Week One - Fuck Everything

This league is in it's fifth year of existence.

So far, I'll remember this fifth year as the year that a casual "Fuck You" was no longer acceptable during our annual draft party.

Seriously, five years ago this league was child-less. Now, there are approximately 14 children under the age of four at each league function. Don't get me wrong. I love all of your children, but if I can't yell "Fuck You" at Travis for picking Julio Jones one spot in front of me, then I just can't be me anymore. I am what I am.

This isn't a protest, or even a declaration that I do not care about the development of your children as functional members of society (and this league). It's simply another indication that I'm a real adult which is unequivocally unfortunate (That's an alliteration, Crop - not irony). But, guess what, kids under four can't read and that means the whole league won't groan at me when I pop off a few "Fuck Yous" in this here newsletter.

At least I'll always have the newsletter.

Speaking of the newsletter, you'll remember the few rules of the newsletter:

1. The person writing the newsletter will nominate the author for the next week.
2. I write the first and last newsletter of the regular season.
3. This year (unlike last year) the highest scoring team in each playoff round will write the newsletter that week.
4. Each author should email me their newsletter in a Word format. My computer remembers the password to edit this blog, but I do not, so we're kind of stuck. Again, I am what I am.

That's not hard, so here's hoping the newsletter process goes as smoothly as last year.

Stud of the Week: There might have been 14 children under four at this years' draft, but, as is his way, Taco was conspicuously absent yet again for the draft. Something about Ellen DeGeneres paying for a vacation on some tropical island. I'm not really sure. I don't ask questions. Regardless, Taco actually elected Amy (the better drafting half of WL) to pick her squad. It proved to be the best decision Taco has ever made (at least so far) in the context of this fantasy league with the glaring exception of the entirety of his newsletter last year.

Yes, Taco's squad scored more points than any other team in Week One. And, it wasn't even that close.

It certainly helped his cause that the Steeler's pass defense is quickly becoming the Taco of the NFL. Rob Gronkowski (his first round pick) steam-rolled his way to 32.4 points. Gronk only caught five passes. You'll note, however, that he caught three touchdowns. That will happen though when you neglect to line up a defender across from literally the best red zone option for the Patriots - or any team for that matter. The week started off well for Taco last Thursday with the Gronk's production, but the Gronk was not even Taco's highest scorer. That distinction belongs to Carlos Hyde who ran all over the Vikings. I don't think its an exaggeration to say that Hyde was the most impressive running back this past week. So, if you're keeping score at home, Taco owns the best TE and the best RB this season so far. It's a good thing San Francisco shipped the artist formally known as Frank Gore to the Colts and decided that Hyde should handle all of the RB responsibilities. Frank Gore might be as old as Peyton Manning and if you watched Peyton this week, well, you're patently terrified if you own a Broncos WR and/or CJ Anderson.

Also, I'm not certain, but Taco might not have even logged in to check his team yet. It honestly looks like his line up reflects his draft order. There's no way to tell, but, let's be honest, none of us would be surprised if reading this newsletter is the first affirmative action (settle down Fadi and Sam - not that kind) Taco has performed as a member of the league this season.

Willy Lowman of the Week: If Amy is our defacto Stud of the Week since she single-handedly picked Taco's week one squad, then it would be too perfect if WL was the Lowman of the week. Well, welcome to perfect, friends. After week one, Sam has the worst team and his wife picked the best team. I'm sure, somehow, Sam will try to take credit for Amy's knowledge regarding all things fantasy football. But, if I know Amy, I'm sure she employed her time-honored draft strategy of selecting players based solely on their smile in there ESPN Profile photos. Try again, Sam. No way around it, you don't play so good.

Andrew Luck, Eddie Lacy and Jimmy Graham were the only double-digit players in WL's starting line up. His WR's combined age is 99 years old. This is not a joke. Please look it up if you don't believe me. That's three starting WRs whose age adds up to NINETY-NINE YEARS OLD. In case any one is unclear, old WRs is NOT a good thing. No wonder they only combined for 14.1 points (!). FOURTEEN POINT ONE! Hilariously, there doesn't seem to be much more room for improvement. WL's entire bench combined for 21 points. Here's hoping you remember how to work that wire.

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap: The incomparable Julio Jones. I have a feeling this won't be the last time Julio slaps his jock all over this league. Once again, Travis, Fuck You.

Bench Bomb: Incredibly, there isn't a Bench Bomb that sticks out. No one really deserves to be hammered for their decisions this week. Don't get it twisted, some of you drafted terribly, but given your choices, your line ups make sense. Somehow.

Mr. Irrelevant: I'm pretty sure this is the name the NFL grants to the last person drafted in the seventh round of its entry draft annually. This is also the name that I am unilaterally granting to the Nolan's Jarryd Hayne. If you remember, this is the player who was literally not listed in ESPN's list of available NFL players. A list which included DJ's swimming buddy Charlie Batch by the way. At any rate, Hayne is returning punts for the 49'ers and got 4 carries on Monday after Hyde got the lion's share and Bush predictably sprained his vagina in the first game of the season. On Hayne's first punt return, and first regular season NFL action, he muffed the punt and the Vikings recovered. Fortunately for Haynes, Teddy Bridgewater is awful at his job and it didn't cost the 9'ers. Fortunately for the Nolans, ESPN decided to add Haynes to their list. Somehow, I just don't see Haynes factoring into this fantasy season. That is, of course, until, Hyde gets hurt, Reggie remains hurt and DJ starts offering the Nolans some combination of DeAngelo Williams, Tre Mason and Tony Romo's slipped disc.

I knew I couldn't make it without at least one DJ dig.

Next week's newsletter will be brought to you by the great minds of Nolan United.

So until I return on the last week of the season, Go Fuck Yourselves.