Despite an exciting consensual three-way tie for first and what could be a hotly contested 8th seed (is that how you use seed in this context? Normally I don’t say “seed” unless we’re talking about semen and even then I’m just using it to sound classier than the other guys at Cheerleaders) in the playoffs, the best battle heading into Monday night was an essentially meaningless competition between the ever ailing TacoCorp™ Firebreathing Zombie Wolf Death Machine and the Andrew Cropcho Droopy Pickles (NASDAQ: ACDP). After Sunday, the DPs (not that kind) were cuddling an 8 point lead that TacoCorp™ had, in a move I can only describe as “yes, again,” given away by failing to bench a player who was very clearly out due to injury. Luckily, Cropcho was either too lazy or too dumb to drag K. Allen (the app won’t let me look up his first name right now) off of his bench, which meant that Torrey Smith’s approximation of an NFL wide receiver was enough to eke out a pointless victory for TacoCorp™ in the 4th quarter. Accordingly, this week’s “Worse than Taco” award goes to Cropcho, who has pretty unceremoniously used this season to usurp my long-running stint at the back of the human centipede that is this league.
As a brief aside, I don’t know just how many NFL Players have decided that tweeting and scrambling to remove dick pics from social media is so inadequate for their exposure that they need to erect (ha) a personal garbage dump out in the wasteland of the internet, but Larry Darnell Fitzgerald is among the band of self-aggrandizing jackasses that has his own extensive website. Larryfitzgerald.com includes such epic content as Larr-Bear hocking stem cell banking services in front of a huge American flag, interviewing his dad, promoting something called Fitzgerald Style which I guess just means getting old while praying for a real quarterback, and participating in the Gillette “can he catch it challenge.” I assume they mean chlamydia and let me just assure you, “Yes.”
Anyway, on to the tale of the tape… (I was going to say “Tales from the Scales” but that phrase is trademarked by UPMC, seriously.)
Stud of the Week:
Look, this was not exactly a hot contest. I spent a lot of time staring at the Scoreboard trying to justify giving this award to literally anyone else, but you guys stink worse than my Aunt Donna’s septic leg. Last week more than one player eclipsed 40 points. The week before that FIVE players at four different positions hit 40. Unfortunately, not only did David “My Team Name Hasn’t Been Relevant Since 2012” Miller hand the Knucklers a Velveeta 59 point beat down, he did so riding the crippled back of this week’s highest solo score and resident No. 2 pencil Odell Beckham, Jr. I can only assume the breakout performance was inspired by DJ’s continued use of law school humor coupled with Odell’s unwillingness to stop paying his barber to make him look like he’s trying to steal Christopher Reid’s role in the next House Party sequel. As I reluctantly give this award, I take solace in the fact that I’m physically incapable of giving DJ more than about 9/10 of a thumbs up.
Jimmy Graham Jock Slap:
Dunn Givashit. Heading into Monday night, things looked on track for Team DG to grab a 10-2 lock and bask like R. Kelly in the golden glory of entering Week 13 with both the #1 record and the overall scoring lead. LNKM must have channeled the TacoCorp™ board of directors when she chose to play the dumpy 23rd rank Buccaneers D rather than the #6 Colts D who, mind you, were facing off against the ONE AND TEN Jaguars. Sadly our pal Travis, heavily constrained by a Steelers bye week that had eliminated half his bench, was apparently counting on rookie Bishop Sankey to protect what looked like a very solid lead. Turns out Bishop is even worse at preventing team owner teabagging than he is at actually scoring touchdowns, because by the end of Monday night Travis had the ripe scent of Justin Forsett’s downtown situation all over his face.
Dishonorable Mention:
Wicked of Lately and Family. Like Cropcho’s burning sensation that just won’t go away, Dr. “It’s Mathematically Possible” has managed to survive yet another week by taking advantage of a slipping Nolan United that hasn’t been able to repeat anything close to their 6-dub dominance in weeks 3 through 8. This is even more impressive when you consider that Sam, fighting for survival, tapped Jacob Tamme for TE duty. I’ll let that sink in for a minute. This is a man who, over seven (7) seasons in the NFL, has logged a career 10 touchdowns. For the liberal arts majors, this amounts to less than one touchdown over every 10 games. It comes as no surprise then that TamTam, despite the TD clinic put on by Peyton Manning this week, posted yet another statistical vomit stain amounting to 0.9 points; and was outscored by at least two dozen tight ends available on the waiver. If I could find a Jacob Tamme fathead I would buy it for the $0.23 it has to cost and move that the Commish impose sanctions requiring you to display it in your office for the entire 2015 season. Look at his face. There’s no way your wife approved.
Willy Lowman:
You know, Aleppo Faith’s middling 5-7 record is actually almost impressive when you consider that over the course of this season he has scored only 83 points more than Cropcho’s ditch digging band of idiots (and that’s 56 points more than the Taco Corp™ Locker Room Broadway Show©). Looking at the Faith’s Start/Sit chart and [lack of] available bench talent, it’s actually hard to call Fadi out on specific failures here (other than multiple obvious failures in drafting and thinking that anyone who played for the Huskies in college could succeed in life [sick burn]). Sure he could have worked the wire like someone who is actually paying attention, but perhaps that is just the life of Willy Lowman…a random luck-driven peak of average success followed by a sad, plodding march into dark, depressing obscurity. Keep the Faith, Fadi, you can always blame it on the Big Mac logo.
Bench Bomb:
United we Stand. Or United we make terrible lineup selections in the second half of the season. Just kidding, you couldn’t have known…but seriously, get a different kicker because that shit is offensive. Honestly the bench bomb this week is more like a pipe bomb that someone hid deep inside a body cavity while they sat in the waiting room of the free clinic, sweating and listening to some lady on her iphone bitch about how her ACCESS card never works when she goes to buy new vape cartridges and I mean obviously she needs them because it’s better than cigarettes for her kids so if those assholes at the welfare office want to be like this then she’s just gonna go back to smoking Black & Milds…because Latavius Murray’s big boy 30-point performance came from nowhere. Even though it was surprising to everyone (including Latavius Murray), you still get not only the Double B’s (if you can even find them under the sweater), but before you enter the playoffs you’re also going for some time in the “do better” chair, because you sat 11- and 12-point average receivers in order to play captain of industry Cecil Shorts “the third,” who incidentally has yet to score his second, let alone third, touchdown this season. Are you shocked? Because the 1-10 Jaguars are not. Did you know they have something called “Jagsgiving?” I didn’t check it out but I assume the title ends with “sad handjobs.”
And so ends another chapter in the MKFFL logbook. I have been waiting around all season to make fun of you shit sipping frittata’s, so I’m only half-sorry this thing is so long. That’s what I say to your moms, too. TacoCorp™…AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
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