This week, I present yet another writing gimmick to keep me from writing a short novella about this week's action so I can, at least, pretend to be a well-adjusted, productive member of society. If only for a night.
I've used this structure in college once or twice. It's an insanely simple premise, but it will make sure I don't go on for paragraphs about how absurd it is that Marshawn Lynch finds it acceptable to declare himself sidelined at 1:02 pm EST in complete disregard of the millions of people that care more about fantasy football than the games on the field. Let us know before 1pm, Marshawn. Show some respect.
But I digress. The top five/bottom five consists of two sides - the top and the bottom. Stay with me here. The top will contain the five most entertaining/hilarious occurrences in the league this week and the bottom will detail the five worst/unfunny occurrences in the league this week. Admittedly, most things are funny to some people and not others especially in fantasy football, but I've already committed to this. We're doing it. Deal with it.
Top Five:
1. The Big Sandwich's unbelievable luck. TBS's luck literally numbs my mind. It almost doesn't make sense. Cedric Benson (Cin) was on a bye and so was Kendall Hunter (SF). Side note: How many useless 49'ers RB's do I have to deal with this year? At least Anthony Dixon is out of the league and my life. Anyway, because of those two byes, TBS was forced to play rookie Cowboys' RB, Demarco Murray. All Murray did was take his first carry 91 yards to the 21-point-play house. From there he merely scampered for a franchise record 253 yards and a rookie fantasy record of 39 points. Not sure if that's actually a rookie fantasy record, but I'm going to go with it. Sounds plausible.
2. Dunn Giveashit's new team logo. The Gronk dunn givashit either, and for that, we applaud him. Dunn Giveashit is also, as far as I can remember, the first second-highest week total to lose to the Stud of the Week (TBS, naturally). In other words, had the DG's been playing anyone else this week, he would have won, but instead, he was stuck playing TBS, so he lost - by nine points.
3. The Nolans breaking the 100 point barrier in an otherwise bad fantasy week. Despite playing Damien Williams, who, before typing his name, I had never even heard of previously. Needless to say, he scored 0 points. But Arian Foster woke up from his nightmare of a season and ran for 100 yards as well as going for another 100 yards through the air. And, by the way, he also scored three touchdowns. Good for 48 points. Big Ben also proved why you should never sit him in favor of Mark Sanchez recording 31 points. Big week for the Nolans.
4. Vandelay Industries RB atrocity. VI started three RB's. Ray Rice, Darren McFadden and the aforementioned Marshawn Lynch combined for 4 total points. This would normally go in a bottom five, but its funny and entertaining for everyone because VI still managed to win his Week 7 match up by 13 points. Okay, so it's funny for everyone except The Big Mac Attack.
5. Barrister's Balls and Jimmy Graham. Jimmy Graham scoring 17 points in an epic blowout of the Colts is not, funny, entertaining or even out of the ordinary, but when you couple it with the BB owner's comments about said 17-point performance it at least is good for a chuckle. In a semi-rant proclaiming Jimmy Graham's greatness, DJ actually said the following: "Yeah, good thing Jimmy Graham is just jock-slapping everyone." The context of a recently new father screaming that walking out the door of a professional institution of higher learning makes it all the better.
Bottom Five:
1. William Wallace's point total - or lack thereof. WW recorded 55 points this week. That is the lowest total score since George Filopolopolous dropped 43 points on the final week of last season. (For those curious, the lowest total ever recorded in our league thus far is 42 - ironically last year's Week 6 total from The Big Sandwich.) WW had 47 points going into the Monday night game with Joe Flacco still to play. Unfortunately for WW and the general Baltimore area residents, Joe Flacco forgot he was supposed to play last night. He had only 8 points. Not the lowest starting QB total in our league this week. Thumbs up to the Hump for Matt Hasselbeck's 6 points.
2. Injuries everywhere. Tim Hightower, RIP. Santana Moss, out 5-7 weeks. Beanie Wells, out 2 weeks. Darren McFadden, injured. Matt Stafford, injured again. Jahvid Best, concussed. Willis McGahee, out 1-2 weeks. That's just some decently relevant fantasy players I could think of off the top of my head. Injuries and byes are forcing some questionable starts from all of us. The worst of which is Knuckle Junction being forced to go back to Knowshon Moreno last week. I'll also be forced to use him this week. Unfunny.
3. Bench Bomb of the Week. This is a bottom five item for the Hump, but really it could easily be a top five item for the rest of us, especially the Barrister's Balls. At any rate, this week's bench bomb goes to the Hump for inexplicably leaving Plaxico Buress on his bench electing instead to start Greg Little. Greg Little earned 3 points. Plaxico only had four catches for 25 yards, but three of those four catches were touchdowns. Plaxico totaled 20 points. If the Hump had put in Plax, he would have beaten the BB's by 7 points. God bless fantasy football.
4. Playoff standings. Places 4th through 8th are log jammed at 4-3. There are five teams potentially one loss away from being on the outside of the playoff picture looking in. It is not a place anyone wants to be. Its like walking on egg shells if there were hundreds of dollars and personal pride at stake. Things are getting tight in the middle. Stay tuned, every win counts.
5. The Big Mac Attack's week total. Not only did BMA record the second-lowest score this week (69), but to the extreme displeasure of our commissioner, BMA refuses to trade Tom Brady or Cam Newton. Cam Newton, in BMA's defense, is the only player who scored real points this week for his squad and Tom Brady was on a bye. But, the problem with your QB's being your best two players is that you can't play them both. Just some food for thought, BMA.
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