This week, I present yet another writing gimmick to keep me from writing a short novella about this week's action so I can, at least, pretend to be a well-adjusted, productive member of society. If only for a night.
I've used this structure in college once or twice. It's an insanely simple premise, but it will make sure I don't go on for paragraphs about how absurd it is that Marshawn Lynch finds it acceptable to declare himself sidelined at 1:02 pm EST in complete disregard of the millions of people that care more about fantasy football than the games on the field. Let us know before 1pm, Marshawn. Show some respect.
But I digress. The top five/bottom five consists of two sides - the top and the bottom. Stay with me here. The top will contain the five most entertaining/hilarious occurrences in the league this week and the bottom will detail the five worst/unfunny occurrences in the league this week. Admittedly, most things are funny to some people and not others especially in fantasy football, but I've already committed to this. We're doing it. Deal with it.
Top Five:
1. The Big Sandwich's unbelievable luck. TBS's luck literally numbs my mind. It almost doesn't make sense. Cedric Benson (Cin) was on a bye and so was Kendall Hunter (SF). Side note: How many useless 49'ers RB's do I have to deal with this year? At least Anthony Dixon is out of the league and my life. Anyway, because of those two byes, TBS was forced to play rookie Cowboys' RB, Demarco Murray. All Murray did was take his first carry 91 yards to the 21-point-play house. From there he merely scampered for a franchise record 253 yards and a rookie fantasy record of 39 points. Not sure if that's actually a rookie fantasy record, but I'm going to go with it. Sounds plausible.
2. Dunn Giveashit's new team logo. The Gronk dunn givashit either, and for that, we applaud him. Dunn Giveashit is also, as far as I can remember, the first second-highest week total to lose to the Stud of the Week (TBS, naturally). In other words, had the DG's been playing anyone else this week, he would have won, but instead, he was stuck playing TBS, so he lost - by nine points.
3. The Nolans breaking the 100 point barrier in an otherwise bad fantasy week. Despite playing Damien Williams, who, before typing his name, I had never even heard of previously. Needless to say, he scored 0 points. But Arian Foster woke up from his nightmare of a season and ran for 100 yards as well as going for another 100 yards through the air. And, by the way, he also scored three touchdowns. Good for 48 points. Big Ben also proved why you should never sit him in favor of Mark Sanchez recording 31 points. Big week for the Nolans.
4. Vandelay Industries RB atrocity. VI started three RB's. Ray Rice, Darren McFadden and the aforementioned Marshawn Lynch combined for 4 total points. This would normally go in a bottom five, but its funny and entertaining for everyone because VI still managed to win his Week 7 match up by 13 points. Okay, so it's funny for everyone except The Big Mac Attack.
5. Barrister's Balls and Jimmy Graham. Jimmy Graham scoring 17 points in an epic blowout of the Colts is not, funny, entertaining or even out of the ordinary, but when you couple it with the BB owner's comments about said 17-point performance it at least is good for a chuckle. In a semi-rant proclaiming Jimmy Graham's greatness, DJ actually said the following: "Yeah, good thing Jimmy Graham is just jock-slapping everyone." The context of a recently new father screaming that walking out the door of a professional institution of higher learning makes it all the better.
Bottom Five:
1. William Wallace's point total - or lack thereof. WW recorded 55 points this week. That is the lowest total score since George Filopolopolous dropped 43 points on the final week of last season. (For those curious, the lowest total ever recorded in our league thus far is 42 - ironically last year's Week 6 total from The Big Sandwich.) WW had 47 points going into the Monday night game with Joe Flacco still to play. Unfortunately for WW and the general Baltimore area residents, Joe Flacco forgot he was supposed to play last night. He had only 8 points. Not the lowest starting QB total in our league this week. Thumbs up to the Hump for Matt Hasselbeck's 6 points.
2. Injuries everywhere. Tim Hightower, RIP. Santana Moss, out 5-7 weeks. Beanie Wells, out 2 weeks. Darren McFadden, injured. Matt Stafford, injured again. Jahvid Best, concussed. Willis McGahee, out 1-2 weeks. That's just some decently relevant fantasy players I could think of off the top of my head. Injuries and byes are forcing some questionable starts from all of us. The worst of which is Knuckle Junction being forced to go back to Knowshon Moreno last week. I'll also be forced to use him this week. Unfunny.
3. Bench Bomb of the Week. This is a bottom five item for the Hump, but really it could easily be a top five item for the rest of us, especially the Barrister's Balls. At any rate, this week's bench bomb goes to the Hump for inexplicably leaving Plaxico Buress on his bench electing instead to start Greg Little. Greg Little earned 3 points. Plaxico only had four catches for 25 yards, but three of those four catches were touchdowns. Plaxico totaled 20 points. If the Hump had put in Plax, he would have beaten the BB's by 7 points. God bless fantasy football.
4. Playoff standings. Places 4th through 8th are log jammed at 4-3. There are five teams potentially one loss away from being on the outside of the playoff picture looking in. It is not a place anyone wants to be. Its like walking on egg shells if there were hundreds of dollars and personal pride at stake. Things are getting tight in the middle. Stay tuned, every win counts.
5. The Big Mac Attack's week total. Not only did BMA record the second-lowest score this week (69), but to the extreme displeasure of our commissioner, BMA refuses to trade Tom Brady or Cam Newton. Cam Newton, in BMA's defense, is the only player who scored real points this week for his squad and Tom Brady was on a bye. But, the problem with your QB's being your best two players is that you can't play them both. Just some food for thought, BMA.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Week 6 - Contenders and Pretenders
We have a new addition to the league this week. Her name is Marlo Isabella Miller, she sleeps 16 hours a day and requires a diaper-change almost once an hour. She was born 10/11/11, four days later than expected. Mom maintains that Marlo delayed her own birth because the baby was afraid that Dad would try to trade her for the likes of Matthew Stafford and/or Cam Newton. Fortunately for the child, and everyone involved, no such deal has been made (yet).
We hope someday Marlo is a full-fledged member of the league, or at the very least helps her father get out of his own way. As for the current members of the league, this week, each team is grouped into one of two categories: Contenders or Pretenders. Since this is (kind of) the half way point of the regular season, we'll give our thoughts on where teams stand.
To clarify, in order to be considered a Contender a team would have to be, in the opinion of our crack staff here at the Newsletter, in contention for a spot in the money at the end of the year. A Pretender, conversely, is, again in our unbiased opinion, not in contention to win any money. Winning money, for those unsure, would require a team to finish in the top three in overall point production after all 17 weeks or finish as the Playoff champion or runner-up.
As always, if you're offended by which category your team landed in, save it. I don't care. And, remember, excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things. Be better.
The teams in each category appear in no particular order. And away we go...
Pretenders:
William Wallace - Jahvid Best can only win you so many match ups, and since he is currently concussed for the second time this season and the (approximately) 23rd time in his college/professional career, it seems like he won't be scampering for too many more 88-yard touchdowns. At 1-5 WW is in serious jeopardy of not even making the playoffs. Also, WW is third-from-the-bottom in total point production thus far. Hey, but at least WW was the Stud of the Week once this year. Baby steps, Taco, baby steps. But, really, Anthony Dixon...still?
The Big Mac Attack - The Miami Dolphins are 0-6. The BMA is 1-5. The two may not seem to be related, but consider this: The BMA utilizes not one, but two, Dolphin offensive "weapons." Reggie Bush's 36 yard run last night was his longest since last year, and Brandon Marshall has a borderline personality disorder. I'm just saying...think about it. Also, the re-occurring Bench Bomb that is Tom Brady/Cam Newton continues to be the elephant in the league. How 'bout considering flipping one of those QB's for some legitimate RB's and/or WR's. Again, just think about it.
George Filopolopolous - At 1-5, GF is probably a Tom Brady away from 5-1. Well, that's probably not true, but GF is the unfortunate recipient of some bad luck - the bizarro Hump, as it were. GF's opponents have outscored GF by over a hundred points. That, however, doesn't change the fact that GF is 1-5 with hopes of the playoffs fading like Donovan McNabb's career - quickly.
Wicked of Lately - The second member of the Pakrafter-Tardiff household on the Pretender side of the list. Sad days on Larkin's Way. In fact, GF owns the single-worst week point total (57: Week 3) and WL owns the second-worst week point total (64: Week 6). Drew Brees is the only player for WL consistently producing points and now, Felix Jones is injured as well. We appreciate WL's grinding on the Wavier Wire - can't knock the hustle - but unfortunately, it doesn't look like WL stands much chance to win any money at 2-4 and standing squarely in the second-to-last slot on the points production ladder.
Nolan United - Settle down, Nolans, hear me out. At 3-3 I'll agree that the Playoffs aren't out of the question, in fact, if the Playoffs started today, you'd be the No. 8 seed, so there's hope. Just not a lot. As for point-production money, the Nolans have about as much chance as winning money for total points as I do of being America's Next Top Model. Also, the Nolans are dead last in total point production thus far and 176 points from taking the lead. So, money for point-production is completely out of the question. The Playoffs are possible, but running the table three straight weeks after they begin, remains a long shot.
Contenders:
Barrister's Balls - Dear, BB. Please stop sending me email's that read, in its unedited entirety, "Lance Kendricks is also available." That is not helpful to anyone. Instead, BB should be concentrating his efforts on trading with someone who is actually interested, which, in all fairness, seems to be no one. So there's that. Regardless of the trade-offer antics, BB finds himself in third place in both the overall standings and overall points. Not too shabby. Are you sure you need a trade?
Vandelay Industries - Behind the second-best RB1 and RB2 combo in the league, the defending champion has roared back from his 0-2 start. Ray Rice and Run DMC are doing some serious work for VI. VI is also fifth in total points, which puts him in contention for some total-point cash dollars. Not that he needs it after his win in both the Playoff bracket and total-points last year. Also, the name changes, in all its irrational glory, seemed to work. One last additional question: True or False, your chest is bigger than that of any player on your fantasy roster?
Chester Humpley - Haters gon' hate, but The Hump continues to win games and score points. CH is sixth in overall points and only 61 points away from third place, which is attainable. He has produced at least 100 points in all but two weeks. For those of you clamoring that his luck will run out, it very well might. But, does it have to? Absolutely not. We, as a collective league, could be in for one year-long Hump. Who knows? All I know is that at 5-1 it would take some pretty terrible luck and overall incompetence not to make the playoffs at this point, which I think we can all agree isn't out of the question, but it's a long shot.
Whore Hands - Currently WH is just outside of the total point-production money in fourth place, which is where he also finds himself in the overall standings. The Pirates season (mercifully) ended some time ago, so WH's sporting attention has been placed entirely on his fantasy football team, which is a good thing for him and a bad thing for the rest of us seeing that Wes Welker is well on his way to amassing 2,000 total yards and (approximately) 13 50+ yard touchdowns.
Knuckle Junction - The most consistent scorer in the league. KJ is the only team in the league to score at least 100 points in every week. Yeah, I've lost 3 times. Awesome. I might be 3-3, but I've managed to post the second-highest points-for total (707), only 15 points off the lead. Led by the best RB's in the league and a whole mess of awful QB's, KJ is not the team you want to see in a match up anytime soon. Unless, of course your George Filopolopolous and you play me next week when both Shady McCoy and Fred "Best Pick of the Draft" Jackson are on byes.
Dunn Giveashit - DG may seem to be on the down swing, posting only 79 points in each of the last two weeks, but it's hard to argue with 4-2 making the playoffs at this point of the season especially when so many teams are 1-5. Other than Frank Gore, there are some serious problems at RB, namely, the starting RB formerly known as Tim Hightower and Marion Barber. DG might be the wobbliest of Contenders, but to this point, all hope is not lost.
The Big Sandwich - TBS has been the leader in points (722) from the first snap with no signs of slowing down yet. TBS has also been the leader in the overall standings in all but one week when the undefeated Hump reigned supreme. Aaron Rodgers is averaging 30.2 points per week. 30 points a week. That's beyond description, even for me. If and when Cedric Benson ever gets suspended for his latest infraction which escapes me at the moment but probably has something to do with hitting a woman, organizing a drug deal or general debauchery, TBS will have a hole in his roster big enough for Bam Bam Morris to run through. Things could get interesting.
Fact I Found Doing Research That I Had To Pass Along:
There are two teams that have not added a single player to their roster since the draft. That, as we all know, saves those individuals the cost of doing business. Quite literally. Those two teams are The Big Mac Attack and William Wallace. Saving money might seem like a good strategy, but only if you have a good draft. Their collective 2-10 record would indicate neither of them had such a draft, but to each their own, right?
We hope someday Marlo is a full-fledged member of the league, or at the very least helps her father get out of his own way. As for the current members of the league, this week, each team is grouped into one of two categories: Contenders or Pretenders. Since this is (kind of) the half way point of the regular season, we'll give our thoughts on where teams stand.
To clarify, in order to be considered a Contender a team would have to be, in the opinion of our crack staff here at the Newsletter, in contention for a spot in the money at the end of the year. A Pretender, conversely, is, again in our unbiased opinion, not in contention to win any money. Winning money, for those unsure, would require a team to finish in the top three in overall point production after all 17 weeks or finish as the Playoff champion or runner-up.
As always, if you're offended by which category your team landed in, save it. I don't care. And, remember, excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things. Be better.
The teams in each category appear in no particular order. And away we go...
Pretenders:
William Wallace - Jahvid Best can only win you so many match ups, and since he is currently concussed for the second time this season and the (approximately) 23rd time in his college/professional career, it seems like he won't be scampering for too many more 88-yard touchdowns. At 1-5 WW is in serious jeopardy of not even making the playoffs. Also, WW is third-from-the-bottom in total point production thus far. Hey, but at least WW was the Stud of the Week once this year. Baby steps, Taco, baby steps. But, really, Anthony Dixon...still?
The Big Mac Attack - The Miami Dolphins are 0-6. The BMA is 1-5. The two may not seem to be related, but consider this: The BMA utilizes not one, but two, Dolphin offensive "weapons." Reggie Bush's 36 yard run last night was his longest since last year, and Brandon Marshall has a borderline personality disorder. I'm just saying...think about it. Also, the re-occurring Bench Bomb that is Tom Brady/Cam Newton continues to be the elephant in the league. How 'bout considering flipping one of those QB's for some legitimate RB's and/or WR's. Again, just think about it.
George Filopolopolous - At 1-5, GF is probably a Tom Brady away from 5-1. Well, that's probably not true, but GF is the unfortunate recipient of some bad luck - the bizarro Hump, as it were. GF's opponents have outscored GF by over a hundred points. That, however, doesn't change the fact that GF is 1-5 with hopes of the playoffs fading like Donovan McNabb's career - quickly.
Wicked of Lately - The second member of the Pakrafter-Tardiff household on the Pretender side of the list. Sad days on Larkin's Way. In fact, GF owns the single-worst week point total (57: Week 3) and WL owns the second-worst week point total (64: Week 6). Drew Brees is the only player for WL consistently producing points and now, Felix Jones is injured as well. We appreciate WL's grinding on the Wavier Wire - can't knock the hustle - but unfortunately, it doesn't look like WL stands much chance to win any money at 2-4 and standing squarely in the second-to-last slot on the points production ladder.
Nolan United - Settle down, Nolans, hear me out. At 3-3 I'll agree that the Playoffs aren't out of the question, in fact, if the Playoffs started today, you'd be the No. 8 seed, so there's hope. Just not a lot. As for point-production money, the Nolans have about as much chance as winning money for total points as I do of being America's Next Top Model. Also, the Nolans are dead last in total point production thus far and 176 points from taking the lead. So, money for point-production is completely out of the question. The Playoffs are possible, but running the table three straight weeks after they begin, remains a long shot.
Contenders:
Barrister's Balls - Dear, BB. Please stop sending me email's that read, in its unedited entirety, "Lance Kendricks is also available." That is not helpful to anyone. Instead, BB should be concentrating his efforts on trading with someone who is actually interested, which, in all fairness, seems to be no one. So there's that. Regardless of the trade-offer antics, BB finds himself in third place in both the overall standings and overall points. Not too shabby. Are you sure you need a trade?
Vandelay Industries - Behind the second-best RB1 and RB2 combo in the league, the defending champion has roared back from his 0-2 start. Ray Rice and Run DMC are doing some serious work for VI. VI is also fifth in total points, which puts him in contention for some total-point cash dollars. Not that he needs it after his win in both the Playoff bracket and total-points last year. Also, the name changes, in all its irrational glory, seemed to work. One last additional question: True or False, your chest is bigger than that of any player on your fantasy roster?
Chester Humpley - Haters gon' hate, but The Hump continues to win games and score points. CH is sixth in overall points and only 61 points away from third place, which is attainable. He has produced at least 100 points in all but two weeks. For those of you clamoring that his luck will run out, it very well might. But, does it have to? Absolutely not. We, as a collective league, could be in for one year-long Hump. Who knows? All I know is that at 5-1 it would take some pretty terrible luck and overall incompetence not to make the playoffs at this point, which I think we can all agree isn't out of the question, but it's a long shot.
Whore Hands - Currently WH is just outside of the total point-production money in fourth place, which is where he also finds himself in the overall standings. The Pirates season (mercifully) ended some time ago, so WH's sporting attention has been placed entirely on his fantasy football team, which is a good thing for him and a bad thing for the rest of us seeing that Wes Welker is well on his way to amassing 2,000 total yards and (approximately) 13 50+ yard touchdowns.
Knuckle Junction - The most consistent scorer in the league. KJ is the only team in the league to score at least 100 points in every week. Yeah, I've lost 3 times. Awesome. I might be 3-3, but I've managed to post the second-highest points-for total (707), only 15 points off the lead. Led by the best RB's in the league and a whole mess of awful QB's, KJ is not the team you want to see in a match up anytime soon. Unless, of course your George Filopolopolous and you play me next week when both Shady McCoy and Fred "Best Pick of the Draft" Jackson are on byes.
Dunn Giveashit - DG may seem to be on the down swing, posting only 79 points in each of the last two weeks, but it's hard to argue with 4-2 making the playoffs at this point of the season especially when so many teams are 1-5. Other than Frank Gore, there are some serious problems at RB, namely, the starting RB formerly known as Tim Hightower and Marion Barber. DG might be the wobbliest of Contenders, but to this point, all hope is not lost.
The Big Sandwich - TBS has been the leader in points (722) from the first snap with no signs of slowing down yet. TBS has also been the leader in the overall standings in all but one week when the undefeated Hump reigned supreme. Aaron Rodgers is averaging 30.2 points per week. 30 points a week. That's beyond description, even for me. If and when Cedric Benson ever gets suspended for his latest infraction which escapes me at the moment but probably has something to do with hitting a woman, organizing a drug deal or general debauchery, TBS will have a hole in his roster big enough for Bam Bam Morris to run through. Things could get interesting.
Fact I Found Doing Research That I Had To Pass Along:
There are two teams that have not added a single player to their roster since the draft. That, as we all know, saves those individuals the cost of doing business. Quite literally. Those two teams are The Big Mac Attack and William Wallace. Saving money might seem like a good strategy, but only if you have a good draft. Their collective 2-10 record would indicate neither of them had such a draft, but to each their own, right?
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Week 5 - Today, Redemption is Spelled, T-A-C-O
If you remember, Week 4 saw 10 teams score in the triple digits. Week 5 saw only five teams score in triple digits. The only logical explanation for this drop off in league-wide production is the beginning of the bye week. That, and the fact that as a league we started the likes of Jason Campbell, Dexter McCluster and LaRod Stephens-Howling - just to name a few.
Yes, Knowshon Moreno did score a touchdown. That was real. He has now boosted his season average to 2.8 points/week. And yes, I still hate him.
As for the rest of the news in the league this week...
The Stud of the Week - William Wallace. No, this is not a typo or an elaborate joke. This is real life. Taco's team finally showed its draft-day potential this week netting a league-high total of 121 points. Jahvid Best simultaneously shredded the Bears defense and what's left of my soul Monday night running for a career-high 163 yards including an 88-yard touchdown scamper that derailed my inspired Calvin-Johnson-led comeback and ultimately won the week for WW. That was the first 100-yard game and the highest fantasy total of Best's career. Go figure.
The most puzzling result of the week: Eli Manning. Eli might have thrown for three touchdowns and 420 yards, but he also threw three interceptions, fumbled twice and lost to the Seahawks in his home stadium. How on Earth does that warrant 31 points? There are some serious flaws with the scoring. And, yes, I may be a little bitter. I can't be certain, but I think this is WW's first appearance as the Stud of the Week. Congrats, Caleb. It's been a long time coming.
Honorable Mention - Vandalay Industries. The reigning champ got serious contributions from Marshawn Lynch and David Bowie this week. I wasn't even sure if Lynch was still in the league. I thought he just retired after that playoff run against the Saints last year. Good for him, though. After starting 0-3, VI is slowly climbing out of that hole with two straight wins. He also started two Steelers this week - Issac Redman and Heath Miller, which means Jim is going to buy into this coincidence and talk exclusively in his all-too-good yinzer accent for the rest of the season.
The Willy Lowman of the Week - When you're kicker is the second-highest scorer on your team for a given week, there's a good chance you'll end up on the wrong side of the Newsletter. Thus is the case for this week's Lowman - George Filopolopolous who managed only 72 points. All but three of her players (Phillip Rivers, Michael Turner and Stephen Gostkowski) recorded only single-digit totals. Peyton Manning is still not playing which makes the seven combined points from Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne not at all surprising. The only Colts scoring points are Curtis Painter and Pierre Garcon.
Other than Stafford's 18 points, GF's bench only recorded five points, so there's not much that can be done to improve the situation at this point. No one wants to see a team go 0-13, but GF is making a serious run at it. Not only is her team not great, but she leads the league in Points Against (593).
A wise fictional man once told me (and the millions of others who watched the film) that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." So, there's that.
Honorable Mention(s) - Another tie. The Big Mac Attack and Wicked of Lately both tallied 74 points. These two are getting all too comfortable on this side of the Newsletter. For Wicked of Lately, Antonio Brown was the only Steeler that didn't catch a touchdown this week and LT is still old. The WL bench only mustered nine points as well, which gets even worse when you consider that eight of those points came from two bench defenses. So, excluding useless back-up D/ST points and with bye weeks WL's bench only has one additional point. Again, hope is a good thing.
The Big Mac Attack committed one of the most egregious non-moves of this fantasy season. It has been reported to the Newsletter than BMA had been talking about starting (S)Cam Newton in favor of Tom Brady. Apparently, he couldn't go through with that gutsy move because Tom Brady and his haircut started this week for his squad. But, had Newton started as his owner had said he would, BMA would have won his match up with Dunn Givashit by one point. Although, the two zeros posted in the RB2 and Flex positions didn't help much either.
Obligatory Kicker Fact:
In case you hadn't noticed, there are no longer any undefeated teams left in the league. The previously undefeated Chester Humpley lost to the Big Sandwich thanks in large part to the left foot of Sebastian Janikowski. The bald Pollack kicked three field goals through the uprights from 50+ yards out and another from 42 yards. His final box score: 4/4 (50, 54, 55 and 42) FGs and 1/1XP - good for 22 fantasy points. Twenty-two points is tied for the 20th best total on the week. From a kicker.
Pregnant Wives Making Poor Decisions:
I had the great pleasure of seeing both the Nolans and the MillerKuz's this Sunday at the Steeler game. It was there that I was informed that both teams made terrible decisions at QB for this week. The MillerKuz's went with the emotional pick, Jason Campbell, instead of Curtis Painter. The Nolans, even more egregiously, started Mark Sanchez in favor of Ben "Five-Touchdowns" Roethlisberger. I was later told that both wives made those decisions and the husbands obliged. Now, whether that is the truth or not, I'll leave each of you to decide. I just report what I'm told. Only nerds fact-check. The lesson, as always: if you make a mistake in fantasy (or in life), blame it on your wife.
Bench Bomb of the Week:
Where bench points are worse than no points. This week the Bomb goes to Whore Hands for benching the Law Firm - Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis. Can't really fault the Hands here because the Jets were supposed to be good against the run. But, Plaxico Burress was suppose to be able to catch footballs still too, so really, who knows. Twenty-seven points is a lot, but when Adrian Peterson is running through Cardinal defenders for three touchdowns and over 100 yards, it really doesn't matter much. But a bomb is a bomb.
Yes, Knowshon Moreno did score a touchdown. That was real. He has now boosted his season average to 2.8 points/week. And yes, I still hate him.
As for the rest of the news in the league this week...
The Stud of the Week - William Wallace. No, this is not a typo or an elaborate joke. This is real life. Taco's team finally showed its draft-day potential this week netting a league-high total of 121 points. Jahvid Best simultaneously shredded the Bears defense and what's left of my soul Monday night running for a career-high 163 yards including an 88-yard touchdown scamper that derailed my inspired Calvin-Johnson-led comeback and ultimately won the week for WW. That was the first 100-yard game and the highest fantasy total of Best's career. Go figure.
The most puzzling result of the week: Eli Manning. Eli might have thrown for three touchdowns and 420 yards, but he also threw three interceptions, fumbled twice and lost to the Seahawks in his home stadium. How on Earth does that warrant 31 points? There are some serious flaws with the scoring. And, yes, I may be a little bitter. I can't be certain, but I think this is WW's first appearance as the Stud of the Week. Congrats, Caleb. It's been a long time coming.
Honorable Mention - Vandalay Industries. The reigning champ got serious contributions from Marshawn Lynch and David Bowie this week. I wasn't even sure if Lynch was still in the league. I thought he just retired after that playoff run against the Saints last year. Good for him, though. After starting 0-3, VI is slowly climbing out of that hole with two straight wins. He also started two Steelers this week - Issac Redman and Heath Miller, which means Jim is going to buy into this coincidence and talk exclusively in his all-too-good yinzer accent for the rest of the season.
The Willy Lowman of the Week - When you're kicker is the second-highest scorer on your team for a given week, there's a good chance you'll end up on the wrong side of the Newsletter. Thus is the case for this week's Lowman - George Filopolopolous who managed only 72 points. All but three of her players (Phillip Rivers, Michael Turner and Stephen Gostkowski) recorded only single-digit totals. Peyton Manning is still not playing which makes the seven combined points from Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne not at all surprising. The only Colts scoring points are Curtis Painter and Pierre Garcon.
Other than Stafford's 18 points, GF's bench only recorded five points, so there's not much that can be done to improve the situation at this point. No one wants to see a team go 0-13, but GF is making a serious run at it. Not only is her team not great, but she leads the league in Points Against (593).
A wise fictional man once told me (and the millions of others who watched the film) that "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." So, there's that.
Honorable Mention(s) - Another tie. The Big Mac Attack and Wicked of Lately both tallied 74 points. These two are getting all too comfortable on this side of the Newsletter. For Wicked of Lately, Antonio Brown was the only Steeler that didn't catch a touchdown this week and LT is still old. The WL bench only mustered nine points as well, which gets even worse when you consider that eight of those points came from two bench defenses. So, excluding useless back-up D/ST points and with bye weeks WL's bench only has one additional point. Again, hope is a good thing.
The Big Mac Attack committed one of the most egregious non-moves of this fantasy season. It has been reported to the Newsletter than BMA had been talking about starting (S)Cam Newton in favor of Tom Brady. Apparently, he couldn't go through with that gutsy move because Tom Brady and his haircut started this week for his squad. But, had Newton started as his owner had said he would, BMA would have won his match up with Dunn Givashit by one point. Although, the two zeros posted in the RB2 and Flex positions didn't help much either.
Obligatory Kicker Fact:
In case you hadn't noticed, there are no longer any undefeated teams left in the league. The previously undefeated Chester Humpley lost to the Big Sandwich thanks in large part to the left foot of Sebastian Janikowski. The bald Pollack kicked three field goals through the uprights from 50+ yards out and another from 42 yards. His final box score: 4/4 (50, 54, 55 and 42) FGs and 1/1XP - good for 22 fantasy points. Twenty-two points is tied for the 20th best total on the week. From a kicker.
Pregnant Wives Making Poor Decisions:
I had the great pleasure of seeing both the Nolans and the MillerKuz's this Sunday at the Steeler game. It was there that I was informed that both teams made terrible decisions at QB for this week. The MillerKuz's went with the emotional pick, Jason Campbell, instead of Curtis Painter. The Nolans, even more egregiously, started Mark Sanchez in favor of Ben "Five-Touchdowns" Roethlisberger. I was later told that both wives made those decisions and the husbands obliged. Now, whether that is the truth or not, I'll leave each of you to decide. I just report what I'm told. Only nerds fact-check. The lesson, as always: if you make a mistake in fantasy (or in life), blame it on your wife.
Bench Bomb of the Week:
Where bench points are worse than no points. This week the Bomb goes to Whore Hands for benching the Law Firm - Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis. Can't really fault the Hands here because the Jets were supposed to be good against the run. But, Plaxico Burress was suppose to be able to catch footballs still too, so really, who knows. Twenty-seven points is a lot, but when Adrian Peterson is running through Cardinal defenders for three touchdowns and over 100 yards, it really doesn't matter much. But a bomb is a bomb.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Week Four - 50-Point Players, Injuries and Black French Guys
For those keeping score at home, Knowshon Moreno is now the 74th best fantasy RB. He is averaging one point per week. His season total is four. I will now go eat razor blades and pencil shavings.
Enough about me, though. We'll go back to the original format because I only have so much creativity in me. I hope that is agreeable. If it's not, too bad. You'll read it and you'll like it.
Let's get into the Newsletter for Week Four:
Stud(s) of the Week - We have a tie. The Big Sandwich and The Barrister's Balls. DJ was displeased this morning when he found out that he TIED for the Stud of the Week. He quickly found out that it was the fault of both Ahmad Bradshaw and Santana Moss each came up one yard short of another point (both had 39 yards and a TD). One more yard from either of them, and he'd be the lone Stud. That might be as close as he comes to being our Stud for any week.
Also, the perpetual Stud, TBS, had a huge week from Aaron Rodgers who decided to drop half-a-hundred (+1) on everyone. Rodgers threw for 408 yards and two touchdowns. Also, he ran for two touchdowns. He's everything Mike Vick owners expected him to be...and then some. He did, however, throw an interception, so shame on him. It's also worth noting that Matt Forte and Rodgers alone (both owned by TBS) came within one point (81) of matching the total of our Willy Lowman of the Week (82).
Honorable Mention - Speaking of Mike Vick, Chester Humpley put up a respectable 134 this week. Hater's gon' hate, but Chester just keeps humping along and winning match ups. Vick finally showed up fantasy-wise with 34 points. It's unfortunate for the Eagles that he didn't show up losing-to-the-49'ers-wise, though. It's getting marginally difficult to argue with four wins on the young season. Well, it isn't too hard yet considering he still owns the lowest points-against total. But don't be surprised if The Hump steam rolls your team at any point this season. He's capable of putting up some decent totals as this week indicates. You've been warned. So don't blame me when you, like George Filopolopolous this week, get Humped.
The Willy Lowman of the Week - There were lots of points to be had this week. It produced 10 triple-digit totals in the MillerKuz league. Unfortunately for two teams on the bad side of the Newsletter, they account for the other two teams.
First, The Willy Lowman welcomes the Nolans back to the party. We're not much for excuses here at the Newsletter. Excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things. That having been said, the Nolans continue to be ravaged by injuries. The good news: Arian Foster is back. The bad news: Andre Johnson is gone. You really stood no chance this week as we've already chronicled the adventures of The Big Sandwich and Aaron Rodgers, but I am proud that Davone Bess was squarely where he needed to be - on the bench. Keep working that waiver wire and if you need a 49er to soothe your Andre Johnson pain, look no further than Michael Crabtree. Have your people contact my people.
Honorable Mention - The other sub-100 performer, Wicked of Lately. Drew Brees and Vincent Jackson performed honorably, but Jackson's total (23) equaled the total put up by Felix Jones, Mark Ingram, Nate Washington, and Antonio Brown combined. WL's bench was quite miserable as well, so good luck with alllllll that.
Obligatory Kicker Fact:
Jason Hanson, the best fantasy kicker to date this year, averages more points (13.5) than all but NINE running backs in all of fantasy football. Just some food for thought. Also, DJ, I hate you.
Is He Black or French? Doesn't Matter. He's Running All Over the Place:
He's actually black and french. Neither of which matters as much as his performance last night. We were three points away from Pierre Garcon completing the most ridiculous comeback in the history of this league. He caught two passes. He scored two touchdowns. He totaled 39 fantasy points.
We were literally three points away from this Newsletter containing nothing but the words "Pierre Garcon" for 12 paragraphs. We were also three points away from Whore Hands quitting his job, dropping out of the league and living in an abandoned school bus somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness.
Biggest Bench Bomb:
I sat a previously-injured Beanie Wells in a fit of rationality. I also missed a career day from Beanie Wells. Literally. He had a career high in yards (138) and a career high in touchdowns (3). Awesome. Bench points are worse than zero points. Those 32 points will haunt my dreams and nightmares. Mostly nightmares. It was, however, much easier to swallow after Sunday night when Shonn Greene, Wells' replacement, carried the ball 10 times for 23 yards. See, that previous sentence is why they tell you not to believe everything on the Internet. I hate fantasy football.
Enough about me, though. We'll go back to the original format because I only have so much creativity in me. I hope that is agreeable. If it's not, too bad. You'll read it and you'll like it.
Let's get into the Newsletter for Week Four:
Stud(s) of the Week - We have a tie. The Big Sandwich and The Barrister's Balls. DJ was displeased this morning when he found out that he TIED for the Stud of the Week. He quickly found out that it was the fault of both Ahmad Bradshaw and Santana Moss each came up one yard short of another point (both had 39 yards and a TD). One more yard from either of them, and he'd be the lone Stud. That might be as close as he comes to being our Stud for any week.
Also, the perpetual Stud, TBS, had a huge week from Aaron Rodgers who decided to drop half-a-hundred (+1) on everyone. Rodgers threw for 408 yards and two touchdowns. Also, he ran for two touchdowns. He's everything Mike Vick owners expected him to be...and then some. He did, however, throw an interception, so shame on him. It's also worth noting that Matt Forte and Rodgers alone (both owned by TBS) came within one point (81) of matching the total of our Willy Lowman of the Week (82).
Honorable Mention - Speaking of Mike Vick, Chester Humpley put up a respectable 134 this week. Hater's gon' hate, but Chester just keeps humping along and winning match ups. Vick finally showed up fantasy-wise with 34 points. It's unfortunate for the Eagles that he didn't show up losing-to-the-49'ers-wise, though. It's getting marginally difficult to argue with four wins on the young season. Well, it isn't too hard yet considering he still owns the lowest points-against total. But don't be surprised if The Hump steam rolls your team at any point this season. He's capable of putting up some decent totals as this week indicates. You've been warned. So don't blame me when you, like George Filopolopolous this week, get Humped.
The Willy Lowman of the Week - There were lots of points to be had this week. It produced 10 triple-digit totals in the MillerKuz league. Unfortunately for two teams on the bad side of the Newsletter, they account for the other two teams.
First, The Willy Lowman welcomes the Nolans back to the party. We're not much for excuses here at the Newsletter. Excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things. That having been said, the Nolans continue to be ravaged by injuries. The good news: Arian Foster is back. The bad news: Andre Johnson is gone. You really stood no chance this week as we've already chronicled the adventures of The Big Sandwich and Aaron Rodgers, but I am proud that Davone Bess was squarely where he needed to be - on the bench. Keep working that waiver wire and if you need a 49er to soothe your Andre Johnson pain, look no further than Michael Crabtree. Have your people contact my people.
Honorable Mention - The other sub-100 performer, Wicked of Lately. Drew Brees and Vincent Jackson performed honorably, but Jackson's total (23) equaled the total put up by Felix Jones, Mark Ingram, Nate Washington, and Antonio Brown combined. WL's bench was quite miserable as well, so good luck with alllllll that.
Obligatory Kicker Fact:
Jason Hanson, the best fantasy kicker to date this year, averages more points (13.5) than all but NINE running backs in all of fantasy football. Just some food for thought. Also, DJ, I hate you.
Is He Black or French? Doesn't Matter. He's Running All Over the Place:
He's actually black and french. Neither of which matters as much as his performance last night. We were three points away from Pierre Garcon completing the most ridiculous comeback in the history of this league. He caught two passes. He scored two touchdowns. He totaled 39 fantasy points.
We were literally three points away from this Newsletter containing nothing but the words "Pierre Garcon" for 12 paragraphs. We were also three points away from Whore Hands quitting his job, dropping out of the league and living in an abandoned school bus somewhere in the Alaskan wilderness.
Biggest Bench Bomb:
I sat a previously-injured Beanie Wells in a fit of rationality. I also missed a career day from Beanie Wells. Literally. He had a career high in yards (138) and a career high in touchdowns (3). Awesome. Bench points are worse than zero points. Those 32 points will haunt my dreams and nightmares. Mostly nightmares. It was, however, much easier to swallow after Sunday night when Shonn Greene, Wells' replacement, carried the ball 10 times for 23 yards. See, that previous sentence is why they tell you not to believe everything on the Internet. I hate fantasy football.
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