We have a new addition to the league this week. Her name is Marlo Isabella Miller, she sleeps 16 hours a day and requires a diaper-change almost once an hour. She was born 10/11/11, four days later than expected. Mom maintains that Marlo delayed her own birth because the baby was afraid that Dad would try to trade her for the likes of Matthew Stafford and/or Cam Newton. Fortunately for the child, and everyone involved, no such deal has been made (yet).
We hope someday Marlo is a full-fledged member of the league, or at the very least helps her father get out of his own way. As for the current members of the league, this week, each team is grouped into one of two categories: Contenders or Pretenders. Since this is (kind of) the half way point of the regular season, we'll give our thoughts on where teams stand.
To clarify, in order to be considered a Contender a team would have to be, in the opinion of our crack staff here at the Newsletter, in contention for a spot in the money at the end of the year. A Pretender, conversely, is, again in our unbiased opinion, not in contention to win any money. Winning money, for those unsure, would require a team to finish in the top three in overall point production after all 17 weeks or finish as the Playoff champion or runner-up.
As always, if you're offended by which category your team landed in, save it. I don't care. And, remember, excuses are just reasons why you aren't good at things. Be better.
The teams in each category appear in no particular order. And away we go...
Pretenders:
William Wallace - Jahvid Best can only win you so many match ups, and since he is currently concussed for the second time this season and the (approximately) 23rd time in his college/professional career, it seems like he won't be scampering for too many more 88-yard touchdowns. At 1-5 WW is in serious jeopardy of not even making the playoffs. Also, WW is third-from-the-bottom in total point production thus far. Hey, but at least WW was the Stud of the Week once this year. Baby steps, Taco, baby steps. But, really, Anthony Dixon...still?
The Big Mac Attack - The Miami Dolphins are 0-6. The BMA is 1-5. The two may not seem to be related, but consider this: The BMA utilizes not one, but two, Dolphin offensive "weapons." Reggie Bush's 36 yard run last night was his longest since last year, and Brandon Marshall has a borderline personality disorder. I'm just saying...think about it. Also, the re-occurring Bench Bomb that is Tom Brady/Cam Newton continues to be the elephant in the league. How 'bout considering flipping one of those QB's for some legitimate RB's and/or WR's. Again, just think about it.
George Filopolopolous - At 1-5, GF is probably a Tom Brady away from 5-1. Well, that's probably not true, but GF is the unfortunate recipient of some bad luck - the bizarro Hump, as it were. GF's opponents have outscored GF by over a hundred points. That, however, doesn't change the fact that GF is 1-5 with hopes of the playoffs fading like Donovan McNabb's career - quickly.
Wicked of Lately - The second member of the Pakrafter-Tardiff household on the Pretender side of the list. Sad days on Larkin's Way. In fact, GF owns the single-worst week point total (57: Week 3) and WL owns the second-worst week point total (64: Week 6). Drew Brees is the only player for WL consistently producing points and now, Felix Jones is injured as well. We appreciate WL's grinding on the Wavier Wire - can't knock the hustle - but unfortunately, it doesn't look like WL stands much chance to win any money at 2-4 and standing squarely in the second-to-last slot on the points production ladder.
Nolan United - Settle down, Nolans, hear me out. At 3-3 I'll agree that the Playoffs aren't out of the question, in fact, if the Playoffs started today, you'd be the No. 8 seed, so there's hope. Just not a lot. As for point-production money, the Nolans have about as much chance as winning money for total points as I do of being America's Next Top Model. Also, the Nolans are dead last in total point production thus far and 176 points from taking the lead. So, money for point-production is completely out of the question. The Playoffs are possible, but running the table three straight weeks after they begin, remains a long shot.
Contenders:
Barrister's Balls - Dear, BB. Please stop sending me email's that read, in its unedited entirety, "Lance Kendricks is also available." That is not helpful to anyone. Instead, BB should be concentrating his efforts on trading with someone who is actually interested, which, in all fairness, seems to be no one. So there's that. Regardless of the trade-offer antics, BB finds himself in third place in both the overall standings and overall points. Not too shabby. Are you sure you need a trade?
Vandelay Industries - Behind the second-best RB1 and RB2 combo in the league, the defending champion has roared back from his 0-2 start. Ray Rice and Run DMC are doing some serious work for VI. VI is also fifth in total points, which puts him in contention for some total-point cash dollars. Not that he needs it after his win in both the Playoff bracket and total-points last year. Also, the name changes, in all its irrational glory, seemed to work. One last additional question: True or False, your chest is bigger than that of any player on your fantasy roster?
Chester Humpley - Haters gon' hate, but The Hump continues to win games and score points. CH is sixth in overall points and only 61 points away from third place, which is attainable. He has produced at least 100 points in all but two weeks. For those of you clamoring that his luck will run out, it very well might. But, does it have to? Absolutely not. We, as a collective league, could be in for one year-long Hump. Who knows? All I know is that at 5-1 it would take some pretty terrible luck and overall incompetence not to make the playoffs at this point, which I think we can all agree isn't out of the question, but it's a long shot.
Whore Hands - Currently WH is just outside of the total point-production money in fourth place, which is where he also finds himself in the overall standings. The Pirates season (mercifully) ended some time ago, so WH's sporting attention has been placed entirely on his fantasy football team, which is a good thing for him and a bad thing for the rest of us seeing that Wes Welker is well on his way to amassing 2,000 total yards and (approximately) 13 50+ yard touchdowns.
Knuckle Junction - The most consistent scorer in the league. KJ is the only team in the league to score at least 100 points in every week. Yeah, I've lost 3 times. Awesome. I might be 3-3, but I've managed to post the second-highest points-for total (707), only 15 points off the lead. Led by the best RB's in the league and a whole mess of awful QB's, KJ is not the team you want to see in a match up anytime soon. Unless, of course your George Filopolopolous and you play me next week when both Shady McCoy and Fred "Best Pick of the Draft" Jackson are on byes.
Dunn Giveashit - DG may seem to be on the down swing, posting only 79 points in each of the last two weeks, but it's hard to argue with 4-2 making the playoffs at this point of the season especially when so many teams are 1-5. Other than Frank Gore, there are some serious problems at RB, namely, the starting RB formerly known as Tim Hightower and Marion Barber. DG might be the wobbliest of Contenders, but to this point, all hope is not lost.
The Big Sandwich - TBS has been the leader in points (722) from the first snap with no signs of slowing down yet. TBS has also been the leader in the overall standings in all but one week when the undefeated Hump reigned supreme. Aaron Rodgers is averaging 30.2 points per week. 30 points a week. That's beyond description, even for me. If and when Cedric Benson ever gets suspended for his latest infraction which escapes me at the moment but probably has something to do with hitting a woman, organizing a drug deal or general debauchery, TBS will have a hole in his roster big enough for Bam Bam Morris to run through. Things could get interesting.
Fact I Found Doing Research That I Had To Pass Along:
There are two teams that have not added a single player to their roster since the draft. That, as we all know, saves those individuals the cost of doing business. Quite literally. Those two teams are The Big Mac Attack and William Wallace. Saving money might seem like a good strategy, but only if you have a good draft. Their collective 2-10 record would indicate neither of them had such a draft, but to each their own, right?
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