In between posting a pure piece of feminist propaganda introducing the dishwasher in sheer mockery of his fellow man and lamenting how Disney has managed to soil his delicate kitchen with “pessimistic semantics” on his Facebook page, the Balls managed to find yet another Garbage Man.
The irony is immeasurable. Last year Nolan United lost the championship due to the garbage points CJ Anderson racked up in the last 5 minutes of the Monday Night Matchup. This year, that Garbage Man Cameth and laid an 3.9 egg on Thursday night. Nolan United was feeling quite optimistic about its shot at redemption. To add to it, the Millers actually called the Nolans and asked if they could bring over their garbage to put out with ours as their garbage man didn’t show up. We can’t make this stuff up. It was a sign from above. (Side note: it was one bag of garbage. What family with a 4 and 2 year old produces one bag of trash in a week? We submit to you that it is impossible and, although this is unrelated to football, demand an inquest by Advisor HO.) Alas, their garbage man indeed showed up. On Sunday. Wearing Black and Gold. And sporting bedazzled pink tips at the end of his dreads.
Mr. and Mrs. Nolan had a bird’s eye view from section 507 at Heinz Field as Antonio Brown repeatedly caught long passes just to be tackled short of the goal line just so that DeAngelo Williams – the new Garbage Man – could come in and sweep up the garbage points. 77 yards rushing with 3 TDs. 31.2 points. The Balls beat Nolan United by 5.5 points. The Nolans were only United in one way at the Steelers-Niners game and that was in their disdain for DeAngelo Williams. Damn you Garbage Man. May you rot in Garbage Man Hell. I’m sure the Pink-haired Garbage Man is still wondering who those crazies were who pulled up beside him and chucked ice cubes at his windshield as he drove home from the game. If anyone asks, it was Dunn, who is a fellow graduate of the Joe Kuz School of Highway Terrorism.
Now on to business. There were some fine performances this week. Big Sammich (181.3 pts none of which came from his D) with a big win over a surprising Lobos Latinos coalition, which had the second highest point total (143.6). Could we be witnessing a Mexican miracle in the making? Hopefully the Commish doesn’t go all Trump on you and send you back to Tijuana before you can realize your destiny. Congrats to TBS for winning Stud of the Week. Honorable Mention to KJ, Dunn Givashit, and thRobby Johnsons (?) for moving to 2-0.
There were also some rather embarrassing performances – We are looking at you Raging Polacks and Toner’s Boners. Both teams failed to break 100 points. While sad, it is nothing compared to one truly sad performance. After tallying only 87.2 points in Week 1, Wicked of Lately not-so-impressively rebounded with 87.7 points in Week 2. Rather Sadly of Lately – don’t you think? Congrats on being Willy Lowman of the Week.
While we are very tempted to award Sadly of Lately the Do Better Chair Award, it’s simply too easy. Rather, we vote KJ as the winner for failing to even acknowledge the beloved Do Better Chair in the Week 1 newsletter.
Jimmy Graham Jock Slap: A good number of candidates here – The Pink-haired Garbage Man, OBJ (34.6 pts), Edelman (33.9 pts). Yet, we just can’t ignore the 4 players who scored over 30 for TBS: Roethlisberger (32.4), Allen Robinson (34.5), AB (37.5), and Cooper (30.9). Downright impressive. The award goes to the collaborative effort of TBS in jock slapping all of us.
Bench Bomb: Gotta go with Vandealy Industries choice to start Sam Bradford (12.1) over Stafford (21.3). It cost our favorite Latex Salesman his first victory as he fell to 0-2.
Given his pure shit-stomping this week, it only seems right that TBS authors the next newsletter. Sammich – you’re up. Good luck this week to all of our fine owners. Even Dr. Fadi and his mockery of those less fortunate souls. (Hey, it’s not defamatory if it’s true and we have photographic proof). #FadiGoesViral
Peace & Love,
Nolan United
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