Week Two - It Can't Last

Normally, I'm here to mock one of you for the terrible fantasy football decisions you've made this week. And, by "one of you," I obviously mean DJ.

This week I'd like to go where no newsletter has gone before. I'd like to compliment one of our team owners on borderline genius line up decision. As if it couldn't get any weirder, that team is Nolan United. So, if you're keeping score at home, I'm going to compliment the Nolans and we're going to make it through this introduction section without me mocking DJ.

Nolans: I am seriously impressed with your decision to start Michael Vick over Colin Kaepernick in Week Two of this 2013 fantasy football season.

Yes, I know the Eagles were playing the Chargers and the 49er's had the distinct displeasure of playing on the road in Seattle, but still. Kaepernick scored 33 points in his season debut. Vick posted a pedestrian 26.  Moreover, Kaepernick is a 49er. Last I checked, the Nolans don't sit 49ers.

I know you're all sitting there saying you would do exactly what the Nolans did. What you don't realize, though, is that you're all liars.

The call paid off in a big way. Vick went for 40 (in a loss) and Kaepernick pooped his pants on national television to the tune of 10 total points.

Also, the Nolans are in first place for what has to be the first time in our leagues history. Just know, Nolans, this cannot last. It will not last and I can't wait to laugh when the exact opposite of this quarterback scenario happens, but until then, enjoy the compliment.

Stud of the Week: Hide your wife, hide your kids, cause Dunn Givashit is still scoring points. 180 points is no joke and a new 2013 points record. Every single starter - with the expected exception of Jacquizz Rogers (yes, that's his real name) - scored in the double-digits. Julio Jones scored only one touchdown but still posted 42 points. I'm remembering a career-long TD reception for young Julio in there somewhere, but, as always, I can't be sure. I hope Julio enjoys carrying around Jimmy Graham's jock around this week because he certainly earned it. He also got 28 points of that Aaron Rodger's Money in the form of Randall "Corn on the" Cobb.

Antonio Brown did manage to score 11 points, which is one more than the Steelers managed to score this week. Consider this your warning, League: we are another ghastly week away from banning Steelers employees from starting lineups.

Willy Lowman of the Week: Taco has found the line of terrible and has crossed it. Again. This week's low-man and new owner of the lowest one-week point total is the Lobos Latinos and his 89 points. His bench scored only 15 points worse than his starters. On my phone, it lists players names with just their first initial and their last name and I have to admit that I had no idea who V. Brown, SD WR was. Then I looked up his stats and realized that there's a very legitimate reason why I don't know this man. He's caught exactly six passes for exactly 39 yards this season. Maybe it's time he found a spot on your bench as permanent as your place as our Lowman, Taco.

Bench Bomb of the Week: I really do love when you guys do your job for me. I woke up to a message from Boris Kochler that read "Jamblow bench bombing over Baghdad." Yes, that's actually what it said. Jamblow is Jimmy, and Boris is right. Not one, but two bench bombs this week from our large-chested owner of Vandelay Industries. VI lost a close match up to yours truly by a mere 12 points. He also left James Jones (29 points) and Gio Bernard (18 points) on his bench. Playing either of those players instead of the Shermanated Anquan Boldin or Danarius Moore (!) would have given him the win. Seriously, James, you are aware that Tyrelle Pryor is responsible for throwing the ball to Moore, right? Get your life together.

Unfathomable Amounts of Awful: Big Mac. Oh, Big Mac. What on Google Earth were you doing this week? Were you actively trying to destroy ESPN's Fantasy Site? Were you trying to make history? Is this all just a big joke? Sadly, and hysterically, I'm sure none of those ever crossed your mind. Let's take a look at Big Mac's week in fantasy: BM scored 134 points this week, narrowly losing to Boris Kochler's 139. BM's bench scored an astounding 130 points. Somehow, there are only 3 actual bench bombs on his bench. It makes more sense if you realize his bench includes two QBs behind Aaron Rodgers, which makes little sense in and of itself, but you get my point. Also, his worse player - Micheal Bush (0 points) - was on his bench and Cody Fleener wasn't going to outscore Jimmy Graham's 40 points at TE. The only way it could have been funnier is if Boris would have lost to that disaster. Because I'm feeling kind, let's look at the Silver Lining - there is a potential for your team to score 264 total points, so a few better considered decisions, and you'll get a 'W.'

Because I Can't Resist: Barrister's Balls did not have a good week. He lost to his fantasy arch nemisis, The Big Sandwich, his highest scoring player was a week-one waiver claim and he spent his early Sunday afternoon at Wholey's. (Please see DJ Quote of the Week to the right). At least Reggie Bush is healthy and Julius Thomas was in your starting lineup. Oops. Only one of those last two things are true. And we both know Reggie Bush isn't healthy. Speaking of injuries: How long until you "trade" your wife Bernard Pierce for Dez Bryant?