Adrian Peterson shredded his ACL less than a year ago and he's still running through grown men like they're the JV cheerleading squad at a local high school. Peyton Manning had his neck cut open and rearranged at least three separate times. The details elude me (perhaps Dr. Sam can elaborate), but I'd imagine that neither of those medical scenarios are conducive to a career in professional athletics. Nevertheless, Peterson fell to the third round where the Ball's gobbled him up and Manning got picked by Sam and Amy after his mouth-breathing little brother in the fourth round (How'd that work out for you, Nolans?)
I didn't need a comeback to claim the league's worst mustache. In fact, I might have been the favorite from the very beginning. My terrible roster isn't coming back from anything ever.
So, the only way I could get in on the comebacks is to bring back the infamous MillerKuz FFL Newsletter. Don't call it a comeback, cause we ain't never left. Actually, we did. For a long time. But stop complaining. We're here. Just in time for the holidays and to publicly ridicule all these teams which may or may not be statistically better than mine.
The first week of the playoffs are in the books and one thing is for certain - The Big Sandwich will not repeat as champions. Decimated by injuries, the oft-hated, lucky week-to-week winners do not advance past the first round of the playoffs for the first time in this young league's history. Maybe next year Declan will have more of a draft-day input than those ghastly draft sheets. But what do I know, I drafted Reggie Bush.
Stud of the Week: Travis Dunngivashit about Roscoe Coxwain. Travis put up a jaw-dropping 161 points this week. That might be the largest playoff total in this league's history. It might not be either. I'm not taking the time to look that up. Get off of me. Regardless, that's a lot of points. (S)Cam Newton played up to his first-round potential this week. (And quietly has all season - 23.3 pts/week). Cam shit all over the Dirty Birds to the tune of 47 fantasy points. Darius Heyward-Bey posted 20 points this week with the help of a garbage time Carson Palmer TD pass. Proving again that he got the better of the blockbuster deal with the Balls, Dunn's Morris and Martin put up a combined 37 points. So many points. Coxwain accepted defeat at least three separate times. When Myers put up a bagel and DHB put up a 20 spot on Thursday, he seemed to have already accepted his defeat. Then, on Sunday, the Cleveland Defense gave him some false hope as all Cleveland-related sports franchises will tend to do. Then he again accepted defeat. Let's face it, when your opponent hangs 161, there's really nothing you can do but sit there and watch it happen.
Honorable Mention: The Barrister's Balls. He of clever alliterative names had one heck of an emotional fantasy football rollercoaster ride. At 12:30pm on Sunday I got a text asking me whom he should start, Brown or Charles. I arrived at his house moments later and told him it didn't matter whom he started, the other would go bonkers. At approximately 1:02 pm, Charles, whom he decided to bench, ran 80 yards on the opening play of the game for a TD. At 1:12 pm, I stopped crying from laughter. Bryce Brown went on to score as many points as the concussed LeSean McCoy. Charles finished the day with 29 points. The comedy is past anything I could possibly articulate. Sitting in someone's home who has just botched a line-up decision that badly, is like being invited over to watch someone be water-boarded in their own living room. He was in physical agony most of the day, and it was utterly hilarious. This week, however, that line-up decision didn't matter. The Seattle Defense is simply all that mattered. The Sea D scored almost as many points (54) as their actual team did against the horrific Cardinals (58). I'm sure the other side of the match-up, Whore Hands, had a similar, albeit it inverse, emotional journey this Sunday. That is, of course, if he was even watching or paying attention. Earth to Ryan, the playoffs have started and you lost. Thanks for playing.
The Willy Lowman of the Week: The Raging Pollacks did a lot less raging and a lot more sleeping this week. RP dropped a cool Mario Lemieux (66). Just a hockey reference, James, it's still locked out. Tom Brady pooped all over the Texans on national television on Monday night to the tune of -1 D/ST points for the overrated Texans. RP can take solace in the fact that she couldn't have done much better. Her bench only scored 29 points, and four bench players scored as many as Bryce Brown. She had the lowest total points and the lowest bench total as well. (The highest? Balls - 103 bench points). RP can also take solace in the fact that she hates fantasy football and couldn't care less.
Honorable Mention: In a match up that literally no one was following or probably even noticed, including the two owners, Big Mack Attack went Jagr on the league. Sixty-eight points isn't good, but then again, it came in a game outside of the playoffs. Also, Taco, if somehow you're still reading this, you won a consolation game this week. Oh, and congrats on not making the playoffs. Again. Thank you for proving that total apathy can finish above me in the standings.
Picture of the Week: This comes courtesy of James Cafaro. This is the picture that sums up his week. A picture truly is worth a thousand words.
Get it? George is Vandelay and he's about to eat a (Big) Sandwich. Cause Jim beat The Big Sandwich.
Why The Hell Are They Playing For Your Team: Brandon Weeden (start the fire) actually started a playoff game in a one-quarterback 12-team fantasy league. How does that even happen. Marcel Reese and some dude named Blair Walsh started for the Raging Pollacks. Blair Walsh could easily be a cheerleader's name. Unrelated, Knowshon Moreno has been in my starting line up for the last two weeks.
2013 Champions: I'm not certain, but I'm decently sure that I've wrapped up the Number 1 pick for next year's draft. I am now accepting any and all trade offers for that Number 1 spot. Deals involving cash, multiple later-round picks and players to be named later, are all welcome. I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round. I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round. I will not draft Matthew Stafford in the first round.
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