Week Four - Jimmy's Big Week

It felt a whole lot like rock bottom.

I was sitting on my toilet. Phone in hand. Lights off.

Okay, so that beginning sounds a lot worse than it actually was, but it's still the truth. I guess I was too lazy to turn the switch.

I never watch Sunday night football unless a player of mine is playing. I especially don't watch Sunday night football when a player I benched is playing (Thanks for being irrelevant, Mike Wallace). This night was another Sunday night sans football. But, I went to the bathroom and checked my fantasy team as I am wont to do. I was scrolling through the league scores. My matchup with Taco had long been over. You're welcome, Taco. I was, at this point of the night, checking merely to see if I would be the Willy Lowman of the Week. At that exact moment moment (some point during the second half), I was not. Big Mac still owned that dubious title.

I flipped to the standings, and as I flipped back to the scoreboard, I realized Big Mac had just scored 11 more points, (**SPOILER ALERT**) making me the Lowman. Thanks a lot, Jimmy Graham.

Not only was I the Lowman of the Week, but I watched it happen. On my phone. Sitting on my toilet. In the dark.

Stud of the Week: If my embarrassingly true story makes me the least happy league participant this week, our Stud of the Week is the happiest. His name is James Cafaro. He owns/operates Vandelay Industries. He scored 202 points this week. 202! As if eclipsing 200 points in any given week weren't cause enough for a legitimate celebration with alcohol and friends, James also got engaged this past weekend. I'm told he proposed to his lovely fiance, Caitlin, at Phipps. They drank champagne. Congrats, James.

But let's get back to the business at hand. I did not know until I sat down to write this Newsletter that James scored 202 points. I think I audibly gasped. Every single started scored at least 20 points except for Giovonni Bernard (because hes about 5'1") and Sebastian Janikowski (because he's a kicker). This is the first week he didn't mess up his receivers. The ageless Tony Gonzalez led his squad with 39 points. Jimmy Graham and the Saints may have made me the Lowman and won the game, but Good Old Uncle Tony walked away with the Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap honors for Week 4. Sorrys go out to Sam and Amy this week, but when it's James' week, just get out of his way.

Willy Lowman of the Week: Yours truly. I am currently entertaining offers for anyone not named Adrian Peterson. Actually, you can have AP if you bring the noise. But don't waste my time.

I only scored 92 points and was the only league member who managed to stay sub-100. My flex, 2 WR and TE combined for 6 points. Four position players = 6 points. Somehow, I managed to start a QB who is worse than Eli Manning. Seriously, is this real life?

If you take my score (92) and double it (184) it is still less than James' total (202) BY 18 POINTS. I think I'm going to cry.

Nolan's QB Decisions: I think I'm going to start tracking this on a weekly basis. The Nolan's picked the wrong quarterback this week. They started Colin Kaepernick. He scored 14 points. Mike Vick lost to Peyton by about 63 (real) points and still scored more than Kaepernick (16). Keep up the good work. Solid 0-2 showing since the compliment heard 'round the Newsletter in Week 2. I might just start complimenting everyone.

DJ's Quarterback Decisions: DJ picked up and started Matt Flynn of the Oakland Raiders. DJ, you know how I know you made a bad decision? I felt a very real need to say who Matt Flynn played for when I just typed his name in that last sentence. He was as bad as anyone would expect Oakland's backup quarterback to be. He scored 12 points. Funnier still: that's the same amount Russell Wilson scored this week. One of the best QB competitions you read about for the Balls in the coming weeks.

Overcoming Bombs: Raging Pollacks left two big weeks from receivers on her bench. Andre Johnson and Nate Washington combined for 54 points on her bench. RP still managed to bone Toner by 17 points. This was due in most part to the fact that Toner's Boner's RBs were almost as bad as my WRs/TE/Flex this week. This was due also in part to the fact that DJ told Laura to bench Fred Jackson and play Ray Rice and she completely ignored him. The lesson - as always: DJ has no idea what he's talking about.

Taco Making Moves: Public Service Announcement: Taco's Lobos Latinos have scored 138 and 168 points respectively in the last two weeks. Somebody learned how to play. He got his first win this week thanks in large part to the Colts D/ST and the atrocious conglomeration of players we call "Knuckle Junction."

Who the Hell is Charles Clay?: Some guy named Charles Clay scored 16 points for Boris Kochler this week. I have no idea who that is. Maybe that's why my team is awful. Cropcho proving once again that he knows more than he lets on set a balanced line up to beat The Big Sandwich. Everyone on his team scored in the double digits except for Dan Bailey (because he's a kicker. Amy, did you hear that...he scored only three points BECAUSE HE'S A KICKER.)