Boners - Week 5

WHAT IS HAPPENING?  After 5 weeks, the top of the standings looks like this:

1. TBS

2. Lobos Latinos

3. thRobby Johnsons

Ted Turner, at 5-0, already has 2 more wins this year than all of last year.  The Team formerly known as Limp Dixons has doubled his win total from last year.  Meanwhile, perpetual draft dodger, Lobos Latinos, is leading the MillerKuz league in points scored by a 55.6-point margin over TBS.  While the Zero RB draft strategy was being pushed by the “experts” this preseason, Amy, Taco Corp’s Chief Drafting Officer, has proven that Best Smile Available (“BSA”) is the most successful data driven approach to the draft. 

On the other end of the spectrum, here is the bottom of the standings:

9.     Latex U

10. The Fighting Parramatta Eels

11. Toner’s Purple Headed Yogurt Slingers

12. Raging Bulgers

These four teams had a combined .673 winning percentage last year, but currently have 3 wins between them.  Ouch.  The only explanation I have is this is the Bizarro MillerKuz League.  Thus:

Bizarro Stud of the Week:

TBS takes home his third Stud of the Week honors in 5 weeks with a 151.8 point performance, led by Devonta Freeman third consecutive 30 plus point performance.  Freeman is defying science being the number 1 ranked running back while not smiling in his profile picture.  Amy’s team of smile analysts considers Freeman’s early season success to be an outlier, but this is Bizarro World where nothing makes sense.  Like Forsett’s 28 points and Robinson’s 26.2 also leading TBS to back to back Stud of the Week awards, while his number 1 pick, AB, struggles to produce with the extremely accurate Michael Vick under center.  In the Bizarro MillerKuz League, TBS is a force to be reckoned with. 

Bizarro Willie Lowman of the Week:

Raging Polacks.  Congrats on the three-peat.  To be fair though, I believe Mrs. Bulger, I mean Miller, had the same strategy as me this year.  We both saw how Balls used high waiver priorities last year to pick up OBJ and the Garbage Man, which led him to a championship.  What I’m sure everybody has figured out by now is Laura and I have been tanking on purpose early with the intent of picking up this year’s waiver wire stud and riding him to a championship.  Well, I flinched this past week, and Laura beat me at this game of fantasy football loser chicken.  Enjoy Charcandrick West.  In this Bizarro World, he is sure to be the next OBJ.

Bizarro Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:

Apparently the Bizarro MillerKuz League takes place in 2012, because Doug Martin is this weeks Jimmy Graham Jock Slap award winner with 37.8 points.  Currently, the Muscle Hamster is the 4th ranked running back in fantasy with 85.9 points.  4.1 more points than he had all of last year.  Is anyone else starting to believe this Bizarro World theory?

Bizarro Bench Bomb:

Losing by 1.6 points, thRobby Johnson could have easily won if…wait a minute.  I can’t go any further until we talk about Crop’s most recent name change? thRobby Johnsons?  Does he think this is clever?  He doesn’t even have a player named Johnson on his team.  Crop.  There are 14 players available named Johnson.  Spend $5 and pick one up so your team name at least kind of makes sense.  And good job benching Willie Snead for Danny Woodhead.  It’s Bizarro World.  That was an easy choice. 

Bizarro Do Better Chair:

Dunn Fullashit, because Eff You Trav.  Mic drop.

Boners picks up mic embarrassed.

O yeah.  Fadi, you’re up next week.  Please try to refrain from insulting the mentally handicapped.