Week 8 - All Saints Day includes Tebow

This early edition of the Newsletter is courtesy of All Saints Day.  It's a mysterious holy day of obligation which really is just a fancy way to say Catholic schools aren't open for business. 

The real mystery, however, is how the New Orleans Saints could lay such an egg so close to their holiday.  The Rams, really?  The Rams led by A.J. Feeley?  I mean, come on.  That's the opposite of "jock-slapping," Jimmy Graham.  That's just embarrassing.  Almost as embarrassing as losing to the Nolans because you picked the wrong D/ST.  Right, Travis?  Switch those defenses and you win by one.  That's brutal.  Brutal and hilarious.

As for the rest of the news around the league in Week 8...

Stud of the Week - In the immortal words of Terrel Owens, "I love me some me."  Knuckle Junction rules all that the eye can see.  Okay, maybe that's Mufasa and Simba.  But at the very least, KJ ruled Week 8.  The startling 160 is a new season high for the league.  (Note:  The highest total in MillerKuz League history was the 178 posted by Wicked of Lately last season.)  The 160 to The Big Sandwich's 70 also swings the season total points race in KJ's favor.  Eight weeks, 962 points.

Four players posted totals of 20 or greater and the Lions D/ST put up 46 points, which is the highest single total for any player not named Aaron Rodgers or Arian Foster this year.  The real genius this week was starting Tim Tebow for a second consecutive week.  If you hadn't noticed, KJ has some QB issues.  Taking a chance on Tebow paid off in a big way.  Not only did he record 15 points of his own, but he also is responsible for almost every single point the Lions D/ST managed to get.  He was sacked 7 times.  He fumbled twice.  One was returned for a TD.  He threw an interception.  It was returned 100 yards for a TD.  How many other QB's can contribute 61 points to a team in a single week?  None QB's.  I guess it is true; Tim Tebow was sent by God to save us all. 

Honorable Mention - Anyone still want to hate on The Hump?  Eight weeks in and he has only lost twice.  He recorded 128 points this week.  He even managed to sit Greg Little.  He is also humping his way up the total points for column of the standings.  He's currently in fifth place, 30 points behind Whore Hands.  Watch out Ryan, your Hands are about to get Humped. 

The Willy Lowman of the Week - Honestly, I think I've run out of ways to discuss William Wallace.  WW is the Lowman of the Week every week.  Unless, of course, you count that one week where he played me and was the Stud.  But he's the Lowman or Honorable Mention on this end of the Newsletter every single week, including this week where he only managed to post 68 total points.

This just in: Joe Flacco hasn't been good since he threw three TD's to some clown named Torrey Smith.  He lost to Blane Gabbert and the Jacksonville Jaguars last Monday on national television.  Surely WW gets ESPN.  Eli Manning is just sitting on his bench breathing awkwardly through his mouth and putting up points.  Give the kid a shot.  Also, under normal circumstances, I have no problem with Jordy Nelson getting a start.  Nelson and the Packers on a bye, however, certainly qualifies as an abnormal circumstance which warrants his relegation to the bench. 

Honorable Mention - The Big Sandwich finds themselves on the bad side of the letter.  When TBS loses, they lose hard.  I've always said excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at something, but in this case, I'm willing to offer some in defense of TBS.  Going into Week 8 Aaron Rodgers was the first-ranked QB in fantasy under our scoring and Matt Forte was the highest-ranked RB.  Both of those players are owned by TBS.  Both of those players were on byes.  Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good.  But, sometimes, its even better to be lucky AND good.  KJ would like to thank the scheduling body that be for the double-bye-week magic.  May Tebow be with you.

Statistics That Prove You Shouldn't Own Some Football Players in Fantasy:
I bet The Big Mac Attack thought he'd escape the wrath of the Newsletter this week since he (barely) beat out the bottom two finishers.  Wrong.  While watching the early Sunday games, I noticed at one point that Reggie Bush had rushed for more than 100 yards.  I immediately wondered, out loud, how many times Bush had surpassed 100 yards rushing in one game.  The Hump answered my originally rethorical question thanks to his careful reading of all things scrolling on the bottom of the screen at all times.  Reggie Bush has rushed for 100 yards in a single game exactly twice.  This past Sunday being the second.  That's an atrocity.  If Reggie Bush is ever on my team, please disqualify me from the League.  I mean it.  At least Reggie still has a Heisman Trophy to his name.  Well, I mean, he had to be good in high school, right?

On This Episode of The Wire:
Wicked of Lately continues to grind his face off on the Wavier Wire.  He's hustled his way to another victory this week over the aforementioned Big Mac Attack.  He's lucky it was BMA though because the Wire hasn't all been great for WL.  Two pick-ups who were immediately inserted as starters combined for 0 points.  One was a RB and one was a TE.  Alphonso Smith and Daniel Fells were both a swing and a miss this week for WL, but the effort, as always is appreciated.  In another Waiver news, the artist formally known as Peyton Manning has finally been dropped into the Free Agent tab were he belongs this year, and maybe well into the future or forever.  Suck for Luck is fully on in Indy because, among other reasons, it is my sneaky suspicion that Peyton will never throw another pass as a QB in the NFL. 

Look Out For The Nolans:
Since sorting out their starting QB issues, the Nolans have been on a mini-tear.  They have won two games in a row, totalling 100+ points each time.  The resurgence of the Steeler's passing game, the recovered hamstring of Arian Foster and the defensive renaissance occurring in San Fransisco are helping to boost the Nolans through the mediocre muck of the standings.  They currently reside in sixth place in the overall league standings with a mark of 5-3.  We may be rivals, but even I can't hate on this impressive mini-streak. 

Elsewhere in the life of Nolan, I have been informed the Nolans gave birth to a healthy baby girl,  Rory Claire Stipanovich.  I don't know where the Stipanovich comes from, but I've been assured that this is the Nolan's child.  Also, she was measured in at a hair under 6 feet.  But at any rate, both mom and new daughter are healthy.  We at the Newsletter would like to welcome Rory to the League.  Hopefully she'll help Mom and Dad keep Davone Bess out of the starting line up.

Week 7 - Top Five/Bottom Five

This week, I present yet another writing gimmick to keep me from writing a short novella about this week's action so I can, at least, pretend to be a well-adjusted, productive member of society.  If only for a night.

I've used this structure in college once or twice.  It's an insanely simple premise, but it will make sure I don't go on for paragraphs about how absurd it is that Marshawn Lynch finds it acceptable to declare himself sidelined at 1:02 pm EST in complete disregard of the millions of people that care more about fantasy football than the games on the field.  Let us know before 1pm, Marshawn.  Show some respect.

But I digress.  The top five/bottom five consists of two sides - the top and the bottom.  Stay with me here.  The top will contain the five most entertaining/hilarious occurrences in the league this week and the bottom will detail the five worst/unfunny occurrences in the league this week.  Admittedly, most things are funny to some people and not others especially in fantasy football, but I've already committed to this.  We're doing it.  Deal with it.

Top Five:

1.  The Big Sandwich's unbelievable luck.  TBS's luck literally numbs my mind.  It almost doesn't make sense.  Cedric Benson (Cin) was on a bye and so was Kendall Hunter (SF).  Side note: How many useless 49'ers RB's do I have to deal with this year?  At least Anthony Dixon is out of the league and my life.  Anyway, because of those two byes, TBS was forced to play rookie Cowboys' RB, Demarco Murray.  All Murray did was take his first carry 91 yards to the 21-point-play house.  From there he merely scampered for a franchise record 253 yards and a rookie fantasy record of 39 points.  Not sure if that's actually a rookie fantasy record, but I'm going to go with it.  Sounds plausible. 

2.  Dunn Giveashit's new team logo.  The Gronk dunn givashit either, and for that, we applaud him.  Dunn Giveashit is also, as far as I can remember, the first second-highest week total to lose to the Stud of the Week (TBS, naturally).  In other words, had the DG's been playing anyone else this week, he would have won, but instead, he was stuck playing TBS, so he lost - by nine points.

3.  The Nolans breaking the 100 point barrier in an otherwise bad fantasy week.  Despite playing Damien Williams, who, before typing his name, I had never even heard of previously.  Needless to say, he scored 0 points.  But Arian Foster woke up from his nightmare of a season and ran for 100 yards as well as going for another 100 yards through the air.  And, by the way, he also scored three touchdowns.  Good for 48 points.  Big Ben also proved why you should never sit him in favor of Mark Sanchez recording 31 points.  Big week for the Nolans.

4.  Vandelay Industries RB atrocity.  VI started three RB's.  Ray Rice, Darren McFadden and the aforementioned Marshawn Lynch combined for 4 total points.  This would normally go in a bottom five, but its funny and entertaining for everyone because VI still managed to win his Week 7 match up by 13 points.  Okay, so it's funny for everyone except The Big Mac Attack. 

5.  Barrister's Balls and Jimmy Graham.  Jimmy Graham scoring 17 points in an epic blowout of the Colts is not, funny, entertaining or even out of the ordinary, but when you couple it with the BB owner's comments about said 17-point performance it at least is good for a chuckle.  In a semi-rant proclaiming Jimmy Graham's greatness, DJ actually said the following:  "Yeah, good thing Jimmy Graham is just jock-slapping everyone."  The context of a recently new father screaming that walking out the door of a professional institution of higher learning makes it all the better.

Bottom Five:

1.  William Wallace's point total - or lack thereof.  WW recorded 55 points this week.  That is the lowest total score since George Filopolopolous dropped 43 points on the final week of last season.  (For those curious, the lowest total ever recorded in our league thus far is 42 - ironically last year's Week 6 total from The Big Sandwich.)  WW had 47 points going into the Monday night game with Joe Flacco still to play.  Unfortunately for WW and the general Baltimore area residents, Joe Flacco forgot he was supposed to play last night.  He had only 8 points.  Not the lowest starting QB total in our league this week.  Thumbs up to the Hump for Matt Hasselbeck's 6 points.

2.  Injuries everywhere.  Tim Hightower, RIP.  Santana Moss, out 5-7 weeks.  Beanie Wells, out 2 weeks.  Darren McFadden, injured.  Matt Stafford, injured again.  Jahvid Best, concussed.  Willis McGahee, out 1-2 weeks.  That's just some decently relevant fantasy players I could think of off the top of my head.  Injuries and byes are forcing some questionable starts from all of us.  The worst of which is Knuckle Junction being forced to go back to Knowshon Moreno last week.  I'll also be forced to use him this week.  Unfunny. 

3.  Bench Bomb of the Week.  This is a bottom five item for the Hump, but really it could easily be a top five item for the rest of us, especially the Barrister's Balls.  At any rate, this week's bench bomb goes to the Hump for inexplicably leaving Plaxico Buress on his bench electing instead to start Greg Little.  Greg Little earned 3 points.  Plaxico only had four catches for 25 yards, but three of those four catches were touchdowns.  Plaxico totaled 20 points.  If the Hump had put in Plax, he would have beaten the BB's by 7 points.  God bless fantasy football.

4.  Playoff standings.  Places 4th through 8th are log jammed at 4-3.  There are five teams potentially one loss away from being on the outside of the playoff picture looking in.  It is not a place anyone wants to be.  Its like walking on egg shells if there were hundreds of dollars and personal pride at stake.  Things are getting tight in the middle.  Stay tuned, every win counts.

5.  The Big Mac Attack's week total.  Not only did BMA record the second-lowest score this week (69), but to the extreme displeasure of our commissioner, BMA refuses to trade Tom Brady or Cam Newton.  Cam Newton, in BMA's defense, is the only player who scored real points this week for his squad and Tom Brady was on a bye.  But, the problem with your QB's being your best two players is that you can't play them both.  Just some food for thought, BMA.

Week 6 - Contenders and Pretenders

We have a new addition to the league this week.  Her name is Marlo Isabella Miller, she sleeps 16 hours a day and requires a diaper-change almost once an hour.  She was born 10/11/11, four days later than expected.  Mom maintains that Marlo delayed her own birth because the baby was afraid that Dad would try to trade her for the likes of Matthew Stafford and/or Cam Newton.  Fortunately for the child, and everyone involved, no such deal has been made (yet). 

We hope someday Marlo is a full-fledged member of the league, or at the very least helps her father get out of his own way.  As for the current members of the league, this week, each team is grouped into one of two categories: Contenders or Pretenders.  Since this is (kind of) the half way point of the regular season, we'll give our thoughts on where teams stand.

To clarify, in order to be considered a Contender a team would have to be, in the opinion of our crack staff here at the Newsletter, in contention for a spot in the money at the end of the year.   A Pretender, conversely, is, again in our unbiased opinion, not in contention to win any money.  Winning money, for those unsure, would require a team to finish in the top three in overall point production after all 17 weeks or finish as the Playoff champion or runner-up.

As always, if you're offended by which category your team landed in, save it.  I don't care.  And, remember, excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things.  Be better.

The teams in each category appear in no particular order.  And away we go...

Pretenders: 

William Wallace - Jahvid Best can only win you so many match ups, and since he is currently concussed for the second time this season and the (approximately) 23rd time in his college/professional career, it seems like he won't be scampering for too many more 88-yard touchdowns.  At 1-5 WW is in serious jeopardy of not even making the playoffs.  Also, WW is third-from-the-bottom in total point production thus far.  Hey, but at least WW was the Stud of the Week once this year.  Baby steps, Taco, baby steps.  But, really, Anthony Dixon...still? 

The Big Mac Attack - The Miami Dolphins are 0-6.  The BMA is 1-5.  The two may not seem to be related, but consider this:  The BMA utilizes not one, but two, Dolphin offensive "weapons."  Reggie Bush's 36 yard run last night was his longest since last year, and Brandon Marshall has a borderline personality disorder.  I'm just saying...think about it.  Also, the re-occurring Bench Bomb that is Tom Brady/Cam Newton continues to be the elephant in the league.  How 'bout considering flipping one of those QB's for some legitimate RB's and/or WR's.  Again, just think about it.

George Filopolopolous - At 1-5, GF is probably a Tom Brady away from 5-1.  Well, that's probably not true, but GF is the unfortunate recipient of some bad luck - the bizarro Hump, as it were.  GF's opponents have outscored GF by over a hundred points. That, however, doesn't change the fact that GF is 1-5 with hopes of the playoffs fading like Donovan McNabb's career - quickly.

Wicked of Lately - The second member of the Pakrafter-Tardiff household on the Pretender side of the list.  Sad days on Larkin's Way.  In fact, GF owns the single-worst week point total (57: Week 3) and WL owns the second-worst week point total (64: Week 6).  Drew Brees is the only player for WL consistently producing points and now, Felix Jones is injured as well.  We appreciate WL's grinding on the Wavier Wire - can't knock the hustle - but unfortunately, it doesn't look like WL stands much chance to win any money at 2-4 and standing squarely in the second-to-last slot on the points production ladder.

Nolan United - Settle down, Nolans, hear me out.  At 3-3 I'll agree that the Playoffs aren't out of the question, in fact, if the Playoffs started today, you'd be the No. 8 seed, so there's hope.  Just not a lot.  As for point-production money, the Nolans have about as much chance as winning money for total points as I do of being America's Next Top Model.  Also, the Nolans are dead last in total point production thus far and 176 points from taking the lead.  So, money for point-production is completely out of the question.  The Playoffs are possible, but running the table three straight weeks after they begin, remains a long shot.

Contenders:

Barrister's Balls - Dear, BB. Please stop sending me email's that read, in its unedited entirety, "Lance Kendricks is also available."  That is not helpful to anyone.  Instead, BB should be concentrating his efforts on trading with someone who is actually interested, which, in all fairness, seems to be no one.  So there's that.  Regardless of the trade-offer antics, BB finds himself in third place in both the overall standings and overall points.  Not too shabby.  Are you sure you need a trade?

Vandelay Industries - Behind the second-best RB1 and RB2 combo in the league, the defending champion has roared back from his 0-2 start.  Ray Rice and Run DMC are doing some serious work for VI.  VI is also fifth in total points, which puts him in contention for some total-point cash dollars.  Not that he needs it after his win in both the Playoff bracket and total-points last year.  Also, the name changes, in all its irrational glory, seemed to work.  One last additional question: True or False, your chest is bigger than that of any player on your fantasy roster?

Chester Humpley - Haters gon' hate, but The Hump continues to win games and score points.  CH is sixth in overall points and only 61 points away from third place, which is attainable.  He has produced at least 100 points in all but two weeks.  For those of you clamoring that his luck will run out, it very well might.  But, does it have to?  Absolutely not.  We, as a collective league, could be in for one year-long Hump.  Who knows?  All I know is that at 5-1 it would take some pretty terrible luck and overall incompetence not to make the playoffs at this point, which I think we can all agree isn't out of the question, but it's a long shot.

Whore Hands - Currently WH is just outside of the total point-production money in fourth place, which is where he also finds himself in the overall standings.  The Pirates season (mercifully) ended some time ago, so WH's sporting attention has been placed entirely on his fantasy football team, which is a good thing for him and a bad thing for the rest of us seeing that Wes Welker is well on his way to amassing 2,000 total yards and (approximately) 13 50+ yard touchdowns.

Knuckle Junction - The most consistent scorer in the league.  KJ is the only team in the league to score at least 100 points in every week. Yeah, I've lost 3 times. Awesome.  I might be 3-3, but I've managed to post the second-highest points-for total (707), only 15 points off the lead.  Led by the best RB's in the league and a whole mess of awful QB's, KJ is not the team you want to see in a match up anytime soon.  Unless, of course your George Filopolopolous and you play me next week when both Shady McCoy and Fred "Best Pick of the Draft" Jackson are on byes.

Dunn Giveashit - DG may seem to be on the down swing, posting only 79 points in each of the last two weeks, but it's hard to argue with 4-2 making the playoffs at this point of the season especially when so many teams are 1-5.  Other than Frank Gore, there are some serious problems at RB, namely, the starting RB formerly known as Tim Hightower and Marion Barber.  DG might be the wobbliest of Contenders, but to this point, all hope is not lost. 

The Big Sandwich - TBS has been the leader in points (722) from the first snap with no signs of slowing down yet.  TBS has also been the leader in the overall standings in all but one week when the undefeated Hump reigned supreme.  Aaron Rodgers is averaging 30.2 points per week.  30 points a week.  That's beyond description, even for me.  If and when Cedric Benson ever gets suspended for his latest infraction which escapes me at the moment but probably has something to do with hitting a woman, organizing a drug deal or general debauchery, TBS will have a hole in his roster big enough for Bam Bam Morris to run through.  Things could get interesting.

Fact I Found Doing Research That I Had To Pass Along:
There are two teams that have not added a single player to their roster since the draft.  That, as we all know, saves those individuals the cost of doing business.  Quite literally.  Those two teams are The Big Mac Attack and William Wallace.  Saving money might seem like a good strategy, but only if you have a good draft.  Their collective 2-10 record would indicate neither of them had such a draft, but to each their own, right?

Week 5 - Today, Redemption is Spelled, T-A-C-O

If you remember, Week 4 saw 10 teams score in the triple digits.  Week 5 saw only five teams score in triple digits.  The only logical explanation for this drop off in league-wide production is the beginning of the bye week.   That, and the fact that as a league we started the likes of Jason Campbell, Dexter McCluster and LaRod Stephens-Howling - just to name a few.

Yes, Knowshon Moreno did score a touchdown.  That was real.  He has now boosted his season average to 2.8 points/week.  And yes, I still hate him.

As for the rest of the news in the league this week...

The Stud of the Week - William Wallace.  No, this is not a typo or an elaborate joke.  This is real life.  Taco's team finally showed its draft-day potential this week netting a league-high total of 121 points.  Jahvid Best simultaneously shredded the Bears defense and what's left of my soul Monday night running for a career-high 163 yards including an 88-yard touchdown scamper that derailed my inspired Calvin-Johnson-led comeback and ultimately won the week for WW.  That was the first 100-yard game and the highest fantasy total of Best's career.  Go figure.

The most puzzling result of the week: Eli Manning.  Eli might have thrown for three touchdowns and 420 yards, but he also threw three interceptions, fumbled twice and lost to the Seahawks in his home stadium.  How on Earth does that warrant 31 points?  There are some serious flaws with the scoring.  And, yes, I may be a little bitter.  I can't be certain, but I think this is WW's first appearance as the Stud of the Week.  Congrats, Caleb.  It's been a long time coming.

Honorable Mention - Vandalay Industries.  The reigning champ got serious contributions from Marshawn Lynch and David Bowie this week.  I wasn't even sure if Lynch was still in the league.  I thought he just retired after that playoff run against the Saints last year.  Good for him, though.  After starting 0-3, VI is slowly climbing out of that hole with two straight wins. He also started two Steelers this week - Issac Redman and Heath Miller, which means Jim is going to buy into this coincidence and talk exclusively in his all-too-good yinzer accent for the rest of the season.

The Willy Lowman of the Week - When you're kicker is the second-highest scorer on your team for a given week, there's a good chance you'll end up on the wrong side of the Newsletter.  Thus is the case for this week's Lowman - George Filopolopolous who managed only 72 points.  All but three of her players (Phillip Rivers, Michael Turner and Stephen Gostkowski) recorded only single-digit totals.  Peyton Manning is still not playing which makes the seven combined points from Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne not at all surprising.  The only Colts scoring points are Curtis Painter and Pierre Garcon. 

Other than Stafford's 18 points, GF's bench only recorded five points, so there's not much that can be done to improve the situation at this point.  No one wants to see a team go 0-13, but GF is making a serious run at it.  Not only is her team not great, but she leads the league in Points Against (593). 

A wise fictional man once told me (and the millions of others who watched the film) that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."  So, there's that.

Honorable Mention(s) - Another tie.  The Big Mac Attack and Wicked of Lately both tallied 74 points.  These two are getting all too comfortable on this side of the Newsletter.  For Wicked of Lately, Antonio Brown was the only Steeler that didn't catch a touchdown this week and LT is still old.  The WL bench only mustered nine points as well, which gets even worse when you consider that eight of those points came from two bench defenses.  So, excluding useless back-up D/ST points and with bye weeks WL's bench only has one additional point.  Again, hope is a good thing.

The Big Mac Attack committed one of the most egregious non-moves of this fantasy season.  It has been reported to the Newsletter than BMA had been talking about starting (S)Cam Newton in favor of Tom Brady.  Apparently, he couldn't go through with that gutsy move because Tom Brady and his haircut started this week for his squad.  But, had Newton started as his owner had said he would, BMA would have won his match up with Dunn Givashit by one point.  Although, the two zeros posted in the RB2 and Flex positions didn't help much either. 

Obligatory Kicker Fact:
In case you hadn't noticed, there are no longer any undefeated teams left in the league.  The previously undefeated Chester Humpley lost to the Big Sandwich thanks in large part to the left foot of Sebastian Janikowski.  The bald Pollack kicked three field goals through the uprights from 50+ yards out and another from 42 yards.  His final box score:  4/4 (50, 54, 55 and 42) FGs and 1/1XP - good for 22 fantasy points.  Twenty-two points is tied for the 20th best total on the week.  From a kicker.

Pregnant Wives Making Poor Decisions:
I had the great pleasure of seeing both the Nolans and the MillerKuz's this Sunday at the Steeler game.  It was there that I was informed that both teams made terrible decisions at QB for this week.  The MillerKuz's went with the emotional pick, Jason Campbell, instead of Curtis Painter.  The Nolans, even more egregiously, started Mark Sanchez in favor of Ben "Five-Touchdowns" Roethlisberger.  I was later told that both wives made those decisions and the husbands obliged.  Now, whether that is the truth or not, I'll leave each of you to decide.  I just report what I'm told.  Only nerds fact-check.  The lesson, as always: if you make a mistake in fantasy (or in life), blame it on your wife.

Bench Bomb of the Week:
Where bench points are worse than no points.  This week the Bomb goes to Whore Hands for benching the Law Firm - Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis.  Can't really fault the Hands here because the Jets were supposed to be good against the run.  But, Plaxico Burress was suppose to be able to catch footballs still too, so really, who knows.  Twenty-seven points is a lot, but when Adrian Peterson is running through Cardinal defenders for three touchdowns and over 100 yards, it really doesn't matter much.  But a bomb is a bomb.

Week Four - 50-Point Players, Injuries and Black French Guys

For those keeping score at home, Knowshon Moreno is now the 74th best fantasy RB.  He is averaging one point per week.  His season total is four.  I will now go eat razor blades and pencil shavings. 

Enough about me, though.  We'll go back to the original format because I only have so much creativity in me.  I hope that is agreeable.  If it's not, too bad.  You'll read it and you'll like it.

Let's get into the Newsletter for Week Four:

Stud(s) of the Week - We have a tie.  The Big Sandwich and The Barrister's Balls.  DJ was displeased this morning when he found out that he TIED for the Stud of the Week.  He quickly found out that it was the fault of both Ahmad Bradshaw and Santana Moss each came up one yard short of another point (both had 39 yards and a TD).  One more yard from either of them, and he'd be the lone Stud.  That might be as close as he comes to being our Stud for any week. 

Also, the perpetual Stud, TBS, had a huge week from Aaron Rodgers who decided to drop half-a-hundred (+1) on everyone.  Rodgers threw for 408 yards and two touchdowns.  Also, he ran for two touchdowns.  He's everything Mike Vick owners expected him to be...and then some.  He did, however, throw an interception, so shame on him.  It's also worth noting that Matt Forte and Rodgers alone (both owned by TBS) came within one point (81) of matching the total of our Willy Lowman of the Week (82). 

Honorable Mention - Speaking of Mike Vick, Chester Humpley put up a respectable 134 this week.  Hater's gon' hate, but Chester just keeps humping along and winning match ups.  Vick finally showed up fantasy-wise with 34 points.  It's unfortunate for the Eagles that he didn't show up losing-to-the-49'ers-wise, though.  It's getting marginally difficult to argue with four wins on the young season.  Well, it isn't too hard yet considering he still owns the lowest points-against total.  But don't be surprised if The Hump steam rolls your team at any point this season.  He's capable of putting up some decent totals as this week indicates.  You've been warned.  So don't blame me when you, like George Filopolopolous this week, get Humped.

The Willy Lowman of the Week - There were lots of points to be had this week.  It produced 10 triple-digit totals in the MillerKuz league.  Unfortunately for two teams on the bad side of the Newsletter, they account for the other two teams. 

First, The Willy Lowman welcomes the Nolans back to the party.  We're not much for excuses here at the Newsletter.  Excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things.  That having been said, the Nolans continue to be ravaged by injuries.  The good news: Arian Foster is back.  The bad news: Andre Johnson is gone.  You really stood no chance this week as we've already chronicled the adventures of The Big Sandwich and Aaron Rodgers, but I am proud that Davone Bess was squarely where he needed to be - on the bench.  Keep working that waiver wire and if you need a 49er to soothe your Andre Johnson pain, look no further than Michael Crabtree.  Have your people contact my people.

Honorable Mention - The other sub-100 performer, Wicked of Lately.  Drew Brees and Vincent Jackson performed honorably, but Jackson's total (23) equaled the total put up by Felix Jones, Mark Ingram, Nate Washington, and Antonio Brown combined.  WL's bench was quite miserable as well, so good luck with alllllll that.

Obligatory Kicker Fact:
Jason Hanson, the best fantasy kicker to date this year, averages more points (13.5) than all but NINE running backs in all of fantasy football.  Just some food for thought.  Also, DJ, I hate you.

Is He Black or French?  Doesn't Matter.  He's Running All Over the Place:
He's actually black and french.  Neither of which matters as much as his performance last night.  We were three points away from Pierre Garcon completing the most ridiculous comeback in the history of this league.  He caught two passes.  He scored two touchdowns.  He totaled 39 fantasy points. 

We were literally three points away from this Newsletter containing nothing but the words "Pierre Garcon" for 12 paragraphs.  We were also three points away from Whore Hands quitting his job, dropping out of the league and living in an abandoned school bus somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness.

Biggest Bench Bomb:
I sat a previously-injured Beanie Wells in a fit of rationality.  I also missed a career day from Beanie Wells.  Literally.  He had a career high in yards (138) and a career high in touchdowns (3).  Awesome.  Bench points are worse than zero points.  Those 32 points will haunt my dreams and nightmares.  Mostly nightmares.  It was, however, much easier to swallow after Sunday night when Shonn Greene, Wells' replacement, carried the ball 10 times for 23 yards.  See, that previous sentence is why they tell you not to believe everything on the Internet.  I hate fantasy football.

Week Three - Power Rankings

Taking a break from the normal format, the MillerKuz FFL Newsletter proudly presents Week Three Power Rankings. 

But before we get to that, the Commish has kindly asked each member of the League to respond to a poll question on the League's home page.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming. 

Keep in mind that these rankings reflect the current state of the league.  They do not, in any way, reflect the future performance of any teams.  And, even though it goes without saying, these rankings were compiled by our professional and objective staff.

If you are in anyway bothered or embarrassed by your position in these rankings, I do not care.  Be better at fantasy football and there will not be a problem.

12.  William Wallace - WW has amassed the least amount of points in the league to date (254).  Also, he is 0-3 and Anthony Dixon is still on his roster.

11.  The Big Mac Attack - All of Mac Attack's starting RBs and WRs (five players) combined for 17 points this past week, including Hines Ward, who is (approximately) the Steelers' 7th best WR.

10. Nolan United - NU owns the second-lowest aggregate score (276), but, to be fair, as we always are here in the Newsletter, NU were unlucky to lose the services of both Arian Foster to a hamstring and Peyton Hillis to a sore throat.  On the other hand, NU is quite lucky that their opponents only scored 238 points against them - the second-lowest such total, so quit the excuses.

9.  George Filopolopolous - GF is the current Willy Lowman of the Week and has only scored 281 points (third-worst) this season and is 0-3.  What gives her reprieve from a double-digit ranking is the fact that her opponents have scored 344 points against her - the fourth-highest such total.

8.  Chester Humpley - Don't let his 3-0 start fool you.  Humpley has scored only the eighth-highest total (303) this season and his opponents have only managed 232 points against him - a league low.  He also has six RB's on his bench including Toby Gerhart (6 total carries) and  C.J. Spiller (9 total carries).  That's not as funny as it is perplexing.

7.  Wicked of Lately - WL opponents have only amassed 287 points, which puts him among the top three luckiest teams.  His sixth-highest point total (323) and his 2-1 record combine to place him atop Humpley, which I think we can all agree is a place no one man wants to be.

6.  Vandaley Industries - Changing his name changed his results, at least, so far as he is this week's Stud of the Week.  His opponents have scored more points against him (353) than he has scored (321), but Run DMC has been a strong performer averaging more than 25 points per week.  Same name and same star back - look out, League, here comes the reigning champ.

5.  Knuckle Junction - Eighth place in your standings, second place in your points for, third place in your points against and number one in your hearts, Knuckle Junction.

4.  Whore Hands - WH has been blessed with fourth-luckiest points against total (299), Wes Welker and the uncanny ability to make a story from a strip club on a Wednesday night hilarious, instead of pathetic.

3.  Dunn Givashit - One thing I know for sure is that Travis Dunngivashit about these rankings.  I also know that Rob Gronkowski is murdering all other TEs this year and that Jamal Charles is not coming back.

2.  Barrister's Balls - The third-highest points for total, a first and a second round pick that only average 9.7 points each per week and a newly officer-latched car seat in the back of his Accord.  Yes, all things the Barrister Ball's own.

1.  The Big Sandwich - The only league member with a winning record that has more points against (376) than points for (370), so he is lucky in that respect.  However, it is, contrary to a popular colloquialism, better to be good than lucky, which TBS is with the highest total points through three weeks.  Also, Kenny Britt is out for the year, so missing that (average) 26.0 could be hard to replace.  It also requires TBS to do something he has yet to do this season: Change his lineup.

Week Two - Taco, Bench Points and Reigning Champs

I would like to start by thanking David J. Miller for benching all of his good players this week.

As much as I hate living in a fantasy world where Cam Newton routinely puts up 30+ points, where Knowshon Moreno is less relevant than Ryan Leaf and where I pay five American dollars each week on another fill-in tight end, it is, unfortunately, the world I currently occupy, so there is nothing left to do but to make fun of it and everyone else around me.  So let's get into the newsletter for Week Two:

The Stud of the Week:  Our first repeat offender.  The Big Sandwich's 151-point performance was fueled by another outstanding fantasy performance from Aaron Rodgers and a combined 46-point output from his WRs.  Kenny Britt seems to be the steal of the draft thus far.  Cedric Benson and Sebastion Janikowski were the only two starters not register a double-digit total.  On the flip side, his bench only had one double-digit performance (Ryan Fitzpatrick - 23) and seven other single-digit outputs.  Again, great point maximization from The Big Sandwich.  At this rate, it's going to take some serious points to knock off the early favorite.  Amy tried hard this week (123 total points) and still fell. . . pause for mental math. . . 28 points short.

Honorable Mention: Knuckle Junction.  Other than Robbie Gould and Mike Thomas, who had to start due to a number of injuries on the roster, each player in the starting lineup went for double digits.  Great balance leads to high totals (145).  As a general rule in my life, a grown man who professionally goes by the name "Beanie" is not someone I care to associate with, but if he's adding 15 points to my fantasy team and, for all intents and purposes, replacing Knowshon Moreno he would easily become my new best friend if it weren't for Fred Jackson running lose all over Oakland.

The Willy Lowman of the Week:  Our second repeat offender.  William Wallace is getting comfortable on the wrong side of the newsletter.  Just when we all thought Taco was getting his act together by having a seemingly adequate draft, he shows his true colors the first two weeks and finds himself as the Lowman in Week Two.  When your kicker records more points than all but two of your other starters, traditionally, things aren't going too well.  Further, when said kicker doubled the totals of four of your other starters you end up as the Lowman of the Week. 

His bench was equally inadequate so we really can't ridicule his start-bench decisions.  So, in that way, it really wasn't his fault.  But, in a slightly more logical way, it is completely his fault because he picked each and every one of those players. 

It's not all negative this week for Taco, however, because both of his "zeros" were squarely on his bench.  Congratulations for not starting a "zero."  We're proud of you.

Honorable Mention:  New territory here for the Nolans.  Unless, of course, you include almost all of last year.  The 49er's D/ST did not come to the Nolans rescue this week, nor will they ever again, so it may be time to start thinking about starting players not named Davone Bess.  I understand that Santonio Holmes was listed as questionable leading up to Sunday's game, but he played at 1pm and it was announced well before game time that he would in fact be in the lineup.  Under no circumstance is starting Bess over Holmes acceptable unless it's in a fantasy league that deducts points for having illegitimate children and running into problems with the law.  Stop preparing to be new parents and pay more attention to your fantasy team.  Priorities, Nolans.  Priorities. 

Meet the 0.1 Percent:  Danny Amendola is only owned by 3.6 percent of all ESPN fantasy participants.  That, in and of itself, is impressively low.  Amy Tardiff not only doesn't care that (almost) no one else owns him, she also decided that he is worth starting.  According to ESPN.com, Amendola was only started by 0.1 percent of owners last week.  While not confirmed, it is my suspicion that our Mrs. Tardiff is the ONLY owner to start Amendola in all ESPN leagues.  She is the 0.1 percent.  I'm not even mad.  That's impressive.

Email I Don't Expect To See This Week:  Probably won't get a Week Two manifesto from Whore Hands since he lost to Sam and Wicked of Lately.  Leaving 34 WR points on the bench isn't necessarily a bad thing (depth can be good), but when you consider he only started 15 points worth of WR this week, it starts to become a problem.

Reigning Champion Update:  When you start 0-2 after being crowned the first-annual Millerkuz champ a change is necessary.  Unfortunately for Cafaro he can't change his draft.  He did, however, change his name back, which does not, in fact, lead to more points. It's science.  On an unrelated note - if anyone is actively seeking to trade any and all Steeler personnel, please see Jim Cafaro immediately.

Week One - Knowshon, Proxies and Large Sandwiches

I would like to start by thanking Knowshon Moreno for being the dumbest thing I have ever committed to and for simultaneously murdering my soul and crushing my will to live.

Additionally, I would like to officially welcome the neophytes to the (in)famous Millerkuz Newsletter.  The newbies went an impressive 2-1 in their first week match ups and the only loser - The Big Mac Attack - was the leagues highest scoring loser, which is a lot like being the tallest midget, but even midgets need a silver lining.

In brief, the newsletter works as follows: We start by congratulating the highest scoring team of the week as well as the second highest scoring team in the Stud of the Week and the Honorable Mention respectively.  Then we move to the Willy Lowman of the Week and the Honorable Mention, which allows us to laugh at the two worst teams of the week.  Then we'll add some random categories and mock stupid things done by relatively smart individuals.

The Stud of the Week - The Big Sandwich blew up all over the Big Mac Attack and the rest of the league this week posting 143 points, made all the more impressive after the Steelers' D/ST blew up all over themselves and posted a -3.  Kenny Britt overcame the fact that Matt Hasselbeck is his quarterback and threw down 32 points.  Even Matt Forte and Cedric Benson got in on the fun.  Benson, fresh off his stint in jail, and only available because of time off for good behavior posted a 19 for the victorious Bengals.  Answering the age-old question: If the Bengals and the Browns play in Week 1 and absolutely no one cares, is there still a winner?  Apparently, yes. 

All around great point maximization from TBS as his bench posted a solid number of zeros and includes a man by the name of Titus Young.

Honorable Mention - Our first newcomer to get a spot in the newsletter - Whore Hands aka Proxy Vote.  Even though the real Steve Smith ran circles around the Arizona Defense and scored 36 points for the WH bench, they still managed to post the second highest total.  If you start Smith this week, he'll probably go for three dozen against Charles Woodson and the Packers.  Try it.  WH should be eternally grateful for Wes Welker (35 pts) after Wes bailed him out quicker than Manny Ramirez.  Seriously, it took someone an entire day come up with the $2,500 to bail out Manny "for being Manny," or (allegedly) beating his wife as the case may be.  Two WR's with 30 point weeks?  Awesome.  Welcome to the league.  Also, I hate you.

The Willy Lowman of the Week - Wicked of Lately.  WL managed to put up the only "healthy" zero in a starting lineup this week thanks to the only Raven that didn't score against the Steelers this week - Lee Evans.  Other than Drew Brees, no one wanted to play this week for WL.  Seventy eight points is not a lot, but its even less when you consider Drew Brees scored 31 of them.  The other 47 points came from a conglomeration of single-digit starts and two other double-digit adults - Felix Jones (11) and the dismal Arizona D/ST (16).  There are three zeros sitting on that bench as well, so good luck turning this ship around.  Additionally, Peyton Manning has nerve damage in his neck that just required a second surgery, not sure if you heard.

Honorable Mention - This is a newsletter first.  We have a tie for second-worst.  Congratulations to both the Lounge Lizards (aka Lizzy) and William Wallace (aka Taco).  Congratulations for being pretty terrible at fantasy football.

Since we don't allow ties here, we're going to settle this by deciding who was worse this week.  Taco's bench put up 72 points which has "missed opportunities" written all over it.  Lizzy's bench only (and "only" in this context is extremely relative) put up 67 points, which also has "missed opportunities" written all over it just not in large capital letters with a Sharpie marker.  So Taco takes it.  Well played.

Fun Things to Do When Watching Terrible Players Try to Score Points for Your Team:
When you verbally urge your RB to make it back to the digital blue line of scrimmage every time he touches the ball this is a sign of two things: One, the RB is not good and should stay on your bench.  Two, you need to settle down.  Next time, keep in mind that positive thoughts yield positive results.  Also keep in mind that that last sentence does not apply to Knowshon Moreno.  But hey, at least it gave DJ something to do during the 4:15 game.

Obligatory Kicker Fact:
Nate Kaeding, RIP, is no longer a feasible fantasy option, sorry Proxy Vote.  In other news, Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG Monday night, because obviously The Big Sandwich needed even more points this week.  When it rains it pours. 

Terrible Player(s) That May Have Definitely Murdered Your Team:
First and foremost, the 49'ers D/ST completely validated the Nolans seemingly irrational belief in all things Bay Area.  Sorry, Taco, but I have two words for you:  Ted Ginn, Jr.  Back-to-back 108 and 55 yard kick returns is two steps away from a grown man named Kenny dropping 32 points in a single week.  Sorry, Big Mac.

Current Reason I Hate This League:
I've already spent $10 on Free Agents, and one of them was to replace my kicker.  Thanks alot, Vinatieri.

Ten Things I Learned at the Draft

The 2011 MillerKuz FFL Annual Selection Meeting was a great success.  There were 204 players selected, 48 pieces of pizza eaten and at least 2 DJ temper-tantrums.

Over the three hours of fantasy drafting and pizza feasting, I learned quite a few things.  Here are a list of the ten most important things I learned at the 2011 MillerKuz FFL Annual Selection Meeting:

1.  Taco flavored Doritos are the only Doritos I will buy for the rest of my life.  (Thank you, Taco).

2.  There is - no matter who takes Tom Brady - no crying in Fantasy Football.

3.  It is useless to brag about having seven RBs on your roster after 11 rounds when four of them are back-ups because everyone will just make fun of you.

4.  The only thing Whore Hands hates more than fun is making prompt picks. 

5.  Jim Cafaro visibly gets ill when he picks players not employed by the Steelers.  So much so that he actual took Heath Miller and Issac Redman.  He was, however, well enough to eat "8 to 10" pieces of pizza.

6.  Taco watched some football and/or did his research.  Whatever the case, he is not immune to our ridicule and decided not to donate his $100 to this year's winner. 

7.  Mike Vick insurance should not include anyone named Jason Campbell.  Right, Cropcho?

8.  When DJ says "park in the driveway" what he really means is "park in the driveway only if there is still room to get my car in the garage and E, you should probably stand out there like an asshole and make sure people don't block the garage."

9.  Order was restored to the universe when the Nolans finally took the 49'ers defense.  They did however, show great restraint in leaving Alex Smith on the board.

10.  Spreadsheets printed in color will not prevent you from picking James Starks as a starting RB.  At least they looked fancy, Big Sandwich.

Twas the Night Before Draft Night

A gift from our fearless Commish:

Twas the night before draft night, and all through the league,
The site crawled with squires, doctors & schemes.

Cheat sheets were readied, pages were turned,
So much information, too much to be learned.

Temples were scratched while mock drafts are done,

All to prepare for three, intense months of fun.

So who will you take with your first pick?

Will it be Johnson, Rodgers or Vick?

And who might you add to play in the flex?

Will it be Marshawn, Boldin or Plax?

While questions abound, a few things we know,

Here is a glimpse of how it will go:

The Whore Hands of Christy will be clapping for Pirates,
While Laura the Proxy drafts as his pilot.

Humphrey or Hancock no matter the name,
Cropcho takes Vick to lead him to fame.

Caleb will be outside working on cars,

While his second round pick dances with stars.

We all welcome Travis to partake in our games,

Thankfully points aren’t awarded for names.

The Sandwich of Sowerby will likely draft smartly,

But maybe not so if he takes Garret Hartley.

Cafaro the Homer thinks he’s a wizard,
But he’s been exposed as just a Lounge Lizard.

E looks for sleepers, and will shoot for Fin-Ley,

Whomever he takes will blow out a knee.

No ‘Niner is safe with The Nolans on hand,

Getting them all is surely their plan.

We also add JMac et ux to our flock,

Surely their terrible picks we’ll all mock.

Amy takes Brady, and Sam will take Foster,
Then Sam will take care of the rest of her roster.

The Commish needs to cool it, and just let it be,
And hopefully not draft the Colts useless D.

The draft will go on, and so will the season,

Fantasy football gives it some reason.

Looking forward to seeing you Wednesday,

Come early come hungry to MillerKuz Draft Day!

Drafting of Draft Picks

The video speaks for itself...





Here are the results of the draft position selection:

1. Ryan Christy
2. Andrew Cropcho
3. Caleb Wallace
4. Travis Dunn
5. Jim Sowerby
6. Jim Cafaro
7. Eric Weinheimer
8. Jason McConnell
9. The Nolans
10. Sam Pakrafter
11. DJ Miller
12. Amy Tardiff

In the immortal words of our fearless  shameless Commissioner: "See you at the draft, Bitches."

Draft Order

Has the season started yet?  No?  It needs to.  Like, right now.  I'm not sure how many more nights I can stand with DJ texting me the names of his favorites for this season from his iPad: 

"Do you have Felix Jones fever yet?"

"I will never."

This is how I spend my nights.  This needs to end.  He needs a roster to tinker with incessantly so he will leave me alone. 

Luckily, the draft isn't too far off.  The draft order for our league does not coincide with last year's final standings like the real NFL does.  This is due to obvious reasons like, we're not the NFL and we have three new teams as well as a litany of dumb reasons our Commissioner screamed at me one night this summer.  So, our draft order is decided by the age-old scientific method known commonly as Picking out of a Hat. 

This process will take place Tomorrow (Thursday Aug. 11) night at the MillerKuz household.  Four team owners (Miller, Weinheimer, Cafaro and Cropcho) and the ever-neutral Mrs. Miller will be in attendance to ensure a fair shake. 

Additionally, since the Commissioner caught technology fever when he looked at this blog, we will be taping the entire process and posting it to the blog, that is, of course, if I can figure out how to do such a thing.  I will also simply post the draft order for those of you who do not have the time nor the patience to watch the entire video.

Make sure to check back either Friday night or Saturday for the results and your position in the draft. 

Fantasy Football - Coming Soon...

This year the newsletter goes all 21st century and will no longer take up space in the inboxes of league members.  Instead, the newsletter's on the internet, which, as we all know, makes everything written in it true. 

In league news, the Raging Pollacks have taken maternity leave this year to take care of a brand new Miller as well as the fantasy roster of the existing Miller.  This leaves us with only nine teams returing from last year, but some glad-handing on the part of our commmisioner has us welcoming three new squads into the chaos bringing our league total to 12 teams.  (Math is fun!). 

The draft is a little over a month from now, which seems far away and makes this post seem extremely premature, so get your strategy figured out and prepare to be mocked for picking the Colts D/ST or Randy Moss.