Taco's Opus

Despite an exciting consensual three-way  tie for first and what could be a hotly contested 8th seed (is that how you use seed in this context?  Normally I don’t say “seed” unless we’re talking about semen and even then I’m just using it to sound classier than the other guys at Cheerleaders) in the playoffs, the best battle heading into Monday night was an essentially meaningless competition between the ever ailing TacoCorp™ Firebreathing Zombie Wolf Death Machine and the Andrew Cropcho Droopy Pickles (NASDAQ: ACDP).  After Sunday, the DPs (not that kind) were cuddling an 8 point lead that TacoCorp™ had, in a move I can only describe as “yes, again,” given away by failing to bench a player who was very clearly out due to injury.  Luckily, Cropcho was either too lazy or too dumb to drag K. Allen (the app won’t let me look up his first name right now) off of his bench, which meant that Torrey Smith’s approximation of an NFL wide receiver was enough to eke out a pointless victory for TacoCorp™ in the 4^th quarter.  Accordingly, this week’s “Worse than Taco” award goes to Cropcho, who has pretty unceremoniously used this season to usurp my long-running stint at the back of the human centipede that is this league.

As a brief aside, I don’t know just how many NFL Players have decided that tweeting and scrambling to remove dick pics from social media is so inadequate for their exposure that they need to erect (ha) a personal garbage dump out in the wasteland of the internet, but Larry Darnell Fitzgerald is among the band of self-aggrandizing jackasses that has his own extensive website.  Larryfitzgerald.com includes such epic content as Larr-Bear hocking stem cell banking services in front of a huge American flag, interviewing his dad, promoting something called Fitzgerald Style which I guess just means getting old while praying for a real quarterback, and participating in the Gillette “can he catch it challenge.”  I assume they mean chlamydia and let me just assure you, “Yes.”

Anyway, on to the tale of the tape…  (I was going to say “Tales from the Scales” but that phrase is trademarked by UPMC, seriously.)

Stud of the Week:

Look, this was not exactly a hot contest.  I spent a lot of time staring at the Scoreboard trying to justify giving this award to literally anyone else, but you guys stink worse than my Aunt Donna’s septic leg.  Last week more than one player eclipsed 40 points.  The week before that FIVE players at four different positions hit 40.  Unfortunately, not only did David “My Team Name Hasn’t Been Relevant Since 2012” Miller hand the Knucklers a Velveeta 59 point beat down, he did so riding the crippled back of this week’s highest solo score and resident No. 2 pencil Odell Beckham, Jr.  I can only assume the breakout performance was inspired by DJ’s continued use of law school humor coupled with Odell’s unwillingness to stop paying his barber to make him look like he’s trying to steal Christopher Reid’s role in the next House Party sequel.  As I reluctantly give this award, I take solace in the fact that I’m physically incapable of giving DJ more than about 9/10 of a thumbs up.

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:

Dunn Givashit.  Heading into Monday night, things looked on track for Team DG to grab a 10-2 lock and bask like R. Kelly in the golden glory of entering Week 13 with both the #1 record and the overall scoring lead.  LNKM must have channeled the TacoCorp™ board of directors when she chose to play the dumpy 23^rd rank Buccaneers D rather than the #6 Colts D who, mind you, were facing off against the ONE AND TEN Jaguars.  Sadly our pal Travis, heavily constrained by a Steelers bye week that had eliminated half his bench, was apparently counting on rookie Bishop Sankey to protect what looked like a very solid lead.  Turns out Bishop is even worse at preventing team owner teabagging than he is at actually scoring touchdowns, because by the end of Monday night Travis had the ripe scent of Justin Forsett’s downtown situation all over his face.

Dishonorable Mention:

Wicked of Lately and Family.  Like Cropcho’s burning sensation that just won’t go away, Dr. “It’s Mathematically Possible” has managed to survive yet another week by taking advantage of a slipping Nolan United that hasn’t been able to repeat anything close to their 6-dub dominance in weeks 3 through 8.  This is even more impressive when you consider that Sam, fighting for survival, tapped Jacob Tamme for TE duty.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  This is a man who, over seven (7) seasons in the NFL, has logged a career 10 touchdowns.  For the liberal arts majors, this amounts to less than one touchdown over every 10 games.  It comes as no surprise then that TamTam, despite the TD clinic put on by Peyton Manning this week, posted yet another statistical vomit stain amounting to 0.9 points;  and was outscored by at least two dozen tight ends available on the waiver.  If I could find a Jacob Tamme fathead I would buy it for the $0.23 it has to cost and move that the Commish impose sanctions requiring you to display it in your office for the entire 2015 season.  Look at his face.  There’s no way your wife approved.

Willy Lowman:

You know, Aleppo Faith’s middling 5-7 record is actually almost impressive when you consider that over the course of this season he has scored only 83 points more than Cropcho’s ditch digging band of idiots (and that’s 56 points more than the Taco Corp™ Locker Room Broadway Show©).  Looking at the Faith’s Start/Sit chart and [lack of] available bench talent, it’s actually hard to call Fadi out on specific failures here (other than multiple obvious failures in drafting and thinking that anyone who played for the Huskies in college could succeed in life [sick burn]).  Sure he could have worked the wire like someone who is actually paying attention, but perhaps that is just the life of Willy Lowman…a random luck-driven peak of average success followed by a sad, plodding march into dark, depressing obscurity.  Keep the Faith, Fadi, you can always blame it on the Big Mac logo.

Bench Bomb:

United we Stand.  Or United we make terrible lineup selections in the second half of the season.  Just kidding, you couldn’t have known…but seriously, get a different kicker because that shit is offensive.  Honestly the bench bomb this week is more like a pipe bomb that someone hid deep inside a body cavity while they sat in the waiting room of the free clinic, sweating and listening to some lady on her iphone bitch about how her ACCESS card never works when she goes to buy new vape cartridges and I mean obviously she needs them because it’s better than cigarettes for her kids so if those assholes at the welfare office want to be like this then she’s just gonna go back to smoking Black & Milds…because Latavius Murray’s big boy 30-point performance came from nowhere.  Even though it was surprising to everyone (including Latavius Murray), you still get not only the Double B’s (if you can even find them under the sweater), but before you enter the playoffs you’re also going for some time in the “do better” chair, because you sat 11- and 12-point average receivers in order to play captain of industry Cecil Shorts “the third,” who incidentally has yet to score his second, let alone third, touchdown this season.  Are you shocked?  Because the 1-10 Jaguars are not.  Did you know they have something called “Jagsgiving?”  I didn’t check it out but I assume the title ends with “sad handjobs.”

And so ends another chapter in the MKFFL logbook.  I have been waiting around all season to make fun of you shit sipping frittata’s, so I’m only half-sorry this thing is so long.  That’s what I say to your moms, too.  TacoCorp™…AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Vandelay Industries

“If the playoffs were to start today (fill in the blank) would be in the playoffs.”  You will hear these annoying words uttered on ESPN, Fox Sports, NBC and various other “sports news” outlets until the regular season ends.  You may even hear them from our esteemed commish himself (after listening to 1 of his 8 Matthew Berry Fantasy Sit em or Start em podcasts for the day).   One team you will NOT fill in the blank with is the Limp Dixons or Calvin Johnson’s Ankle or whatever other dumb name you’ve decided on for this week.  1-10!  That’s not just bad, that’s Taco bad.  You have earned your seat in the “Do Better Chair” for the rest of the season. 

A few members of the MillerKuz FFL were playing a friendly game of poker at the awesome home of our newest member, Aleppo Faith.  In the midst of the game Fadrick mentioned a text message chain for the league.  Roger, E and Crop all laughed at what was said by other members of the league: Travis and Sam.

VI: What text chain are you talking about?

AF: The text chain for our fantasy football league, aren’t you on it?

VI: I have no clue what you’re talking about; I’m not on any text chain.

LD: You have to have an iPhone to be in it, ya f#*&$t.

RG: I don’t like looking at blue messages.  Get an iPhone and you can be on it.

At this point it all became clear.  For weeks I had thought that Roger was at Dave and Buster’s watching football on Sundays.  He listens to everything else Matthew Berry says, so I didn’t think this would be any different.  Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud9cEXeTToc.  I didn’t realize having a Droid was the equivalent of having to drink from the “colored” water fountain. 

Well now that we have seen proof of who the real minority is in this league, here is this week’s breakdown:

Stud of the Week:     

Raging Polacks.  With 162.4 points, that makes 2 out of the past 3 weeks in the league, and 260 out of the past 260 weeks in her marriage, that Laura has been the SOTW.  RP, one of the hottest teams in the league, beat up on Knuckle Junction, one of the coldest teams in the league, this week.  KJ is really in a tailspin, losing 4 straight.  You will still make the playoffs, though, with the teams below you barely surpassing your win total when you combine all of theirs.  You know things are going badly when you have Mark Sanchez on your bench and he outscores Philip Rivers, not that it would have mattered.  Well done Laura. 

Honorable Mention:

Barrister’s Balls, owned by our commissioner, Roger Good, er I mean, DJ.  A very respectable 144.7 this week beating, yours truly, Vandelay Industries.  I hate to give you any credit, but you were able to post the 2^nd highest point total this week with a 0 in your lineup.  You must have listened to Matthew Berry’s podcast on “deep leagues” and picked up CJ Anderson.  We all know you had never heard of him until Berry said to pick him up.  Just like a storm trooper with a weak mind, you listen to whatever Matthew Berry tells you.  Just do me a favor and don’t veto any masterful trades this year on Thanksgiving.  Fadrick, I’ll be in touch next Thursday around noon. 

The Willy Lowman:

Aleppo Faith.  The length and grueling nature of the MillerKuz FFL season may finally be getting to our newest member, Dr. Danny Fadi Grey.  His bench, with only 3 players playing and 4 on a bye, nearly outscored his starters this week.  Granted, he did have 4 players on a bye, but judging who those players were, he could have done worse.  There is some good news, Fadi, you are still in the playoff hunt with 5 wins and you do have 4 more wins than Cropcho.  The man who has changed his team name more times this year than he has wins.  Embarrassing. 

Bench Bomb:

There was not truly a real bench bomb this week, as no team’s highest bench scorer would have made a difference.  But in the interest of completing this section, Kenny Britt with 29.8, was left on Fadrick’s bench.  As previously stated, it would not have made a difference. 

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap of the Week:

Mike Evans of the Raging Polacks with an absurd 47.9 points!  Yes, the same Mike Evans who made Johnny Manziel the overhyped QB he was at Texas A&M. 

There it is ladies and gentlemen, Week 11 is complete.  What will the final 2 weeks of the season bring?  Unfortunately, nothing more than playoff positioning.  Sam, Crop and Taco are all mathematically eliminated and Sowerby pretty much is too.  Regardless, you all had horrible seasons.  The only thing Sam defended was his awful draft day decision to waste money to move up in the draft. 

I guess we saved the best for last – Taco, you’re up. Time for Vandelay Industries to go manufacture some latex.   

The Big Sandwich

Well, at least we weren’t picked last for dodgeball.  The Big Sandwich has been anxiously waiting to be chosen to pen the weekly newsletter as neither team owner is a stellar writer.  The fantasy week started for us on Thursday with the following conversation:

BS1: Hey, Ben Tate just got a touchdown.

BS2: Is he on our team?

BS1: Yes and I hope we played him.

Fantasy is more fun when your team actually does well.  

Since The Big Sandwich is rarely mentioned, let’s spend a few minutes on their matchup with the Limp Dixons.  Fortunately for us, Cropcho decided to play Nick Novak, who was on a bye, Antone Smith who score 0.3 points, and Zach Ertz with 2.7 points.  That 3 combined points for 3  starting players, while guys like Jared Cook and Jordan Matthews on the bench combining for 56.2 points not going toward his score.  Maybe he was positioning himself in case there was a tie and he would win the tie breaker based on more bench points.  As hard as it may seem to actually have 3 players score 3 total points, including one player with zero, the lowest scoring, player in this game actually belong to TBS.  Nick Novack actually out scored TBS's defense by 3 points as Carolina D put up -3 yes that a negative sign in front of the 3 not a dash.

Thanks to a text from DJ, we learned that Barrister’s Balls and Wicked of Lately had a "Battle Royale" that came down to the decimals with BB as victor by a mere 1.5 points.  Tough break for WOL who could’ve improved to a not-so-impressive 3-7 with a win.  Had there been a tie WOL would have won the game because they had more total points when all players were taken into account.  Wait a minute, just remember, the team that actually had more bad players won the tie breaker.  And thank goodness we went the decimal system this year so we don’t have to read through 37 emails motioning this and that and trying to understand lawyer speak (as two of the very few non-lawyers in the league, we prefer it simple and not having to rely on Google to make it through an email.)

Stud of the week - Barrister's Balls with 186.2. Way to go Deej. Surely you've been waiting all season for this accolade. 

Jimmy graham jock slap – a tight race this week with multiple players in the 40s but the award goes to Toner’s Boners thanks to Matt Lynch's 4 TDs and 140 yards posting 42.3 points

Willy Lowman – Just beating out Limp Dixons for the lowman of the week is Nolan United posting only 102.7 points.  Not a bad week for everyone if the lowest is still in triple digits.

Bench Bomb - Jordan Mathew's 36 points and Jared Cook 22.4 points share this weeks award cause it's not too often that the top two bench bombs are from the same team.  Thanks Limp for keeping our slim playoff hopes alive one more week.   

Next up,  Vandelay Industries

Aleppo Faith

In the name of Allah the most merciful, most the times, here is the newsletter from Aleppo Faith.

Fellow Fantasy Jihadists, I was recruited by David Miller to join your league two days prior to the draft, I was told I will be receiving a crash course, in 15 minutes, on the rules of the draft.  Draft went smoothly, as I just followed the app’s recommendations for players and the sign language of David Miller in picking my team.  That was my entire knowledge of what I needed to do, pick your team, sit back enjoy an old fashioned, and watch your team win.  Fucking Liar!!!!!  It turned out I have to “bench” players “trade” players, “Drop” players, and pretend I knew what I was doing in the process.   

To my surprise, I did Ok the first few games, until the Nolans in their newsletter called me out.  I started a player who was on BYE week, I never changed my logo, and I kept the name picked by DJ of “Aleppo Faith”.  That prompted me to start paying close attention to what I was doing, and it was downhill from there.  Yet even with my lack of football knowledge, I am doing better than, the Big Sandwich, Lobos Latinos, Wicked of Lately, and our worst team ever Limp Dixons.  

I have to wrap this up as I only have few minutes to finish, before the patient sitting in the room ,mouth wide open ,will start to notice the dentist is not in the room.

Stud of the week: Raging Polacks, Laura deserves this title not only for having the highest score, but for not listening or trading with DJ. Moreover, for making a kick ass chili.  At one point on Sunday, I recall Barrister’s Ball telling Raging Polacks: “  you have no chance of winning this week” .  well ,we all know who’s the boss of the Miller’s household. She proved him wrong, way to go Polacks!

The Willy Lowman:  For the entire season has been and will continue to be Limp Dixons.  Crop: “do you know what time football is?”  For those of you who don’t know, this is Crop’s exact words to me when I asked a simple question about football before. Way to go Crop, keep up the good work.  And Crop: أكل الخراء ويموت

Bench Bomb: I am going with Nolan’s United, 36 points from Dolphins,D/ST , VS 14 points from Seahawks.  Dunn Givashit thanks for your that decision.  Speaking of Nolans, we were told that we should ask you about Big Mac chance encounter in Vegas, which according to DJ is “Fucking Legendary” please share.

I am not sure if I followed the format as required, nor do I care.  But, I would like to end this letter with few quotes from a chain texts between Sam, DJ, Travis, E, Crop, and myself.  Enjoy

Sam to all “ I am not at mercy a-holes.  That being said. I’ve sent many ppl home in body bags.  If only Deej Knew. He’d be on rollin in $$$”

Crop to me “ do you know what time football usually starts Fadrick?”

Dj to Me “Fadi Bring me an old fashioned”

Sam to all “ Far Asia Vulterong the TD that hurts”  we still don’t know what he is trying to say

DJ to Sam “ Type in Farsi then”

Me to all “ Blame the mother fucking Syrian!!!”

DJ to all “ I’ll settle for a chest hair sandwich”

Travis to all “ Ellen Blessed Taco with a good fantasy team this week”

Travis to crop “ Crop I cant believe you had no player with more than 14 points. And only tow players with double digits”

Crop to Travis” you cant believe it? Is this the first time you’ve seen my team all year? They keep confusing fantasy football scores with golf scores”

DJ to all talking about Laura” she told me she wouldn’t trade with me if it were just the two of us in the league”

The Big Sandwich , you are up next

Toner's Boners

Boners here.  Going to try to alleviate the pressure from the previous newsletters.  I want to start by going back to Raging Polack’s Week 3 Newsletter:

“Speaking of, DJ asked me last night if I knew the only unbeaten team.  Let me guess . . . you, you asshole?”  

My how things have changed.  After starting the season 4-0, Matthew Berry disciple, and everybody’s least favorite Commish, DJ has now lost four straight weeks.  His matchup this week against yours truly was really a reflection of his season to date.  A quick start on Thursday night led by Manny Sanders matching his career numbers with the Steelers in one game with Peyton (This is a fact.  Don’t bother looking it up).  But just like this season and life, DJ peaked too early.  Through the 1 o’clock games, Commissioner Miller maintained a large lead with a Stud of the Week potential projected total.   Enter the 4 o’clock games and Michael Floyd’s inability to score.  You can’t win Stud of the Week when a starter gets shut out (or can you?).   Michael Floyd’s failures brought new life to my squad.  Almost as soon as the Sunday night game started, Randall Cobb had shifted the momentum completely in my favor.  I went on to cruise to a comfortable victory as Deej withered away just as his season is withering away.  Enough about our grey haired friend though.  Let’s talk about the ridiculous scoring that went on this week.

Stud of the Week: I’m pulling a Commish and making up a rule midseason.  Any team that puts up 200+ points automatically wins the Stud of the Week award.  Somehow we had two teams exceed this threshold this week.  Nolan United put up an absurd 205.3 points behind 30+ point performances from Forte, AB, Sammy Watkins, and Blake Bortles two touchdown passes to the Dolphins.  Nolan’s opponent, Knuckle Junction, put up 162.9 points, but still lost by 42.4.  That’s the definition of a bad beat.  Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.

Amazingly, 205.3 points was not the high score of the week.  That honor belongs to Vandelay Industries and his 206.4 points.  Cafaro was paced by Jeremy Maclin, the Gronk, ARodge, and 30 points from his D.  *Note to Commissioner: Defenses score way too many points in this league.  The most impressive aspect of this point total, however, would be the fact that he started Trent Richardson who did not play a snap in the Steelers beat down of the Colts.  Looking at his bench, he didn’t even have an option to play over Richardson.  That is, as long as you don’t consider spending $5 to drop Eric F’n Ebron a reasonable option.  

The Willy Lowman: Calvin Johnson’s Ankle.  Get it together Crop.  First off, stop blaming Megatron’s ankle.  Such a New Ken thing to do.  This week, Crop started two players that he drafted.  He has 5 players total still on the roster from his 2014 draft class.  That is astounding.  The Ankle’s starting lineup this week was a who’s who from a Christopher Harris article.   Some advice Crop.  Lay off the Deeper League Finds.  Half of his roster is the result of having the number 2 waiver position virtually all season long behind Taco who thinks a waiver pickup is an alternative way of picking up beef filled tortillas from Taco Bell.  

Speaking of Taco; he wins honorable mention Willy Lowman, which I believe is a victory in his book.  Congrats.  Taco rode Tom Brady to his moral victory.  Make sure you thank Amy (and Tom Brady’s smile).  

Jimmy Graham Jock Strap: Not sure if I’m breaking the rules here, but I’m going with Antonio Brown.  He didn’t put up the most fantasy points this week (Jeremy Maclin did), but he is currently the number 1 fantasy receiver in the league and 4th highest scorer overall.   Just an unbelievable talent.  If we redrafted today, two Steelers would undoubtedly go in the first round.  No excuse for why it took the Steelers offense this long to break out.  

Bench Bomb: Dunngiveashit played PEYTON MANNING (23.3 points) over Ben Roethlisberger (46 points).  What kind of decision is that?  Roethlisberger against Indy.  Indy’s D coming off that performance against Cincinnati.  How did you not see a 500 yard, 6 touchdown game coming?  You must be new to fantasy Travis.  Either way, he Dunngiveashit.  

Do Better Chair: I’m going with my lowest scorer for the week, aka, my first round pick, Marshawn Lynch.  3 consecutive single digit point totals.  Unacceptable.  Maybe it’s me who should have Done Better with my first round pick.  Still can’t believe you took Demaryius at 7 Polacks.  Interested in swapping first rounders.  I’ll throw in LaGarrette’s Blount to make it fair.

Alright.  That’s it from Boners.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  Your turn Fadi.  I have Faith.