NOLAN UNITED HQ
Date: 9/24/2014
Time: 9:31 p.m.
Upon learning that The Polacks nominated us to draft this week’s newsletter….
Natalie: “So do you think the league would appreciate it if we only discussed teams that had drafted Niners as part of this week’s newsletter?
Nolan: “Uhhh, no.”
Date: 9/27/2014
Time: 8:28 p.m.
Natalie bounding down the steps, iPad in hand and open to the ESPN FF App. Nolan planted firmly on the couch watching highlights of the day’s events, bourbon in hand. Natalie – looking at the projected score of our matchup with TBS (at the time we were projected to win by approximately 70 points) – laments…
“It figures the one time that we wax somebody we have to write the newsletter. It would be bad form to brag about it, right???”
Nolan – “Uhhhhhhhhhh, no.”
While we didn’t score the full on Brazilian bikini wax on TBS given the performance of DeMarco Murray and “Jock-slap” Jimmy Graham that night, we will unabashedly and without any shame declare ourselves the Stud(s) of the Week. While Nolan, himself, has been declared the Stud of the Week many of times (ahem), this is a first for Mrs. Nolan and she is quite proud of this first time accomplishment for NU, especially given that we beat out our arch nemesis Knuckle Junction and the Raging Polacks for the award. Side note – Lobos Latinos got the full-on Brazilian, French, full-body Nair bath waxing having lost to the Polacks by 81.9 points. Double side note – that’s more points than Lobos actually scored. Yikes.
Speaking of firsts – we have our first violation of Article V of the League Constitution a/k/a The Taco Rule by Aleppo Faith, who after sprinting out of the gates has hit a 2 game skid. AF started the idle Denver defense. Was it because of inattentiveness? Not wanting to incur the transaction fee to pick up another D/ST? A failure to know the rules/ not reading the Constitution? A bender? Doesn’t matter – you’ve violated the League Constitution. You will be receiving your written warning from the Commish’s office by week’s end. One more violation and $5 fine will be levied.
Couple of thoughts on this issue:
- We’ve heard some rumblings in the ranks that AF should be given leniency as it is his first year and this was the first bye week. We thought we’d reach out to the Commish for comment. After a few innocuous questions regarding The Taco Rule and leniency, the Commish responded:
“I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Aleppo Faith, and you curse the Commish. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Aleppo Faith's warning, while tragic, saves the integrity of the league. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves the integrity of the league. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. I use words like jock-slap, the Taco Rule, Suck Differential™, bench-bombs. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a league who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very integrity that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an iPad, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.”
Well then……
- AF is now on double, not-so-secret probation and is the winner of the first official Do Better Chair award. AF could’ve picked up almost any D/ST and would’ve beat BB. Hint: AP ain’t coming back anytime soon. Time to cut that cord or risk that he will beat you with it. (Too soon?) Take a seat AF and think about how you can do better.
- This was a really unfortunate misstep as it meant that Barrister’s Balls eeked out a win by 0.2 points (119.2-119). Barrister’s Balls remains undefeated, saved by the new decimal point rule. You are welcome. It stings even more because if we recall correctly, in previous years Aleppo Faith would have won the tie-breaker with least bench points. In the words of Gloria Clemente – “Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.” (For all you young-inz out there, that’s from the 1992 classic “White Men Can’t Jump.”)
Six Things We Think
- Lobos Latinos found the line and crossed it – not starting Jamal Charles in lieu of Alfred Morris or Fred Jackson? While AF could have beaten BB had he started Rueben Randle over Eric Decker (or a D/ST for that matter), he’s taken his fair share of abuse already. But not starting Jamal Charles is just downright unconscionable. Lobos grabs the Bench Bomb award. Honorable Mention – Suck Ass Team Number 12 for starting “superstar” Brandin Cooks (8.1 pts) over Keenan Allen (24.5 pts).
- One team that can’t be accused of a Bench Bomb this past week was Toner’s Boners. Toner’s Boner’s had an impressively low Suck Differential ™ this past week with just 16.2 bench points. We’re not sure what sucks more, losing after having left an enormous amount of points on the bench or realizing you practically played to your full potential and still losing.
- Five D/ST squads scored 5 points or less, 3 of which were actually in the red. That is killer. We should see a lot of action on the waiver wire this week.
- This week’s Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap award goes to Knuckle Junction’s San Francisco 49er Frank Gore! (See, Mrs. Nolan knew we could squeeze in a Niner shout-out). Frank Gore really showed up on Sunday with 31.4 points. Ok, ok, we suppose we should also mention non-49er Steve Smith who helped a little too by putting up 39.9.
A combined total of 71.3 points from these 2 is impressive and certainly helped Knuckle Junction secure the win.
- The Willy Lowman of the Week award goes to Taco and Lobos Latinos yet again. But surely his bookshelf does not have room for another. Mrs. Nolan wanted to spare Taco as he has the 49ers D/ST (even though he didn’t bother playing them), but you just can’t ignore 77.2 points. So, time to build another bookshelf.
Honorable Mention –
Suck-Ass Team Number 12. We’re not entirely sure why Crop insists on changing his team name practically every week, but clearly that strategy is not working. It could be worse though, you could have drafted Tom Brady.
Wicked of Lately. Last year’s MillerKuz FFL winner is now winless at 0-4. Maybe his unprecedented purchase of a draft pick was not such a good idea after all. The object of his desire – Eddie Lacy – has certainly not been worth it.
If you think it’s bad now, wait until that new baby comes and you really have no time or desire to analyze Suck Differentials™ and email trade proposals. If you have any hope, you better start practicing your swaddling skills now. Speaking of which, Wicked of Lately, you’re up for next week’s newsletter. We can’t remember the due date so if the baby is truly imminent feel free to pass along to someone else. We look forward to hearing about the latest updates on Eric and Jessie Decker-Game On. We just hope you’re not waiting for that show to return for any parenting advice.
- While we have thus far appreciated the league's rotating newsletter, drafting this newsletter almost caused Nolan United to un-unite.
Peace & Love & Hopefully Re-Uniting.
No comments:
Post a Comment