This past Sunday, I suffered a fate worse than watching a benched Jamal Charles go for 29 points. I was Christmas shopping at Ross Park Mall. Quite possibly the worst thing you can do on a Sunday, but seeing as I've been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs since about Halloween, I figured I better buy some things.
I was casually perusing the atrocious Christmas sweater collection that J. Crew passes off as fashionably acceptable while my brother bought his girlfriend a gift card. The next thing I know there is a baby stroller (with a baby in it) coming right at my shins. I stepped to my left without looking up and the stroller swerved into my path again. Then again to the right. I eventually looked up at the stroller's driver to find my fantasy football arch nemesis, Doug "That's Not My Real Name" Nolan. The Nolans, also not in the playoffs, thought Sunday a good day to get Rory's picture taken with Santa.
This Week's Reason Why Our Fantasy League Is Better Than Most: The best part of this chance encounter, other than the pleasure of the Nolan's company for about 4.5 minutes, was Doug recounting last Sunday's fantasy stare-down. I've been bad this year. It's well documented. But I'll be damned if I didn't lock up the first overall pick for next year's draft. The Nolans
Up until last week, they had a chance to take next year's first overall pick. So, the final minutes leading up to the first kickoff at 1 pm last Sunday, Nolan United stood at the ready making sure I didn't purposefully tank the match up and secure the first pick. Ethical assumption aside, this pleased me greatly. They were ready to go into full-blown suck mode if I was willing to do the same for the first pick. A team that has been out of playoff contention for months was still sitting at their computer in the final minutes leading up to kickoff to make sure they did everything they could to be the worst team on a given Sunday. Little do they know, KJ does not lay down, we're simply terrible. I lost by 2 points - big shout out to Mike Nugent for being hurt - and secured the first pick.
That match up didn't matter, but don't tell the Nolans, they were committed to being terrible if that's what needed to be done. That kind of dedication cannot be found in just any office/family/college friend/internet strangers league. But then again we spent the better part of November posting pictures of heinous facial hair to Facebook. So we're not exactly "just any league."
Only two match ups this week mattered. This is your newsletter for the playoff semi-finals.
Stud of the Week: This is easily the worst part of my week - having to acknowledge that the Barrister's Balls scored the most points this week. The machine Minnesota scientists have created to mimic Adrian Peterson's human emotion, but physically destroy anything in it's path on its way to the end zone led the way in scoring yet again. Thirty five points and another 80+ yard TD is just obscene. The Robot Formerly Known As Adrian Peterson is only 249 yards (took a guess, can't be sure) away from shredding the NFL record for yards in a season. Seemingly unrelated: he shredded his ACL/MCL less than a year ago. The Seattle Defense also posted another big week. While 29 is not 54, it's still a solid showing from a defense that just refuses to be average. Unfortunately for everyone, there were no comically horrendous line up decisions this week, but, there is still hope: Ray Rice and Jamal Charles combined for 5 points. Here's hoping Ray Rice touches the ball 4 times (estimated) again next week and the Chief's offensive line continues to be terrible. Both likely. DJ, you did it. You scored the most points. I hope you're as embarrassingly giddy as I imagine you are. (P.S. DJ, your team logo is terrible.)
Honorable Mention: We have a tie. Both Dunngivashit and Whore Hands scored a second-best 111 points. Fortunately for everyone, I don't have time to write about both teams, so I'll pick one. Whore Hands hasn't paid attention to this league since I talked him in to trading me Matt Forte for Steven Jackson's corpse, so he loses. Dunngivashit it is. Travis scored enough points to beat everyone except for DJ. That's got to sting. Martin, Morris and Miller combined for 37 points. Green and Hernandez combined for 26. Once again, Dunn got the better of the blockbuster trade between he and the Balls. Heywerd-Bay posted a goose egg though, and at this point in the season that is just unacceptable and generally from DHB, expected. A great little end-of-year run from Dunn, there's no shame in losing in the semi-finals. There also isn't a great draft pick in it either.
Willy Lowman of the Week: No stranger to this portion of the newsletter, Taco Corp (TM) d/b/a the Mexican Baby Coalition put up 62 points this week. For perspective, the Seattle Defense scored 54 points on its own last week. Also, MBC's bench scored 57 this week. Rodgers, Turner and the Bears D/ST combined to score 45 points for MBC, or 72.5% of his total point output for the week. Fun with math.
In the third year of this league's existence, some change is inevitable. We will have a new champion - either Wicked of Lately or the Barrister's Balls - but it's nice to know that some things, like Taco's performance year-to-year, never change. Every league needs a Taco. And tacos. Seriously, make sure you bring some tacos to the year-end banquet.
Honorable Mention: Oh how the mighty have fallen. Coxwain went from playoff contender one week, to the bad end of the newsletter the next. Glad you could join us. There are a lot of things I don't know like, who shot JFK, why Casey Hampton's face doesn't fit into a football helmet and the definition of half the words I use on a daily basis. But there is one thing I know for certain: if Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis is your leading scorer in a given week, you did not have a good week. Further, Nicks, White, Myers and the Browns D/ST combined for seven points. Hey, Roscoe, you don't play so good.
The Other Game That Mattered: Sam and Amy's (WL) 95 bested a putrid 88 from Jimmy (VI). I can't continue to write the same jokes, so I'll merely point out that in a game Jimmy had to win he started two Steelers - Dwyer and Sanders. You can't make this stuff up. Additionally, the Giants got shut out, which isn't good for their tight end and especially their kicker, so Bennett and Tynes only scored a point between them. Good start. WL, on the other hand got great production from Manning, Foster, Jones and the Bronco's D/ST. Denario Alexander scored 20 points last week, earning him a start, but this week, he couldn't catch a cold. It's also worth pointing out that the team with the first pick (Arian Foster) is playing in the league's final in the same year. So, next year is my year.
Blair Walsh Reads This Newsletter Too: I would like to start by apologizing to both the Raging Pollacks and Blair Walsh for my ridiculing RP for starting Walsh and implying that Walsh was terrible. Clearly, he read my comments and said "Fuck that kid, he doesn't know shit, I'll just go out this Sunday and score in the top 10 in fantasy points for the week and he'll feel dumb." And that's exactly what he did. Not only was he RP's leading scorer he was tied for 9th overall in points for Week 15. I felt so badly about this that I actually looked that up after DJ informed me that he scored a lot of points this week.
Funnier Than Anything I Could Ever Write: Mark Sanchez's Monday Night Football performance. God, is he terrible.
Good luck to both Wicked of Lately and the Barrister's Balls. Of course, I don't mean a word of that. I'm cheering for the Internet to uncontrollably collapse so that we can never know who wins.
Until the next Newsletter, or a random encounter in the sweater section of the J. Crew at the Ross Park Mall (which ever comes first), take care.
No comments:
Post a Comment