Knuckle Junction - Week 13

We simply wouldn't be gearing up for the first week of the MillerKuz FFL playoffs if Knuckle Junction wasn't writing another newsletter riding a 4-week losing streak.

But before we get into the playoff match ups, let's recap the week that was. 

The Tale of Two Jimmys

No surprise here, but Jimmy - he of TBS fame - Big Benned his way to another Stud of the Week crown. Another impressive total of 187.2 points and even more impressive is that his bench scored 92.5 points as well. Big Ben and The Antonio Brown Show combined for 70.3 points. Special shout outs to the Indianapolis Colts who forgot that they played a competitive football game Sunday night downtown. As always, this league is TBS' world and we're all just living in it. As a wise man once said (today, via text) "They're playing for second though." He wasn't talking about TBS, but then again, maybe he was. TBS is this league's Jordan Smith. We're all just playing for second.

We're all playing for second. That's true. Unless your Jimmy (aka Jamblow) - he of VI infamy. 

Dear Jamblow,

Your team is so bad I can't even make a joke about it. Your starters BARELY edged out TBS' bench. Congrats on another Willy Lowman title. Out of 13 weeks, your team scored less than 100 points 5 times. That is not good. Maybe next year you'll draft a real team wearing a jersey that spells your team's name correctly.

Sincerely,

Knuckle Junction

Your names might both be Jimmy but you are worlds 528.4 points apart. 

Beer Muscles - Nolan United

The Nolans probably feel real good about themselves right about now. They finished one spot ahead of their arch-nemesis (KJ) and haven't lost a match up in 6 weeks. So, it's a good thing I'm here. 

Out of the 8 playoff teams, the Nolans have tallied the second fewest points (DG). Out of the 12 teams in this league, only one team (RP) had fewer points scored against their squad. You made the playoffs, congrats. But even I feel strong after a couple of drinks.

(Permanent Do Better Chair - Raging Pollacks. Your team was scored on less than any other team this year. By a wide margin (49.1 points). Given this, there is simply no excuse that makes it acceptable for your squad to miss the playoffs in this league. Do better.

Those two things together sound a whole lot like luck. It's true that it's better to be lucky than good. But then again, its better to be lucky AND good. Let's ask Fadi - he's scored the 4th most points in this league and only 3 teams have been scored upon less. Yes, Fadi. You're lucky and good-ish. Congrats. I hope you're ready for a first round exit. 

All this to say that Nolan will be enjoying an early playoff exit if reality decides to crash the bracket this year. But I guess every bracket needs a Cinderella. Consider this your annual reminder that The University of Dayton Flyers were in the Elite 8 two tournaments ago. 

Boned Toner

Only 4 teams have scored more points than Toner's Boner's this year, and, yet, TB finds himself on the outside looking in of this year's playoffs. Talk about a bitter pill to swallow. 

Further, only two teams had the misfortune of seeing more points scored against them (KJ and VI). Thus proving my theory that people always have their best weeks against yours truly. The world hates me. But, back to TB, his luck has been the exact opposite of the Nolan's this year. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. Here's hoping you score the fourth-most points next year and still miss the playoffs. 

So the match ups are as follows:

TBS v. Dunn

Fadi v. Knuckle

Dix v. Nolan

Taco v. Balls

Also, I have been advised to invite anyone who may care to have fun this Sunday to come to Fadi's house with other league members to enjoy some pizza, wings and hopefully soul-crushing victories and losses. I promise Fadi invited all of you. I advised against it, but it is his house after all. So, come. Fadi also informs us that he does, in fact, get the football channels. 

The highest scorer of playoff teams will write the newsletter next week. Here's hoping KJ pens his third newsletter next week. 

Vandelay Industries - Week 12

Is this miserable season over yet?

This is the 5^th year of this league.  And every year up until this point you could count on a few things:

-Vandelay Industries would make the playoffs (I need 1 positive thing said about me in a blog)

-Taco would finish dead last

-Crop would make more penis references than his total points scored

-Despite his preseason claims, DJ would still be overly obsessed with fantasy football and make Laura ponder, would I be here right now if this league was in existence before we got married?

-And many others

However….this year is an anomaly, an outlier, something we may never see again.  I know there is still one week left, but this season has been over for me since week 3.  Despite my horrendous season, this is the tightest playoff race we’ve had to date.  10 teams are still alive and it will all come down to this final week.  Will Taco finally make the playoffs?  In 5 years I think he’s been to 1 draft; and in that draft he selected Hines Ward with his 2^nd round pick.  Maybe he’s finally discovered the secret, have Amy pick your team based on smiles.  Whatever works, viva los playoffs.   Will Laura, who cares as much about this league as Crop does about being politically correct, sneak into one of the final spots?  Will Dunn, who scored a whopping 65 points this week, squeak in?  Seriously, how are you 6-6?  So many questions, so many intriguing story lines and I couldn’t care less.  I’m focused on next season.

Onto the awards:

Stud of the Week:  The Balls, dropping 177.1 this week.  This win put the Balls to an even 6-6 on the season and into the 5^th spot.  That’s 3 in a row for the commish who dropped KJ to 6-6.  Even with CJ “Garbage Man” Anderson with 32.3 on your bench, you still managed to be the stud of the week.  Spencer Ware dropping 21.5?  You must have listened to 5 Matthew Berry podcasts instead of the usual 4.  Well done.  

Honorable mention: Myself, Vandelay Industries.  Yes, I’m giving myself honorable mention for Stud of the Week.  This was by far my best week of the season.  Matthew Stafford finally decided to throw the ball to Megatron and look what happened, points on the scoreboard and points in fantasy.  The saying is better late than never, except for in this case.  The only thing I can take away from this week is beating TBS.  It’s always enjoyable to beat the Sandwich, especially when he’s the best team in the league.  This is easily the only positive thing to happen to VI this season, but it wasn’t even that enjoyable.  It was rubbing salt in the wound, as it doesn’t matter.  No playoffs for the first time in the league’s existence.

Willy Lowman of the Week/Do Better Chair/Bench Bomb:  Dunn Givashit.  What the hell happened to your team this week? Were you in a tryptophan coma when you set your lineup?  Did you not realize you’re still in playoff contention?  Did you summon your inner Taco from years past? Your bench destroyed your starting lineup.  You left Sammy Watkins (34.8), Markus Wheaton (43.1) and Eddie Lacy (23.9) on your bench.  That’s freaking 101.8 points, from 3 players….ON YOUR BENCH!  But I guess that a 56 year old Frank Gore and James Jones were worthy of the start this week.  This is the stretch run.  You need to be at your best, not act like the Cleveland Browns.  Step your game up, bro.  65 TOTAL points, that is worse than Taco always picking the wrong kicker.  DO BETTER!

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:  Russell Wilson with 37.7 points from the Raging Polacks.  Although she has barely been better than me this season, she’s in playoff contention and she probably pays less attention than Taco.  Although, to be fair, she is a single mother raising 2 small children.  I know technically she is married to DJ, but she may as well be single during football season.  Between his obsession with fantasy football and his new found hobby of swimming, DJ is around less than Jarrod Hayne receives playing time.  Great draft pick, by the way, Nolans.

The Jock Slap would have been Markus Wheaton, but he was on Dunn’s bench (see above). 

  

That’s it.  I’m done with this season.  I should have know it was going to be bad when I thought it was going to be great to show up to the draft with a Vandelay Industries jersey, only to have it say Vandealy Industries on it.  It’s really awesome when Jamaal Charles falls into your lap in the 6^th spot and you draft Knile Davis as insurance.  Only to have Davis steal a couple of touchdowns early in the season to fall to 7^th string after Charles gets injured. 

I’m currently watching the SNL Christmas Special and Robert Goulet’s Holiday Special just came on.  I not only laughed when Will Ferrell sang, but laughed even harder thinking of Taco telling his story of singing Goulet during a seminar at UPMC, which included people making far more money than any of us combined (except for Fadrick). E, you’re up next to bring us home.  Looks like I’m on the clock for next season.  Good luck in the playoffs.