it either.

Willy Lowman of the Week: No stranger to this portion of the newsletter, Taco Corp (TM) d/b/a the Mexican Baby Coalition put up 62 points this week. For perspective, the Seattle Defense scored 54 points on its own last week. Also, MBC's bench scored 57 this week. Rodgers, Turner and the Bears D/ST combined to score 45 points for MBC, or 72.5% of his total point output for the week. Fun with math.

In the third year of this league's existence, some change is inevitable. We will have a new champion - either Wicked of Lately or the Barrister's Balls - but it's nice to know that some things, like Taco's performance year-to-year, never change. Every league needs a Taco. And tacos. Seriously, make sure you bring some tacos to the year-end banquet.

Honorable Mention: Oh how the mighty have fallen. Coxwain went from playoff contender one week, to the bad end of the newsletter the next. Glad you could join us. There are a lot of things I don't know like, who shot JFK, why Casey Hampton's face doesn't fit into a football helmet and the definition of half the words I use on a daily basis. But there is one thing I know for certain: if Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis is your leading scorer in a given week, you did not have a good week. Further, Nicks, White, Myers and the Browns D/ST combined for seven points. Hey, Roscoe, you don't play so good.

The Other Game That Mattered: Sam and Amy's (WL) 95 bested a putrid 88 from Jimmy (VI). I can't continue to write the same jokes, so I'll merely point out that in a game Jimmy had to win he started two Steelers - Dwyer and Sanders. You can't make this stuff up. Additionally, the Giants got shut out, which isn't good for their tight end and especially their kicker, so Bennett and Tynes only scored a point between them. Good start. WL, on the other hand got great production from Manning, Foster, Jones and the Bronco's D/ST. Denario Alexander scored 20 points last week, earning him a start, but this week, he couldn't catch a cold. It's also worth pointing out that the team with the first pick (Arian Foster) is playing in the league's final in the same year. So, next year is my year.

Blair Walsh Reads This Newsletter Too: I would like to start by apologizing to both the Raging Pollacks and Blair Walsh for my ridiculing RP for starting Walsh and implying that Walsh was terrible. Clearly, he read my comments and said "Fuck that kid, he doesn't know shit, I'll just go out this Sunday and score in the top 10 in fantasy points for the week and he'll feel dumb." And that's exactly what he did. Not only was he RP's leading scorer he was tied for 9th overall in points for Week 15. I felt so badly about this that I actually looked that up after DJ informed me that he scored a lot of points this week.

Funnier Than Anything I Could Ever Write: Mark Sanchez's Monday Night Football performance. God, is he terrible.

Good luck to both Wicked of Lately and the Barrister's Balls. Of course, I don't mean a word of that. I'm cheering for the Internet to uncontrollably collapse so that we can never know who wins.

Until the next Newsletter, or a random encounter in the sweater section of the J. Crew at the Ross Park Mall (which ever comes first), take care.

Don't Call It A Comeback

This is the year of the comeback.

Adrian Peterson shredded his ACL less than a year ago and he's still running through grown men like they're the JV cheerleading squad at a local high school.  Peyton Manning had his neck cut open and rearranged at least three separate times.  The details elude me (perhaps Dr. Sam can elaborate), but I'd imagine that neither of those medical scenarios are conducive to a career in professional athletics.  Nevertheless, Peterson  fell to the third round where the Ball's gobbled him up and Manning got picked by Sam and Amy after his mouth-breathing little brother in the fourth round (How'd that work out for you, Nolans?)  

I didn't need a comeback to claim the league's worst mustache.  In fact, I might have been the favorite from the very beginning.  My terrible roster isn't coming back from anything ever.  

So, the only way I could get in on the comebacks is to bring back the infamous MillerKuz FFL Newsletter.  Don't call it a comeback, cause we ain't never left.  Actually, we did.  For a long time.  But stop complaining.  We're here.  Just in time for the holidays and to publicly ridicule all these teams which may or may not be statistically better than mine. 

The first week of the playoffs are in the books and one thing is for certain - The Big Sandwich will not repeat as champions.  Decimated by injuries, the oft-hated, lucky week-to-week winners do not advance past the first round of the playoffs for the first time in this young league's history.  Maybe next year Declan will have more of a draft-day input than those ghastly draft sheets.  But what do I know, I drafted Reggie Bush.

Stud of the Week:  Travis Dunngivashit about Roscoe Coxwain.  Travis put up a jaw-dropping 161 points this week.  That might be the largest playoff total in this league's history.  It might not be either.  I'm not taking the time to look that up.  Get off of me.  Regardless, that's a lot of points.  (S)Cam Newton played up to his first-round potential this week.  (And quietly has all season - 23.3 pts/week). Cam shit all over the Dirty Birds to the tune of 47 fantasy points. Darius Heyward-Bey posted 20 points this week with the help of a garbage time Carson Palmer TD pass.  Proving again that he got the better of the blockbuster deal with the Balls, Dunn's Morris and Martin put up a combined 37 points.  So many points.  Coxwain accepted defeat at least three separate times.  When Myers put up a bagel and DHB put up a 20 spot on Thursday, he seemed to have already accepted his defeat.  Then, on Sunday, the Cleveland Defense gave him some false hope as all Cleveland-related sports franchises will tend to do.  Then he again accepted defeat.  Let's face it, when your opponent hangs 161, there's really nothing you can do but sit there and watch it happen.

Honorable Mention:  The Barrister's Balls.  He of clever alliterative names had one heck of an emotional fantasy football rollercoaster ride. At 12:30pm on Sunday I got a text asking me whom he should start, Brown or Charles.  I arrived at his house moments later and told him it didn't matter whom he started, the other would go bonkers.  At approximately 1:02 pm, Charles, whom he decided to bench, ran 80 yards on the opening play of the game for a TD.  At 1:12 pm, I stopped crying from laughter.  Bryce Brown went on to score as many points as the concussed LeSean McCoy.  Charles finished the day with 29 points.  The comedy is past anything I could possibly articulate.  Sitting in someone's home who has just botched a line-up decision that badly, is like being invited over to watch someone be water-boarded in their own living room.  He was in physical agony most of the day, and it was utterly hilarious.  This week, however, that line-up decision didn't matter.  The Seattle Defense is simply all that mattered.  The Sea D scored almost as many points (54) as their actual team did against the horrific Cardinals (58).  I'm sure the other side of the match-up, Whore Hands, had a similar, albeit it inverse, emotional journey this Sunday.  That is, of course, if he was even watching or paying attention.  Earth to Ryan, the playoffs have started and you lost.  Thanks for playing. 

The Willy Lowman of the Week:  The Raging Pollacks did a lot less raging and a lot more sleeping this week.  RP dropped a cool Mario Lemieux (66).  Just a hockey reference, James, it's still locked out.  Tom Brady pooped all over the Texans on national television on Monday night to the tune of -1 D/ST points for the overrated Texans.  RP can take solace in the fact that she couldn't have done much better.  Her bench only scored 29 points, and four bench players scored as many as Bryce Brown.  She had the lowest total points and the lowest bench total as well.  (The highest? Balls - 103 bench points).  RP can also take solace in the fact that she hates fantasy football and couldn't care less. 

Honorable Mention:  In a match up that literally no one was following or probably even noticed, including the two owners, Big Mack Attack went Jagr on the league.  Sixty-eight points isn't good, but then again, it came in a game outside of the playoffs.  Also, Taco, if somehow you're still reading this, you won a consolation game this week.  Oh, and congrats on not making the playoffs.  Again.  Thank you for proving that total apathy can finish above me in the standings. 

Picture of the Week:  This comes courtesy of James Cafaro.  This is the picture that sums up his week.  A picture truly is worth a thousand words. 

Get it?  George is Vandelay and he's about to eat a (Big) Sandwich.  Cause Jim beat The Big Sandwich. 

Why The Hell Are They Playing For Your Team:  Brandon Weeden (start the fire) actually started a playoff game in a one-quarterback 12-team fantasy league.  How does that even happen.  Marcel Reese and some dude named Blair Walsh started for the Raging Pollacks.  Blair Walsh could easily be a cheerleader's name.  Unrelated, Knowshon Moreno has been in my starting line up for the last two weeks. 

2013 Champions:  I'm not certain, but I'm decently sure that I've wrapped up the Number 1 pick for next year's draft.  I am now accepting any and all trade offers for that Number 1 spot.  Deals involving cash, multiple later-round picks and players to be named later, are all welcome.  I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round.  I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round.  I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round.