“If the playoffs were to start today (fill in the blank)
would be in the playoffs.” You will hear
these annoying words uttered on ESPN, Fox Sports, NBC and various other “sports
news” outlets until the regular season ends.
You may even hear them from our esteemed commish himself (after
listening to 1 of his 8 Matthew Berry Fantasy Sit em or Start em podcasts for
the day). One team you will NOT fill in
the blank with is the Limp Dixons or Calvin Johnson’s Ankle or whatever other
dumb name you’ve decided on for this week.
1-10! That’s not just bad, that’s
Taco bad. You have earned your seat in
the “Do Better Chair” for the rest of the season.
A few members of the MillerKuz FFL were playing a friendly
game of poker at the awesome home of our newest member, Aleppo Faith. In the midst of the game Fadrick mentioned a
text message chain for the league.
Roger, E and Crop all laughed at what was said by other members of the
league: Travis and Sam.
VI: What text chain are you talking
about?
AF: The text chain for our fantasy
football league, aren’t you on it?
VI: I have no clue what you’re
talking about; I’m not on any text chain.
LD: You have to have an iPhone to
be in it, ya f#*&$t.
RG: I don’t like looking at blue
messages. Get an iPhone and you can be
on it.
At this point it all became clear. For weeks I had thought that Roger was at
Dave and Buster’s watching football on Sundays.
He listens to everything else Matthew Berry says, so I didn’t think this
would be any different. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud9cEXeTToc. I didn’t realize having a Droid was the
equivalent of having to drink from the “colored” water fountain.
Well now that we have seen proof of who the real minority is
in this league, here is this week’s breakdown:
Stud of the Week:
Raging Polacks. With
162.4 points, that makes 2 out of the past 3 weeks in the league, and 260 out
of the past 260 weeks in her marriage, that Laura has been the SOTW. RP, one of the hottest teams in the league,
beat up on Knuckle Junction, one of the coldest teams in the league, this
week. KJ is really in a tailspin, losing
4 straight. You will still make the
playoffs, though, with the teams below you barely surpassing your win total
when you combine all of theirs. You know
things are going badly when you have Mark Sanchez on your bench and he
outscores Philip Rivers, not that it would have mattered. Well done Laura.
Honorable Mention:
Barrister’s Balls, owned by our commissioner, Roger Good, er
I mean, DJ. A very respectable 144.7
this week beating, yours truly, Vandelay Industries. I hate to give you any credit, but you were
able to post the 2nd highest point total this week with a 0 in your
lineup. You must have listened to
Matthew Berry’s podcast on “deep leagues” and picked up CJ Anderson. We all know you had never heard of him until
Berry said to pick him up. Just like a
storm trooper with a weak mind, you listen to whatever Matthew Berry tells
you. Just do me a favor and don’t veto
any masterful trades this year on Thanksgiving.
Fadrick, I’ll be in touch next Thursday around noon.
The Willy Lowman:
Aleppo Faith. The
length and grueling nature of the MillerKuz FFL season may finally be getting
to our newest member, Dr. Danny Fadi Grey.
His bench, with only 3 players playing and 4 on a bye, nearly outscored
his starters this week. Granted, he did
have 4 players on a bye, but judging who those players were, he could have done
worse. There is some good news, Fadi,
you are still in the playoff hunt with 5 wins and you do have 4 more wins than
Cropcho. The man who has changed his
team name more times this year than he has wins. Embarrassing.
Bench Bomb:
There was not truly a real bench bomb this week, as no
team’s highest bench scorer would have made a difference. But in the interest of completing this
section, Kenny Britt with 29.8, was left on Fadrick’s bench. As previously stated, it would not have made
a difference.
Jimmy Graham Jock Slap of the Week:
Mike Evans of the Raging Polacks with an absurd 47.9
points! Yes, the same Mike Evans who
made Johnny Manziel the overhyped QB he was at Texas A&M.
There it is ladies and gentlemen, Week 11 is complete. What will the final 2 weeks of the season
bring? Unfortunately, nothing more than
playoff positioning. Sam, Crop and Taco
are all mathematically eliminated and Sowerby pretty much is too. Regardless, you all had horrible seasons. The only thing Sam defended was his awful
draft day decision to waste money to move up in the draft.
I guess we saved the best for last – Taco, you’re up. Time
for Vandelay Industries to go manufacture some latex.
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