Raging Pollacks

Seeing as this league is overrun with attorneys, it's only fitting that I start with a disclaimer. I'm writing quickly before a teacup human cries or jumps on my lap inadvertently deleting this entire newsletter. So forgive the lack of detailed analysis (I'd rather kill myself) and typos.  But let's be honest, you're all just skimming to see if your team got a shout out.

So far this season the NFL has been like an afterschool special, with each week tackling a different topic.  Let’s recap what we’ve learned thus far: don’t beat your wife, don’t beat your kids and now, don’t get insane road rage.  While most normal human beings already know this stuff, it did teach me a new favorite phrase.  Bill Crawford on WDVE said his wife is so the opposite of Adrian Peterson, she has a “Do Better Chair” instead of timeout.  I’ve found this phrase applicable to both morons in my everyday life and fantasy football i.e. Marques Colston.  And myself for playing him two weeks in a row. Carolina D, Eddie Lacy…CHAIR. 

You know the saying that defense wins championships. At halftime Thursday, I thought I had wisely stashed the Tampa Bay (none) defense on my bench. They had given up 35 points and were in the negative. Seeing as the players’ families and DJ were the only ones to watch the second half, imagine my surprise when I found out that after giving up a staggering 54 points, my benched D earned 16 points. WTF?  Fast forward to Sunday. I'm winning by 3 against the Big Sandwich thinking there was no way Ben and his fat head wouldn't gift the Carolina D at least a sack or interception. Imagine my surprise when the Carolina D yielded negative points and I won. I repeat. I WON. The take away?  Besides shut outs I have no idea how defenses work, or if they do. But I'm glad they don't. Cause I won one finally.

Let’s get to the standard newsletter “fun” facts:

Stud of the week- Toners Boners. I'm not gonna study your line up. But I'm pretty sure you could have scored 1000 if you had set your lineup just right. Drafting 11th is where it's at. Who knew?  Honorable mention- Vandalay.  Mostly for the smoldering new FaceBook profile pic from his wedding. 

Willy Lowman of the week- When it rains, it pours. Literally. For those of you who don't watch Channel 4, you might not know Taco spent the majority of the week as a refugee of the Mexican government. That’s not a joke.  That’s real life, for Taco at least. So I was all ready to declare force majeure and put Girthy here instead, until Caleb said he made a lineup move Saturday when Jamal Charles was still questionable. Hey Taco, in MERICA we play football on Sunday. Plus I can't really talk ill of Marlo's bestie Crop. 

Jimmy Graham jock slap- Julio Jones.  There isn’t much funny about Julio that I can tell.  Except that he edged out DJ’s guy.  Speaking of, DJ asked me last night if I knew the only unbeaten team. Let me guess...you, you asshole?  To be honest seeing as how stressed out he is watching games on Sundays, I would have never guessed.  GET YOUR LIFE RIGHT MAN.

Bench bomb- Suck Pump Bradshaw could have meant a win for the Big Sammie, but thank god his name and the fact that he plays for the Giants spooked him.  Ironically it was E’s stupid newsletter that led me to similarly bench Cruz.  Not a good job.  Honorable mention to all the Jacksons on Caleb’s bench. 

Well, hope you’ve somewhat enjoyed.  And if not, Do Better when it’s your turn.  Speaking of…NOLANS.  You’re up.