Boy, this has been a real kick-in-the-dick-with-Heidi-Klum-waiting-for-insertion-in-the-other-room
type of fantasy football season so far, hasn’t it? For those of you that don’t
like the metaphor, this number speaks for itself: 12. That’s how many relevant
offensive players were knocked out of their respective games on Sunday.
Actually, now that I take another look at the scoreboard, the injuries caused
maybe one team (Vandalay) to unfairly lose this week. Maybe that wasn’t such a
great stat overall – I’ll try better.
And I’ll try better now. I would like to debut my newest
statistical concoction with the release of my version of the newsletter: The Suck Differential™. Through a series of very impressive
mathematically complex and sophisticated formulas and algorithms, I know who
needs to stop consulting Matthew Berry and start using their own brain. Okay,
actually I just compared actual lineup scores to optimal lineup scores and
called that difference a mildly offensive yet descriptive name, The Suck Differential™. So, here are the results: The Big
Sandwich was our Big Suck™ for week 1, having a differential of
48.1. For week 2, and also for the season overall, Wicked of Lately won the
title with a differential of 44.2 and is currently holding a season average of
39 Suck Points™. If this league wasn’t mostly one of hate and despair I’d
say who was doing well too, but I won’t, because it is a league of hate and
despair. Just know that no one has attained a Suck Differential™
of 0, so we’re just all not that great (Disclaimer: The Suck Differential™
does not include D/ST bonus touchdowns because I don’t care to research that much – I have shit to do in my
life).
And now for my narrative on Week 2 of the MillerKuz League:
Stud of the Week:
While The Big Sandwich may have been the Big Suck™ in Week 1, he was a Big
Stud™ in Week 2, scoring
173.5 points and completely annihilating Taco by 104.3 points (that translates
to about an 800 point loss when translated to pesos, Taco). Even if DeSean
Jackson and Jamaal Charles had arisen from the dead and combined to form some
kind of racially superior Megazord, a la the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers for
you dorks out there, the Lobos Latinos still wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Runner Up:
David John James Miller and his Balls just barely escaped
the grasp of Delanie Walker’s career high of 37.2 fantasy points. He outscored
DJ’s latest draft day proclamation of “the next Jimmy Graham”, Ladarius Green,
by 37.2. Since Ladarius scored 0 points (while Jamblow let his counterpart
Antonio Gates rot away on his bench while scoring 34.6 points) the math was
really easy right there – thanks DJ. I really hate that I have to keep staring
at DJ’s team, but I might as well keep on going while the agony is fresh and
proclaim the Jimmy Graham
“he’s-black-but-has-red-hair-so-we-really-aren’t-too-sure-of-how-big-his-Jockstrap-really-is”
Jockslap of the Week: Jordy Nelson.
Good old Jordy is doing a great job of showing puss-face
Robert Griffin III of how to make a comeback from an injury. He caught 9 balls
for over 200 yards and 1 TD. I’m not sure how you can record that many yards –
enough for 2 football fields – and only score 1 TD, so it’s actually not that
impressive to me, and Jordy Nelson can eat a dick. Learn how to get some YAC
son. And you can tell him I said that.
Willie Lowman of the
Week: UPMC.
Technically Taco scored the lowest amount of points this
week, but I’m lumping Laura into this mess as well because she’s actually
expected to do well, and also Taco had 2 injuries that diluted his score. You
two desperately need to bring on Whore Hands as a consultant or something, I
don’t really know what to tell yinz two.
Just Some Things I
Found Funny: Minnesota (but not the child abuse, clearly) and John Papelbon.
The Governor of Minnesota is calling for the Vikings to
deactivate Adrian Peterson. So much for all of that luck of the Irish, huh
Fadi? Good thing you’re hoarding about a million RBs on your bench, forcing me
to start bums like Toby Gerhart, thanks for that.
Roger Goodell will surely blow up if one more incident comes
to light. I also move to stop referring to DJ as Roger, Jamblow. He’s more of a
George W. Bush type of leader to me anyways.
Also, John Papelbon was banned 7 games for grabbing his dick
in response to an umpire last night. He’s now my favorite player ever. I bet he
has some real girth.
Bench Bomb of the
Week: JamblowGate.
Vandalay Industries would have easily deflated The Girth™ if he started Antonio Gates against the Seahawks. I mean,
that’s a no-brainer start, right? Either way, even though Jamblow made the
right choice, his timing just wasn’t right and he lost the game because of it. That
bad choice led to 27.7 points added to Jamblow’s Suck Differential™
for the week. Do better Jimmy. I hear some other teams are thinking about
consulting Whore Hands as to who they should start, you should get in on that.
That’s all I have for yinz guys today. I now have a shitload
of trademarks to go register. My nomination to write the next newsletter, on
time, please take note of my timing, is: Laura NK Miller. Get it gurly.
-Girth Out.
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