Boners here. Going to try to alleviate the pressure from the previous newsletters. I want to start by going back to Raging Polack’s Week 3 Newsletter:
“Speaking of, DJ asked me last night if I knew the only unbeaten team. Let me guess . . . you, you asshole?”
My how things have changed. After starting the season 4-0, Matthew Berry disciple, and everybody’s least favorite Commish, DJ has now lost four straight weeks. His matchup this week against yours truly was really a reflection of his season to date. A quick start on Thursday night led by Manny Sanders matching his career numbers with the Steelers in one game with Peyton (This is a fact. Don’t bother looking it up). But just like this season and life, DJ peaked too early. Through the 1 o’clock games, Commissioner Miller maintained a large lead with a Stud of the Week potential projected total. Enter the 4 o’clock games and Michael Floyd’s inability to score. You can’t win Stud of the Week when a starter gets shut out (or can you?). Michael Floyd’s failures brought new life to my squad. Almost as soon as the Sunday night game started, Randall Cobb had shifted the momentum completely in my favor. I went on to cruise to a comfortable victory as Deej withered away just as his season is withering away. Enough about our grey haired friend though. Let’s talk about the ridiculous scoring that went on this week.
Stud of the Week: I’m pulling a Commish and making up a rule midseason. Any team that puts up 200+ points automatically wins the Stud of the Week award. Somehow we had two teams exceed this threshold this week. Nolan United put up an absurd 205.3 points behind 30+ point performances from Forte, AB, Sammy Watkins, and Blake Bortles two touchdown passes to the Dolphins. Nolan’s opponent, Knuckle Junction, put up 162.9 points, but still lost by 42.4. That’s the definition of a bad beat. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.
Amazingly, 205.3 points was not the high score of the week. That honor belongs to Vandelay Industries and his 206.4 points. Cafaro was paced by Jeremy Maclin, the Gronk, ARodge, and 30 points from his D. *Note to Commissioner: Defenses score way too many points in this league. The most impressive aspect of this point total, however, would be the fact that he started Trent Richardson who did not play a snap in the Steelers beat down of the Colts. Looking at his bench, he didn’t even have an option to play over Richardson. That is, as long as you don’t consider spending $5 to drop Eric F’n Ebron a reasonable option.
The Willy Lowman: Calvin Johnson’s Ankle. Get it together Crop. First off, stop blaming Megatron’s ankle. Such a New Ken thing to do. This week, Crop started two players that he drafted. He has 5 players total still on the roster from his 2014 draft class. That is astounding. The Ankle’s starting lineup this week was a who’s who from a Christopher Harris article. Some advice Crop. Lay off the Deeper League Finds. Half of his roster is the result of having the number 2 waiver position virtually all season long behind Taco who thinks a waiver pickup is an alternative way of picking up beef filled tortillas from Taco Bell.
Speaking of Taco; he wins honorable mention Willy Lowman, which I believe is a victory in his book. Congrats. Taco rode Tom Brady to his moral victory. Make sure you thank Amy (and Tom Brady’s smile).
Jimmy Graham Jock Strap: Not sure if I’m breaking the rules here, but I’m going with Antonio Brown. He didn’t put up the most fantasy points this week (Jeremy Maclin did), but he is currently the number 1 fantasy receiver in the league and 4th highest scorer overall. Just an unbelievable talent. If we redrafted today, two Steelers would undoubtedly go in the first round. No excuse for why it took the Steelers offense this long to break out.
Bench Bomb: Dunngiveashit played PEYTON MANNING (23.3 points) over Ben Roethlisberger (46 points). What kind of decision is that? Roethlisberger against Indy. Indy’s D coming off that performance against Cincinnati. How did you not see a 500 yard, 6 touchdown game coming? You must be new to fantasy Travis. Either way, he Dunngiveashit.
Do Better Chair: I’m going with my lowest scorer for the week, aka, my first round pick, Marshawn Lynch. 3 consecutive single digit point totals. Unacceptable. Maybe it’s me who should have Done Better with my first round pick. Still can’t believe you took Demaryius at 7 Polacks. Interested in swapping first rounders. I’ll throw in LaGarrette’s Blount to make it fair.
Alright. That’s it from Boners. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Your turn Fadi. I have Faith.
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