Week Five - Fluctuation

I'd like to think it was for the pretzel, but I can't be sure.

On Sunday, I was on my way to the city of Philadelphia, which anyone with a map and an IQ over 50 knows involves an unhealthy amount of I-76 and toll rate north of $25.00.

When I travel alone, I don't like to stop. It was only a 4.5 hour trip, I've done that in a car alone before. I'm not old enough to have a prostate problem, and I can eat/drink while driving because I'm not a chimp, so its easy enough to just keep driving.

Unless. Unless, of course, there are fantasy scores to be checked.

Public Service Announcement: Don't text and/or check fantasy football scores while driving in excess of 75 mph. It. Can. Wait.

I stopped at one of those deceptively convenient rest stops right along the Turnpike. I didn't even pee. I almost didn't get out of the car.  I stopped really just to check on my match up with The Big Mac Attack. I couldn't lose in consecutive weeks to Taco and BMA, our perpetual Lowmen. At that point, I was tied 95-95 with BMA with my new QB, P. Rivers and his kicker still to play. It was in the bag. I could finish my journey.

But not after I got my pretzel. Even though a bus of what looked like 8th graders walked in right before, I still figured it prudent to go in and cop myself an Auntie Anne original soft pretzel. After all, I do have a pulse.

Last week in the standings, I was in 9th place. This week I'm in 5th. I can't go back and check on everyone else's previous place in the standings, but I'm assuming I'm not the only one who's position has fluctuated. I mean, the Nolans were in first place three weeks ago. They've lost each week since. Landing them squarely in 10th place, and apparently, at the precipice of divorce court. That's some serious fluctuation.

Stud of the Week: Wicked of Lately finally emerges from underneath the massive pile of points his opponents were lumping on them the last couple of weeks to beat the Barrister's Balls and the rest of the league with a commendable 158 points. Only Marques Colston (3) did not break the double-digit barrier. It also never hurts that he owns the Tony Romo who not only lost his actual game and still scored 46 points, but also ruined DJ's Sunday (or season). WL really milked the Cowboys this week, also getting a relatively massive 26 point contribution from Jason Witten. For those of you who read this newsletter without a calculator, that's 72 Cowboy points. Also, shame on you.

Lowman of the Week: Oh sure, Taco. Score 168 points last week when you're playing my lowly squad and save your normal 82 point week for Vandelay Industries. Like Mr. 202 needs the help. It only took five weeks, but Taco finally started a "zero." Thanks for that, Ryan Matthews. In quarterback news, Sammy Bradford scored 12 more points than Thomas Brady. It's always good when your first round pick is considerably out-performed by the Ram's quarterback. And by good I mean "yikes."

Nolan (Quarterback) Update: Congrats, Nolans. You didn't make a mistake with your starting quarterbacks this week. This ends the good news. Fortunately, for comedy's sake, both of your quarterbacks scored a laughable 12 points. Mike Vick finally hurt himself and Colin Kaepernick lost his powers to the Monstars from Space Jam. The 49'er's D/ST is destroying the rest of the league and making me (and everyone else in the league) laugh hysterically in the process. Also, your kicker was your team's high scorer this week. Oh, and I may have mentioned this already, but since receiving a compliment from this very Newsletter, you've gone 0-3 and plummeted 9 spots in the standings. Still sure it's not a free fall?

The Opposite of a Bench Bomb: The Big Sandwich fell short of 100 points this week with their measly 92. But, did you look at their bench production? Their bench totaled 1 point. That's not a typographical error. ONE point. The only player who wasn't on a bye week and/or injured was Kenny Britt. Kenny scored one point. I can't be sure, but that might be the lowest bench production this league has ever seen. Sadly, the lineup could have been improved. Replace Andre Roberts' zero with Kenny's one and now you have 93. Congrats.

Conversely, Toner's Boner's, TBS' week five opponent, netted 99 bench points. His bench beat three starting lineups this week.

Shut Up, DJ: Yes, you scored the second most points this week. Yes, you lost to the only person in the league who could have beaten you. No, we do not care. No, you didn't make any lineup mistakes, but we still do not feel bad for you. For some perspective, take a look at the Points Against column on the standings page. Yes, you have the second most points against scored upon you thus far this year. But, seriously. Look at WL's total Points Against. It is 111 points more than you. New Rule: until these number change drastically, the only one allowed to complain is the 3-2 Wicked of Lately. But really, if you're in fourth place, you shouldn't be complaining anymore. Everyone has their plight.

James Jones!: Jimmy, stop hating James Jones. He will haunt you forever. OR TRADE HIM TO ME.

Charles Clay: Crop, stop the nonsense. Sit Clay down and let Vernon Davis run free. You should be commended for merely benching Davis though. It could have been worse, you could have dropped the 49er at the first sign of sub-par performance...