Week
6 Newsletter
Barrister’s
Balls
Dateline
– McCandless, PA, 10/12/14 - After spending the first two hours of my Sunday
morning in what I can only describe as one of the circles of Hell (Picture
People, Ross Park Mall), it was just about time to partake in my Sunday ritual,
i.e., planting myself in front of my television for [almost] as long as it
takes to develop blood clots in my legs.
But alas, the NFL RedZone this past Sunday was as useless as Cropcho’s
pecker in high school. You see, instead
of ascending to the familiar heavenly environs of my Fantasy Football Nirvana,
Laura had instead arranged a play-date even farther north of McCandless
(Ontario?), in some place that I can only describe as one of the deeper circles
of Hell: Cranberry… at a house with antenna cable... and get this, standard definition
picture. For reals. I’m as shocked as you are that human beings
actually voluntarily subject themselves to standard definition. Utterly unacceptable.
Anyway,
yes, Marlo and Estella allegedly had a wonderful time with the two young peers
they were there to see, and Laura tells me she was even mildly entertained by
the woman she was paired with for the afternoon. I can’t imagine that said woman’s husband was
psyched to try and make small-talk with a guy buried in his phone crushing the
refresh button. He, at one point, told
me he’s a fantasy football “fanatic” as well – a claim that I quickly dismissed
and even admonished him for uttering based on the vague forms of grown men
moving around on his television screen.
No
self-respecting fantasy footballer would have put me through what I experienced
from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm this past weekend.
It’s a place I’ll never return to, and wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy
(Eric). Therefore, for the rest of the
season I cordially invite all of you (even Eric) to drop by and pull up a couch
cushion in fantasy football Utopia, with literally nothing but football,
slow-cooked meals, fancy-cut hot dogs, and certainly no shortage of vitriol.
Without
further ado, here are this week’s acknowledgements:
Stud
of the Week: Travis. Some of you are probably thinking,
“Who? You mean Travis, that kid who is constantly reminding us all what a joy
he is to have in our league on account of his constant participation and
meaningful contributions? You sure you
don’t mean Pavlik?” No, no, I mean the
Travis that kid whom you all forgot was even in this league until 7 seconds ago
(15 seconds for our “English as a Second Language Contingent”). Dunn Givashit,
who seemingly embodies his very own moniker, yawned his way to 181+ points this
week, fueled by not only the white hot waiver added Eagles D, but also this
week’s Jimmy Graham Jock Slap of the Week, Thank You Hilton, which I can only
assume is what TY stands for. The
heir-apparent to the massive hotel fortune had many catches for many yards and
a TD to account for over 20% of DG’s points, much to the chagrin of the Raging
Polacks who were soundly defeated as a consequence of Tomahawk Yoyo bandying
his peen all over Thursday Night Football (Author’s Note: I’m sick of being force fed football on
Thursday, and I will continue my protest by watching each and every Thursday
night game). It feels a bit odd presenting
an accomplishment to Travis wherein my wife gets crotch-slapped by someone
other than me, but she has her own Half-Sloth-Half-Amish-Manchild QB to thank
for Tool Yanker's monster week, so she's actually partly to blame. And if
there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the NFL this year, it's definitely
“blame the victim.”
Honorable
Mention: Lobos Latinos (136.2 - WHAT!),
Nolan United (136.1) and Raging Polacks (136). Caleb’s off the schnide with an impressive
week. Nolan keeps rollin’ and the Polacks,
although up against a buzzsaw (what goes around comes around) still slated an
impressive 136 points. The fact that we
had these three teams separated by .2 points could have made for some high
drama had the matchups been slightly different. Never in our league’s history
have three teams been so close in points.
(This may or may not be true, I literally just typed it after having
done no fact-checking). Caleb could be
poised for a big run here, and will no doubt use his upcoming appearance on the
Ellen DeGeneres show as a springboard to fantasy football dominance
relevance. Also, that last sentence is
not a typo. Apparently having a string
of bad luck coupled with a brief stint as a Mexican government refugee is
newsworthy. Hope you get some free shit,
man. Say hi to Portia for me.
The
Willy Lowman: The fantasy Gods doth have
a sense of humor as I am forced to acknowledge myself as the low-scorer of the
week. Although, it was the highest point
total in our league’s history to ever have been the Lowman. (Again, no fact-checking, just
assuming/hoping/willing that to be true).
Last week's Stud of the Week got to pen the newsletter so I suppose it’s
only fitting that the Lowman writes it this week. As I disclosed to a few of
you on Monday night, my fate as the Lowman was sealed on Sunday morning at
12:23 pm (in Picture People, no less, surrounded by demons and incubi) when I switched
Floyd (14.7 pts) for Asiata (2.5 pts) from my mobile phone. The move cost me the game against a pedestrian
and very beatable Knuckle Junction. I
was so disgusted at one point that I actually tried to concede my game to E,
like a real bitch, at 3:46 pm. He really
tried to let me, even asking for it in writing, which I refused.
The
aforementioned Floyd takes home the Bench Bomb honors as starting him would
have propelled me to victory and left the Big Sandwich as the Lowman, with E a
VERY close second. Matt Asiata, aka Fat
Asia, rounds out the dreaded sweep for the Balls by landing himself in the Do
Better Chair after 2 carries for -5 yards and one catch for 18 yards. Have yourself a day, son. The butterfly effect of that one move is such
that one lineup move sweeps for me a whole host of shitty awards, instead of
chalking up another win. Instead E squeaks out the win, and oh, Eli gets an
honorable mention for being the worst human ever. Goddamn mouth-breathing
dickhead.
Honorable
Mention: The Big Sandwich comes in
second to last with 117.3 points, no thanks to Welker’s one catch and Garret
Graham’s O-for. His other Graham TE,
Jimmy, was on a bye and scored the same amount.
Oh, and be tee dubs, J. Graham is dead for a few weeks, so by all means
don’t spend five dollars on a decent TE replacement and keep rolling out
GG. Thanks for playing.
Miscellany:
I’ve
mentioned that Taco’s off the schnide, but haven’t discussed the absolute
perfect fashion in which it happened. Monday
night, Crop had Kaepernick going against Be Quick and Niners D (excellent
possible band/team name), and needed stars to align to pull off a comeback from
a heavy deficit. Kaepernick improbably
had himself a night and he pulled to within two points of Caleb as the fourth
quarter drew to a close. All he needed
was one more TD pass from Kap, or any Ram other than Quick to score. What happened in the final minutes was really
what I enjoy most about fantasy football:
other people’s misfortune and semi-public shortcomings. As Vernon Davis squared off to collect a sure
Kaepernick TD and the win for Crop, another San Fran player made sure that Crop
would absolutely not win and ran right into Davis causing neither to catch the
ball. Cue the FG unit. Two points short. The Rams then have a chance to score on the
next drive. A TD would have won it for
Crop. Instead the Rams receiver (not Be Quick)
runs away from the ball as if it were loaded with arsenic. Cue the FG unit. Two points short. SF goes three and out, STL gets the ball
back, and Crop’s in business. Austin Davis
drops back, finds an open man and it’s a TD!
Pick-six the other way for Caleb’s D/ST to put the nail in the coffin
and move him to 1-5. Also, Crop becomes
the first annual recipient of the Tacotastic Trophy – the team that succumbs to
Taco first each year supplies a party box of tacos at the wrap party. Congrats Crop!
Monday
night wasn’t all doom and gloom as Vandelay pulled off an impressive comeback
thanks to Antoine Baldwin’s big night.
I’d write more about it here, but I just can’t care anymore about at
this point, and frankly, neither do any of you.
And there
you have it, Week 6 is in the books.
Despite some of your records, this is still anyone’s league. Yes Fadi, despite the horrendous trade you
made, you still have a shot. (Doom on
you Sam for ass-handling a rookie. For
shame). I look forward to seeing you all
in my happy place on a Sunday soon, where you may all soon revel in high
definition, commercial free fantasy football viewing, and watching me be
forever plagued by my perpetually worse over-tinkering. To Laura’s buddy up in Cranberry: DO BETTER!
Travis
Dunn, I’m hoping that you too can do better next week for your turn on the
keyboard. Balls out.
