Additionally, I would like to officially welcome the neophytes to the (in)famous Millerkuz Newsletter. The newbies went an impressive 2-1 in their first week match ups and the only loser - The Big Mac Attack - was the leagues highest scoring loser, which is a lot like being the tallest midget, but even midgets need a silver lining.
In brief, the newsletter works as follows: We start by congratulating the highest scoring team of the week as well as the second highest scoring team in the Stud of the Week and the Honorable Mention respectively. Then we move to the Willy Lowman of the Week and the Honorable Mention, which allows us to laugh at the two worst teams of the week. Then we'll add some random categories and mock stupid things done by relatively smart individuals.
The Stud of the Week - The Big Sandwich blew up all over the Big Mac Attack and the rest of the league this week posting 143 points, made all the more impressive after the Steelers' D/ST blew up all over themselves and posted a -3. Kenny Britt overcame the fact that Matt Hasselbeck is his quarterback and threw down 32 points. Even Matt Forte and Cedric Benson got in on the fun. Benson, fresh off his stint in jail, and only available because of time off for good behavior posted a 19 for the victorious Bengals. Answering the age-old question: If the Bengals and the Browns play in Week 1 and absolutely no one cares, is there still a winner? Apparently, yes.
All around great point maximization from TBS as his bench posted a solid number of zeros and includes a man by the name of Titus Young.
Honorable Mention - Our first newcomer to get a spot in the newsletter - Whore Hands aka Proxy Vote. Even though the real Steve Smith ran circles around the Arizona Defense and scored 36 points for the WH bench, they still managed to post the second highest total. If you start Smith this week, he'll probably go for three dozen against Charles Woodson and the Packers. Try it. WH should be eternally grateful for Wes Welker (35 pts) after Wes bailed him out quicker than Manny Ramirez. Seriously, it took someone an entire day come up with the $2,500 to bail out Manny "for being Manny," or (allegedly) beating his wife as the case may be. Two WR's with 30 point weeks? Awesome. Welcome to the league. Also, I hate you.
The Willy Lowman of the Week - Wicked of Lately. WL managed to put up the only "healthy" zero in a starting lineup this week thanks to the only Raven that didn't score against the Steelers this week - Lee Evans. Other than Drew Brees, no one wanted to play this week for WL. Seventy eight points is not a lot, but its even less when you consider Drew Brees scored 31 of them. The other 47 points came from a conglomeration of single-digit starts and two other double-digit adults - Felix Jones (11) and the dismal Arizona D/ST (16). There are three zeros sitting on that bench as well, so good luck turning this ship around. Additionally, Peyton Manning has nerve damage in his neck that just required a second surgery, not sure if you heard.
Honorable Mention - This is a newsletter first. We have a tie for second-worst. Congratulations to both the Lounge Lizards (aka Lizzy) and William Wallace (aka Taco). Congratulations for being pretty terrible at fantasy football.
Since we don't allow ties here, we're going to settle this by deciding who was worse this week. Taco's bench put up 72 points which has "missed opportunities" written all over it. Lizzy's bench only (and "only" in this context is extremely relative) put up 67 points, which also has "missed opportunities" written all over it just not in large capital letters with a Sharpie marker. So Taco takes it. Well played.
Fun Things to Do When Watching Terrible Players Try to Score Points for Your Team:
When you verbally urge your RB to make it back to the digital blue line of scrimmage every time he touches the ball this is a sign of two things: One, the RB is not good and should stay on your bench. Two, you need to settle down. Next time, keep in mind that positive thoughts yield positive results. Also keep in mind that that last sentence does not apply to Knowshon Moreno. But hey, at least it gave DJ something to do during the 4:15 game.
Obligatory Kicker Fact:
Nate Kaeding, RIP, is no longer a feasible fantasy option, sorry Proxy Vote. In other news, Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63-yard FG Monday night, because obviously The Big Sandwich needed even more points this week. When it rains it pours.
Terrible Player(s) That
First and foremost, the 49'ers D/ST completely validated the Nolans seemingly irrational belief in all things Bay Area. Sorry, Taco, but I have two words for you: Ted Ginn, Jr. Back-to-back 108 and 55 yard kick returns is two steps away from a grown man named Kenny dropping 32 points in a single week. Sorry, Big Mac.
Current Reason I Hate This League:
I've already spent $10 on Free Agents, and one of them was to replace my kicker. Thanks alot, Vinatieri.
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