I'd like to think it was for the pretzel, but I can't be sure.
On Sunday, I was on my way to the city of Philadelphia, which anyone with a map and an IQ over 50 knows involves an unhealthy amount of I-76 and toll rate north of $25.00.
When I travel alone, I don't like to stop. It was only a 4.5 hour trip, I've done that in a car alone before. I'm not old enough to have a prostate problem, and I can eat/drink while driving because I'm not a chimp, so its easy enough to just keep driving.
Unless. Unless, of course, there are fantasy scores to be checked.
Public Service Announcement: Don't text and/or check fantasy football scores while driving in excess of 75 mph. It. Can. Wait.
I stopped at one of those deceptively convenient rest stops right along the Turnpike. I didn't even pee. I almost didn't get out of the car. I stopped really just to check on my match up with The Big Mac Attack. I couldn't lose in consecutive weeks to Taco and BMA, our perpetual Lowmen. At that point, I was tied 95-95 with BMA with my new QB, P. Rivers and his kicker still to play. It was in the bag. I could finish my journey.
But not after I got my pretzel. Even though a bus of what looked like 8th graders walked in right before, I still figured it prudent to go in and cop myself an Auntie Anne original soft pretzel. After all, I do have a pulse.
Last week in the standings, I was in 9th place. This week I'm in 5th. I can't go back and check on everyone else's previous place in the standings, but I'm assuming I'm not the only one who's position has fluctuated. I mean, the Nolans were in first place three weeks ago. They've lost each week since. Landing them squarely in 10th place, and apparently, at the precipice of divorce court. That's some serious fluctuation.
Stud of the Week: Wicked of Lately finally emerges from underneath the massive pile of points his opponents were lumping on them the last couple of weeks to beat the Barrister's Balls and the rest of the league with a commendable 158 points. Only Marques Colston (3) did not break the double-digit barrier. It also never hurts that he owns the Tony Romo who not only lost his actual game and still scored 46 points, but also ruined DJ's Sunday (or season). WL really milked the Cowboys this week, also getting a relatively massive 26 point contribution from Jason Witten. For those of you who read this newsletter without a calculator, that's 72 Cowboy points. Also, shame on you.
Lowman of the Week: Oh sure, Taco. Score 168 points last week when you're playing my lowly squad and save your normal 82 point week for Vandelay Industries. Like Mr. 202 needs the help. It only took five weeks, but Taco finally started a "zero." Thanks for that, Ryan Matthews. In quarterback news, Sammy Bradford scored 12 more points than Thomas Brady. It's always good when your first round pick is considerably out-performed by the Ram's quarterback. And by good I mean "yikes."
Nolan (Quarterback) Update: Congrats, Nolans. You didn't make a mistake with your starting quarterbacks this week. This ends the good news. Fortunately, for comedy's sake, both of your quarterbacks scored a laughable 12 points. Mike Vick finally hurt himself and Colin Kaepernick lost his powers to the Monstars from Space Jam. The 49'er's D/ST is destroying the rest of the league and making me (and everyone else in the league) laugh hysterically in the process. Also, your kicker was your team's high scorer this week. Oh, and I may have mentioned this already, but since receiving a compliment from this very Newsletter, you've gone 0-3 and plummeted 9 spots in the standings. Still sure it's not a free fall?
The Opposite of a Bench Bomb: The Big Sandwich fell short of 100 points this week with their measly 92. But, did you look at their bench production? Their bench totaled 1 point. That's not a typographical error. ONE point. The only player who wasn't on a bye week and/or injured was Kenny Britt. Kenny scored one point. I can't be sure, but that might be the lowest bench production this league has ever seen. Sadly, the lineup could have been improved. Replace Andre Roberts' zero with Kenny's one and now you have 93. Congrats.
Conversely, Toner's Boner's, TBS' week five opponent, netted 99 bench points. His bench beat three starting lineups this week.
Shut Up, DJ: Yes, you scored the second most points this week. Yes, you lost to the only person in the league who could have beaten you. No, we do not care. No, you didn't make any lineup mistakes, but we still do not feel bad for you. For some perspective, take a look at the Points Against column on the standings page. Yes, you have the second most points against scored upon you thus far this year. But, seriously. Look at WL's total Points Against. It is 111 points more than you. New Rule: until these number change drastically, the only one allowed to complain is the 3-2 Wicked of Lately. But really, if you're in fourth place, you shouldn't be complaining anymore. Everyone has their plight.
James Jones!: Jimmy, stop hating James Jones. He will haunt you forever. OR TRADE HIM TO ME.
Charles Clay: Crop, stop the nonsense. Sit Clay down and let Vernon Davis run free. You should be commended for merely benching Davis though. It could have been worse, you could have dropped the 49er at the first sign of sub-par performance...
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Week Four - Jimmy's Big Week
It felt a whole lot like rock bottom.
I was sitting on my toilet. Phone in hand. Lights off.
Okay, so that beginning sounds a lot worse than it actually was, but it's still the truth. I guess I was too lazy to turn the switch.
I never watch Sunday night football unless a player of mine is playing. I especially don't watch Sunday night football when a player I benched is playing (Thanks for being irrelevant, Mike Wallace). This night was another Sunday night sans football. But, I went to the bathroom and checked my fantasy team as I am wont to do. I was scrolling through the league scores. My matchup with Taco had long been over. You're welcome, Taco. I was, at this point of the night, checking merely to see if I would be the Willy Lowman of the Week. At that exact moment moment (some point during the second half), I was not. Big Mac still owned that dubious title.
I flipped to the standings, and as I flipped back to the scoreboard, I realized Big Mac had just scored 11 more points, (**SPOILER ALERT**) making me the Lowman. Thanks a lot, Jimmy Graham.
Not only was I the Lowman of the Week, but I watched it happen. On my phone. Sitting on my toilet. In the dark.
Stud of the Week: If my embarrassingly true story makes me the least happy league participant this week, our Stud of the Week is the happiest. His name is James Cafaro. He owns/operates Vandelay Industries. He scored 202 points this week. 202! As if eclipsing 200 points in any given week weren't cause enough for a legitimate celebration with alcohol and friends, James also got engaged this past weekend. I'm told he proposed to his lovely fiance, Caitlin, at Phipps. They drank champagne. Congrats, James.
But let's get back to the business at hand. I did not know until I sat down to write this Newsletter that James scored 202 points. I think I audibly gasped. Every single started scored at least 20 points except for Giovonni Bernard (because hes about 5'1") and Sebastian Janikowski (because he's a kicker). This is the first week he didn't mess up his receivers. The ageless Tony Gonzalez led his squad with 39 points. Jimmy Graham and the Saints may have made me the Lowman and won the game, but Good Old Uncle Tony walked away with the Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap honors for Week 4. Sorrys go out to Sam and Amy this week, but when it's James' week, just get out of his way.
Willy Lowman of the Week: Yours truly. I am currently entertaining offers for anyone not named Adrian Peterson. Actually, you can have AP if you bring the noise. But don't waste my time.
I only scored 92 points and was the only league member who managed to stay sub-100. My flex, 2 WR and TE combined for 6 points. Four position players = 6 points. Somehow, I managed to start a QB who is worse than Eli Manning. Seriously, is this real life?
If you take my score (92) and double it (184) it is still less than James' total (202) BY 18 POINTS. I think I'm going to cry.
Nolan's QB Decisions: I think I'm going to start tracking this on a weekly basis. The Nolan's picked the wrong quarterback this week. They started Colin Kaepernick. He scored 14 points. Mike Vick lost to Peyton by about 63 (real) points and still scored more than Kaepernick (16). Keep up the good work. Solid 0-2 showing since the compliment heard 'round the Newsletter in Week 2. I might just start complimenting everyone.
DJ's Quarterback Decisions: DJ picked up and started Matt Flynn of the Oakland Raiders. DJ, you know how I know you made a bad decision? I felt a very real need to say who Matt Flynn played for when I just typed his name in that last sentence. He was as bad as anyone would expect Oakland's backup quarterback to be. He scored 12 points. Funnier still: that's the same amount Russell Wilson scored this week. One of the best QB competitions you read about for the Balls in the coming weeks.
Overcoming Bombs: Raging Pollacks left two big weeks from receivers on her bench. Andre Johnson and Nate Washington combined for 54 points on her bench. RP still managed to bone Toner by 17 points. This was due in most part to the fact that Toner's Boner's RBs were almost as bad as my WRs/TE/Flex this week. This was due also in part to the fact that DJ told Laura to bench Fred Jackson and play Ray Rice and she completely ignored him. The lesson - as always: DJ has no idea what he's talking about.
Taco Making Moves: Public Service Announcement: Taco's Lobos Latinos have scored 138 and 168 points respectively in the last two weeks. Somebody learned how to play. He got his first win this week thanks in large part to the Colts D/ST and the atrocious conglomeration of players we call "Knuckle Junction."
Who the Hell is Charles Clay?: Some guy named Charles Clay scored 16 points for Boris Kochler this week. I have no idea who that is. Maybe that's why my team is awful. Cropcho proving once again that he knows more than he lets on set a balanced line up to beat The Big Sandwich. Everyone on his team scored in the double digits except for Dan Bailey (because he's a kicker. Amy, did you hear that...he scored only three points BECAUSE HE'S A KICKER.)
I was sitting on my toilet. Phone in hand. Lights off.
Okay, so that beginning sounds a lot worse than it actually was, but it's still the truth. I guess I was too lazy to turn the switch.
I never watch Sunday night football unless a player of mine is playing. I especially don't watch Sunday night football when a player I benched is playing (Thanks for being irrelevant, Mike Wallace). This night was another Sunday night sans football. But, I went to the bathroom and checked my fantasy team as I am wont to do. I was scrolling through the league scores. My matchup with Taco had long been over. You're welcome, Taco. I was, at this point of the night, checking merely to see if I would be the Willy Lowman of the Week. At that exact moment moment (some point during the second half), I was not. Big Mac still owned that dubious title.
I flipped to the standings, and as I flipped back to the scoreboard, I realized Big Mac had just scored 11 more points, (**SPOILER ALERT**) making me the Lowman. Thanks a lot, Jimmy Graham.
Not only was I the Lowman of the Week, but I watched it happen. On my phone. Sitting on my toilet. In the dark.
Stud of the Week: If my embarrassingly true story makes me the least happy league participant this week, our Stud of the Week is the happiest. His name is James Cafaro. He owns/operates Vandelay Industries. He scored 202 points this week. 202! As if eclipsing 200 points in any given week weren't cause enough for a legitimate celebration with alcohol and friends, James also got engaged this past weekend. I'm told he proposed to his lovely fiance, Caitlin, at Phipps. They drank champagne. Congrats, James.
But let's get back to the business at hand. I did not know until I sat down to write this Newsletter that James scored 202 points. I think I audibly gasped. Every single started scored at least 20 points except for Giovonni Bernard (because hes about 5'1") and Sebastian Janikowski (because he's a kicker). This is the first week he didn't mess up his receivers. The ageless Tony Gonzalez led his squad with 39 points. Jimmy Graham and the Saints may have made me the Lowman and won the game, but Good Old Uncle Tony walked away with the Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap honors for Week 4. Sorrys go out to Sam and Amy this week, but when it's James' week, just get out of his way.
Willy Lowman of the Week: Yours truly. I am currently entertaining offers for anyone not named Adrian Peterson. Actually, you can have AP if you bring the noise. But don't waste my time.
I only scored 92 points and was the only league member who managed to stay sub-100. My flex, 2 WR and TE combined for 6 points. Four position players = 6 points. Somehow, I managed to start a QB who is worse than Eli Manning. Seriously, is this real life?
If you take my score (92) and double it (184) it is still less than James' total (202) BY 18 POINTS. I think I'm going to cry.
Nolan's QB Decisions: I think I'm going to start tracking this on a weekly basis. The Nolan's picked the wrong quarterback this week. They started Colin Kaepernick. He scored 14 points. Mike Vick lost to Peyton by about 63 (real) points and still scored more than Kaepernick (16). Keep up the good work. Solid 0-2 showing since the compliment heard 'round the Newsletter in Week 2. I might just start complimenting everyone.
DJ's Quarterback Decisions: DJ picked up and started Matt Flynn of the Oakland Raiders. DJ, you know how I know you made a bad decision? I felt a very real need to say who Matt Flynn played for when I just typed his name in that last sentence. He was as bad as anyone would expect Oakland's backup quarterback to be. He scored 12 points. Funnier still: that's the same amount Russell Wilson scored this week. One of the best QB competitions you read about for the Balls in the coming weeks.
Overcoming Bombs: Raging Pollacks left two big weeks from receivers on her bench. Andre Johnson and Nate Washington combined for 54 points on her bench. RP still managed to bone Toner by 17 points. This was due in most part to the fact that Toner's Boner's RBs were almost as bad as my WRs/TE/Flex this week. This was due also in part to the fact that DJ told Laura to bench Fred Jackson and play Ray Rice and she completely ignored him. The lesson - as always: DJ has no idea what he's talking about.
Taco Making Moves: Public Service Announcement: Taco's Lobos Latinos have scored 138 and 168 points respectively in the last two weeks. Somebody learned how to play. He got his first win this week thanks in large part to the Colts D/ST and the atrocious conglomeration of players we call "Knuckle Junction."
Who the Hell is Charles Clay?: Some guy named Charles Clay scored 16 points for Boris Kochler this week. I have no idea who that is. Maybe that's why my team is awful. Cropcho proving once again that he knows more than he lets on set a balanced line up to beat The Big Sandwich. Everyone on his team scored in the double digits except for Dan Bailey (because he's a kicker. Amy, did you hear that...he scored only three points BECAUSE HE'S A KICKER.)
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