Semi-Finals - Just Call Me "Eric Football"

It didn’t take long.

It couldn’t have been later than 1:15 pm. Cleveland had just run their first four offensive plays. A six-yard hand off. A one-yard hand off. A broken play and one-yard QB scramble. Punt. Thanks for nothing, Johnny Manziel.

Admittedly, starting Johnny Football wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. With the exception of Julio Jones, my team is a dumpster fire and has been most of this year. I somehow ended up in the semi-finals and I had to something.

Denard “The Nard Dog” Robinson had to go. Cut. Julio Jones injured his hip sticking it to the Green Bay Packers to the tune of 44+ fantasy points. So he was out too. I added four new players and started three players for the first time all season. One of which was Johnny Football.

I honestly think that Cropcho would look a whole lot like Johnny Manziel if he started an NFL game at QB against the Cincinnati Bengals. And that's saying something as I’m not entirely certain I’ve ever seen Crop throw a spiral.

It doesn’t stop there. I also started Donte Moncrief. He’s a WR for the Indianapolis Colts, or so says ESPN.com. It wasn’t until about 2:30 pm that I had confirmed that Donte was even playing in an NFL game on Sunday. He did make one catch – a 48 yard touchdown…that was called back due to an offensive holding call. I guess I’ll just go fuck myself.

Ladies and gentleman, your Willy Lowman of the Week – Knuckle Junction.

Stud of the Week: To make matters worse for the Lowman, his arch-nemesis, Nolan United not only laughed its way past KJ and into the finals; they did so as the Stud of the Week.

Led by Antonio Brown, the Nolans put up a not-so-impressive and completely beatable 127.4 points. Let’s play a game. How many times has AB scored less than 20 fantasy points this season? No, you’re wrong. It’s four. FOUR. And, how many times has AB scored less than 15 points this fantasy season? Yes, two. TWO. And, lastly, how many times has AB scored more than 30 points this fantasy season? Five. FIVE. So for those of you keeping score at home, AB has scored 30 points more times than he has scored less than 20. How is that real life? Two Steelers in the first round next year. When was the last time that happened? Kordell Stewart and Yancey Thigpen?

Otherwise, the Nolans are going to need Matt Forte to be Matt Forte again – even if Jimmy Clausen will be his starting quarterback this week, if they have a shot to beat the Ball’s next week.

Nolans – you were a worthy semi-final opponent and rivalry aside, the better team won this week.

Shut up, Sam. Your team might have scored the most points, but your game (and all of the other games and teams intentionally not discussed in this newsletter) DID NOT MATTER. Get over it.

The only other matchup that mattered: The Barrister’s Balls edged out Dunn Givashit. DG scored a measly 105.1 points this week. Measly is a relative term. This week’s total was the lowest posted by DG ALL SEASON. In fact, it is the lowest weekly total for DG by over 15 points. His previous low was 120.2 in week 9 win over the Nolans. Talk about bad luck.

Great team this season, Travis. You’re a lock for some “points” money even with a loss this week. Here’s hoping you poop your pants this week too so I can sneak in there and win some money. Or should I say “more money?” Thanks, Sam.

Odell Beckham Jr’s dinner plate hands carried the Balls to a victory this week. You know what they say about guys with huge hands, right DJ? Yep. That’s it. Huge gloves. You’re such a Dad.

Eli also scored more points than the benched Tony Romo. When you agonize over a lineup decision and you actually get it right (albeit by 0.3 points), you know things are going your way. J-Mail Charles didn’t have to even suit up this week. Thanks a lot, Oakland. But none of the other players mattered. OBJ scored 44+ points and carried you to an easy win over DG on what we’ve already established was an unlucky down week from his squad.

I Can’t Decide Who I Hate Less: I thought long and hard about who I was going to support this week in our championship game. Obviously, without DJ in this league, these newsletters wouldn’t write themselves and none of us would have any fun laughing at him every week. But, he’s not going to quit if he loses. On the other hand, the Nolans have been bad for the better part of the last three seasons, AND they’re also my sworn enemy. The Hatfield to my McCoy. The Michigan to my Ohio State. The Lime to my Tunafish. (10 bonus points for anyone who knows that move reference).

Needless to say, I’m torn. But, ultimately, it’s not a hard decision, and I encourage you all to follow my lead here. This week, I am supporting the United States of Nolan. Nothing personal, Deej. But, you’re already leading the points race and you’ve won this league before. You’ve had your turn. It’s someone else’s turn.

Besides, I don’t think the trophy can handle another set of testicles.

I look forward to reading the runner-ups newsletter next week. And you thought this one was bitter.

Go Nolans. 

I hate myself.