"Already having a lineup crisis. Thomas or Sudfeld? Whomever I sit will go off. Welcome to the new season."If you don't know who sent this, please stop reading.
You know the rest.
Our fearless commissioner sat Julian Thomas. Julian Thomas had 29 points. He started Zach Sudfeld. Zach Sudfeld had 0 points. That, my friends, is a bench bomb.
You can't make this stuff up.
Welcome to the 2013 edition of the MillerKuz Fantasy Football League Newsletter.
It may be some consolation for the Balls that even if Julian's jock-slapping performance on Thursday night had counted toward his actual total he still would have lost to this week's Stud of the Week. Probably not. But here's to silver linings.
Stud of the Week: Knuckle Junction did not reach 173 points until the fourth week of the season last year. (All statistics approximate, and more accurately, made-up hyperbole.) This week thanks to three 30+ point performers and a solid dose of luck KJ slapped up the (unofficial) third-best single week in league history. The Mouth Breathing Dummy somehow lost a game, threw three INTs and still scored 36 fantasy points. He was so bad that the Cowboys D/ST posted a 30-point opening night. So, for those keeping score at home, Eli Manning was directly responsible for 66 points toward KJ's total - the likes of which haven't been seen this side of Tim Tebow vs. Detroit Lions circa 2011.
Willy Low-Man of the Week: No stranger to the bad side of the Newsletter, Lobos Latinos posted the lowest score of the inaugural week of 2013 (105). Next time maybe you'll draft your own squad. Somehow, this isn't as much fun to write knowing that you aren't directly responsible for the train wreck we're all pretending is a real fantasy roster.
Also, a new rule is in place for the 2013 MillerKuzFFL: No owner will start a New York Jet. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Not even Chris Ivory's 5th grade piano teacher starts him in her knitting club league. There are only 12 teams in this league, if you can't find someone not on the Jets to start for your team, you just don't deserve to play. Chris Ivory, and the rest of the NY Jets are on a permanent bye week, Taco. Do the right thing.
Jimmy Graham Jock-Slap: The Sheriff, Peyton Manning. Vandelay Industry benefited hansomely in Week one from Manning's 7 TD's and 49 fantasy points. For a week at least, I won't criticize VI for taking Peyton in the third round of a 12 team draft. Side note: two of those seven TD's were thrown to Julian Thomas, whom you may know, was on the Ball's bench.
New Additon: Toner's Boners, on behalf of all of us at the Newsletter, welcome to the league. TB had a decent first week out. He even has the dubious distinction of scoring the most points in a loss (148). There will be decisions to be made for TB down the road here as a quarterback competion seems to have broken out. Improbably, Carson Palmer's Corpse totaled 21 points - 9 more points than (S)cam Newton. Luckily for TB, that decision won't matter; he plays the artist formerly known as Taco Corp (TM) next week.
Awkward Team Photos and Abbreviations: Boris Kochler has been known to have some absurd names that make you feel weird if your grandmother or any other real adult saw a list of team names in your fantasy league. But this year he has taken it to a new level. Inexplicably, his team photo is Dick Cheney making a face that somehow simultaneously says "I don't care how much it costs, make her go away" and "I'm serious, son, don't touch my nachos." And the cherry on the top is his team abbreviation, which simply reads, XOXO. I'm just going to let that fact hang there without comment.
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