Raging Pollacks

Seeing as this league is overrun with attorneys, it's only fitting that I start with a disclaimer. I'm writing quickly before a teacup human cries or jumps on my lap inadvertently deleting this entire newsletter. So forgive the lack of detailed analysis (I'd rather kill myself) and typos.  But let's be honest, you're all just skimming to see if your team got a shout out.

So far this season the NFL has been like an afterschool special, with each week tackling a different topic.  Let’s recap what we’ve learned thus far: don’t beat your wife, don’t beat your kids and now, don’t get insane road rage.  While most normal human beings already know this stuff, it did teach me a new favorite phrase.  Bill Crawford on WDVE said his wife is so the opposite of Adrian Peterson, she has a “Do Better Chair” instead of timeout.  I’ve found this phrase applicable to both morons in my everyday life and fantasy football i.e. Marques Colston.  And myself for playing him two weeks in a row. Carolina D, Eddie Lacy…CHAIR. 

You know the saying that defense wins championships. At halftime Thursday, I thought I had wisely stashed the Tampa Bay (none) defense on my bench. They had given up 35 points and were in the negative. Seeing as the players’ families and DJ were the only ones to watch the second half, imagine my surprise when I found out that after giving up a staggering 54 points, my benched D earned 16 points. WTF?  Fast forward to Sunday. I'm winning by 3 against the Big Sandwich thinking there was no way Ben and his fat head wouldn't gift the Carolina D at least a sack or interception. Imagine my surprise when the Carolina D yielded negative points and I won. I repeat. I WON. The take away?  Besides shut outs I have no idea how defenses work, or if they do. But I'm glad they don't. Cause I won one finally.

Let’s get to the standard newsletter “fun” facts:

Stud of the week- Toners Boners. I'm not gonna study your line up. But I'm pretty sure you could have scored 1000 if you had set your lineup just right. Drafting 11th is where it's at. Who knew?  Honorable mention- Vandalay.  Mostly for the smoldering new FaceBook profile pic from his wedding. 

Willy Lowman of the week- When it rains, it pours. Literally. For those of you who don't watch Channel 4, you might not know Taco spent the majority of the week as a refugee of the Mexican government. That’s not a joke.  That’s real life, for Taco at least. So I was all ready to declare force majeure and put Girthy here instead, until Caleb said he made a lineup move Saturday when Jamal Charles was still questionable. Hey Taco, in MERICA we play football on Sunday. Plus I can't really talk ill of Marlo's bestie Crop. 

Jimmy Graham jock slap- Julio Jones.  There isn’t much funny about Julio that I can tell.  Except that he edged out DJ’s guy.  Speaking of, DJ asked me last night if I knew the only unbeaten team. Let me guess...you, you asshole?  To be honest seeing as how stressed out he is watching games on Sundays, I would have never guessed.  GET YOUR LIFE RIGHT MAN.

Bench bomb- Suck Pump Bradshaw could have meant a win for the Big Sammie, but thank god his name and the fact that he plays for the Giants spooked him.  Ironically it was E’s stupid newsletter that led me to similarly bench Cruz.  Not a good job.  Honorable mention to all the Jacksons on Caleb’s bench. 

Well, hope you’ve somewhat enjoyed.  And if not, Do Better when it’s your turn.  Speaking of…NOLANS.  You’re up. 

Face-to-Face Toilets and Polynesian Cotton

Boy, this has been a real kick-in-the-dick-with-Heidi-Klum-waiting-for-insertion-in-the-other-room type of fantasy football season so far, hasn’t it? For those of you that don’t like the metaphor, this number speaks for itself: 12. That’s how many relevant offensive players were knocked out of their respective games on Sunday. Actually, now that I take another look at the scoreboard, the injuries caused maybe one team (Vandalay) to unfairly lose this week. Maybe that wasn’t such a great stat overall – I’ll try better.

And I’ll try better now. I would like to debut my newest statistical concoction with the release of my version of the newsletter: The Suck Differential™. Through a series of very impressive mathematically complex and sophisticated formulas and algorithms, I know who needs to stop consulting Matthew Berry and start using their own brain. Okay, actually I just compared actual lineup scores to optimal lineup scores and called that difference a mildly offensive yet descriptive name, The Suck Differential™. So, here are the results: The Big Sandwich was our Big Suck™ for week 1, having a differential of 48.1. For week 2, and also for the season overall, Wicked of Lately won the title with a differential of 44.2 and is currently holding a season average of 39 Suck Points™. If this league wasn’t mostly one of hate and despair I’d say who was doing well too, but I won’t, because it is a league of hate and despair. Just know that no one has attained a Suck Differential™ of 0, so we’re just all not that great (Disclaimer: The Suck Differential™ does not include D/ST bonus touchdowns because I don’t care to research that much – I have shit to do in my life).

And now for my narrative on Week 2 of the MillerKuz League:

Stud of the Week:

While The Big Sandwich may have been the Big Suck™ in Week 1, he was a Big Stud™ in Week 2, scoring 173.5 points and completely annihilating Taco by 104.3 points (that translates to about an 800 point loss when translated to pesos, Taco). Even if DeSean Jackson and Jamaal Charles had arisen from the dead and combined to form some kind of racially superior Megazord, a la the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for you dorks out there, the Lobos Latinos still wouldn’t have stood a chance.

Runner Up:

David John James Miller and his Balls just barely escaped the grasp of Delanie Walker’s career high of 37.2 fantasy points. He outscored DJ’s latest draft day proclamation of “the next Jimmy Graham”, Ladarius Green, by 37.2. Since Ladarius scored 0 points (while Jamblow let his counterpart Antonio Gates rot away on his bench while scoring 34.6 points) the math was really easy right there – thanks DJ. I really hate that I have to keep staring at DJ’s team, but I might as well keep on going while the agony is fresh and proclaim the Jimmy Graham “he’s-black-but-has-red-hair-so-we-really-aren’t-too-sure-of-how-big-his-Jockstrap-really-is” Jockslap of the Week: Jordy Nelson.

Good old Jordy is doing a great job of showing puss-face Robert Griffin III of how to make a comeback from an injury. He caught 9 balls for over 200 yards and 1 TD. I’m not sure how you can record that many yards – enough for 2 football fields – and only score 1 TD, so it’s actually not that impressive to me, and Jordy Nelson can eat a dick. Learn how to get some YAC son. And you can tell him I said that.

Willie Lowman of the Week: UPMC.

Technically Taco scored the lowest amount of points this week, but I’m lumping Laura into this mess as well because she’s actually expected to do well, and also Taco had 2 injuries that diluted his score. You two desperately need to bring on Whore Hands as a consultant or something, I don’t really know what to tell yinz two.

Just Some Things I Found Funny: Minnesota (but not the child abuse, clearly) and John Papelbon.

The Governor of Minnesota is calling for the Vikings to deactivate Adrian Peterson. So much for all of that luck of the Irish, huh Fadi? Good thing you’re hoarding about a million RBs on your bench, forcing me to start bums like Toby Gerhart, thanks for that.

Roger Goodell will surely blow up if one more incident comes to light. I also move to stop referring to DJ as Roger, Jamblow. He’s more of a George W. Bush type of leader to me anyways.

Also, John Papelbon was banned 7 games for grabbing his dick in response to an umpire last night. He’s now my favorite player ever. I bet he has some real girth.

Bench Bomb of the Week: JamblowGate.

Vandalay Industries would have easily deflated The Girth™ if he started Antonio Gates against the Seahawks. I mean, that’s a no-brainer start, right? Either way, even though Jamblow made the right choice, his timing just wasn’t right and he lost the game because of it. That bad choice led to 27.7 points added to Jamblow’s Suck Differential™ for the week. Do better Jimmy. I hear some other teams are thinking about consulting Whore Hands as to who they should start, you should get in on that.

That’s all I have for yinz guys today. I now have a shitload of trademarks to go register. My nomination to write the next newsletter, on time, please take note of my timing, is: Laura NK Miller. Get it gurly.

-Girth Out.

Beginner's Luck?

Welcome to the 2014-2015 MillerKuz Fantasy Football League Newsletter. This promises to be the best newsletter to date. Mostly because I don't have to write it every week.

First, a couple of housekeeping issues.

1. If you missed this discussion at the draft, the person whom writes the newsletter nominates the next author. No repeats.

2. I cannot figure out what the credentials are to get into this blog. I only have access because my computer remembers my user name and password. SO, when it's your time to write just send your newsletter to me via email and I will post it on the blog (eric.weinheimer@gmail.com).

Second, a couple of congratulatory issues.

1. Congratulations to James and Caitlin Cafaro. They got married last weekend.

2. Congratulations to Taco and Jess (aka Mrs. Taco). They got married last weekend.

If you're reading this on your honeymoon I simultaneously applaud your dedication and worry for your general well-being.

***

There's a common colloquialism that you hear all the time: "It's better to be lucky than good." I happen to think that's one of the dumber things I've ever heard. If I had a choice, I'd take "good" 100 times out of 100. It's not even a question. 

But, there maybe something to be said for luck. Especially beginner's luck. 

Now, let me be clear, I am not ruling out the possibility that Fadrick has hustled all of us and actually knows everything there is to know about fantasy football. I'm simply doubting it. 

Fadi, the same person who was reading (and hilariously ignoring) suggested picks written by DJ on the inside of Styrofoam wing containers at the draft, is not a fantasy football savant.  Although, ignoring DJ at a draft shows a tremendous amount of insight.

Regardless, our only new member in the league this year is Week One's Stud of the Week.

Aleppo Faith (AF) put up an impressive 153.4 in their league debut. Not only did Matthew Stafford throw two TD's to Calvin Johnson, but his fat face also managed to rush for a TD adding the coveted 6 points for an otherwise immobile QB. Stafford and Julius Thomas combined to give AF 71.9 points (!) this week. That's silly. I doubt Julius pulls in 3 TD's every week, but then again, he looked unstoppable and Peyton is his QB, so I guess it's possible. The only under performer in his starting line up was Zac Stacy. That's to be expected, though, because, well, Stacy plays for the Rams. Chris Ivory on the bench put up a 20 + point day. Make the switch, Fadrick. Speaking of switches, as much as I love Big Mac's old logo, you need to switch that as well. 

Honorable Mention: The honeymooner, James Cafaro of Vandelay Industries (VI) put up 144.4 points. As his opponent this week, I can speak to three particularly soul-crushing TD's. AJ Green and Jeremy Maclin 50+ yard touchdowns (which happened in a 5 minute span in real time) and a particularly infuriating garbage time touchdown for Rashard Jennings. My goodness did the Giants offense look awful. Out of that dumpster fire, the first ban of the new season  has been established: No one can start a player employed by the New York Football Giants. Do the right thing. Don't embarrass yourselves. 

The Willy Lowman of the Week:The Raging Pollacks (RP).Andre Ellington was hurt and (properly) on your bench. He STILL scored more than both of your starting RB's combined. Stop. Re-read that sentence. Hilarious. Maurice Jones Drew and Doug Martin are allergic to points. And the cherry on top? Their both now listed as questionable. Andrew Luck scored about 45% of your total points. But for him, we'd be looking at an historically low one-week point total. If only. I'd say make better decisions, but, honestly, there aren't better decisions to be made. Good luck. Seventy-six points is so bad.

Honorable Mention: This side of the newsletter's favorite team, Lobos Latinos, Taco Corp, TM (LL). A measly 106 points was saved only by the double-digit misery of RP. I have to say that allowing appointing Amy to pick your team two years in a row is a BOLD move. A move that has simply never paid off. Nor will it ever, thus again proving that kickers are pretty worthless and picking a team based on their dashing good looks is never the best idea. Hey, but at least you didn't pick the team. You're just responsible for overseeing them each week and laughing your way out of the playoffs. Again. 

Jimmy Graham Jockslap of the Week: We might have to rename this category after this week's recipient. Calvin "Seriously, You Can't Cover Me" Johnson. He is literally unstoppable and fat face Stafford seems to have his act together this year (so far). The funniest part of this Jockslap is that before the Monday night game, The Girth agreed in principle to trade Megatron for Roddy White and Mark Ingram. Mark. Fucking. Ingram. I would veto that trade faster than DJ can make up arbitrary league rules. Girth, that's embarrassing and it feels even worse after writing and reading it. It barely seems real. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Bench Bomb of the Week: The Big Sandwich (TBS). TBS elected to start Nick "Foils" Foles and somehow, the Jacksonville Jaguars were able to stifle the Eagles for the first half last week. Foils only put up 23 points. Matt Ryan, on the other hand, threw for 448 yards and 3 TDs. The worst part: had you started Ryan, DJ would have lost this week. Instead, you let him win. Additionally, your bench scored 112.7 points - just 6.8 points less than your starters. Get your act together, Sandwich. 

My nomination for next week's letter is the Girthy Bangler. Don't let us down, Crop. Send me your newsletter next week when you're done. 

Until next week.