Week Three - Status Quo

The real reason this week's Newsletter is late?

I've just now stopped laughing at the Nolan's performance in Week 3.

Apparently, last week's Newsletter went to their heads. I'd be lying if I said last week, as I was writing the nicest Newsletter to date, I wasn't thinking about the comedy that would come if the Nolans returned to their truer form. Luckily for me, and the rest of the league as a whole, the Nolans are no longer in first place. All is right in the world.

Word also came down this morning that the Nolans Doug (prudently) dropped the 49ers D/ST. I have a hard time believing our resident die-hard 49er's fan - Natalie - will be okay with losing 11 49er's all at once. It was inevitable, but the Nolans free-fall in the standings not-so-coincidentally coincides with our annual Nolan un-uniting. Doug: I am willing to take Colin Kaepernick off of your hands. Send me an offer. Lance Moore is available.

The Nolan's have been restored to their rightful place in the league standings and, infuriatingly, The Big Sandwich has ascended to their frustratingly normal spot atop the league standing.

So, it only took three weeks, but we're back to status quo.

Stud of the Week: Really? Again? Yes, it's true. Dunngivashit is a repeat offender. Almost half of this league has never been the Stud of the Week (you know who you are), and Travis has managed to pull it off twice in as many weeks. This week's performance, while it's not the jaw-dropping 190 total from last week, is still a more-than-respectable 144. More impressively, his bench only scored 19 points this week, 16 of which from his necessary back-up quarterback. All but Kyle Rudolph and Blair Walsh managed to put up double digits and Antonio Brown proved to all the long-time listeners, first-time callers that he is worthy of getting more targets and that his bone-head Offensive Coordinator would be better served to throw him the damn ball. Brown's 41 points came in another Steeler loss.

Travis is having a good year, but Jimmy Cafaro has to be hurting what with his hometown Steelers win-less and his train wreck of a fantasy team imploding before his very eyes. Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm sure your boy, Benny Fat Face, will save the day. Pause. Not. They're laughably terrible.

Willy Low-man of the Week: The Lowman goes to the jet-setting Boris Kochler. I’ve said it plenty of times in this Newsletter, but it’s worth repeating – Excuses are only reasons why you aren’t good at things. While BK was and/or still is overseas for a lavish Italian wedding of two American citizens. I’m not what people would describe as “cultured” mostly because I hate museums, I’ve never been to Europe and I would eat hot dogs three times a week if it were up to me. So, I can’t be sure that Italy has access to the Internet, but even if it doesn’t, BK still could have set his lineup before he left or called a friend to set it for him. Internet or no-Internet aside, his starters scored exactly 6 points more than his bench. His starting WRs combined for as many fantasy points as Luke Stipanovich, and while we’re at it, Toney Douglas’ (third-string point guard for the NBA’s New York Knickerbockers) older brother, Harry, is done starting in this league. We’re better than that. You might not be, but we are. Clean yourself up.

Bench Bomb: It’s easy just to say that literally every WR on Vandelay Industries’ bench is the bench bomb of the week. Seriously, look at his bench. It wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t true. Like I said; Train. Wreck. It’s also fun to point out that two of Boris Kochler’s benched WRs combined for 56 points, mostly because his starting WRs, as you may remember, combined for 0 points. These are worthy bench bombs, but far be it from me to deny our first ever self nomination. The Nolans (still United at time of email) sent me a note that nominated their decision to start Greg Olsen over Jordan “Jimmy Graham, Jr.” Cameron. Cameron caught three touchdowns. Greg Olsen did not. Cameron’s 30 points would have easily cinched victory for the Nolans, but when you can start a tight end who has scored 26 and 14 points respectively in the first two weeks, then you probably have to, right? Brian Hoyer aside, start Cameron. Every week.

Luck of the Sandwich: If you’re not new to this league (Boners, earmuffs) you’re well aware of the luck the Sandwich has enjoyed over the past three seasons. Brandon Pettigrew’s improbably great spot-start in a playoff game comes to mind. Well, unfortunately for the rest of us, the luck is back. TBS is atop the standings with a 3-0 record. Week three saw TBS win with the third worst point total. So for those of you who need me to hold your hand; that means only two teams scored lower than TBS, and TBS was lucky enough to be matched up against one of those two this week. It really is absurd.

Blood Feud: If anyone missed any of the emails exchanged between Amy and Taco this week, you need to stop reading this and immediately find those emails. Great entertainment. Amy was winning the battle by pointing out that Larry Fitzgerald should never be on Taco’s bench and if he hadn’t been, Taco would have won this week and been named Stud of the Week. But if TBS has all the luck, Taco has none. He is one of the esteemed second-best point totals to lose to the Stud. But, Taco got off the mat and punched back and won by TKO for pointing out that Amy not only drafted two kickers as she is wont to do, but picked two kickers WITH THE SAME BYE WEEK. There’s no coming back from that Ames. Taco may have won that exchange of electronic mail messages, but that doesn’t mean he’ll win any fantasy match ups this season. Here’s hoping…

Week Two - It Can't Last

Normally, I'm here to mock one of you for the terrible fantasy football decisions you've made this week. And, by "one of you," I obviously mean DJ.

This week I'd like to go where no newsletter has gone before. I'd like to compliment one of our team owners on borderline genius line up decision. As if it couldn't get any weirder, that team is Nolan United. So, if you're keeping score at home, I'm going to compliment the Nolans and we're going to make it through this introduction section without me mocking DJ.

Nolans: I am seriously impressed with your decision to start Michael Vick over Colin Kaepernick in Week Two of this 2013 fantasy football season.

Yes, I know the Eagles were playing the Chargers and the 49er's had the distinct displeasure of playing on the road in Seattle, but still. Kaepernick scored 33 points in his season debut. Vick posted a pedestrian 26.  Moreover, Kaepernick is a 49er. Last I checked, the Nolans don't sit 49ers.

I know you're all sitting there saying you would do exactly what the Nolans did. What you don't realize, though, is that you're all liars.

The call paid off in a big way. Vick went for 40 (in a loss) and Kaepernick pooped his pants on national television to the tune of 10 total points.

Also, the Nolans are in first place for what has to be the first time in our leagues history. Just know, Nolans, this cannot last. It will not last and I can't wait to laugh when the exact opposite of this quarterback scenario happens, but until then, enjoy the compliment.

Stud of the Week: Hide your wife, hide your kids, cause Dunn Givashit is still scoring points. 180 points is no joke and a new 2013 points record. Every single starter - with the expected exception of Jacquizz Rogers (yes, that's his real name) - scored in the double-digits. Julio Jones scored only one touchdown but still posted 42 points. I'm remembering a career-long TD reception for young Julio in there somewhere, but, as always, I can't be sure. I hope Julio enjoys carrying around Jimmy Graham's jock around this week because he certainly earned it. He also got 28 points of that Aaron Rodger's Money in the form of Randall "Corn on the" Cobb.

Antonio Brown did manage to score 11 points, which is one more than the Steelers managed to score this week. Consider this your warning, League: we are another ghastly week away from banning Steelers employees from starting lineups.

Willy Lowman of the Week: Taco has found the line of terrible and has crossed it. Again. This week's low-man and new owner of the lowest one-week point total is the Lobos Latinos and his 89 points. His bench scored only 15 points worse than his starters. On my phone, it lists players names with just their first initial and their last name and I have to admit that I had no idea who V. Brown, SD WR was. Then I looked up his stats and realized that there's a very legitimate reason why I don't know this man. He's caught exactly six passes for exactly 39 yards this season. Maybe it's time he found a spot on your bench as permanent as your place as our Lowman, Taco.

Bench Bomb of the Week: I really do love when you guys do your job for me. I woke up to a message from Boris Kochler that read "Jamblow bench bombing over Baghdad." Yes, that's actually what it said. Jamblow is Jimmy, and Boris is right. Not one, but two bench bombs this week from our large-chested owner of Vandelay Industries. VI lost a close match up to yours truly by a mere 12 points. He also left James Jones (29 points) and Gio Bernard (18 points) on his bench. Playing either of those players instead of the Shermanated Anquan Boldin or Danarius Moore (!) would have given him the win. Seriously, James, you are aware that Tyrelle Pryor is responsible for throwing the ball to Moore, right? Get your life together.

Unfathomable Amounts of Awful: Big Mac. Oh, Big Mac. What on Google Earth were you doing this week? Were you actively trying to destroy ESPN's Fantasy Site? Were you trying to make history? Is this all just a big joke? Sadly, and hysterically, I'm sure none of those ever crossed your mind. Let's take a look at Big Mac's week in fantasy: BM scored 134 points this week, narrowly losing to Boris Kochler's 139. BM's bench scored an astounding 130 points. Somehow, there are only 3 actual bench bombs on his bench. It makes more sense if you realize his bench includes two QBs behind Aaron Rodgers, which makes little sense in and of itself, but you get my point. Also, his worse player - Micheal Bush (0 points) - was on his bench and Cody Fleener wasn't going to outscore Jimmy Graham's 40 points at TE. The only way it could have been funnier is if Boris would have lost to that disaster. Because I'm feeling kind, let's look at the Silver Lining - there is a potential for your team to score 264 total points, so a few better considered decisions, and you'll get a 'W.'

Because I Can't Resist: Barrister's Balls did not have a good week. He lost to his fantasy arch nemisis, The Big Sandwich, his highest scoring player was a week-one waiver claim and he spent his early Sunday afternoon at Wholey's. (Please see DJ Quote of the Week to the right). At least Reggie Bush is healthy and Julius Thomas was in your starting lineup. Oops. Only one of those last two things are true. And we both know Reggie Bush isn't healthy. Speaking of injuries: How long until you "trade" your wife Bernard Pierce for Dez Bryant?

Week One - Welcome Back

September 5, 2013 was the day after our draft. It was also the first day of the 2013 NFL regular season. It was also that day, at 7:26pm EST, that I reveived this message:

"Already having a lineup crisis. Thomas or Sudfeld? Whomever I sit will go off. Welcome to the new season."

If you don't know who sent this, please stop reading.

You know the rest.

Our fearless commissioner sat Julian Thomas. Julian Thomas had 29 points. He started Zach Sudfeld. Zach Sudfeld had 0 points. That, my friends, is a bench bomb.

You can't make this stuff up.

Welcome to the 2013 edition of the MillerKuz Fantasy Football League Newsletter.

It may be some consolation for the Balls that even if Julian's jock-slapping performance on Thursday night had counted toward his actual total he still would have lost to this week's Stud of the Week. Probably not. But here's to silver linings.

Stud of the Week: Knuckle Junction did not reach 173 points until the fourth week of the season last year. (All statistics approximate, and more accurately, made-up hyperbole.) This week thanks to three 30+ point performers and a solid dose of luck KJ slapped up the (unofficial) third-best single week in league history. The Mouth Breathing Dummy somehow lost a game, threw three INTs and still scored 36 fantasy points. He was so bad that the Cowboys D/ST posted a 30-point opening night. So, for those keeping score at home, Eli Manning was directly responsible for 66 points toward KJ's total - the likes of which haven't been seen this side of Tim Tebow vs. Detroit Lions circa 2011.

Willy Low-Man of the Week: No stranger to the bad side of the Newsletter, Lobos Latinos posted the lowest score of the inaugural week of 2013 (105). Next time maybe you'll draft your own squad. Somehow, this isn't as much fun to write knowing that you aren't directly responsible for the train wreck we're all pretending is a real fantasy roster.

Also, a new rule is in place for the 2013 MillerKuzFFL: No owner will start a New York Jet. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Not even Chris Ivory's 5th grade piano teacher starts him in her knitting club league. There are only 12 teams in this league, if you can't find someone not on the Jets to start for your team, you just don't deserve to play. Chris Ivory, and the rest of the NY Jets are on a permanent bye week, Taco. Do the right thing.

Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap: The Sheriff, Peyton Manning. Vandelay Industry benefited hansomely in Week one from Manning's 7 TD's and 49 fantasy points. For a week at least, I won't criticize VI for taking Peyton in the third round of a 12 team draft.  Side note: two of those seven TD's were thrown to Julian Thomas, whom you may know, was on the Ball's bench.

New Additon: Toner's Boners, on behalf of all of us at the Newsletter, welcome to the league. TB had a decent first week out. He even has the dubious distinction of scoring the most points in a loss (148). There will be decisions to be made for TB down the road here as a quarterback competion seems to have broken out. Improbably, Carson Palmer's Corpse totaled 21 points - 9 more points than (S)cam Newton. Luckily for TB, that decision won't matter; he plays the artist formerly known as Taco Corp (TM) next week.

Awkward Team Photos and Abbreviations: Boris Kochler has been known to have some absurd names that make you feel weird if your grandmother or any other real adult saw a list of team names in your fantasy league. But this year he has taken it to a new level. Inexplicably, his team photo is Dick Cheney making a face that somehow simultaneously says "I don't care how much it costs, make her go away" and "I'm serious, son, don't touch my nachos." And the cherry on the top is his team abbreviation, which simply reads, XOXO. I'm just going to let that fact hang there without comment.