Vandelay Industries - Week 12

Is this miserable season over yet?

This is the 5^th year of this league.  And every year up until this point you could count on a few things:

-Vandelay Industries would make the playoffs (I need 1 positive thing said about me in a blog)

-Taco would finish dead last

-Crop would make more penis references than his total points scored

-Despite his preseason claims, DJ would still be overly obsessed with fantasy football and make Laura ponder, would I be here right now if this league was in existence before we got married?

-And many others

However….this year is an anomaly, an outlier, something we may never see again.  I know there is still one week left, but this season has been over for me since week 3.  Despite my horrendous season, this is the tightest playoff race we’ve had to date.  10 teams are still alive and it will all come down to this final week.  Will Taco finally make the playoffs?  In 5 years I think he’s been to 1 draft; and in that draft he selected Hines Ward with his 2^nd round pick.  Maybe he’s finally discovered the secret, have Amy pick your team based on smiles.  Whatever works, viva los playoffs.   Will Laura, who cares as much about this league as Crop does about being politically correct, sneak into one of the final spots?  Will Dunn, who scored a whopping 65 points this week, squeak in?  Seriously, how are you 6-6?  So many questions, so many intriguing story lines and I couldn’t care less.  I’m focused on next season.

Onto the awards:

Stud of the Week:  The Balls, dropping 177.1 this week.  This win put the Balls to an even 6-6 on the season and into the 5^th spot.  That’s 3 in a row for the commish who dropped KJ to 6-6.  Even with CJ “Garbage Man” Anderson with 32.3 on your bench, you still managed to be the stud of the week.  Spencer Ware dropping 21.5?  You must have listened to 5 Matthew Berry podcasts instead of the usual 4.  Well done.  

Honorable mention: Myself, Vandelay Industries.  Yes, I’m giving myself honorable mention for Stud of the Week.  This was by far my best week of the season.  Matthew Stafford finally decided to throw the ball to Megatron and look what happened, points on the scoreboard and points in fantasy.  The saying is better late than never, except for in this case.  The only thing I can take away from this week is beating TBS.  It’s always enjoyable to beat the Sandwich, especially when he’s the best team in the league.  This is easily the only positive thing to happen to VI this season, but it wasn’t even that enjoyable.  It was rubbing salt in the wound, as it doesn’t matter.  No playoffs for the first time in the league’s existence.

Willy Lowman of the Week/Do Better Chair/Bench Bomb:  Dunn Givashit.  What the hell happened to your team this week? Were you in a tryptophan coma when you set your lineup?  Did you not realize you’re still in playoff contention?  Did you summon your inner Taco from years past? Your bench destroyed your starting lineup.  You left Sammy Watkins (34.8), Markus Wheaton (43.1) and Eddie Lacy (23.9) on your bench.  That’s freaking 101.8 points, from 3 players….ON YOUR BENCH!  But I guess that a 56 year old Frank Gore and James Jones were worthy of the start this week.  This is the stretch run.  You need to be at your best, not act like the Cleveland Browns.  Step your game up, bro.  65 TOTAL points, that is worse than Taco always picking the wrong kicker.  DO BETTER!

Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:  Russell Wilson with 37.7 points from the Raging Polacks.  Although she has barely been better than me this season, she’s in playoff contention and she probably pays less attention than Taco.  Although, to be fair, she is a single mother raising 2 small children.  I know technically she is married to DJ, but she may as well be single during football season.  Between his obsession with fantasy football and his new found hobby of swimming, DJ is around less than Jarrod Hayne receives playing time.  Great draft pick, by the way, Nolans.

The Jock Slap would have been Markus Wheaton, but he was on Dunn’s bench (see above). 

  

That’s it.  I’m done with this season.  I should have know it was going to be bad when I thought it was going to be great to show up to the draft with a Vandelay Industries jersey, only to have it say Vandealy Industries on it.  It’s really awesome when Jamaal Charles falls into your lap in the 6^th spot and you draft Knile Davis as insurance.  Only to have Davis steal a couple of touchdowns early in the season to fall to 7^th string after Charles gets injured. 

I’m currently watching the SNL Christmas Special and Robert Goulet’s Holiday Special just came on.  I not only laughed when Will Ferrell sang, but laughed even harder thinking of Taco telling his story of singing Goulet during a seminar at UPMC, which included people making far more money than any of us combined (except for Fadrick). E, you’re up next to bring us home.  Looks like I’m on the clock for next season.  Good luck in the playoffs.