2016 - Week One

So, I had a busy week.

My DVR was at 79% full.

I watched no less than three 9/11 documentaries courtesy of the History Channel and I watched more English Premier League soccer matches than should be allowed.

I'm down to 54%. I guess the OJ Simpson documentary will have to wait for yet another week.

To summarize, I'm fine, I was just busy. And, for the record, if anyone is concerned about my well-being, you can call/text me directly. The Commish is too busy swimming laps and playing golf to field your questions about my Newsletter tardiness.

Without further adieu, welcome to the 2016 edition of this league's Newsletter.

Stud of the Week: Yes. It's Taco. AJ Green might still be scoring points. (No really, he may be since you're reading this on a Sunday and hes being covered by the likes of Willie Gay) Forty-three on for Week 1 will do, I guess (JG Jockslap). Stephen Gostkowski was drafted in the 6th round of our draft by Taco (all numbers approximate), but after his first week performance, can we really even be mad? Gostkowski scored 14 points - more than either of Taco's running backs. Shout out to Mark Ingram and Frank Gore. The most unbelievable part of all of this is that Taco picked his own team this year. He also picked Sterling Shepard and Chris Hogan - two players of whom I have never heard. But that might be is definitely more of an indictment on me than Taco.

Speaking of which, the Willy Loman of the Week: Who else? KJ. Hide your kids, hide your wife, this is about to be the worst fantasy season anyone has ever seen. Referring to my team as hot garbage, while accurate, is wholly unfair to hot garbage. And besides, hot garbage isn't anyone's fault. It's the result of warm weather between garbage man pick-ups and the effect of heat on already decomposing food and diapers. My team, on the other hand, was, for lack of a better word, intentional. I'd say I'm embarrassed, but I think all of you reading this know I have no shame. My team scored less than 67 (!) points. Seven teams' (out of 12, or more than 50%) benches scored more points than my starters. INCLUDING MY OWN. You can't make this stuff up. I fully plan on making board bets to earn back the $100.00 I lit on fire. I will entertain all comers.

Stud Honorable Mention: Toner's Boners. I am boycotting your new team name until you change it to something that doesn't make me want to jump off the Liberty Bridge (RIP). Larry Fitzgerald is still killing it and your team name is killing the rest of us.

Loman Honorable Mention: The only other one not to crack triple digits - Rumblin Bumblin Dicksons 8=====D~~. Your team is terrible. Let's make some board bets together that way at least one of us can feel like a winner - brief as it may be.

Bench Bomb(s) of the Week: Considering the Balls and the Sandwich combined for 207.3 bench points, their match up was rife with bombs. For the Sandwich, the Vikings D/ST and Matthew Stafford were on the wrong side of their line up. Good news? Even if you played both of those players you still would have lost to the Balls who left Willie Snead's 9 catches for 172 yards and a touchdown on the outside looking in. Bad news? DJ's decision has been made for him and Willie will likely play from here on out since Keenan Allen's dead.

Kicker Stat of the Week: Open Wide's Dan Bailey put up an impressive 19 points who wiped the floor with the almost-as-impressive kicking opponent this week (Taco's Gostkowski). Also, Dan Bailey who kicks footballs for the Dallas Cowboys scored more fantasy points than every single player in my starting line up this past week. it's going to be a long year.

For that, Fadrick, you are the author of next week's Newsletter. Here's hoping your DVR isn't as full.